I spend a lot of time talking about what to do if you get dumped by your girlfriend, which is fair, considering women end around 3 out of every 4 relationships.
But, what if you’re that 1 out of 4 that broke up with your girlfriend and now you want her back?
Well, I’ve got some good news.
It’s not too hard to get her back if you dumped her.
You just tell her that you messed up, and that is that.
You’re back together like nothing ever happened,
If you’ve ever had the experience of trying to get back a girl you dumped, you know how humbling it is when she starts ignoring you.
The good news is, if you dumped her, you’re likely handling it better than she is, at least according to a 286 person study on breakup outcomes that stated if you dump her, on average, she feels far more negative emotions.
So let’s read between the lines here.
Why do you think the she would be feeling that way?
Some of it you can explain as her feeling a loss of control, as well as feeling vulnerable, but that doesn’t tell the full story.
The real reason most women suffer after being dumped is because they didn’t want the breakup.
Because when a woman really wants a breakup, she’s almost always the one to initiate it.
But just because she didn’t want it doesn’t mean she’s going to run right back into your arms.
It’s never that easy – her emotional distress notwithstanding.
In the last few months I’ve had a lot of you tell me you’re struggling with trying to get an ex-girlfriend back who you dumped.
It’s always something along the lines of:
“I dumped her now she’s ignoring me, what do I do Jack? I want her back”
And if you’re one of those guys, buckle up, because I’m going to help you get through exactly that.
Here’s how you start.
First Things First – Do You Really Want Her Back?
You might be riding in here with guns blazing, 100% sure you want her back.
If that sounds like you, I’ve got a question for you.
Are you sure about that?
If you can tell me you’re 100% sure you want her back, I want you to read this very carefully first.
I also want you to ask yourself if you really want her back just because you’re afraid of being single. Research has shown that this makes you miss her more if you are.
So, are you still sure you want her back?
If that’s a yes (and it shouldn’t be for many of you), you can skip this next part.
Why Did You Dump Her In The First Place?
That’s a question you need to ask yourself before you do anything else.
There was a reason you dumped her. I want you to do me a favor and get really clear on what that reason is.
Some of the really common reasons I’ve seen are:
- You got angry at something she did/said and it finally set you over the edge and you ended it (without thinking)
- You caught her cheating and ended it in a fit of emotion.
- One of you moved away, and you didn’t want to do long distance.
- You left her for someone else that was “better”
- She had narcissistic personality disorder/BPD
- You thought you were bored of her.
- There was some type of fundamental difference in your personalities
Once you know what your reason is – it’s time to go one step further.
Proactive vs. Reactive Breakups
A proactive breakup is one that you know you need to do ahead of time. Generally speaking, you start thinking about a proactive breakup when you know there’s something wrong with your relationship.
Generally speaking, you think about the entire relationship and the idea of dumping her logically. You get to a point where you can logically tell yourself you would be better off single, even if that’s not the way you feel.
A reactive breakup, on the other hand, is never premeditated. Reactive breakups are always a reaction to something. Catching her cheating or getting angry at something she did are the two most common.
Now you need to decide which category your breakup falls under. Be honest with yourself – it’s important for what you do next.
If Your Breakup Was Proactive
Will getting back together with her really change anything?
Unless it’s been a few years, the problem that caused the breakup hasn’t changed. Neither has your ex-girlfriend.
If you get back together, how long until that problem comes up again?
And then how long until you start second-guessing your decision to get back together with her?
If your breakup was truly proactive, do us both a favor and stop.
Don’t make a decision yet. Read this to make sure you’re not getting overwhelmed by an ex-girlfriend addiction.
Wait 72 hours and ask yourself again – do you still want her back?
Just because you feel like shit right now doesn’t mean that the breakup was a bad idea. It’s normal for you to feel shitty even if you were the one that dumped her.
Most guys feel great at first, but after a few weeks doubts start to creep in. I see it happen all the time. Don’t go back to a woman that’s not right for you just because you’re feeling needy.
Don’t do that to her, and definitely don’t do it to yourself.
But, if you’re 100% sure that you want her back..read on.
If Your Breakup Was Reactive
On the other hand, if you flipped a shit and broke up with her in an emotional fit and now you want her back, you need to take some time on the sidelines.
As a man, it’s up to you to maintain your composure when things hit the fan.
It doesn’t matter what happens to you, it’s all about how you react to it.
I’m not saying this to put you down either.
I’m telling you this because the more reactive you are, the worse your relationships end up being.
You break up with her (or she breaks up with you).
Then you get back together.
…until you fight and break up again.
But wait, you get back together after that.
It’ a vicious cycle.
And the worst part is, the relationship gets worse after every breakup. Multiple studies have shown that reactive on-again-off-again relationships are linked with poor relationship quality and a significant decrease in self-esteem.
With that being said – if you’re convinced that you still want her back, figure out what caused the emotional outburst that led to you dumping her and get it under control.
Because the first thing you’re going to have to do is pretty fucking hard.
Step 1: Wave The White Flag (And Apologize)
If you dumped her and now she’s ignoring you, the first thing you have to do is apologize for the breakup.
Whether or not you had a good reason for dumping her, if she’s ignoring you, she’s either hurt or she’s angry regardless of whether she wants the relationship to resume or not.
The only way you’re going to get around this if you dumped her and she’s ignoring you is to give her a sincere apology.
Address the root cause as diplomatically as possible and remind her you still love her/like her.
I would phrase it something like this.
“Hey [name], I was wrong for [whatever you did]. I wanted to apologize for how I acted. I was [however you acted] because [what happened] and I didn’t handle it well. I’m sorry. I know this doesn’t change anything, but if you ever change your mind, give me a call. If not, I wish you all the best.
Step 2: Don’t Chase Her.
Your first instinct if you’re missing her is to want to chase her. However, chasing her is the worst thing you can do, especially if she’s ignoring you now.
If you chase her after you dumped her, you’re going to turn her off.
You have to let her come to you at her own pace! This is the crucial step that most guys miss!
After you’ve apologized to her, it’s up to you to go no-contact. All the usual rules apply. You need to give her the space to choose you.
You can’t force her to choose you.
The only thing you can do is to take your attention away and give her the time to start missing you. Once she does miss you, she’ll reach out.
Step 3: Take Some Time To Improve Your Life
Even if you dumped her, you shouldn’t be just waiting for her to get back in contact with you if she’s ignoring you.
Instead, focus on doing these 8 things that will make you a better man (and improve your relationship quality) while you’re in no-contact.
Step 4: When She Reaches Out
When she gets in contact with you, you want to get her to come see you in person.
Don’t waste time talking on the phone.
She’ll want to talk things out over the phone, and at first, this might seem like a reasonable request.
But if you really want her back, you want to see her in person.
There’s a few good reasons for this too.
- In-person interaction is more rewarding and builds bonds faster.
- You’ve probably heard that over 90% of our communication is nonverbal. This is of course, not true. What is true, however, is that talking in person increases understanding, which is exactly what you want to come to if you want her back.
- Talking in person = makeup sex. I don’t think I need to go into too much detail about how this works.
There are two ways you can approach the first date.
If you just dumped her (<2 month), it’s better to just talk things out right away. Her coming over to your place = her being willing to hear you out.
The longer you wait to talk things out, the more she’s able to see herself without you.
If it’s been a little longer (>2 months), or if she dated someone else, there’s no rush to talking things out.
Follow the playbook here if that’s the case.
Once she’s at your place, pay attention to her tone. Focus on keeping the entire date happy and upbeat, even if you sense she is reserved.
The more fun you can have, the better.
Because if you’re having fun, she won’t be ignoring you.
Need More Help?
Getting back your ex-girlfriend is difficult no matter who did the dumping. If you want to make the process of getting her back or getting someone better as simple as following a series of steps, I can help you.