“All women are bitches, bro” James said “Zebras can’t change their stripes, and neither can women”
He leaned back in the chair and sighed.
I gave him a sideways glance and finished my beer.
Really now?
At that time, James was a classic example of one of my favorite maxims.
There are two realities: the one you are living in, and the one you are ignoring.
James was living in fantasy land while the rest of us were busy living it up in the real. In the world he was living in at the time, all women were bitches. Full stop.
You see, James was going through his woman-hating phase and this colored his reality in a way where calling all women bitches made sense.
Because at the time, he truly believed all women were bitches.
About a year after this conversation took place, this belief would come back to bite him in the ass with a woman he really liked.
But that’s a story for another time because today we are going in a different direction.
Together, you and I are going to take a trip through an alternate reality that many men are living in, even though it’s killing them.
In this reality, everyone is the same. If one person does something, it must mean that everyone else does it as well.
Do you believe this? You might not think so, but by the end of this article, I think you will be surprised by what you come to realize.
Because what you think, versus what you actually do, are two very different things.
And it could cost you everything, whether that’s your peace of mind or the intimacy you desire in a relationship.
A Judgement Free Zone?
Planet Fitness markets itself as a utopia for the casual gymgoer. Plenty of cardio machines, “friendly” employees, and pizza!
Because nothing says “I just worked out!” like shoving a greasy piece of pizza into your face.
Part of that utopian image includes their well-known “judgment-free zone” maxim.
Too bad that the “judgment-free zone” is not as judgment-free as Planet Fitness would like to claim. Watch the video below and you’ll see what I mean.
Planet Fitness is really the same old bullshit, where people get judged based on how they look. This time it’s just in purple to spice things up a little.
Their promise to be judgment-free is only skin deep, even though they may claim otherwise.
And in a lot of ways, this woman being kicked out of Planet Fitness for wearing a pair of normal shorts frames the problem many of you are having.
Take a second and ask yourself: are you judgment-free?
Really think about it. Are you the type of person who never judges? Ever? Not even once?
Those of you who say yes, congratulations. Not only are you judgemental, but you’re lying to yourself.
Because the truth is, we all judge. Some of us more so than others.
Even if we aren’t consciously aware of it, most of us know that we make small judgments of people, places, and things all the time without much context to back those judgments up.
Just like Planet Fitness did.
Normally, these judgments don’t mean anything when your life is going well. You don’t think about them much, nor do you have the conviction to let that judgment alter your behavior.
The Problem Is, That All Goes Out The Window After A Breakup
Most men are generally apathetic. It takes something especially powerful to shake us into action. Whether that’s a strong emotion, an existential threat, or…a breakup.
James will be the first person to tell you, breakups suck. You know it. I know it. We are all here for the same reason.
The good side of that suck is that you can use it to drive positive change in your life.
On the other hand, that same energy can quickly turn negative if you aren’t careful. Lingering resentment can turn into all kinds of fun things.
But I digress.
Seeing as though you’ve made it this far, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
I deliberately omitted a crucial detail from my story about James.
Before I tell you what that is, did you make a judgment about him and how he must be in real life?
Don’t be afraid to say yes. If you had the thought that maybe, just maybe, he was a dick, then you are on the right track.
Anyways.
The detail I left out? About a week before, James caught his girlfriend of 3 years having sex with another guy.
To add insult to injury, this was when he snuck into her apartment to set up a surprise for her birthday that night.
Needless to say, he was the one who got a surprise.
I bet you don’t think as badly of him now, because you understand he had a reason for saying what he said.
Bringing things full circle, I think we can finally illustrate the problem that James was having.
He was judging all women based on his experiences with one woman.
Don’t Let A Bad Breakup Turn Into A Worse Judgement
James isn’t the only guy who I’ve seen do something like this.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve heard literally everything in the book from guys in my coaching program including:
- All women are like that;
- Women are sluts;
- If you don’t have money, women won’t want to date you;
- Women aren’t worth my time;
- Latina women are always late;
- Women aren’t homemakers;
- Women are all rude and annoying;
- Black women all have attitudes;
- Women are evil and out to get you;
- Women are only good as Reserves!
Obviously, none of these things are true, which I shouldn’t have to say.
Painting all women with such broad strokes completely ignores the natural law of individual differences.
And nothing good ever comes out of ignoring nature.
Nothing.
I know most of you reading this aren’t judging all women in this way. Unfortunately, as I mentioned previously, none of us are free from judgment.
For most of us, the judgments we make are deceptively subtle and often slip under the radar.
Now and then even I fall prey to this, and you will too unless you’re always aware of your brain’s power to judge.
Your judgments might take the form of:
- Not enjoying dating because you always feel like you’re going to get let down;
- Deliberately avoiding a “certain type” of girl on dating websites;
- Conversely, seeking out a certain type that “works” for you;
- Assuming no woman will ever be “better” for you than your ex;
- Behaving a certain way for dates because it “works better” than who you really are;
- Thinking you “completely” understand a woman after a month or two of dating on the basis of other women you previously dated;
- Assuming that one dating technique works with all women;
- Assuming that X number of sex partners makes her unsuitable for a relationship;
Really, this could apply to almost any judgment you make about a woman based on your previous experiences with women.
Even though these toned-down beliefs aren’t as bad as the openly misogynistic ones I talked about a second ago, I don’t think I need to explain exactly why these beliefs are harmful.
The problem with these judgments isn’t limited to having them, it’s how they impact what you do.
For example, I work with a lot of men who outright dismiss certain “types” of women for one reason or another.
It’s usually because of a past experience with that “type” of woman.
And here’s the rub: that causes guys like this to miss out on all kinds of wonderful women. Women who really like them.
This leads me to my final point.
The Way One Woman Was, Is Not How All Women Are
Do me a favor, and read the heading above again.
In fact, read it 3 times. Or 5. Or 10.
As long as you internalize it because the rest of this article has been a bit of a rant.
I’m off my game because I haven’t written in nearly two months. I will get better. Pinkie promise. Gotta take the training wheels off first.
For those of you struggling with negative beliefs about women, I have a couple of pieces of advice for you.
First, get outside yourself. Whenever you find yourself wanting to indict all women, don’t. Go outside, get a few breaths of fresh air and clear your head.
There are 3.25 billion women in the world. Use your logical brain. Is it possible all women are what you think? Probably not.
Secondly: never give too much control of your life to any woman. The guys that always have the most negative beliefs about women have either A) never had success with women or B) have gotten BADLY burned by women.
So take note. Practice open relationships. Don’t give a woman control of your finances. Practice outcome independence.
Because it sure as hell beats thinking all women are bitches, right James?
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Need help processing the breakup so you can get back to feeling like yourself again? Click here to learn how I can help you.