If your ex-girlfriend is directly or indirectly showing you how angry she is at you, it’s a good sign she’s still emotionally invested in your relationship. You have a great chance to get back together if you handle the root of her anger correctly.
When a woman is completely over a guy, she stops caring altogether. You’ll often hear something along the lines of “I’m done”, followed by complete emotional coldness.
A woman who has moved on will focus her emotions elsewhere. Whether it’s on her career, her friends, or a pet, she’ll find an outlet. But it won’t be you.
When a woman you were in a relationship is angry at you, it means she’s still attached to you. Double that if she’s actively showing it to you.
If you want her back, you need to diffuse that anger. Keep reading and I’ll tell you how.
Your Ex-Girlfriend Being Angry Is Not A Death Sentence
Back when I was in college, I was in a rebound relationship with a girl named Paige. I was still learning the ropes with how women work, and one particular night still stands out to me.
I had staggered back home to my apartment, wasted out of my mind to find her sitting in my room.
“I can’t believe you forgot about me!” she cried angrily, “I’m so fucking done with you!”
Being the dense bastard that I was, I quickly threw her out of my apartment so I could relieve the pounding migraine that was drilling into my skull.
In my drunken haze, I had forgotten that we were supposed to go out together. Whoops!
The next day she texted me a 15-page long novel telling me how angry she was. In her own words, we were over.
I shrugged and did nothing. I didn’t react. Because she was a rebound, I wasn’t invested in her even though she was extremely hot. To be honest, I was still mourning the previous relationship I had lost before her.
I would later realize that the lack of reaction was crucial to what happened next.
After about a month, she caught up to me after I had just finished a workout.
“Can we talk?” she asked.
I agreed, and we walked back to her place which was about 5 minutes away.
As soon as we shut the door to her room she threw herself at me with hunger in her eyes. I quickly got the message and went to work.
We got back together that night, and her little outburst was never mentioned again.
If you look at this entire situation like most men, it makes absolutely no sense. At the time, it certainly made no sense to me! How could she tell me we were done but then throw herself at me?
However, if you think of your ex-girlfriend like a volcano it makes a lot more sense.
Volcanos are fed by massive magma tubes and chambers that are often several times bigger than the mountain itself. When a volcano erupts, the lava you see on the surface is often only a fraction of the magma that’s hiding beneath the rock.
Then, after a volcano erupts and spits its toxic gas and fumes, it quiets down for a while until the pressure builds again.
Your ex-girlfriend is similar. There’s a lot going on beneath the surface that you don’t see. The pressure builds and builds, until it finally erupts in the form of anger.
But that’s all you see from her. The anger. You don’t see all the pressure beneath the anger, and all the little things that built the pressure.
Her anger is just a symptom of what she’s really feeling underneath, as anger never exists in a vacuum.
And as a rule, the more emotions she feels towards you, the more attracted she is to you.
What Her Anger Really Means
Your ex-girlfriend isn’t angry just to be angry. Anger is almost always a cover for what she’s really feeling. This can include feeling left behind, disregarded, devalued, unlovable, rejected, or powerless.
These feelings bring a lot of pain, especially for women. That’s why it’s so easy for your ex to lash out at you. No matter who or what caused the breakup, ending a relationship is extremely painful.
Now, do you notice what each of these feelings have in common? They’re all different forms of vulnerability. That’s what anger really is. Her anger is a cover for her feeling vulnerable.
Think about it for a second. Do you ever see someone who’s on the top of his or her game get angry?
If you’re a football fan, think about Tom Brady in the clutch. Or Kobe (RIP). Hell, even Patrick Mahomes did it, overcoming multiple 10 point deficits.
They’re cool and collected under pressure because they don’t feel vulnerable. They know they can handle the situation because they’ve completely mastered their emotions.
On the other hand, people that are vulnerable are much quicker to lash out in anger because they haven’t built the confidence and self-worth to be able to cope with the prospect of being vulnerable.
Take Paige for example. She got angry at me for leaving her behind because she felt like I had completely disregarded and devalued her by forgetting about her.
Instead of communicating that to me, she used anger to save face and show me that she was “in control” of the situation. She didn’t want to seem vulnerable.
That’s what anger is. It’s a psychological defense that she’s probably not even aware of. Like with most defense mechanisms, she had gotten so good at doing it that it was instinctual.
The key takeaway here is even if she’s showing you anger on the outside, you have to remember she’s not really angry. She’s hurt, and something you did or something she’s feeling has made her feel vulnerable.
Is She Showing You How Angry She Is?
If your ex-girlfriend is actively showing you how angry she is, what’s she’s really trying to tell you is “hey, you hurt me. You need to fix this”.
In other words, she’s giving you an opportunity to get to the source of the problem and save your relationship.
Here’s the thing though: you might not realize that she’s showing you her anger. When you think of anger, what comes to mind?
If you’re like most people, the first thing that comes to mind is what’s called outward anger. It’s the type when people scream and yell and go completely red in the face.
Sometimes beds are thrown:
Or chairs and trashcans.
Outward anger is certainly one way your ex-girlfriend might express anger towards you. This can take the form of:
- Arguing with you
- Yelling at you in person/over the phone
- Talking about you negatively on social media
- Constantly bickering
- Badmouthing you
- Talking negatively about you to friends or family
- Not giving your shit back
- Trying to get revenge (like dating your best friend)
- Cheating (prior to the breakup) or flaunting a new guy in your face.
If your ex is Latina, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Black women do this too, but it seems to be less common with White and Asian women.
The thing is, outward anger isn’t the only way your ex might be showing you that she’s angry.
There’s also inward anger and passive-aggressive anger.
Inward anger is as the name suggests when someone turns their anger at themselves and keeps it inside of them. It can be incredibly hard to spot. People suffering from inward anger tend to be withdrawn and distant.
If you’re smart and you’re following the no-contact rule, it’s almost impossible to spot inward anger. And that’s probably a good thing, because inward anger goes hand in hand with more serious issues like depression and poor self-worth.
In other words, not the best type of woman for a long term relationship.
The final type of anger is passive-aggressive anger.
White women (and some Asian women) love passive-aggressive anger. Passive-aggressive anger is common when the angry party is afraid of the reaction he or she might get from expressing anger directly.
It’s more common in cultures where overt displays of emotion are frowned upon, which is why you see it a lot with White and Asian women.
- Use of words like “fine” or “whatever” followed by heavy sulking and withdrawal
- Subtle verbal barbs that seem okay on the surface, but are laced negatively.
- Hot and cold behavior
- Ghosting you for a date (although she could just be flakey)
- Being mildly confrontational
- Frequent complaining about the things you do, who you are, etc.
- Complaining about little things like the shorts you’re wearing, or how she doesn’t want to eat at a certain place
If you see her displaying any of these signs of anger at you, pay attention. Look for the specific triggers. They’ll give you a world of insight into what she’s thinking.
What’s Making Her Angry = What She’s Disappointed About
We’ve already established that anger is a cover for vulnerability.
If you want to get right to the root of what’s bothering her, pay attention to when she gets angry.
Does she get angry when you use no contact correctly? She’s disappointed you haven’t texted her because it’s making her miss you, which makes her feel vulnerable.
Is she passive-aggressively dissing you when you throw a picture of you and some ladies on the gram? She’s hurt because she’s jealous of what they might mean to you.
Although you shouldn’t be contacting her, you can keep track of what she’s doing in your journal. It can help you understand her pain points if you two decide to get back together down the road.
Is My Ex-Girlfriend’s Anger A Sign She Wants Me Back?
It’s a sign that she’s at least is thinking about you. That doesn’t mean she wants you back though.
However, if she has a rational reason for being angry, getting to the root of the problem can give you a much better chance at reconciliation.
That being said, her anger can also be a shit test. The best way to deal with shit tests is to completely ignore them.
Never respond to her just because she’s angry about something. The best way to deal with anger is to wait until it cools off.
Too many guys see anger as a chance to get into an argument with her. Your ex may have also told you “I want you to fight for me!”
She doesn’t mean that literally. Fighting her is going to accomplish nothing. Pay attention to what she’s saying though. She may have legitimate concerns you’ll want to address if you get back together.
Wait until she cools off and speaks to you more rationally. Chances are, if she’s angry, she’ll reach out to you again.
When she does, follow the plan I’ve outlined and you’ll be in good shape.
Just make sure to avoid any trigger points that you know will make her angry. If you get back together, you can talk about it then and reconciling the things bothering her.
Ultimately, handling what’s she angry about if you two back together will signal that you’ve thought about what she’s angry about and reflect well on you and your relationship with her going forward.