Don’t chase her.
Whether you feel a frantic yearning to get closure, want to get her back, or just want to be friends and maintain an amicable relationship – you should never chase a woman after a breakup.
When you chase her after she leaves you, you effectively:
- Push your her further away – which makes it less likely she’ll come back;
- Chip away at your confidence;
- Reinforce any pre-existing beliefs that you’re unlovable;
- Form negative beliefs about women and how they behave;
- Delay your healing process;
I know how fucking hard this is. Trust me.
I know how painful all those unanswered questions are…
How haunting the incredibly vivid dreams of her can be…
How fucking lonely it is to be surrounded by people and to only want her…
I know how she’s the only person you want to talk to.
So listen to me right now my friend. For the love of all that is good and holy…
Have some fucking courage. Don’t chase her.
A high-value man has better things to do than beg the woman who dumped him for a second chance.
And you are a high-value man, aren’t you?
If you are, stick around – because what I’m about to show you will once and for all set your ass straight on the path to redemption – or reconciliation.
In this article, I’m going to pull back the curtain on:
- Why chasing her after a breakup never works (even if you dumped her)
- Why you’re probably chasing her right this fucking second – even if you haven’t said a word to her
- The painful truth: what chasing her really accomplishes (and trust me, it’s not good)
- What you need to do to put yourself in the best position to get her back, or get over her.
Sound like a deal?
Let’s jump right into it.
What is Considered Chasing Your Ex?
“Chasing” refers to any persistent and unwanted attempt to stay in touch with, or pursue your ex-girlfriend romantically after a breakup.
The key here is unwanted. It’s not chasing her if she wants to speak to you, see you, or be with you.
I know you’re smart enough to know the difference.
Chase behaviors tend to fall into two categories. On one hand, you’ve got the obvious shit like:
- Begging and pleading for a second chance
- Repeatedly texting or calling her – especially if she has not responded previously
- Constantly seeking closure
- Showing up at her house or place of work unannounced (bad idea)
- Sending her gifts or other “memorable” items
- Writing a long and sappy letter to your ex-girlfriend;
- Promising her that “you’ll always wait for her”
- Using possessions or commitments to see her / talk to her
- Agreeing to be friends so you can keep some contact with her
But chase behaviors go far deeper than just the obvious stuff. You might think this shit is somehow less harmful, but trust me my friend – it’s not.
This includes behaviors like:
- Monitoring her social media activity on Instagram, Facebook, Venmo, Spotify, etc
- Bending over backward when she makes unreasonable demands
- Agreeing with everything she says (even if you know it’s not true)
- Going way out of your way to do her favors or make her life easier;
- Putting her on a pedestal
- Keeping up to date with her through mutual friends and family;
- Continuing to read “ex-back” material when you know your ex-girlfriend is never coming back
- Convincing yourself that you still have a chance – when in your heart, you know it’s over
- Not getting back into the dating market because of her
Before we go any further – don’t beat yourself up if you’ve done any (or all) of the things I’ve listed here.
Most guys do.
Back when I was young and dumb, I did everything on both of these lists many times over. And to this day, my clients frequently get into trouble with the same shit.
You’re human, man. Shit happens. You make mistakes.
Learn from it, and don’t kill yourself for it.
Make a promise to stop chasing her from this moment forward by eliminating any of the problem behaviors on this list.
To help you with that – let’s dive headfirst into another painful truth…
You’re Chasing Her Out of Fear
Normally when I tell a guy not to chase, I get a laundry list of objections like:
- But won’t she forget about me?
- If I don’t chase her she’s going to find someone else!
- I won’t be able to get her back if I don’t chase her!
- She told me she wanted me to fight for her!
- I miss her so much and I just need her back right now.
- She’s the only girl for me and I’ll never find anyone like her again
Don’t lie to yourself or to me.
You’ve thought about at least a few of these.
Since you have, take a deep breath and put on your logic hat for a second.
Notice how none of these “reasons” to chase her actually have to do with her?
None of them have to do with how great she is as a partner.
Or what she brings to the table.
Every one of them has to do with you and your own insecurities.
Let’s read between the lines real quick…
|Why You Want To Chase Her||What You’re Really Afraid Of|
|She’s going to forget about me if I don’t contact her!||You’re afraid you’re not good enough to be memorable – that you’re somehow less than.|
|She’s going to find someone else if I don’t show her how much I love her!||You’re afraid she’ll replace you with someone better – and you’ll have to live with the knowledge that somehow, you were not enough which confirms some of your deepest-seeded fears.|
|My life is empty without her in it!||You’re afraid that your life will be devoid of meaning without that special, perfect woman to give you a purpose in life.|
|She told me to fight for her!||You’re afraid that you’re going to end up alone unless you fight tooth and nail for something that is not working (FYI: not a formula for a healthy relationship)|
|She hasn’t given me any closure yet!||You’re afraid that you’re never going to be able to get over the breakup unless she gives you the perfect, magical “closure” you have been looking for.|
|I miss her so much!||You’re afraid that you’re going to be alone forever, and never find someone better than her who you can share a special, emotional connection with.|
|She’s the only girl for me!||You’re afraid you’re not good enough to find someone who is a better fit for you.|
If you have any of these fears – then listen to me closely.
None of these are true.
You are not doomed to a gray, meaningless life without her in it.
I know shit seems pretty bleak right now, but hang in there my friend. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. More on that in just a minute.
These fears destroy any sense of outcome independence that you have.
They shatter your confidence.
These fears drive you to chase – which is the worst thing you can do whether you want to get her back or get over her.
Why You Should Never Chase A Woman Who Dumps You
To Tyler, the flight cancellation seemed like the sign he’d been looking for. Fate had finally intervened to give him one last chance. It was time for one more roll of the dice in an effort to get back together with Veronica, his girlfriend (now ex) of 4 years.
So when his airline asked Tyler, a 39-year-old pilot to hitch a ride to Chicago to cover for another sick pilot – he happily agreed.
The way he saw it, the 12-hour layover would be the perfect amount of time. It was just enough to get in, say everything he needed to say, and get out.
It was the perfect setup.
When he told his friends, they cautioned him against it.
When he told his dad, he stubbornly suggested that Veronica wasn’t worth it.
But Tyler’s mind was made up – he was going to Chicago, and he was going to get Veronica back. No one was going to stop him.
That was the plan.
Until it wasn’t.
When Tyler showed up at her office, her favorite Thai food in hand – Veronica seemed happy to see him.
For about an hour, they caught up and talked about everything. Hope began to creep back into Tyler’s chest. This felt like the old Veronica, not the cold and distant Veronica of the past month.
As her lunch hour came to a close, and she began to get up, Tyler was ready for the final phase of the plan. He went in for the kiss – only to be met with an icy dagger to the heart.
“Oh no” Veronica said “We’re not doing this”.
And that was it. She said her goodbyes, told Tyler it was good to see him, and went back to work.
Tyler was crushed.
It seemed like everything had worked – until it didn’t.
“The flight back to Atlanta was the longest of my life” he later told me.
Tyler had learned a painful lesson – it doesn’t matter what you do if she hasn’t changed her mind about you on her own.
Chasing Her Won’t Change Her Mind
Tyler ran headlong into a problem you have likely faced more than once in your life: it’s hard as fuck to change someone’s mind once it’s made up.
It’s borderline fucking impossible to change your ex-girlfriend’s mind once she’s made it up.
So if you are wondering how long it takes to get an ex back – you need to keep in mind that the more you chase, the longer it’s going to take.
There are a lot of reasons why, so I’ll briefly highlight the most important of them. They are:
- Confirmation bias
- Motivated reasoning
- Cognitive dissonance
By understanding these 3 biases, you’ll give yourself the mental and emotional leverage you need not to chase after her in those weak moments.
1: Confirmation Bias: When You Chase, You Re-Affirm Her Negative Beliefs About You You Aren’t Worth It
Confirmation bias is the tendency we all have to interpret new evidence as a confirmation of something we already believe.
And guess what?
Right now she believes she should not be in a relationship with you.
As we’ll talk about more in just a second – your ex didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to leave you.
Breakups are rarely split-second decisions. Instead, they come about after weeks, months, or even years of careful consideration. If you don’t agree with me, read the article below.
Read More: How Did She Move On So Fast?
When a woman has finally made the decision to leave, she’s already found several good reasons to leave you.
And she’s also found evidence to support these reasons.
Depending on her level of social engagement, she’s also likely had friends, colleagues, and family members validate these reasons.
Maybe you were too needy. Maybe you didn’t pay attention to her. Maybe you got drunk and fucked her best friend on her favorite satin sheets.
That said, whether the evidence is physical, logical, or emotional doesn’t matter!
All that matters is that evidence has caused her to believe that you aren’t worth her time.
Now that she has that belief in her head, it’s much easier for her to interpret what you do as proof that she shouldn’t be with you.
Naturally, you don’t realize this – because in your mind, you believe she should still be together with you. So you keep chasing – assuming that she’ll see your behaviors the same way you see them.
Let’s break down a few examples of what this can look like in practice.
|Your Action||How You Think She’ll Take It||How She’ll Actually Take It|
|You write her a love letter talking about how much you’ve changed||As an expression of how much you love her – and a hint that you’re not willing to give up on the relationship or her yet.||As evidence that she made the right decision – because you were incapable of change until she made the (right) decision to leave you.|
|You beg her for a second chance||As an expression of “vulnerability” that all the relationship experts assert as crucial to any relationship.||As more evidence that you’re not a high-value man, you’re a man that should be pitied, and avoided because you can’t stand on your own two feet without her.|
|You continue to check on her after she has asked for space.||As evidence that you care about her and her well being.||“Jesus, this guy does not listen. Is there something wrong with him? This is making me really uncomfortable”.|
|You show up at her house unannounced||“It’s just like in the Notebook!”||“Wow, he’s way less attractive than Ryan Gosling”|
So while you’re thinking that the 15 texts confessing your undying love will sway her back in your direction, she’s thinking “Yeah, I was right to leave”.
You might get one or two tepid messages in response.
So you go ahead and try to convince her with “facts” and “logic”.
Only that doesn’t work either.
Well fuck, that’s not good, now is it?
This phenomenon isn’t confined to dating either.
For example, a 2014 study tried to convince anti-vax parents to vaccinate their children.
They used everything from pictures of diseases suffered by unvaccinated children (an emotional appeal), to studies showing the lack of evidence between vaccines and autism (a logical appeal).
And guess what happened?
Both emotional and logical appeals utterly failed.
In fact, the parents who were shown pictures of the diseased children became more convinced that vaccines cause more harm than good.
The emotional appeal actually made it worse.
Remember that next time you’re begging (emotion) for her back or trying to convince her how much you love her.
Pretty grim, right?
Now it’s easy to say that these parents are stupid (they are) and your ex-girlfriend isn’t.
But we all have biases like this.
If you’re a Liberal, you probably believe Conservatives are crazy or vice versa.
But when our biases are challenged, we don’t readily accept new evidence. We double down on our existing beliefs as this 2016 study showed.
In other words, the harder you chase her, the more entrenched her belief becomes that you’re not worth it.
So, if you want to give her further evidence that you’re not worth it, by all means.
Just don’t be surprised when you chase her right into the arms of another man.
Don’t chase if you don’t want to be rejected.
If you love her, let her go, if she comes back you know where you stand.
2: Motivated Reasoning: She Sees You Chasing Her Different Than You
Motivated reasoning is another sneaky cognitive bias that suggests we tend to process information in a way where it supports our pre-existing beliefs, values, and desires.
For example, if she believes you are to blame for the breakup it’s a lot easier for her to interpret what you do in a negative light – and ignore any information that contradicts that view.
What you view as “loving” she may view as stalking or harassment – to the point where she might feel anxious, threatened, or even frightened by your pursuit.
Think about that the next time you want to chase after her. She might not see your actions the same way.
3: Cognitive Dissonance: Chasing Her Can ‘Resolve’ Conflicting Feelings Once And For All
Cognitive dissonance is that uncomfortable feeling you have when you hold two beliefs or ideas that conflict with one another.
Breakups are a breeding ground for cognitive dissonance – because there is so much ambiguity.
And to some extent, cognitive dissonance can be a good thing. For one, it can drive us to resolve our conflicting ideas and beliefs which can be healthy. Cognitive dissonance can also drive her to offer you closure, an explanation – or even another chance to get her back.
But when you chase her, you make it a lot easier to resolve any cognitive dissonance she is experiencing about you and your relationship.
Which honestly – might not be a bad thing if you don’t want her back!
As I mentioned before, when your ex-girlfriend makes the decision to dump you, it’s only after she’s accumulated a number of beliefs and ideas about you.
This is a process that takes time.
Funny enough, there’s a well-known model from psychology that represents this process nicely.
It’s called the Transtheoretical Model – otherwise known as the state of change model.
The Transtheoretical Model (TTM) assumes that people do not change behaviors quickly & decisively. Instead, it assumes we go through a drawn-out, emotional process before we make any major behavioral change – whether that is quitting drugs, going on a diet, or leaving a relationship.
While there are some gaps in this model, as there are with any model that tries to explain away messy, complicated patterns of human behavior – the TTM offers you and me a nice, scientifically-backed framework to explain why you should never chase a woman who has dumped you.
In the TTM there are 5 stages of change (6 if you include relapse).
|Stage||Description||In A Relationship|
|1: Precontemplation||Not seriously thinking about behavior change. Not interested in help. May even defend behavior.||She may have a one-off thought about you and your relationship not working well, but not enough to act on it.|
|2: Contemplation||There is an acknowledgment that there is a problem – but not sure if ready, or willing to make a change.||Often – one bad argument or a volatile situation sets this off. She starts to consider if her relationship may be a problem. She may talk to her friends and family about the pros and cons of the relationship. She starts wondering – is this really the right relationship? Would she be better off with another guy?|
|3: Preparation & Determination||Ready to make a change, people in this stage have an idea of how badly their problem is hurting them. At this point, people tend to make small steps towards quitting the problem behavior.||She starts going out with friends more than usual. She may grow distant or act strange and reserved. Conversations feel off, and she doesn’t seem as interested in seeing you. You can feel something is going on.|
|4: Action||The stage where people feel they are ready to change. They take concrete steps to change – and are fueled by willpower and the potential emotional impact of the change. People in this stage tend to seek help from others and contextualize their behavior change in a way that enhances their self-confidence.||She ends the relationship. She may or may not communicate her list of reasons for doing so. |
While she may miss you terribly, her list of reasons combined with the weeks, months, or even years of evidence she’s accumulated help her to know that she is making the right decision.
|5: Maintenance||Avoiding any temptations to return to the bad habit. |
People in this stage are focused on the progress they’ve made – and are constantly re-working their life to address their challenges. They remind themselves that this change is rewarding and meaningful. Even though they have thoughts of the old behavior, they stay on track.
|She continues to reinforce that singledom is the right choice for her.|
In this stage she is trying out the new single life: going out with new friends, trying a workout routine, and practicing self-care as much as possible. She may or may not start dating again.
Even on bad days, she reminds herself of the progress made – and that drives her forward (and away
Right now, your ex-girlfriend is either in stages 4 or 5 – where she is physically, mentally, and spiritually trying to move on from you.
However – this is not always easy.
It’s common to experience cognitive dissonance after a breakup. For example, even though she may not think she wants the relationship, she may:
- Relieve and revisit positive memories while still feeling betrayed by your actions
- Feel relieved the relationship is over while experiencing intense loneliness and sadness
- Want to stay friends with you even if that’s not necessarily feasible
- Still hold feelings of sexual attraction to you while knowing the relationship won’t work
- Want to be with you but feel afraid that you’re going to hurt her
When we experience cognitive dissonance, generally our objective is to resolve the conflicting beliefs or feelings.
It can be the case that in an attempt to resolve her feelings, she may offer you closure, an explanation, or in some cases – even another chance to get back together with her.
But that won’t happen if you’re chasing her right out of your life.
Imagine this: in one of the most difficult, vulnerable moments of your life where everything is in flux – someone completely ignores your feelings to get their needs met. Over. And Over. Do you think you’d have conflicting feelings about that person?
Do you think you’d be losing sleep over that person?
TLDR: Keep chasing her at your own peril.
You Can’t Chase Her Into Changing Her Mind. She Has To Change It On Her Own
Just in case I’m not beating a dead horse here…
Let me make it crystal fucking clear – the only thing you can do right now to change her mind is to get out of the fucking way!
Stop trying to convince her you’re worthy of a second chance and start working on yourself instead.
It doesn’t mean she’ll get back together with you.
But she will notice.
If she wants to leave let her go. Work on yourself while she’s gone to put yourself in the best place to get her back.
Now that I’ve gotten the good part out of the way about how chasing her won’t help you get her back, let’s talk about the negative consequences chasing has on you.
Don’t Chase Her: It Fucks You Up Too
“Chase a check, never chase a bitch. Don’t chase no bitches.”— Future
There’s always one or two of my clients who will tell me something like…
“Well Jack, if the only thing I have to lose is the chance that she’ll get back together with me, that’s no problem. I’m going to chase her and see what happens”.
Perhaps you feel the same way. Where the only consequence are your chances of getting back together with her.
No small stakes, for sure.
But we also have to consider the other side of the equation – we have to consider what chasing does to you.
And unfortunately, you pay a heavy price for chasing her.
1: Chasing Her Reinforces Your Limiting Beliefs
Remember how we talked about the 3 key cognitive biases that make chasing a woman who dumped you a waste of time?
These biases also affect you.
Confirmation bias especially.
Chasing after a woman who left you often aggravates some of our deepest and most primal fears. It reinforces that you’re not good enough. It tells you that no matter how hard you try, you are always going to be the one who gets left behind. It encourages you to believe that all relationships are transient and ultimately fleeting – so you should never invest in them again.
One of the many ingredients of long-term, masculine happiness is freedom – or at least awareness of – your limiting beliefs.
Knowing that, do you really want to keep chasing her?
2: Chasing Her Keeps You Addicted
Part of the reason you are suffering right now is that you are going through a neurochemical withdrawal process that is fundamentally similar to withdrawing from cocaine, or another addictive substance.
I’ve talked about the ex-girlfriend addiction many times in many of my other posts – so I’m not going to go into detail here.
Read More: The Ex-Girlfriend Addiction Explained
Suffice it to say – when you continue to chase her, you keep yourself addicted.
Do you really want to prolong your pain?
3: Chasing Her Blinds You To Other Women
When you’re addicted to your ex-girlfriend it is much harder to form a meaningful connection with another woman.
And that’s if she doesn’t see through your shit first.
Which she probably will.
Do you think she really wants to be the rebound that helps you sop up your tears while you’re chasing your ex in the background?
Look – I get it. Right now, no one compares to her.
But what if I could tell you that a better fit for you likely lives within a 5-mile radius of you right now?
And what if I could tell you that chasing your ex would lead to you missing out on a chance with this woman?
Would you still chase your ex?
Think about it.
4: Chasing Her Keeps You From Focusing On Yourself
When you chase her – your thoughts, your energy, your emotions – and most importantly your time is focused on something external.
I get why you’re doing it. Chasing her gives you a sense of control. It gives you a sense of purpose. It helps you feel like you’re doing something.
But that sense of doing something – of chasing security, of trying to run from fear – distracts you from the personal growth and development you really need.
Let me ask you this…
How much time do you spend thinking about her?
How much time do you spend playing the “what if” game?
How often is your day derailed by a single text or Instagram post from her?
How often do you lay awake at night wondering what to say to her?
Imagine how much different your life would be if you took 50% of those instances and instead used them to work on yourself.
How much progress would you be making?
5: Chasing Her Can Make You Resentful
When you continue to chase her and are repeatedly rejected, you may end up growing resentful.
While a number of different resentments can develop, there’s one I see more often than others.
It’s when you start to resent women in general.
Instead of thinking of women as unique, each with their own special beauty, story, and way of relating to others…
You lump them into an amorphous blob where all women act the same – they’re cold, distant, emotionally unavailable bitches.
While this doesn’t happen to everyone, it can lead some men astray.
Recently, I’ve watched a lot of men go down the Andrew Tate rabbit hole of dehumanizing and degrading women.
Others turn to MGTOW, or some shitty sigma male ideology.
While Tate, MGTOW and Sigma male shit all offer explanations for why you should hate women, what they won’t offer is how to have a rewarding, fulfilling relationship with a woman who loves and respects you.
While it’s incredibly corrupt of the Romanian prosecutors to keep Tate in jail without charges… good ol’ Andrew is no fucking saint.
There’s a reason he is in jail at the time of writing.
And it’s not because the matrix closed in on Top G.
Think about that before you go down the women-hating rabbit hole.
Read More: Don’t Judge All Women Because of One Woman
Does She Want You To Chase Her? Too Bad. Don’t Do It
Certain people will use breakups as a way to gain emotional leverage, to punish, or to get concessions. Their past experiences with love have shown them that when they are being chased, it’s a lot easier for them to get what they want.
I want to be crystal fucking clear here – it’s not just women that do this.
Plenty of men do it too.
Is this manipulative?
That’s why you need to recognize when it happens – so you can get the fuck out.
There’s usually a pattern to how this happens.
It goes something like this:
- Disagreement escalates without a resolution she likes – usually because she has an unmet need he has ignored, or is unaware of.
- He is frustrated, but unwilling to walk away from the relationship
- She leaps off the top rope and suggests ending the relationship, or she asks for space
- She initiates the breakup or stops responding
- He freaks out and keeps chasing her until he reels her back in (usually within a few hours or days). Bonus points if he’s anxiously attached.
- She uses this newfound willingness to get what she wants
If this pattern happens once, it’s likely to keep happening until one party has finally had enough.
If this pattern describes your relationship or what you’re going through right now, you need to stop the chase immediately.
All you are doing by giving in is teaching her that this is acceptable behavior.
This deserves an article of its own – but suffice to say, this pursuer-distancer dynamic is incredibly destructive and unhealthy.
If you are serious about your long-term, masculine happiness then don’t fucking get sucked into it.
OK – I’ve given you enough reasons why you shouldn’t chase her.
Since you’re still reading, I know you’re convinced that chasing her is not the right path.
Let’s move on to what happens when you stop chasing her.
The 7 Things That Happen When You Stop Chasing Your Ex-Girlfriend
While it’s tempting to think that you’re going to lose her if you stop chasing her, the reality is that you stand to gain a whole hell of a lot more when you don’t.
So, what happens when you don’t chase a woman?
When you don’t chase a woman, you…
1: You Regain Control Of Your Life
When you stop chasing your ex-girlfriend, you take back control of your life. No longer are you fixated on her every move or trying to win her back.
You can focus on the shit you know you need to be doing.
Getting your mind right.
Kicking your addictions.
Going to therapy.
Working on yourself.
Instead of chasing a black hole that will suck you dry of purpose and meaning, you can control your own destiny – and that is the ultimate freedom, the ultimate pleasure.
When you have a sense of control and purpose in your life, you feel better. You experience more happiness. People you like better.
Take advantage of it.
Read More: Wake Up, No One Is Coming To Save You
2: You Stop Thinking About Her As Much
When you chase your ex-girlfriend, she becomes the center of your thoughts.
Suddenly you’re obsessed about:
- What she’s doing
- Who she’s doing it with
- Whether or not she’s seeing anyone else
- Whether she hates you or not
- How you can win her back
When you make the decision to stop chasing her to focus on yourself – these thoughts occur less often.
Yes, you’ll still think about her.
But I promise you’ll think about her a whole hell of a lot less.
Double that when you start achieving your goals.
Triple that when you meet another woman that you really like.
Read More: 7 Science-Backed Tools To Stop Obsessing Over Her
3: Your Anxiety Level Goes Down
There’s a huge body of research that shows how damaging stress and anxiety is to you.
And no surprise, chasing your ex-girlfriend is a massive source of anxiety.
Would you still be reading this if it wasn’t?
When you stop chasing her, you stop worrying about whether or not:
- She’s going to see or respond to your messages
- She still has feelings for you
- She approves of what you’re doing (more on that in a minute)
- You’ll have to bend over backward for her
- You’re going to invest all your time and energy for nothing
When you remove this major source of anxiety from your life and start focusing on yourself, you’ll be surprised where you end up.
Another reason not to chase her.
4: You Stop Caring What She Thinks Of You
When you are chasing your ex-girlfriend, you might be focused on trying to impress her or win her approval. When you stop chasing her, you are able to let go of this need for approval and stop caring so much about what she thinks of you.
5: You Gain Perspective On The Relationship
When you are in the midst of chasing your ex-girlfriend, it can be hard to see things clearly.
You might be blinded by your desire to win her back and unable to see the relationship for what it really was. When you stop chasing her, you are able to step back and gain some perspective on the relationship.
You might see things that you didn’t see before or come to a new understanding of why the relationship ended.
To help you with that, I strongly suggest you read my in-depth article on what really led to your breakup.
Read More: The 6 Reasons Why Relationships End
6: You Create Space For New Relationships
When you are chasing your ex-girlfriend, you are not fully available for new relationships.
You might be hesitant to date someone new because you are still holding onto hope that you can win your ex-girlfriend back.
It’s possible you may be worried about what she’ll think of you.
Or whether or not dating a new chick will somehow disqualify you from any chance with her if she finds out.
But that’s just silly.
If she broke up with you – she has no right to complain about who you are seeing. Ditto for if you broke up with her, and she has refused to get back together with you.
Related: My Ex-Girlfriend Is Jealous Of Me Dating Again – What Gives?
7: You Give Her The Space To Miss You
Finally, when you stop chasing your ex-girlfriend, you give her the space to miss you. If you are constantly blowing her up with messages and trying to win her back, she might feel suffocated or annoyed.
Plus, you look like a needy asshole.
FYI, needy assholes get avoided – if they aren’t blocked on everything first.
When you give her some space, she is able to think about you on her own terms and might start to miss you. This can be a powerful tool in winning her back if that is something you still want to do.
Read More: At Some Point, She Will Miss You (But There’s A Catch)
So If I Stop Chasing Her, Will She Come Back?
Just because you stop chasing her does not guarantee that she will come back.
As I’ve said before, your chances of getting her back are around 30%.
Chasing her likely lowers these odds significantly.
Read More: Will She Come Back? How To Maximize Your Chances
Stopping the chase is just the beginning of what it takes to get her back.
There are 3 stages to getting your ex-girlfriend back, as I talk about in my course on how to get your ex back The Fundamentals.
- The Groundwork Stage – is where you focus on yourself and rebuild your life, your confidence, and your purpose.
- The Exploration Stage – is where you re-engage with your ex-girlfriend in a respectful, non-needy way and see how you feel about her after you’ve done the work.
- The Reconciliation Stage – is where you explore getting back together for the long haul, including what it takes to rebuild the communication, trust, and intimacy needed for a successful long-term relationship
When you stop chasing her, you’re ready for the Groundwork Stage. You’re ready to go no-contact (or limited contact) and start working on yourself.
While you won’t get her back by stopping the chase – you do stand a better chance if you’re able to give her space so she can miss you while you focus on improving yourself.
Let her go, if she loves you she’ll come back. If she doesn’t come back, you know where you stand – and you can move on with your head held high.
OKAY – with all that said, how do you stop chasing if you’ve already chased her?
You Start By Telling Her That You’re Done Chasing Her
All it takes is one very simple phrase.
Use this after she walks away or breaks up with you.
“Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit that I like you/love you. If you change your mind, give me a call. Otherwise, good luck, I wish you all the best”
It’s that simple.
Don’t draw it out.
Don’t get into a long conversation.
Say your piece, and then turn around and walk into the sunset.
You only need to say it once.
One of the keys to getting her to chase you is being true to your word.
If you’re telling her you’re going to walk away, you fucking walk away.
You don’t contact her for any reason.
If you contact her, you’re basically telling her your word means jack shit and she doesn’t have to listen to you.
If she changes her mind, she’ll reach out to you.
If she doesn’t, she was never coming back and nothing you would have done could have convinced her otherwise.
Once you’ve said your piece, what you do next is simple.
Stop Chasing Her And Make Her Chase You
I often get asked how to stop chasing her and make her chase you in return.
A lot of times, guys point to advice on those scammy ex-girlfriend recovery sites that tell you to post shit on your social media to make her think you’re living it up.
Or they suggest you need to wave other women in her face like some bigshot playboy.
The truth is, neither of these things will cause her to chase you.
In fact, doing them will just make you miserable as you desperately wait for her to respond.
No one wants to tell you the truth because they can’t sell you a product if they do.
There’s no magic formula to getting her to start chasing you if she dumped you other than to give it time.
If there was, I wouldn’t need to write here!
That said though, there are two key pieces of advice I can give you.
Let Her Come To You At Her Own Pace
Once you’ve told her that you’re done chasing her, the first thing you need to do is go no-contact.
That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
But you’re not going no-contact and just waiting for her to come around.
During that time you should be dating new women and working on learning to enjoy your life again.
You should also be focused on breaking your ex-girlfriend addiction.
Because you need to give her time away from you to allow her beliefs to begin to change.
If you weren’t a complete and total piece of shit when you were together, at some point she will start having second thoughts.
One of two things usually happens.
- She starts seeing someone else, but he’s a downgrade from you.
- She doesn’t meet someone right away and starts feeling lonely.
By this point, anywhere from a few weeks to a few years may have passed and a lot of the bad blood should have passed.
At this point, she’ll start to miss you.
She might not reach out to you right away, but she’ll start thinking about it.
She might talk to her girlfriends about it.
She’ll probably think about it some more.
Eventually, she’ll decide “what the hell” and then suddenly you’ll get the text.
The chase is back on.
Letting her come to you like this is the only way around her confirmation bias.
Because this time around, she’ll have already convinced herself that talking to you is the right thing to do.
All you have to do now is follow the steps in this guide.
After you invite her on a date at your place, followed by fucking her brains out you need to keep the chase going.
It’s really simple.
If she wants to see you, she has to reach out.
Every time she reaches out, you invite her on a date back at your place.
Do this between 3-5 times, with sex at the end of every date.
Once you’ve done it a few times, she’ll begin to understand that her reaching out = her seeing you.
At this point, you won’t need to chase her at all. She’ll reach out to you whenever she wants to see you.
The key to doing this right is to let everything be her idea.
What I mean is, don’t bring up getting back together unless she brings it up.
Don’t talk about your relationship unless she brings it up.
Don’t be fucking needy.
But don’t be a fucking robot either.
Keep everything light and fun.
Joke with her.
Tease her gently.
Ask her about things she’s interested in.
Kiss her in that one spot that drives her crazy (it’s always the neck or forehead for some reason).
If she has fun, she’ll keep coming back for more.
Before that happens though, there’s one thing you need to do.
Let Her Go And Move On
It might seem like I’m completely contradicting what I just said.
But I’m not.
Getting your ex-girlfriend to chase you again requires boatloads of outcome independence that you’re just not going to have if you’re still head over heels in love with her.
So while you’re in no-contact, you’ve got to learn to let her go.
I’m not going to get too deeply into this because my entire website is filled with tips and tricks for doing just that.
So read up. I do recommend starting here though. It’s a collection of the best articles on Men’s Breakup that I feel will help you the most.
With that said, we’ve got one more thing to cover.
What If She Stops Chasing Me?
Chances are if she stops chasing you, you’ve screwed something up.
Normally this happens after you’ve had some success with his ex-girlfriend.
Maybe she went on a date with you, or slept with you again.
Whatever it was, you probably started reverting to old habits.
Texting her first just to text her.
Pushing her for a commitment on your dates.
You started being her friend instead of being her lover.
It’s also possible she met another guy.
No matter what though, if she stops chasing you, what you need to do is the same.
If you’ve already told her to give you a call if she changes her mind, you don’t need to say it again.
Go back to no-contact and wait for her to reach out to you again.
When she does, follow the above steps.
That’s all it is.
If you let everything be her idea, you can just sit back and let her do all the work.
Talk soon my friend,
PS: Got a burning question about your ex-girlfriend or your unique situation that you want my expert advice on? Click here to learn how I can help you.