Ahh, the holiday season. There’s nothing like being pressured by monstrous corporate entities and their enormous advertising budgets to transactionalize your relationship with friends.
But this year is a little bit different.
So let me give it to you straight: if you are asking yourself “should I get my ex-girlfriend a Christmas gift ” or something like that, the answer is no. When you are still emotionally invested in your former relationship with your ex-girlfriend, getting her a Christmas gift isn’t a good move because it not only sets up an obligation for her to respond in kind, but it directly violates the rule of never chasing a woman who dumped you.
Neither of these is good for you if you want to be able to move on from your breakup quickly. So instead of wondering what gift to get your ex-girlfriend for Christmas, put your money back into your pocket and take a deep breath.
You Probably Want To Get Her A Gift Because You Are Still Connected To Her
It doesn’t matter if your breakup was mutual, civil, or one-sided. If you are no longer in a relationship with her, you are under no obligation to get your ex-girlfriend a Christmas gift.
I’m willing to bet that if you are asking this question, one or more of the following is true:
Why You Feel Obligated To Get Her A Christmas Gift
- You haven’t made the decision to move on from her yet;
- You are still talking to her, even if it’s infrequent;
- You’re still “friends” or in regular contact with her through work, school, or some other shared obligation;
- You still care what she thinks about you;
- You got her the gift before the breakup happened;
- She got you a gift;
Related: Should You Be Friends With Her If She Dumped You?
When you are still attached to her (or wish to be attached to her), that obligation to get her a Christmas gift may linger. Gift-giving is one way we build and maintain existing social bonds.
While this is all well and good for most of your relationships, your relationship with your ex-girlfriend isn’t one you should be looking to maintain. Part of recovering from your breakup is learning to withdraw from her life with grace by breaking your Ex-Girlfriend Addiction.
Getting her an unsolicited Christmas gift that you are under no obligation to send is the exact opposite of that.
But if you aren’t convinced, that’s fine. You may still feel like giving her a gift is the right idea. But have you thought about how she will feel when she receives it?
Let’s Imagine How Your Christmas Gift Might Make Her Feel
Picture this: it’s finally Christmas Day and your ex-girlfriend is sitting around the Christmas Tree with her friends and family.
The lights are flashing, the gifts look incredible, and her Aunt Karen is already piss drunk even though it’s only 11:00 AM.
By the time she’s reached this point, the holiday season is almost over and she’s probably had quite the time. Over the last 5 weeks, she has probably been stressed as shit about:
- All the shit she needs to do – whether that’s preparing to entertain, travel, or go to 15 different parties
- Wondering how she’s going to answer questions from friends and family about her newly single life
- The busy season at her job, or finals at school. Q4 is when the $$ is made.
- All the shit she can’t afford (and all the ads reminding her to buy it anyway)
- Having “happy” couples shoved in her face 24/7 on the Hallmark channel
- All of her the expectations for what the holidays should be
- Constant reminders of all the shit she didn’t get done because this breakup breakup torpedo’d that.
- Putting up with her family for an extended period of time (and Aunt Karen’s spiked eggnog problem)
Or maybe her network is smaller, and she’ll feel chronically lonely looking at all the happy couples and happy families she isn’t a part of.
Either way, chances are she is already stressed to some degree about the holidays and we haven’t even gotten to the elephant in the room: your breakup.
On top of all the other stress, she may feel like she’s expected to put on a smile and be okay in front of everyone in her life and handle her feelings alone instead of ruining everyone’s happy time.
Related: Did She Dump You Right Before Christmas? Read This
Needless to say – even though she dumped you, her Christmas is going to already be uncomfortable – so do you really want to make her feel even more uncomfortable by sending her an unsolicited Christmas gift she didn’t ask for?
Remember, I’m talking about the girl who probably had her reasons for leaving you, and is very likely still hurting and missing you in her life, even though she probably doesn’t want to get back together with you.
Even if you don’t think she’s hurting at all, the chances are good that she is suffering at least a little bit.
I know you really want to give her the perfect gift that you’ve been planning all year to remind her how much she means to you. But at best, all you are going to accomplish is to make her feel weird because when you give someone a gift, there’s an obligation to respond in kind.[1] At worst, you’ll hurt both yourself and her. Do you really want to do that?
So instead of asking what to get your ex-girlfriend for Christmas, what you really should be asking is why do really you want to get her something?
Are You Sure You’re Over Her Yet?
Point blank: you want to get her something because you are still attached to her. While you may tell yourself it’s because you want to make her feel good, I doubt that is the full truth.
Search your feelings: are you truly over her?
I didn’t think so, because the urge to get your ex-girlfriend a Christmas gift will vanish as your attachment to her fades.
Your objective during Christmas shouldn’t be putting yourself in her shoes in order to get her the perfect Christmas gift. Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to focus on yourself. Have a great time with your friends and family who love you, and get ready for the new year and all the new opportunities that it will present.
Related: How To Focus On Yourself – According To One Of The Most Powerful Men To Ever Live
So if you haven’t gotten her a Christmas gift yet – then you are all good. Take the money you were going to spend on getting her a gift and put it towards something you want.
Because what matters right now isn’t what she wants, but what you want.
But what about if you already bought her something before the breakup?
Should I Give Her The Christmas Present I Already Got For Her?
In case you’re the type of guy who thinks “I already got it, what’s the harm in giving it to her?” I feel like I need to say this: If you already bought her a Christmas gift, the best thing you can do is to try and return it.
Everything I said above still applies. She will still feel uncomfortable receiving it, and you giving it to her will set up a dynamic where she is obligated to respond (and where you likely will be waiting on a response, even if you claim otherwise) that is terrible for your recovery.
Be honest with yourself: you’re not going to give her the gift and not give a shit about what her response will be. The fact that you are reading this should tell you that.
So do the best thing for yourself: return the gift if possible. If it’s cheap, throw it away. Otherwise, re-gift it to someone else. Remember: even though you shared a relationship, your ex-girlfriend is now a stranger to you and you need to treat her as such. For one reason or another, she didn’t want to be in your life and you must respect that even if you desperately want it to be different.
How Should You Respond If Your Ex-Girlfriend Gives You A Christmas Gift?
The best way to respond to receiving a Christmas gift from your ex-girlfriend is to not respond at all.
If you follow what I teach here, you should be doing indefinite no-contact.
You might be asking yourself why she sent you a gift, and that’s a fair question. While it’s impossible for me to say for sure, she probably sent you a gift because:
Why Did Your Ex-Girlfriend Send You A Christmas Gift?
- You are still “friends”;
- It could be a peace offering because she wants you back in her life (usually as her friend)
- You still see her because of a shared mutual obligation;
- She got you the gift before your broke up and wants it gone;
- You ignored my advice and sent her one;
- She wants you to think of her (don’t get your hopes up, this is uncommon if she dumped you)
Again, it’s impossible to say for sure. We are not her, so there’s no way we’ll be able to exactly guess her motives. Regardless of what the truth is, what you should do remains the same: don’t respond in kind, or even communicate with her at all. You are not obligated to return the favor. She made the decision to send you the gift without taking your feelings into consideration.
This Christmas, Give Her The Gift Of Missing You
The first Christmas without her is always the hardest. Trust me, I get it. This is supposed to be the time when you come together with your friends and loved ones to celebrate making it through another year. Celebrating it without the woman you most likely still love is never easy.
So don’t make it any harder on yourself (and on her) by sending your ex-girlfriend a Christmas gift. The best gift you can give your ex-girlfriend for Christmas is the gift of solitude.
So stick with no contact, even though it’s hard. Every day you stay strong and resist the urge to contact her is another day that you are closer to feeling like yourself again.
So don’t overthink it. Don’t send her a Christmas gift.
Save that money instead and treat yourself and someone close to you to something fun. The memory you make will certainly be sweeter than the awkward “Thank you, but I didn’t ask for this” text you’ll get from your ex-girlfriend if you send her a gift.
If you are still struggling to cope with getting dumped, the best thing you can do right now is to get my free 7 day email course on how you can take control of your life again. It’s jam-packed with actionable information that will help you set yourself free so you can focus on what matters this Christmas: enjoying time with your friends and family, not thinking about a woman who left you.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Need help processing the breakup so you can get back to feeling like yourself again? Click here to learn how I can help you.