If she dumped you, the best way to tell your ex-girlfriend you want her back is to simply say “I love you, and I want to be together with you, but I understand you don’t feel the same way right now. If you ever change your mind, let me know”. Then, you end the conversation and don’t contact her for any reason.
This is by far the best way to tell your ex-girlfriend you want her back, and it’s not even particularly close.
Not only are you leaving the door open for her to come back to you, but in doing so you are putting your happiness first in a positive and masculine way that leaves no doubt in her mind about how you feel.
The only problem with this advice is most men don’t have the balls to truly walk away afterward.
Society and some of the other “information” out there has probably taught do the exact opposite. And I get it. You’ll do anything to get her back.
- 1 What You’ve Been Taught To Say To Your Ex-Girlfriend Is Wrong
- 2 You Need To Fight The Temptation To Give In To Your Emotions
- 3 Texting Her To Get Her Back Doesn’t Work In Most Situations, And It’s Dangerous To Your Happiness
- 4 Getting Her Back Doesn’t Start With Words, It Starts With Action
- 5 To Use This Technique Correctly, You Need To Be In A Calm State Of Mind
- 6 Are You Sure You Really Want Her Back?
What You’ve Been Taught To Say To Your Ex-Girlfriend Is Wrong
Almost every day, I coach a guy who comes into our session all gung-ho with a step by step plan of exactly what he’s going to say to his ex-girlfriend to get her back.
These guys end up coming over to Men’s Breakup after spending weeks being poisoned by all the ex-girlfriend recovery websites out there.
Side note, if you are reading any of those right now, stop.
These guys usually want me to look over their plan and give my OK to go ahead and start firing off texts with reckless abandon.
But I never do, and that either makes them angry, or it makes them confused.
So I’m going to save you the trouble and tell you simply: if she dumped you, your carefully constructed plan to transition her from texting to calling, to in-person is not going to work.
You’re going to spend days, weeks, or even months obsessing about getting her back while you try to “build attraction with text messages”.
Brother, she dumped you. She doesn’t want to talk about all the great memories you made right now.
You may go on a date with her (eventually) but this method is NOT a recipe for long-term masculine happiness because it focuses on HER and not YOU.
If you don’t agree, do me a favor and ask yourself a question: does planning out every detail make you really happy?
It might make you feel like you are in control, but it probably makes you feel pretty damn anxious too, doesn’t it?
Have you ever stopped to think why that is?
The ex-girlfriend recovery websites don’t want to tell you this because then they wouldn’t have anything to sell, now would they?
Getting real control comes from mastering yourself, not from planning out exactly how you’re going to talk to her.
You Need To Fight The Temptation To Give In To Your Emotions
During the Vulnerable State, your brain is charged up with emotions and if you really want her back (and you want to experience long-term, masculine happiness) you need to fight the urge to give in to what your emotions want you to do.
You may feel the urge to:
- Tell her how beautiful she is and totally kiss her ass in the hopes she’ll take you back…
- Promise you’ll wait for her, as long as it takes…
- Accept her “casually” dating other men…
- Talk about how great your relationship was, and how great it can be again if she just gives you a chance…
- Tell her as many sweet things as possible while you try to get her back to the lovey-dovey lady she was when you were together…
- Go scorched earth on her inbox and try to bring her to her senses with a barrage of text messages that leaves your fingers flaming…
- Send her paragraph-long texts telling her how much you miss her in the hopes you’ll get her back.
- Write her long and sappy love letters (I used to do this) in the hopes it will restart the romance…
- Get angry at her and start telling her how stupid she is, and how she’ll “never find someone like me ever again” or how she’ll be single forever because no one else can put up with her…
- Brag to her about how great your life is without her, and try to “show” her how great it is by posting about it on social media all the time.
- Send dick pics or try to hit her with dirty talk…
Be honest with me, and be honest and be honest with yourself. You’ve thought about doing, or have done at least one of these.
Which is too bad, too. Because none of these things will help you get her back. More importantly, none of them will make you happy long term.
No matter how desperate you are to get her back, no matter how hard you are looking for the one thing to say to get her back fast, you need to avoid doing things on this list.
Getting her back is a process. There is no one moment where your ex-girlfriend is going to wake up, see what you said to try to win her back and go “Great! I’m just going to get back together with him”.
That didn’t happen when you were first dating, and it sure as hell isn’t going to happen now.
The only way you’re going to get her back while building long-term happiness is to walk away.
But before I show you how to do that exactly, we need to confront the elephant in the room, especially for you younger guys.
Texting Her To Get Her Back Doesn’t Work In Most Situations, And It’s Dangerous To Your Happiness
It’s easy to go overboard with texting, especially if you reaaaaaaallly want her back. For some guys, their phones become an obsession to the point where nothing else gets done.
Long-term, masculine happiness is built on getting meaningful work done, and if you are only working in 2-3 minute bursts, and then checking your phone to see if she responded, you aren’t going to get anywhere fast.
That’s going to make you even more discouraged, because progress = happiness.
You might feel the need to turn winning her back into Mission Impossible (only you’re not Tom Cruise) and spend anywhere from 30 minutes to several hours of your day trying to write the perfect message to get her back.
That doesn’t even include being glued to your phone waiting for her reply.
On the other hand, there are also you might feel the need to go in the opposite direction. So you man the keyboard machine gun like John Rambo himself, and rapid-fire 10, 20, or even (god save that woman’s inbox) 50 texts straight at her DMs with no concern whatsoever for life, limb, or humanity itself.
So be honest with me, and be honest with yourself. You probably identify with one or both of these groups of men. Most guys identify with at least one.
I personally identify with both. I’ve done both when I was younger, and I’ve worked with plenty of guys who have fallen on either side.
Both strategies have two problems.
Number one, they don’t consider your ex-girlfriend and her feelings at all.
If you aren’t talking right now, there’s every chance she doesn’t want to hear from you at all.
I mean, think about it. She dumped you. That’s a pretty strong statement that she’s not interested in hearing from you. If she’s not talking to you right now, there’s probably a reason for it.
That reason is not something you can fix with just text messages (even if they’re funny).
Most women don’t wake up on the wrong side of the bed and just decide to leave you. In most relationships, women will start thinking about leaving you days, weeks, or even months before they finally decide to leave.
If you want to learn more about why that is, you should read my article about why some women seem to move on so fast.
The short of it is, women leave when something is very wrong. Not some small thing that can be easily fixed with a bandaid and a few promises, but something deeper and more fundamental.
These issues take effort to fix, and that’s if they can be fixed at all.
And that, my friends, is what you should be doing with your time. You should be working on fixing the problems and improving yourself, not wasting time texting her.
Getting Her Back Doesn’t Start With Words, It Starts With Action
There is nothing that you can say to make her want you back. She has to decide she wants you back on her own.
However, you can help her to decide that you’re worth it by taking the time to put in the work to fix what went wrong in your relationship, instead of looking for the one thing to say to get her back fast.
How you figure out and fix what went wrong is another topic entirely, so I won’t cover that here.
You can either get my help figuring out what went wrong by booking a coaching session with me, or you can read my article about the 6 most common reasons women leave you to get an idea of where to start.
Either way, you need to get really clear about what went wrong. Almost always, it’s a combination of things. Once you have identified what those things are, figure out which are within your control to fix, and then put together a plan to fix them.
If this seems like a lot more work than finding the right words to get her back, you’re right.
Getting back together with your ex is tough, especially if you want it to work.
Keep that in mind.
To Use This Technique Correctly, You Need To Be In A Calm State Of Mind
There are two different ways to use this technique, but both require you to be in a calm and rational state of mind. If you are feeling overly emotional, it’s better to not contact her at all until you feel more in control.
So here’s what you do.
Method 1: If You’re Still Talking, Walk Away
If you are still talking to her for any reason that’s not related to logistics (getting your things back, coordinating kids, etc), this method is for you.
Next time she reaches out to you, you need to tell her the following:
“I love you, and I want to be together with you, but I understand you don’t feel the same way right now. If you ever change your mind, let me know. Otherwise, I wish you all the best”
Depending on how she feels about you, she may be angry, confused, or perhaps even relieved.
But that’s the last thing that should be on your mind. Don’t argue with her, or explain why you are doing what you are doing. If she dumped you, you don’t owe her any explanation.
Just walk away into the sunset.
Go no-contact and get ready to start getting your life together because this isn’t a 21, 30, or even 45-day no-contact period.
No, this is for good.
You need to be prepared to never talk to her again if you want this to work. If she reaches out to you in the future (and odds are, she will), that’s a different story, and I talk about what to do in that situation in the above article.
The only exception to this rule is if you have kids, but I will write a separate article on that in the future.
Method 2: If You’re Not Talking, Stay That Way
If you’re already doing no-contact, good for you. You’re ahead of schedule.
At this point, you don’t need to take any additional action with her.
Better to keep things radio silent, and stay lazer focused on improving yourself.
Your mindset should be one of “I’m never going to talk to her again”.
For most guys, this is agonizing. They’ll spend a few weeks doing no-contact and then will crack and give all their power away by texting her.
Don’t be most guys. Most guys don’t experience long-term masculine happiness, and that’s a damn shame.
And that’s because most guys treat no-contact as a period where they have to sit on the couch and wait for her to come back.
But as you already know, that doesn’t work.
Are You Sure You Really Want Her Back?
The great (and terrible) thing about being dumped is it forces you to take a long and hard look at yourself in the mirror.
Right now, you hurt. You’re uncomfortable.
But discomfort is what you need to grow. If you’re comfortable, you’ll keep coasting along.
When you’re coasting along you won’t ask the right type of questions that will put you on the path to long-term happiness.
It’s when men are uncomfortable that they start asking questions. Questions are good, and the act of answering them leads to long-term growth.
But only if you ask the right questions.
If you want to experience long-term, masculine happiness, you need to ask questions about yourself, not questions about your ex-girlfriend.
You want to be asking questions about YOU and how YOU work. You want to learn more about YOURSELF, to help you define what YOU want.
Notice how I didn’t mention your ex-girlfriend at all?
Don’t ask yourself “What can I say to get her back?”.
Ask yourself instead “Do I really want her back, now that I know she’s not special?“
Don’t ask “What do I need to tell my ex-girlfriend to get her back”
Ask yourself “What do I need to tell myself to achieve the things I really want?”
So I ask you now:
What do you really want from life? What do you really want out of a relationship?
Are you really, truly sure that you want her back?
Or are you just telling yourself that because you’re hurting, and you think that getting her back is the only way to make the pain stop?
Talk soon my friend,