A letter to your ex-girlfriend can mean many things.
Perhaps it’s a way to find closure.
To say everything that has been left unsaid.
…or to help you grapple with a struggle that’s more painful than you could have ever imagined.
I know you desperately want to remind the woman you love that she means everything to you.
That despite everything, you still want her back. That you want to make the relationship work. That you’re willing to work to fix what went wrong.
But what do you say in this letter?
How do you balance being honest about your feelings without being needy?
And hell, should you even send her a letter in the first place?
Will it really give you the peace of mind you’re looking for?
…and will a letter to her after she broke up with you really help get her back?
Over the last 6 years, I’ve had the pleasure of working 1-on-1 with thousands of men from all over the world – many of whom have written letters to their ex-girlfriends for the reasons I’ve mentioned and many more.
And I’ve noticed something – the guys that send letters tend to be smart, empathetic, and thoughtful men. Perhaps this describes you too.
And trust me when I say – I know how painful it is to sit on the fence – wondering if you should spill your guts in a letter.
Because I’ve been there too.
That’s why in this article, not only am I going to answer all your questions about writing a letter to your ex-girlfriend…I’m also going to give you 8 of my battle-tested sample letters. You can steal these to help give your own letter structure.
And if you read to the end…I’m going to sneak an additional bonus in there for you that’ll supercharge the effects of whatever letter you decide to write.
More closure, more catharsis, and perhaps…a better chance of getting her back.
Sound like a deal?
Let’s jump right into it.
When Should You Write A Letter To Your Ex-Girlfriend?
You should only write a letter to your ex-girlfriend if you are 100% okay with the possibility that:
- She won’t respond at all OR
- She won’t respond to the letter the way you want her to
Unlike the Dan Bacon’s of the world – I’m not going to pull any punches – there’s no secret to getting your ex-girlfriend back.
A letter can help you feel better.
But it is not guaranteed to help you get her back – even when you use any of the 8 sample letters to your ex-girlfriend that I’ve included here.
It’s entirely possible that even if you pour your sincere emotions, and all of your love into the letter that it will be too little, too late.
When I was younger, I wrote over a dozen handwritten letters with elegant prose to my at-the-time ex-girlfriend – only for her to tell me it was too little, too late.
Many of my coaching clients have had similar results – and these are men from all over the world with wildly different relationship situations and breakups.
Seriously – I can think of about a half-dozen cases out of over 1,000 men I’ve worked with where a letter ultimately was the difference between staying apart and getting back together.
And for every one of these success stories, there are numerous failures.
Keep that in mind.
As far as timing – you should only send a letter to your ex-girlfriend if she is still in contact with you and the breakup was recent (under 3 months). After a certain point, sending a long, drawn out letter can become overwhelming and your chances of it being taken well diminish.
And that’s not what you want, is it?
Now that we have that out of the way…
How Do You Write A Letter To Her If You Want Her Back?
If you don’t want her back and you’re just looking to put your feelings into words, feel free to disregard this advice.
With that said, any letter you send to her if you want her back should:
- Be sincere and heartfelt without blowing smoke up her ass;
- Be layered with genuine remorse for any mistakes you made;
- Be non-needy (aka don’t beg for her back);
- Be respectful of her feelings (don’t try to change her mind, or disrespect her decision to leave you)
- Highlight your path forward
- Keep the door open for the future.
On the other hand, there are a number of mistakes you want to avoid.
First of all, if you’ve read anything Dan Bacon has recommended – discard it.
I mean, c’mon this is a direct quote from the guy on his article about what to write in a letter to your ex.
“No hard feelings. No one is perfect – especially you when cooking in the kitchen”
Dan Bacon’s “Magnetic” Letter Template To Get Her Back (lol)
I’m sure your ex-girlfriend will love some discreet, 1960s style sexism. By all means, try this and see what happens.
Just don’t expect me to be able to help you if you patronize her like this.
Crocks like Dan Bacon aside, what do you want to avoid?
- Too much humor: Trying to be funny in a tense situation can make you look like you’re gaslighting her if you aren’t careful.
- Trying to flirt with her: Look, she knows you want her back – trying to flirt with her at the same time is almost always too much. Save that shit for when she sees you in person.
- Agreeing to friendship – you should never agree to be friends with her if you want her back.
- Writing a f*cking novel: If you want her back, shorter is better so she actually reads what you have to say. While this isn’t a hard and fast rule – keeping it to under a page is generally best.
Now that you know what to do, and when you should send a letter – let’s dive into the samples.
My 8 Sample Letters You Can Steal
Obviously you shouldn’t steal these exactly.
You’re not me – so you don’t want to write like me.
Put your unique spin on each of these.
If you want more information on how to fine-tune each of these prompts for your unique situation, you’re going to want to pick up my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back – the Fundamentals. In it, I teach critical concepts like how to demonstrate empathy and bring down her walls – both of which are critical if you want to get her back.
With that said..here’s what you need to do if you don’t want to use The Fundamentals.
What I reccomend you do is find the template that best matches what you are looking to accomplish, and then physically write the letter with a pen and paper.
Why this way instead of emailing it to her?
We’ll get to that in just a second.
With that said, here are 8 of my sample letter templates that you can steal.
1: Sample Goodbye Letter to Your Ex-Girlfriend:
Dear [Ex-girlfriend’s Name],
As we have come to the end of our relationship, I wanted to take a moment to say goodbye. We’ve shared so many good memories together and I want to take a moment to tell you how much our time together has meant to me.
[Talk about memories and feelings you have here]
While it hurts me to the core to have to let you go, I know that this is the best decision for both of us. I wish you all the best, and I will always love you. I hope you find happiness in whatever the future holds for you.
I’ll always cherish the time we spent together. You’ve taught me so much about what it means to be in a relationship, and to be a man.
And for that, I’m incredibly grateful.
Take care and goodbye,
[Your Name]
Obviously, this is not the template to use if you want her back. This sample letter is suitable if you want to close the door for good.
Ironically, I’ve had a several of my clients use this template only to have their ex-girlfriends come back many months later.
Don’t count on that being you, though.
2: Sample Sorry Letter to Your Ex-Girlfriend:
Dear [Ex-girlfriend’s Name],
I’m sorry for [mistakes you made during the relationship].
I realize now that my actions have caused you immense pain because [insert reasons why you know your actions have hurt her].
I’ve spent many sleepless nights reflecting on my behavior.
In hindsight, I can see where I went wrong and how I could have been a better partner. I don’t expect you to forgive me – but I do hope this letter offers you some small measure of comfort.
[Insert how you will be changing your behavior going forward to be a better person / partner]
I understand why you made the decision to break up with me, and I hope that you can find peace.
I hope this letter finds you well.
I love you.
Wishing you all the best,
[Your Name]
While I’m not a huge fan of apologizing via letter (it’s better to do this in person) this can be a viable alternative if you are blocked or she otherwise won’t speak to you.
Just keep in mind that it’s entirely possible that if you’ve made a big enough fuck-up, that no amount of apologizing will get you back in her good graces.
So know that your apology may end up being for your conscience, and your conscience alone.
This letter template works better for situations where your behavior took place over a period of time. For example if you got focused on work and neglected her, or
Now what about if you fucked something up big time?
3: Sample Letter to Ask Your Ex-Girlfriend for Forgiveness After You Messed Up:
Dear [Ex-girlfriend’s Name],
Words cannot express the depth of my remorse for the mistakes I’ve made and the heartache I’ve caused you. I’m writing this letter to seek your forgiveness, as I’ve come to realize just how much my actions have hurt you. From the bottom of my heart, I am profoundly sorry.
The gravity of my missteps weighs heavily on me, and I can’t help but feel the crushing regret that accompanies my actions. I want you to know that I have spent countless sleepless nights reflecting on what I did wrong, and I am committed to learning from these mistakes.
It’s my sincere hope to grow and evolve into a better person, someone who can cherish and respect the love and trust that you once placed in me.
I understand that my words may not erase the pain and disappointment I’ve caused, but I hope they can offer a glimpse into the depth of my sorrow.
My heart aches with the knowledge that I’ve hurt the person I cared for so deeply. If there’s even a small chance that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise to work tirelessly to become the person you deserve.
Please take all the time you need to heal, reflect, and make sense of the emotions you’re experiencing. I want you to know that my feelings for you have not waned and that I will patiently await your decision, whatever it may be.
With deepest regrets and sincerest apologies,
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
You’d want to use a sample letter like this if you did something big and bad – for example, if you said something that was out of line or got into a huge arguement.
Be aware that using a sample letter template like this is only the first step to rebuilding trust.
One letter does not absolve you of a mistake you made.
4: Sample Letter to Your Ex-Girlfriend if You’re Sad:
Dear [Ex-girlfriend’s Name],
I hope this letter finds you well. I felt compelled to write to you and share the immense sadness that has enveloped me since our breakup. The end of our relationship has left me feeling lost and disoriented, struggling to navigate life without you.
I miss you.
There’s a hole in my life where you used to be, and I still grieve that loss.
As I try to heal and move forward, I’m haunted by the memories we shared and the dreams we once had. I often find myself reminiscing about the laughter and love that filled our days, and the strength and solace we found in each other’s arms. It’s a bittersweet reminder of what we once had and a testament to the deep connection we shared.
I genuinely hope that, in time, we can both find healing and happiness along our separate paths. Though our journey together has come to an end, I’ll always cherish the time we spent together and the love we shared. May we both continue to grow and find the peace and fulfillment that our hearts desire.
Wishing you all the best and sending warm thoughts your way,
[Your Name]
To be honest with you – there’s really no reason why you should send a letter like this.
The only reason I could think of to send her a letter like this is if circumstances drove you apart and you are sending her this letter as a type of catharsis – so that nothing is left unsaid.
While you may have heard vulnerability is critical to connection (it is), it’s only going to get you somewhere if she’s already invested in you.
And right now – she’s likely not invested in you.
5: Sample Letter To Your Ex-Girlfriend To Say “I Miss You”
Dear [Ex-girlfriend’s Name],
I hope you’re doing well.
I’ve been thinking about our relationship recently. Since we’ve gone our own ways – I’ve missed you more than I could image possible.
I understand why you felt our path’s needed to seperate and I respect your decision.
And while I understand that we can’t re-do the past, I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how you still hold a special place in my heart.
You always will.
The experiences we shared and the growth we inspired in each other have undoubtedly shaped the man I am today.
As we both move forward, pursuing our individual goals and dreams, I wish you nothing but happiness, success, and fulfillment in every aspect of your life. You deserve all the good things that come your way, and I am genuinely grateful for the time we had together.
Please take care of yourself, and know that you will always have a special place in my heart.
Warmest regards,
[Your Name]
Generally speaking, most of my clients end up sending letters like this prior to working with me.
The generic “I miss you” letter feels good to write, but it doesn’t do you much good when it comes to getting her back.
Why?
These types of letters focus on you and how you feel, instead of expressing empathy for how she’s feeling, and how she felt leading up to the breakup.
If you’re thinking about writing this type of letter, read the article I’ve linked down below. It’ll smack some sense into you.
Related: Read This If You Miss Her Right Now
6: Sample Letter to Your Ex-Girlfriend if You Cheated on Her:
Dear [Ex-girlfriend’s Name],
I’ve been struggling to find the right words to express my deepest remorse for betraying your trust and cheating on you. I know that my actions were not only inexcusable but also caused you immense pain and heartache. I wish I could turn back time and make things right, but I understand that my actions can’t be undone.
As I reflect on the past, I realize that I was selfish, and didn’t appreciate the beautiful relationship we shared. I am truly sorry for my mistakes and for the hurt I’ve caused you. I want you to know that my heart is filled with regret.
In an effort to make amends and show my commitment to change, I have taken the following steps to grow and become a better person:
- I have started attending therapy to address my emotional issues and understand the reasons behind my actions.
- I am committed to being completely honest and transparent with you, should you choose to engage with me in the future.
- I have taken the time to reflect on my behavior and understand the impact it had on our relationship and your well-being.
- I am actively working on rebuilding trust with the people in my life and demonstrating my commitment to being a loyal and trustworthy partner.
While I understand that you may never be able to forgive me, my hope is that my actions and growth can at least provide you with some closure. I truly wish you healing, happiness, and all the best in your future endeavors
With deepest regret and sincerity,
[Your Name]
Note: I always say show, don’t tell when it comes to changes.
However – cheating is one of the only cases where you’re almost forced to say something. If you don’t, you’re the asshole – because cheating requires communication to overcome.
In all seriousness though, if you cheated on her and she dumped you – your chances of getting her back with just a letter are slim to none.
7: Sample Letter to Your Ex-Girlfriend to Make Her Cry:
Dear [Ex-girlfriend’s Name],
As I sit down to write this letter, my heart is heavy with a mix of emotions – sorrow, regret, and a profound sense of loss. Our relationship was a beautiful tapestry of laughter, love, and unforgettable memories that I will forever hold dear.
The realization that we’re done is hard. I remember how my heart was on fire the first time I looked into your eyes. To see where we’re at now makes me want to cry.
The way your smile could light up a room, the warmth of your embrace, and the sheer joy we found in each other’s company are memories I will treasure for the rest of my days.
I want you to know that you have left a mark on my heart, and your absence has left a void that no one else can fill.
In the quiet moments of reflection, I am confronted by the harsh reality that I was not the person you deserved.
I wish I could have been stronger, kinder, and more attentive to your needs. The thought of losing you forever is agonizing, but I want nothing more than for you to find the happiness and love that you truly deserve.
As we move forward on separate paths, please know that you will always hold a sacred place in my heart. The love we shared will forever be a testament to the profound connection we once had. I pray that life brings you the joy, fulfillment, and love that you so rightly deserve.
With a heart full of love and sadness,
[Your name]
While this letter may be touching – and indeed it even brings a tear to my eye you have to consider that your ex-girlfriend may have already cried all the tears she has.
As I’ve talked about before, when your girlfriend makes the decision to leave you, it’s very rarely a split second decision.
It’s often after weeks, months, or even years of small dissapointments, broken trust, and lost attraction.
Keep that in mind.
This letter may be too little, too late.
Read More: Your Ex-Girlfriend Moved On So Fast Because For Her, Your Relationship Was Already Over
8: Sample Letter to Your Ex-Girlfriend to Get Closure:
Dear [Ex-girlfriend’s Name],
I am reaching out to seek closure from our past relationship, as I believe it is essential for both of us to move forward, heal, and continue growing as individuals.
Our time together was a mix of wonderful moments and challenges that tested our bond. While the end of our relationship was painful, I’ve spent time reflecting on everything we went through, both the good and the difficult times.
These experiences have taught me valuable lessons that I will carry with me, helping me grow and become a better person.
As I seek closure, I would appreciate it if you could share your thoughts on what went wrong in our relationship and why you ultimately decided to leave. Understanding your perspective would help me gain insight, learn, and prevent making the same mistakes in the future.
I want to thank you for the time we spent together and the memories we created. Despite our differences and the challenges we faced, I will always cherish those moments. I sincerely wish you the best in life, and I hope that you find the love and happiness you deserve.
Please take care, and who knows, maybe our paths will cross again someday under better circumstances.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
Okay – I’ve Written My Letter. Now What?
Remember how I told you at the beginning of this article that I had a trick that will help you supercharge your results – whether you want to get over her or you want her back?
Now that you’ve gone through the effort to write the letter, I want you to take it and put it in your drawer for 24 hours.
Don’t send it yet.
Once 24 hours have passed, take the letter out.
Re-read it.
Add anything you missed the first time.
And then put it back in your drawer for another 24 hours.
After that – take the letter out and re-read it for a second time.
Re-write it into a complete draft.
And then ask yourself- are you sure you really want to send it?
If you are sure you want to send it…keep reading.
Sending A Letter To Your Ex (Probably) Isn’t Going To Help Get Her Back
Even if your intention isn’t to get her back, and you just want to mend your relationship so she doesn’t hate your guts, or just get closure – a letter isn’t the way to go about that.
While a heartfelt letter is a great way to express your emotions – it’s unlikely that it will be a difference maker.
In some cases, sending a letter is considered chasing your ex-girlfriend which doesn’t work if you want her back.
Why?
- Timing: You need to give her enough time to miss you, and enough time for you to genuinely change your behavior
- One-Sided: While a letter is personal – it lacks many of the context clues we rely on to derive meaning. Emotional cues, body language, and tone of voice are all lost in the letter. She might intepret your letter wrong.
- Too little, too late: While a letter can be an incedibly meaningful, heartfelt gesture – if she has already made up her mind on you, a letter isn’t going to change her mind.
- She may not read it: This happens more often than you think. It’s easy to shred a letter without even looking at it
While a letter might not guarantee that you will get her back, it can still be a valuable tool for expressing your feelings and gaining closure.
I actually encourage many of my clients to write letters addressed to their ex – because just writing out your feelings is incredibly cathartic.
Sending it on the other hand?
Not always a great idea.
These letters are great to keep as a halmark of your emotional state that you can look back at in the future. Alternatively, some of my clients find it meaningful to burn them – and symbolize new beginnings.
Keep that in mind.
Focus on yourself, your feelings, and your outcomes.
Not on trying to convince her to come back to you.
If you want to get my help on how you do that exactly, while still leaving the door open for a second chance with your ex-girlfriend, go get my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back.
I’ll see you inside.
If not, keep fighting the good fight.
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack