The other day I was outside minding my business when an epic screaming match erupted.
The combatants were a scraggly looking man and a very flustered woman who were both in their early 20s.
They were yelling so loud my dog started barking at them, which thankfully shut them up.
But before Julius took matters into his own hands, our femme fatal said (or more accurately, screamed) something that got me thinking.
“You never give me any fucking space!”
Without knowing too much about either of their stories, I think it’s fair to say our hero screwed up in this situation and he’s going to pay for it in the future.
Because if he doesn’t handle himself right, he’s going to end up getting dumped.
We’ll talk more about the details of this situation behind the scenes later.
So what can you do if you find yourself in his shoes with your girlfriend asking you for space?
Well, first things first…
1: Listen & Don’t Put Pressure On Her
If this seems like a “no shit, Sherlock” statement to you, congratulations. You’re smarter than 90% of guys out there.
Here’s your cookie.
When a woman tells you she needs space what she really means is one of two things.
Either you’re putting to much pressure on her, or she’s getting ready to break up with you.
Either way, she’s at a tipping point.
Now before you start panicking at the thought of losing your girlfriend, take a deep breath, and hang tight with me for a second.
Once she gets to the point where she needs to ask for space, there’s nothing you can do to change her mind at that moment.
That includes begging, pleading, and trying to convince her to change her mind. These all put more pressure on her when pressure is the last thing she wants.
In fact, anything you do to try to change her mind will only make the problem worse.
The only thing you can do is to listen to what she’s saying. Don’t pressure her by asking questions or demanding an explanation.
The same goes for trying to blow sunshine up her ass. When she wants space, she wants space, not flattery.
The best action you can take is to acknowledge what she wants and give it to her without fighting back.
2: Give Her The Time She Wants
There’s an old saying you should take to heart.
No but seriously.
When she asks for space, give it to her on her terms. But you can give her space on her terms while you keep control of what’s going on.
It’s really simple. You stop contacting her first. If she wants to talk, she’s going to have to reach out to you. When she does reach out, invite her over to your place like you usually would.
Despite how simple this sounds, it’s going to be very hard for many of you to do. I know how scary and disheartening this is to do, especially if it’s your first time doing such a thing.
The crippling anxiety wondering about what she’s doing can be hard to face, but to grow as a man you’ll need to handle it.
You should be prepared to wait her out, however long it takes.
In the mean time though, you have two choices. Either you can kick back on your couch and watch Tiger King again or you can…
3: Figure Out Why She Wants Space
If she’s already told you why she wants to step back, then you can skip this step.
But if she hasn’t, and you’re still unsure why, it’s worth figuring out.
There’s a few questions you can ask yourself to get to the bottom of it including:
- What does she value in a relationship?
- Were you giving it to her?
- What was her parents relationship like?
- Were there things she asked you to stop doing that you didn’t stop doing?
- Did you smother her or try to control her?
- Were you extremely needy?
- Did you not support her when she needed your support?
If you need more help figuring out exactly why book a coaching session with me and I can help.
The reason it’s so important to figure out why isn’t so much for her.
It’s for you.
You want to save your relationship, right?
To do that, you need to make sure you fix whatever is causing her to want space, or at least take steps to minimize it if it’s something you can’t change.
If you don’t, the problem is going to come back. And when it does, she’s much more likely to start thinking about leaving.
The good news is that the problems that can cause her to ask for space are almost all fixable.
A guy I worked with a couple of months back was a great example of this. His girlfriend wanted space, and he didn’t understand why at first.
After booking a session with me, we finally got to the bottom of it. He came from a Lebanese family where everyone was intimately involved in his life and by extension hers too.
We figured out that it was his family that was smothering her. After advising him to assert more control in his own life, they got back together and when I last checked they were still going strong.
4: Ask Yourself If You’re Happy
Happy people tend to have easy, drama-free relationships.
When you’re happy, you’re easier to be around, and you’ll put less pressure on your girlfriend.
If you’ve been unhappy, it’s completely possible that your girlfriend has felt like the weight of your happiness has been on her shoulders.
No woman wants to feel like she’s the only source of your happiness, especially your girlfriend. Women want to share in your happiness, not feel responsible for it.
If you’ve been depressed and now she’s asking you for space, you should prioritize treating your depression before you do anything else.
The good news is there’s plenty you can do to get yourself back on the right track.
5: Evaluate Your Life Systems
Who you are is what attracts women, but who you choose to act like on a daily basis is what keeps them.
That includes your daily habits, your schedule, and the systems that serve your purpose, whatever it is.
Women love men who have a purpose, and in the long term, this is one of the most attractive things about a man that women look for.
There’s no secret about that. The most attractive man is a man who has his own plan and the means to accomplish it.
When you have a purpose and the systems to make it happen set up, you’ll naturally become a happier person which makes you more fun to be around.
You’ll also feel considerably less needy and more focused on what really matters: you. This takes a lot of pressure off your girlfriend, especially if you were too needy or you were smothering her.
So take some time to review your life systems. Here are a few questions to ask to get started.
- How are you structuring your day to achieve your goals?
- Are you working out regularly?
- Eating healthy?
- Do you have a healthy decision-making process?
- What about how you have fun?
6: Establish Healthy Boundaries
In a lot of cases when your girlfriend asks for space, something has changed recently in your relationship.
This can be caused by things like:
- Becoming serious very quickly without really getting to know each other first
- Moving in together before you’re ready
- Getting laid off from work
- Having kids (but that’s a whole different can of worms)
- Moving to a new city where you don’t know anyone
- Traumatic experiences
When something big changes in your relationship, it can effect the careful balance that all relationships must have.
Boundaries are one of those unspoken considerations that are often talked about online but rarely acted upon in real time.
Assuming your girlfriend has already asked for space, you can’t go asking her about boundries just yet.
But what you can do is this: you can impose boundaries for yourself so that you’re putting less pressure on her.
The boundaries you decide on are going to depend on what made her request space in the first place, which is why it’s important to be as clear as possible about why.
For example, if she wants space because you’re too needy (which is very common) healthy boundaries might look like:
- Giving her a few hours of uninterrupted alone time every night
- Only calling her to schedule dates
- Not going to her every time you need validation or attention
- Not discussing every little problem or minor detail with her
- Being okay with her going out with her friends without you
Boundaries are EXTREMELY important, especially in a long term relationship. The quality of your boundaries and the quality of your relationship go hand in hand.
If you need help setting effective boundaries for yourself, let’s talk.
7: Become A Man She Can’t Live Without
Ultimately, the way to win her back for good is to become a high quality man that she feels is adding value to her life.
If you’re adding enough value and you have proper boundaries set, you’re well on your way to a happy and harmonious relationship with your girlfriend.
The good news is, you can start becoming a man she can’t live without right now. Read this. This article is meant for guys that have just gone through a breakup, but almost all of the advice is applicable for you too if you are giving your current girlfriend space.
Besides the tips there, there are three big pieces of advice I can give you:
- Learn how to LISTEN to your girlfriend.
- Learn how to communicate with her effectively.
- Learn how to control your emotions.
In my experience working with guys over the past 5 years, learning those two things eliminates about 80% of all relationship problems.
For more help putting these plans into place, feel free to book a coaching session with me and I’ll help you unleash the man inside that she can’t possibly live without.