Chasing her when she leaves only pushes her further away!
Raise your hand if you’ve watched Inception.
If for some reason you didn’t raise your hand (shame on you), I’m about to unleash some spoilers.
In this case, Inception is a great example of why you shouldn’t chase a girl who’s left you.
But that might not be obvious right now, so let me explain.
Here’s how one of the main plot points goes.
Seems simple enough, right?
Only Fischer (played by Cillian Murphy) has no idea he wants to sell/dissolve his business.
So what does Cob (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) do?
Simple! He decides that he’s going to plant the idea in Fischer’s head.
And by plant the belief in his head, I mean literally plant it in his head.
Several action sequences and one spinning top later…
… Cob succeeds in forcing the idea into Fischer’s head, who then goes on to dissolve his business.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “Jack, what the fuck does this have to do with anything?”
This is exactly what most men try to do when a girl leaves them.
They try to force the idea in her head that she should stay.
They beg. They plead. Hundreds of texts are sent, and dozens of calls go unanswered.
And guess what?
It doesn’t work.
If it did, would you really be reading this article?
Unfortunately, in the real world, you can’t force an idea into your ex-girlfriend’s head.
Nothing you say or do is going to convince her to come back if she’s made up her mind to leave.
That includes chasing her.
Chase Her And She’ll Reject You
The other day I was on Reddit browsing the notorious Red Pill subreddit for shits and giggles.
Personally, I think about 75% of it is self-righteous garbage, but every so often there’s an underlying truth if you know where to look.
One Redditor pointed out that women don’t like men who chase because “it’s not alpha to chase“.
Now, this guy is mostly wrong, but if we dig a little deeper there’s some truth to that statement.
Chasing women does lead to being rejected.
Although it’s not because “it’s not alpha”.
It’s actually because of confirmation bias.
Confirmation bias is the tendency to interpret new evidence as a confirmation of something she already believes.
And guess what?
Her bias right now says that you’re not worth her time.
Let me explain.
Your woman didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to leave you.
That’s just not how women work.
When she finally leaves you, she’s already given herself several good reasons to leave you.
And she’s also found evidence to support these reasons.
Maybe you were too needy. Maybe you didn’t pay attention to her. Maybe you got drunk and fucked her best friend on her favorite satin sheets.
That said, whether the evidence is physical, logical, or emotional doesn’t matter!
All that matters is that evidence has caused her to believe that you aren’t worth her time.
Now that she has that belief in her head, she’ll interpret anything you do as more proof that you don’t deserve her.
So while you’re thinking that the 15 texts confessing your undying love will sway her back in your direction, she’s thinking “Yeah, I was right to leave”.
You might get one or two tepid messages in response.
So you go ahead and try to convince her with “facts” and “logic”.
Only that doesn’t work either.
Well fuck, that’s not good, now is it?
This phenomenon isn’t confined to dating either.
For example, a 2014 study tried to convince anti-vax parents to vaccinate their children.
They used everything from pictures of diseases suffered by unvaccinated children (an emotional appeal), to studies showing the lack of evidence between vaccines and autism (a logical appeal).
And guess what happened?
Both emotional and logical appeals utterly failed.
In fact, the parents who were shown pictures of the diseased children became more convinced that vaccines cause more harm than good.
The emotional appeal actually made it worse.
Remember that next time you’re begging (emotion) for her back or trying to convince her how much you love her.
Pretty grim, right?
Now it’s easy to say that these parents are stupid (they are) and your ex-girlfriend isn’t.
But we all have biases like this.
If you’re a Liberal, you probably believe Conservatives are crazy or vice versa.
But when our biases are challenged, we don’t readily accept new evidence. We double down on our existing beliefs as this 2016 study showed.
In other words, the harder you chase her, the more entrenched her belief becomes that you’re not worth it.
So, if you want to give her further evidence that you’re not worth it, by all means.
Just don’t be surprised when you chase her right into the arms of another man.
Don’t chase if you don’t want to be rejected.
There Is No Good Reason To Chase Her After a Breakup.
Normally when I tell a guy not to chase, I get a laundry list of objections like:
- But won’t she forget about me?
- If I don’t chase her she’s going to find someone else!
- I won’t be able to get her back if I don’t chase her!
- She told me she wanted me to fight for her!
- I miss her so much and I just need her back right now.
- She’s the only girl for me and I’ll never find anyone like her again
If you have any of these objections, take a deep breath and put your logic cap on with me for a second.
Notice how none of these “reasons” to chase her actually have to do with her?
Every one of them has to do with you and your own insecurities.
Let’s read between the lines real quick…
- Won’t she forget about me = I don’t think I’m good enough to be memorable.
- She’ll find someone else = I’m not good enough to be worth a second chance.
- I won’t be able to get her back = I’m not going to get someone as good as her.
- She told me to fight for her = I don’t know how women work so I have to believe what she said!
- I miss her so much = I don’t have anything else good going on.
- She’s the only girl for me = I don’t think I’m capable of finding someone better.
The real reason most men fail to get an ex back is that these insecurities destroy any outcome independence they have.
The fear then drives guys to chase, which as we’ve already established, causes them to be rejected.
Which is a real fucking shame.
Because if you use no-contact correctly, statistically speaking you have over a 90% chance of either getting her back or getting over her.
And guess what, when you use no-contact correctly you don’t do any chasing.
Here’s how you do it.
Start By Telling Her You’re Done Chasing Her
All it takes is one very simple phrase.
Use this after she walks away or breaks up with you.
“Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit that I like you/love you. If you change your mind, give me a call. Otherwise, good luck, I wish you all the best”
It’s that simple.
Don’t draw it out.
Don’t get into a long conversation.
Say your piece, and then turn around and walk into the sunset.
You only need to say it once.
One of the keys to getting her to chase you is being true to your word.
If you’re telling her you’re going to walk away, you fucking walk away.
You don’t contact her for any reason.
If you contact her, you’re basically telling her your word means jack shit and she doesn’t have to listen to you.
If she changes her mind, she’ll reach out to you.
If she doesn’t, she was never coming back and nothing you would have done could have convinced her otherwise.
Once you’ve said your piece, what you do next is simple.
Stop Chasing Her And Make Her Chase You
I often get asked how to stop chasing her and make her chase you in return.
A lot of times, guys point to advice on those scammy ex-girlfriend recovery sites that tell you to post shit on your social media to make her think you’re living it up.
Or they suggest you need to waive other women in her face like some bigshot playboy.
The truth is, neither of these things will cause her to chase you.
In fact, doing them will just make you miserable as you desperately wait for her to respond.
No one wants to tell you the truth because they can’t sell you a product if they do.
There’s no magic formula to getting her to start chasing you if she dumped you other than to give it time.
If there was, I wouldn’t need to write here!
That said though, there are two key pieces of advice I can give you.
Let Her Come To You At Her Own Pace
Once you’ve told her that you’re done chasing her, the first thing you need to do is go no-contact.
That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
But you’re not going no-contact and just waiting for her to come around.
You should also be focused on breaking your ex-girlfriend addiction.
Because you need to give her time away from you to allow her beliefs to begin to change.
If you weren’t a complete and total piece of shit when you were together, at some point she will start having second thoughts.
One of two things usually happens.
- She starts seeing someone else, but he’s a downgrade from you.
- She doesn’t meet someone right away and starts feeling lonely.
By this point, anywhere from a few weeks to a few years may have passed and a lot of the bad blood should have passed.
At this point, she’ll start to miss you.
She might not reach out to you right away, but she’ll start thinking about it.
She might talk to her girlfriends about it.
She’ll probably think about it some more.
Eventually, she’ll decide “what the hell” and then suddenly you’ll get the text.
The chase is back on.
Letting her come to you like this is the only way around her confirmation bias.
Because this time around, she’ll have already convinced herself that talking to you is the right thing to do.
All you have to do now is follow the steps in this guide.
After you invite her on a date at your place, followed by fucking her brains out you need to keep the chase going.
It’s really simple.
If she wants to see you, she has to reach out.
Every time she reaches out, you invite her on a date back at your place.
Do this between 3-5 times, with sex at the end of every date.
Once you’ve done it a few times, she’ll begin to understand that her reaching out = her seeing you.
At this point, you won’t need to chase her at all. She’ll reach out to you whenever she wants to see you.
The key to doing this right is to let everything be her idea.
What I mean is, don’t bring up getting back together unless she brings it up.
Don’t talk about your relationship unless she brings it up.
Don’t be fucking needy.
But don’t be a fucking robot either.
Keep everything light and fun.
Joke with her.
Tease her gently.
Ask her about things she’s interested in.
Kiss her in that one spot that drives her crazy (it’s always the neck or forehead for some reason).
If she has fun, she’ll keep coming back for more.
Before that happens though, there’s one thing you need to do.
Let Her Go And Move On
It might seem like I’m completely contradicting what I just said.
But I’m not.
Getting your ex-girlfriend to chase you again requires boatloads of outcome independence that you’re just not going to have if you’re still head over heels in love with her.
So while you’re in no-contact, you’ve got to learn to let her go.
I’m not going to get too deeply into this because my entire website is filled with tips and tricks for doing just that.
So read up. I do recommend starting here though. It’s a collection of the best articles on Men’s Breakup that I feel will help you the most.
With that said, we’ve got one more thing to cover.
What If She Stops Chasing Me?
Chances are if she stops chasing you, you’ve screwed something up.
Normally this happens after you’ve had some success with his ex-girlfriend.
Maybe she went on a date with you, or slept with you again.
Whatever it was, you probably started reverting to old habits.
Texting her first just to text her.
Pushing her for commitment on your dates.
You started being her friend instead of being her lover.
It’s also possible she met another guy.
No matter what though, if she stops chasing you, what you need to do is the same.
If you’ve already told her to give you a call if she changes her mind, you don’t need to say it again.
Go back to no-contact and wait for her to reach out to you again.
When she does, follow the above steps.
That’s all it is.
If you let everything be her idea, you can just sit back and let her do all the work.
It sure as hell beats paying $79.99 for an ex-girlfriend recovery guide that doesn’t work.