This is a recent email from a subscriber who’s getting taken through the ringer by his ex-girlfriend. He claims he’s over his ex and is confused about the entire thing. Think about what he’s saying. Is he really over his ex? Did he follow the no-contact rule correctly?
Hi Jack,
My ex and I broke up about a year ago after I found out she cheated on me with a guy I knew from high school. I was really hurt and broke up with her. It took me about 7 months, but I finally got over her. Last week she sent me a facebook message saying that she had made a huge mistake and that she wants me back. She told me that she was so sorry she had hurt me, and that she wants another chance.
I sent her a message back asking what happened, but she didn’t want to talk about it. We’ve been talking back and forth for the last few days and I feel stuck. I’m dating another girl who I like but I can’t stop thinking about her. Why is she doing this?
Looking forward to hearing from you,
James
My response:
Hi James,
It sounds like your ex-girlfriend is reaching out to you because you’re her backup plan. Things probably went south with the guy she cheated on you with, and she’s reaching out to you because she’s afraid of being alone. Remember, people only act in accordance with their own self interest.
Women who jump between men for fear of being alone usually have self esteem issues, which it sounds like your ex-girlfriend did, based on how she initially cheated on you. She’s trying to come back because she wants to be validated by you.
I also don’t have any reason to believe she’s actually reformed. If it took her over a year to realize she made a huge mistake, chances are something else is going on behind the scenes that has caused her to have this “revelation”. Again, this is because something went south with the guy she was seeing.
My gut instinct tells me that you aren’t over her like you claim you are. To me, it sounds like you want her back, otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking this question. I also find it telling that you’re still thinking about your ex-girlfriend even though she cheated on you, and you’re dating someone else.
It sounds like you need to look inside to see if you’re still holding on to some negative emotions regarding how your relationship ended for the first time. Did you ever forgive her for cheating on you? That’s the first step for truly moving on.
I also wonder if you really like your current girlfriend as much as you think. Is she a rebound, or do you guys share a genuine connection based on something more than just sex? Take a step back and evaluate your relationship. I’ve made the same mistake before, where I let a rebound relationship stop me from fully moving on from my ex.
As far as what I think you should do? That depends on what you want. Personally, I wouldn’t want to take a girl back who cheated on me. If you two were to get back into a relationship, she’ll know that she can get away with it again if she so chooses. In a way, giving in to her is a tacit admission on your part that cheating is okay.
You also have your current girlfriend to consider. If you realize that she’s a rebound relationship, I strongly suggest ending things with her and learning to be single for a while. In the meantime, start dating new women casually and learning to improve your women skills.
Spend some time learning about what is important to you in a relationship, and learn how to meet and sleep with high-quality women that will help you forget people your ex-girlfriend.
With that being said, if you are determined to get her back, stop trading back and forth messages and follow my simple formula.
- Invite her to come over to your place to cook dinner or to just talk.
- If she doesn’t accept, she’s just using you for validation
- If she does, cook dinner with her and generally have a good time.
- Don’t talk about your relationship or anything serious. Keep it light and fun.
- Escalate the situation by touching her gently over the course of the night, eventually building up to a makeout.
- If she’s good so far, continue to ramp up the tension. Get her breathing heavily, and then back off. Talk for a few minutes and then continue escalating.
- Once you are at the high point in the night, begin to wrap up the date.
- Spend a few more minutes talking to her before telling her it’s late, and you’ve got things to do in the morning. Don’t let her spend the night the first time.
- Once she leaves, wait to hear from her. Once she texts you, you can go ahead and set the next date at your place. You want to aim for between 3-5 dates at your place ending in sex before you can look at doing anything else.
I don’t recommend making her any more than a reserve, because she’s a known cheater. I personally would not want that in the back of my head. Once a cheater is always a cheater, and as soon as the infatuation fades, she’ll likely start looking elsewhere for romantic attention. Then, you’ll be back to square one.
You could try dating her casually while seeing other women, but again, you can get someone far better than the options you have right now if you take the time to work on yourself.
However, what you do with this information is up to you!
In the meantime,
Good luck James!
For those of you keeping score at home, it sounds like James did apply the no-contact rule partially, where he managed to ignore his ex-girlfriend, which is why she ended up reaching out to him after she split from whomever she was seeing.
However, where he went wrong is he didn’t focus on improving himself and getting better quality women. Part of using no-contact correctly is improving yourself so you can meet and date a better woman than your ex-girlfriend.
His current girlfriend was likely a downgrade from his ex, which is partially responsible for why he suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about her when she re-entered the picture. Had he found a better woman, it would have been easy to shrug off a low-value cheating ex-girlfriend.
When you follow the no-contact guide correctly, you’ll be able to improve yourself to a point where the idea of even getting back together with an ex seems like a waste of time.
With that being said, cheating does leave it’s mark. Because of the extreme emotional pain that cheating causes, it’s extremely important to make sure you’ve expressed all of the negative emotions your ex-girlfriend made you feel, otherwise she will have a hold on you for years to come, much like she does on James.
Practice forgiveness with your exes and it will cultivate an air of acceptance, where you’ll be able to take what happened for what it is, and let go of all of the pain. That way when a low value woman like James’ ex-girlfriend reaches out, you can smile, reflect on how great your life is, and just never respond.
At the end of the day, you want women in your life who truly support you, not pull shit like James’ ex-girlfriend.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Got a burning question about your ex-girlfriend or your unique situation that you want my expert advice on? Click here to learn how I can help you.