Your ex-girlfriend agreeing to meet up with you is a good sign if you are looking to get back together with her. But before you start getting your hopes up, it’s critical that you are fully prepared for the meetup. This is doubly true if you are meeting your ex for the first time after a breakup.
If you want the meet up to go as smoothly as possible, you’ll need to be on your best behavior, which is why it’s incredibly important to have a plan beforehand.
Today, I’m going to give you my tried and true game plan so your first date is enjoyable for both you and your ex.
To be clear, I am assuming that this is a date, not a friendly meet up. If you follow what we teach here at Men’s Breakup, you should never agree to be friends after a breakup, especially if she dumped you.
With that out of the way, we need to address the elephant in the room. Even though I know you want to meet up with her, it may not be worth it.
Should You Meet Up With Your Ex-Girlfriend?
If your gut is telling you that your ex-girlfriend only wants to meet up with you to so she can key your car while you are in the bathroom, you probably want to avoid meeting up.
All jokes aside, the more you meet up with your ex-girlfriend, the longer it’s going to take you to move on from your breakup.
So if you don’t think the relationship is worth rekindling, you are better off not meeting up. Better to bite the bullet, let her go, and start focusing on building a new life of long-term, masculine happiness for yourself.
For that reason, I don’t recommend meeting up with her if any of the following apply.
Reasons You Shouldn’t Meet Up With Her
- You want to move on from the relationship.
- It’s an on-off relationship where you constantly break up and get back together.
- The relationship was toxic, abusive, or otherwise negative.
- It’s only a few days after the breakup happened (we’ll talk more about this in a second).
- You want to move on from the relationship.
- She has another guy in the picture.
- If she has told you at any point that all she can offer you is friendship.
- One (or both of you) is planning on moving.
- She’s not the type of woman you want to be in a long-term relationship with.
Sometimes it’s better to just let go.
I get that your brain is probably screaming at you to meet up with her. I really do. I’ve been in your shoes before. But at Men’s Breakup, we teach long-term, masculine happiness, which means you need to think about more than just what you want right now. What is the future you going to want in a month? 6 months? A year? Is it still going to be her?
Moreover, are you emotionally prepared if things happen to go south? Is your mental health in a place where you can handle that kind of setback without making any bad decisions? Have you taken the time to engage in self-reflection so you understand what went wrong?
Let me turn it over to my friend Omni Man for a second
There are no guarantees you will get her back. So please, if you’re not ready, don’t meet up with her. If you’re not sure whether or not to meet up with her, the best thing you can do is to visit the link below and send me an email with more specific details about your situation so I can give you the tailored advice you need so that you don’t make a critical mistake.
What Does It Mean If Your Ex Agrees To Meet You?
When your ex agrees to meet you, it generally means 1 of 3 things:
- She’s at least open to giving you a chance to get things right
- She wants to keep you in her life, usually as a friend.
- There are outstanding Breakup Logistics that need to be resolved.
There are a couple of assumptions baked into the above. They are:
- Your romantic relationship ended less than a year ago;
- Your ex-girlfriend was the one who reached out, and you decided to pitch the meetup as I talk about in the article linked below.
- Alternatively, your ex-girlfriend wants to meet up and talk which means she reached out and proposed the meeting.
If you are not sure why she’s reaching out to you, send me an email with more information about your unique situation and I can give you a better assessment.
What it doesn’t assume is that you’ve been constantly blowing her phone up trying to get her to meet you.
Every so often I’ll get a guy who sends me an email that says something along the lines of “I asked my ex to meet up and she said yes”.
Sounds great, right?
But when I dig a little deeper about who reached out to who, it’s almost always the case that this guy hasn’t left her alone since the breakup. If that’s you, and you’ve been texting her non-stop since the breakup to meet up, generally she agreed to meet up for a single reason.
To tell you nicely that you need to move on and stop contacting her.
If that describes you, you need to read the article I have linked below. It’s one of my most popular articles for a reason: because most guys screw this shit up.
Read More: Don’t Chase. Let Her Go If You Want Her Back
There’s no shame in being one of them, because once upon a time I did too. Just make sure that lightning doesn’t strike twice, okay?
The Science Behind Why Your Ex-Girlfriend Wants To Meet Up
The desire for contact with an ex is generally indicative of poor psychological adjustment and less acceptance after the breakup. This includes feelings of longing, and attachment to an ex. Other research has suggested that the desire to meet up with an ex may serve as a means to reduce post-breakup anxiety, by attempting to fill the void left by the relationship.
The takeaway here is there’s a chance that she still has lingering romantic feelings if she agreed to meet up with you. This is generally true even if your girlfriend broke up with you. At the same time, there is only one way to know for sure.
This is why (in my opinion) you should consider the meetup as a date with your ex-girlfriend, and assume she’s interested in you. She might not be, but there’s only one way to find out for sure.
It doesn’t mean you are going to get back together, but it does set the right frame of mind for what we will be talking about next.
When Your Ex Agrees To Meet Up With You
It’s important to understand that when your ex agrees to meet up with you that you aren’t resuming your past relationship.
And while I understand you probably aren’t thrilled with what you are hearing about how long it takes to get your ex-girlfriend back…
One date isn’t going to undo past mistakes, hurt feelings, or resolve any of the crazy things that went on after your breakup.
Nor is the date meant to be a trip down memory lane. You aren’t there to rehash the past. It’s not about getting back together, either.
The date is meant to accomplish 2 things, and two things only:
- To see if you still feel happy when she’s around and can have fun with her;
- To show (not tell) her what she’s missing out on / to leave her feeling curious;
The date isn’t about getting your ex back. It’s not about trying to convince her how great you are. It’s not about putting on an act and trying to be someone you aren’t. It’s about having a low-pressure, fun night together with a woman you are interested in getting to know again.
Are You Still The Same Person? If So, Beware.
One of the key ideas I teach here at Men’s Breakup is that you shouldn’t even think about getting back together with her until you have given yourself the time and space to reflect on why the relationship ended.
When a woman you were in a long-term relationship with decides to leave you, it’s often after weeks, months, or even years of mistake after mistake made on your part.
By the time she finally reached the breaking point, the relationship was already over in many cases.
If you haven’t taken the time to reflect on what went wrong, your part in it, AND taken the time to begin working on yourself, you are going to have a hard time getting her back even if you nail the first meet.
If it’s only been a few days after the breakup, you just haven’t had enough time to reflect yet. Once you stop missing her so acutely, you have an idea of what went wrong, AND your life is under control, then, by all means, meet up with her if you think you are ready.
Change takes time my friend, but it is necessary.
Otherwise, you are just wasting her time and yours. Put yourself first here, your long-term happiness is more important than any.
I’m going to assume you have done the work from here on out. If you haven’t, do us both a favor and stick around here for a few weeks and learn what I teach. You can start by clicking the link above to get my new course The Fundamentals which will get you from zero to dangerous in 7 days (by teaching you everything you need to know for a second chance).
From here on out, I’ll assume you’re well equipped for what comes next.
As I mentioned before, you want your first date to be fun and low-key, which is why it’s so important that…
The First Date With Your Ex-Girlfriend Should Be Dinner At Your Place
The first date with your ex-girlfriend after your breakup should always be dinner at your place. By dinner, I suggest that you cook dinner together instead of you cooking it for her, or ordering takeout.
If you didn’t cook for her during the relationship, now is the time to do it. If you don’t know how to cook (which I know many of my readers don’t) then you need to learn how to cook at least one tasty dish reasonably well. I know you’re not lazy, otherwise, you wouldn’t have read this far. No excuses.
There are 5 reasons why I recommend cooking dinner with your ex-girlfriend at home.
- Your place is a quiet, low-pressure setting so you can pay attention to her.
- You’ll be less nervous about making a mistake since you are out of the public eye;
- Inviting her to cook dinner is a very clear and obvious date. If she isn’t interested in a date, she probably will decline and save you time because…
- Cooking dinner together can be incredibly fun and romantic if you know how to set the mood;
- Doing something together can help you break the ice, especially if it’s been a bit since you’ve seen her in person.
Meeting your ex for coffee or inviting her to go out somewhere can work, but I generally don’t recommend it. It’s nowhere near as romantic as cooking dinner together. Plus, having other people around could make you or her nervous. You don’t need that.
Meeting in person for the first time is difficult enough, no need to add an extra layer.
Are You Confident You’ll Be Able To Handle Any Mixed Signals?
The dynamics of meeting up with an ex for the first time after the breakup are a lot like a first date with a woman you are going on a first date with.
The one difference is that you have a prior history with her, so even if you do pay close attention to her throughout the night, it’s impossible to say how the night will go.
While it’s one thing to shrug and move on from a bad first date, it’s another thing to watch the girl you love vacillate from affectionate to cold and reserved. You should expect these mixed signals, and have a plan in place to handle them.
I remember one occasion from back in my early 20s, when I was on a date with a girl who had dumped me about 2 months before. We had been flirting on and off for most of the day, until she dropped the bomb on me: she had slept with someone else. I didn’t lose my cool, but it certainly affected my mood for the rest of the date.
So ask yourself: are you prepared for things to go sideways?
How will you react if she tells you she’s dating another guy? What if she’s only giving you short answers to your questions?
Remember, no matter what she says, she still agreed to meet up with you. Even in the worst-case scenario, that means she is at least considering what you have to offer.
That doesn’t mean she has to take what you’re offering though.
Your goal on the date is to have fun! While she might want to sneak barbs at you or tell you she’s better off alone, keep your cool. If she acts rude and dismissive during your date, or you’ll need to ask yourself some difficult questions after. Chief among them: are you sure it’s her you miss? Or do you just miss the idea of your relationship?
More on that later.
What To Wear When You Meet Your Ex-Girlfriend
It’s important that you think about what you want to wear before meeting your ex-girlfriend in person.
The way you dress affects how you think and how you feel. Although science is catching up to what men like Deion Sanders have been telling us for years, a 2012 study demonstrated that the simple act of wearing a white lab coat increased selective attention compared to no coat or a painter’s coat.
Is it such a stretch to imagine that a nice outfit that highlights your best features will make you feel more desirable and confident?
On the other hand, changing how you dress is a great way to subtly show you’ve changed. It also shows that you’re putting in effort for her – and effort is good.
For example, if you used to wear sweatpants and a t-shirt out while you two were dating, change it up when she comes over.
Why? Because she remembers, including the little details. According to several studies out of Stanford, women outperform men in retrieving information from long-term memory. 
The you she’s looking at in person will be compared to the old you she used to date. She’ll check your grooming. She’ll notice the new watch and the bracelets.
You’ll speak volumes by changing your look, even if you say nothing else.
Don’t be afraid to try something a little bit different. Just make sure it fits you comfortably.
When I was changing my look, my new default was a pair of dark-washed Levis, and a black fitted t-shirt to show off the gym progress I had made.
There’s a good chance she’ll comment on your new sense of style. Regardless of what she says, don’t feel the need to over-explain yourself.
She may be asking only because she wants you to admit you’re doing it for her.
Don’t let her think that.
Wear A Scent She’s Familiar With
Have you ever caught a whiff of a smell and suddenly been pulled back in time to a place long past or seemingly forgotten?
This experience – called a Proustian moment – refers to the very real, and very powerful effect that scent has to recall vivid, almost autobiographical memories that are otherwise hidden in the fog of memory.
For your purposes, we can take advantage of this to give you an added boost going into the date.
What I suggest is wearing a scent that you wore frequently during a good period in your relationship. The close connection between scent and memory may arouse a positive emotional response just by wearing a cologne she is familiar with.
I’ve taught this technique to men thousands of times over the last 5 years or so, and I’ve seen positive results.
If you weren’t a cologne wearer during your time together – it’s worth picking up a new scent at the very least. If you’re in a pinch and not sure what to pick, don’t worry man, I’ve got you covered.
The Best Smelling Cologne (According To Science)
Dior Sauvage is undoubtedly one of the best smelling colognes I’ve ever seen. I picked it up for the first time a few years back and my god. I don’t want to oversell it, but I’ve had women stop me on the side of the street just to tell me I smell amazing.
Research by Faveable scored Dior Sauvage as its Most Sensual Cologne according to women after over 75 hours of research which should speak highly to its potential. Fair warning though, it’s expensive. You can buy a bottle (and help support me in creating more free content like this) if you grab a bottle through the link below.
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7 Ground Rules For The First Date With Your Ex Girlfriend After The Breakup
While I can’t script out the entire date for you unless you are in my Last First Date coaching program I can give you some guidelines that will set you up for success, if you follow them correctly. Because this article is already long enough, you have to take me on faith with these rules – I don’t have the space here to explain them all.
In this case, it’s more about what not to do than what to do.
The 7 Ground Rules For Your First Date
- The first date needs to be less than 2 hours long. You want to end the date on a high point.
- The first date is NOT about getting your ex back. Beat that into your head before she shows up. Set your expectations lower – relax and have a good time, with no expectations.
- Under no circumstances should you get angry, sad, or otherwise. If you need to compose yourself, go to the bathroom.
- Do not talk about the relationship or the breakup.
- Do not talk about any women you are seeing.
- Avoid consuming too much alcohol / other recreational drugs.
- Let her do between 70-80% of the talking.
How To Act When You Meet With Your Ex-Girlfriend
The key to having authentic relationships is to be authentic. Shocking, I know.
There are a metric fuck ton of dating “coaches” and relationship “experts” out there that will give you a million and one different “techniques” (most of which are only effective when they are second nature) that you genuinely don’t need to have a great first date with your ex-girlfriend.
You don’t need to put on an act. Being someone who you aren’t will set off her red flags. You’ll come across as inauthentic and fake, which is the last thing you want.
At the end of the day, being comfortable in your own skin is important. The pinnacle of outcome independence is the ability to be yourself without giving a shit about what anyone else thinks.
It’s important to be yourself, with one caveat.
You want to be the BEST version of yourself. You know, the kind of guy that she was attracted to in the first place, just turned up to 10.
She was attracted to you before, and she can be again if you can…
1: Be Charming, Playful and Fun (Without Overdoing It)
Mindset is everything if you want to re-attract your ex-girlfriend.
You want to be in a positive, happy-go-lucky state of mind when meeting up with her.
Of course, this is easier said than done, especially if you are still hurting from your breakup.
Luckily, there’s plenty you can do to cheer up ahead of time.
If you’ve got any negative feelings swirling around in your head, write about them in a journal.
If possible, spend time with your buddies before you meet your ex-girlfriend. Male friends are always good at getting you into a positive frame of mind.
If that’s not possible, do some blood pumping exercise. Whether that’s running sprints, playing basketball, or rock climbing, all that matters is you get your heart rate up and keep it up for at least 25-30 minutes.
Then endorphins released by the exercise will do wonders for your mood.
2: Show Her The Best Version Of Yourself
Your ex-girlfriend knows you better than most. If you act fake or like someone you aren’t, she’ll notice. Be yourself, but seek to act like the best version of yourself.
To figure out what that looks like, think about the version of you that attracted her in the first place. What was that guy like?
Once you think about him, try to assess where he felt short. Think about him as if he were someone completely different than you so that you can be objective.
What were his strengths? His weaknesses?
When I was learning these techniques for the first time at age 20, I assessed myself as having a good physique, good conversational skills, and a great attitude but poor confidence and next to no consistency.
The best version of me kept things light and free-flowing without judgment, easily moving from topic to topic which is important, because you want to…
3: Keep The Conversation Flowing During The Meet Up
You also want to make sure that you can keep things light and fun. Be playful,
There’s nothing worse than stumbling over what you want to say. An hour before she comes over, call someone you’re close to and talk to them for at least 15 minutes.
Talk to someone you’re comfortable with. I’ll be the first one to admit, I’m a huge momma’s boy. I used to call her to talk before I would go on a date with my ex-girlfriend.
Keep the topics positive! Focus on being engaged and asking questions. You’ll be doing the same with your ex-girlfriend.
If you watch public speakers, you’ll often see them get tripped up early but gain momentum as they persist. Here’s a great example of Steve Jobs experiencing the same thing.
You can feel the audience engagement climb as Jobs begins to hit his stride. His momentum builds slowly, but he finishes strong.
Think of your ex-girlfriend as the audience. You want to have momentum behind you as soon as she walks in. You want her to see the confidence in you from the start.
Keep the conversation light and fun, with the aim of getting her to talk about herself as much as possible.
Get her talking about how she feels about things.
For instance, instead of asking her what she’s reading, ask her why she loves reading that book and what she’s learned from it.
Once a certain topic starts to get stale, make sure you gracefully move the conversation in a new direction. The art of conversation is a topic in and of itself, one we will certainly cover another time if there is enough interest.
If you do it right, she will have an almost unbroken stream of things to say. Once you reach this point, you can sit back, let her do the majority of the talking, and simply shepherd the conversation from topic to topic.
Keeping her talking is extremely important and demonstrates your confidence.
You’ll feel better for it, and so will she.
This brings up my next point…
4: Acting Confident Is Attractive To Your Ex-Girlfriend
Leading her from the second she walks in the door is one of the best ways to show her how confident you are.
Since you invited her to your place, you are in a great position to take the lead.
You can start by adopting the body language of a leader. Focus on drawing your shoulders back, as if you wanted to show off your chest. When sitting, don’t slouch. Lean back and take up a lot of space.
Try to keep good eye contact when you’re talking to her, but especially when you are listening to her.
Just make sure your confidence doesn’t turn into arrogance. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, embarrass yourself, or poke fun at something you did wrong.
You want to maximize your presence, and these little tweaks will go a long way toward helping her feel comfortable around you.
You’ll be able to sense her warming up to you if you get it right.
How To Know The Date Is Going Well
- Playing with her hair or adjusting her makeup
- Her feet face towards you while you talk
- Long, thoughtful answers to your questions
- Her asking you questions
- Laughter (even if you aren’t funny)
- Her teasing you
- Her leaning towards you if you are sitting
- Looking downward when you make eye contact with her
- Smiles that wrinkle her forehead
- Not crossing her arms or legs
- Her “accidentally” brushing against you
- Her directly touching you
- Her looking at your lips or licking her own
- Her making an excuse to touch you.
These signals are her way of opening up so you can flirt with her. Other than conversation, a great way to flirt is through touch.
Touching builds connection. Once you recognize the signs that she wants to be touched, it’s up to you to slowly escalate while being mindful of her response.
5: Touch Her Gently As She Warms Up To You
Always start slowly with the touching. Stay away from her breasts, and between her legs initially.
I know some of you are going to write to me with something along the lines of “But Jack, those are the two areas where she’ll get the most aroused!”
No. That’s not how women work.
While you might like it if she skips the pleasantries and goes right for your dick, you have to remember: she doesn’t think as you do. Just because you like something doesn’t mean she does.
You need to build up to touching her intimate areas. You do that by starting with a low-risk body part. For example, you might tuck her hair behind her ear and gently brush your hand across her neck.
Remember: there’s no rush. Keep it gentle and intimate.
As you slowly escalate the touching, you will build sexual tension which will come in handy later.
Just remember, your date can’t be purely physical. You need to work on touching her during the normal flow of conversation.
Now you’re touching her gently, and keeping her talking about herself.
Things are moving in the right direction.
6: Don’t Act Needy During The Meet
This is exactly what happens when you get too needy.
So, the date’s going great, and you’re getting excited. It feels like you’re finally about to get your ex back. I remember feeling this several times when I was younger. It was like a liquid rush of excitement. My head was spinning.
If you catch yourself thinking this way at any point while she is over, stop whatever you’re doing, go to the bathroom and splash cold water on your face. This is exactly how you lose your ex-girlfriend for good.
Just because you’re feeling the fuzzies does not mean you can do any of the following:
- Start trying to talk about your previous relationship
- Bring up anything about other guys in her life (even if she mentions it first)
- Try to chase her down and corner her into a relationship again
- Beg for forgiveness
Would you do any of these things with a woman you were going on a first date with?
All of these things SCREAM neediness. Regardless if that’s why she left you the first time, that’ll give her ammo to do so a second time.
Read More: How To Re-Attract Her After Being Needy
When You’re Meeting Up With Your Ex For The First Time, You Want To End The Date On A High Note
Rule #1 is to not let the first date take any longer than 2 hours because you want to end the date on a high note. Assuming you’ve followed the playbook and spent the last two hours having a fun-filled, romantic time with plenty of good conversation, you should both be feeling good.
It’s at this point that you need to end the date.
There are a lot of ways to go about this, but the easiest way is also the most honest. If you’ve been working on yourself, you should have a lot of fun things going on in your life. Just have something going on the next day that requires you to get up early, even if it’s just an early morning run.
Then, all you have to do is say something along the lines of “Hey, it’s getting late, and I need to get up early”.
Be a gentleman and walk her out to her car. Open the door for her. Put in the effort – it will go a long way.
Once you’re out there if you feel like she’s open to it, I suggest ending the night with a kiss, and a line something along the lines of “all the kidding aside, I had a great night. Get home safe”
Here’s What To Do After Meeting Up With Your Ex-Girlfriend
Once she pulls away, pat yourself on the back. You successfully navigated your first date, and no matter how it went, that in and of itself is an achievement.
Before you start worrying about what to do after your first date with your ex-girlfriend, we need to talk about two things quickly.
You should still be seeing other women.
Don’t be the guy that immediately drops all the other women he’s seeing just because his ex-girlfriend is back in the picture. Even worse, don’t be the guy that’s not seeing any new women at all!
You could have the best date in the world with her, only to have her choose someone else for reasons beyond your control.
So you need to keep seeing other women, at least for now.
Would you quit your job just because you had a great interview at a new company?
Of course not!
You need to treat your ex-girlfriend like she is just another woman you are dating. She dumped you, which means she needs to earn her way back in.
The method I teach for dating new women is simple. After the first date, you reach out once a week to set another date.
Read More: Dating After A Breakup
With your ex-girlfriend, the formula is slightly different. After the first date, you want to let her reach out to you again. Once she reaches out, follow the same playbook. Invite her over to your place, and repeat the formula above.
The second date should be slightly different than the first. Ideally, there will be more flirting, and it will end with sex.
After the first and second dates, you want at least 1-2 more dates at home. If these dates continue to go well, you can switch over to going out like when you were in a relationship because you can be reasonably confident you are on the right track.
From there, you can start going out on regular dates again, as long as you set them close to your place or hers. Each date should end with sex.
If The Date Went Well
Once the first date is over, you are no longer in the no-contact period.
After she leaves, you want to wait to hear from her, especially if she dumped you. I suggest giving it up to 5 days. If you don’t hear from her within 5 days, reach out to her again with a direct, non-needy phone call or message asking what her schedule is like over the next week.
Pick a date where you are both free and invite her over to your place again.
The one thing you want to avoid is being friend-zoned by your ex-girlfriend. Read this article on what that looks like and make sure you never fall into this trap by doing things like:
- Agreeing to a date that’s somewhere other than your place
- Texting her back and forth “just to talk”
- Taking a “maybe” on plans
- Agreeing to go out with her and her friends
If she won’t agree to another date, tell her to get back to you when she’s free. The ball is in her court now.
Focus on dating other women until you hear from her again.
Want my assessment on how the date went and what your chances of it turning into a second date are?
If The Date Went KABOOM
If shit started popping off on the date, you need to back off. If you apologize and try to talk her down with guy logic, you will just make things worse.
GUY LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON WOMEN.
Back off for a week and don’t panic. Go back to no contact and figure out what went wrong.
Were you too needy? Did you force the interaction too hard? Maybe you weren’t properly calibrated and came off as boring and unfunny?
Re-read this article and apply the step-by-step process to your date. Figure out where your technique let you down – and then plan to fix it. Re-read this article as many times as it takes to internalize the concepts here.
You also need to consider the possibility that your relationship with her might not be able to be saved.
You can’t force a square peg into a round hole. You need to consider that you two just may not be compatible. In its own way, failing a second time hurts even more than the first – but it can be the wake-up call that you need.
Read More: The Hidden Purpose Of Pain
This is why it’s so important to always be dating other women. If your ex-girlfriend is not a good fit for you, it will be fairly obvious as you meet other women who are.
After a week has passed, reach out to her again with a quick, non-needy text to gauge her interest in coming over to your place.
Once your ex-girlfriend has agreed to meet, make another date at your place, and follow the formula above.
If she doesn’t agree, terminate the conversation and return to indefinite no-contact until she reaches out again.
PS: Want my expert advice on what you need to do during your first date with your ex? Learn how I can help you by clicking here.