So your ex-girlfriend agreed to meet up with you. This is a great sign if you’re looking to salvage your relationship.
At this point, you will have had some time apart to reflect on your feelings.
Your reasons to meet up with an ex aside, this method will work whether you’re meeting up after a break, meeting up with an ex after a week, or meeting up with her a year later.
The one thing you need to keep in mind before moving on your ex is your level of outcome independence. Read it before you continue, because if your outcome independence sucks, you’re a lot less likely to have her react the right way to you.
This is doubly true if she’s hanging out with a new guy. If you follow the playbook here, she’ll stop hanging out with him and choose you.
What does it mean if your ex agrees to meet you?
Your ex agreeing to meet you is her way of giving you a chance to get things right. Assuming she reached out to you, she’s essentially giving you a mulligan.
She’s telling you that she’s at least open to reconciliation.
Your job if you want to get her back is to get her to agree to a date at your place, and then seduce her during the date.
Before I break this down, you need to remember that just because your ex-girlfriend agreed to meet up with you, it doesn’t mean you two are back together.
Treating her like your girlfriend right away is going to turn her off and ruin any chance you have at getting back with her. You need to adopt the mindset that she’s just like any other girl you’re dating.
If you’re having trouble with this concept…
Approach the date without any anticipation and go into it expecting nothing. You’d be surprised what an effect your laid-back demeanor will have on her, especially if she broke up with you because you were too needy.
You want to adopt the mindset that she’s going to be reacting to you, not you reacting to her.
When your ex agrees to meet up with you
Set the date at your place!
You should only set the date at your place.
When you’re at home, you control the environment. There are no distractions, and you’ll be able to make your move on her without anything getting in the way.
Suggesting a date at your place also tells her there’s a chance sex will be involved.
If she accepts the invitation to your place, you can assume she’s at least considering the idea of having sex with you.
Which is exactly why you want to invite her over in the first place. A great night spent together capped off with some between the sheets fireworks can go a long way towards bringing her back to you.
In fact, as clinical Clinical psychologist Joseph Burgo Ph.D., author of The Narcissist You Know explains, sex is more important than ever when things aren’t going well.
Make sure you can laugh and flirt with her just like she’s any other girl.
The key to getting your ex-girlfriend back is presenting yourself positive and attractive way. Think about how you acted when she first fell in love with you.
Your job is to be an improved version of that guy, and that starts with getting your mindset in check.
At this point, your ex is just like any other girl. She’s not going to give you the benefit of the doubt just because you dated previously.
In fact, she might be extra critical of you and it’s important to make sure you’re in the right mood to diffuse her if she does.
Flirt and joke successfully, and you’ll begin to rekindle her attraction to you. Fail to do so, and you’ll either end up friend-zoned or sitting on the sidelines as she runs into the arms of another guy.
A great way to make sure you’re up to the challenge is to set up another date prior to meeting up with your ex. Get on Tinder or Hinge and try to set one up in the days leading up to the date with your ex-girlfriend.
During the date, practice joking and flirting with her. It doesn’t matter how she reacts. What you’re looking to do is build confidence in your execution.
Plus, seeing another girl will help you invest less in your ex. Think of it like your security blanket. Just because your ex-girlfriend agreed to meet, you aren’t guaranteed success.
If things go badly with your ex, you could have another girl waiting for you.
Understand why she broke up with you in the first place.
Before you’ll be able to re-attract her, you need to sit down and identify why you guys broke up.
I’ll give you an example.
I had a buddy named Dan in college. Dan was blessed with confidence and good looks in spades. His girlfriend broke up with him right before we graduated.
At first, I was shocked. He seemed like he had it all together. After sitting down and talking to him, I realized that he had been extremely aloof the last 6 months.
It turns out that Dan had been extremely inconsistent in following through on his promises to her. He was more interested in hanging with our group.
Consistency is one of the fundamental baselines to maintaining a masculine core. Dan hadn’t been consistent with his girlfriend, and she ended up doubting his masculine center to the point where she left him.
Dan and I hammered out the consistency issue. It’s not something that you can fix overnight, but he improved rapidly.
About 6 weeks after their breakup, she reached out to him and I advised him to set a definite date with a definite time.
Over the next two months he continued to follow through on his promises with her, and they eventually got back together.
Of course, this is just one example. Some other common issues I often see include:
· You were too needy.
· You were too emotional.
· You lacked confidence and assertiveness.
· You weren’t providing enough value in the relationship.
These are big problems, and by no means will you be able to completely change them in a short period of time.
Instead, work on improving your situation and have a plan for continued growth. You’ll want to be able to demonstrate your improvement to her without verbalizing it.
For example, if you lacked confidence and assertiveness in your relationship, you can non-verbally show her the change by asking her on a definite date, and then leading the interaction from there.
You don’t ever outright say that you’re more assertive – you show her instead of telling her.
Put in the work to fix what caused her to break up with you.
It’s easy enough to figure out where you went wrong. It’s not as easy to begin to change.
If you’re not willing to put in the time to really change what went wrong, you won’t get your ex-girlfriend back even though she agreed to meet up.
Ask yourself: have I worked to fix the problem areas that ended our relationship?
You should be able to specifically identify the work you did to fix the problem before you even think about having her over.
Let’s say you were too needy during the relationship. You’d want to have done things like:
- Identified the shortcomings in your upbringing that caused you to be needy and addressed them.
- Had experiences with other women that make it easier to believe that your ex isn’t the only girl out there.
- Have taken tangible action to make your life and lifestyle more interesting to you.
You don’t need to entirely change in the short term, but you’ll need to be well underway to get her back. You’re not doing it for her either. This is an investment in yourself!
Now, think about it from her point of view. In her mind, you don’t deserve to date her. Why should she take you back if you’re the same person, just promising new things?
She won’t. Most men who try to get an ex back don’t end up succeeding because they talk about change, but don’t follow up.
Show her that you’re a man of action and you’ll be that much closer to getting her back.
If you need help figuring out what exactly you need to do, one of my most popular articles happens to be 8 ways you can work on yourself.
Or, if you want to skip the guesswork you can get my help here.
Be confident you can navigate the date even if your ex-girlfriend isn’t initially receptive.
You should expect a reserved version of your ex-girlfriend showing up to your date. Your ex will initially be more reserved than a new woman, and won’t give you as many chances as someone new might.
That makes it crucial that you nail the first date. While it’s not a death sentence if you screw up, it’s going to make the prospects of getting back with your ex much more difficult.
While it might be off-putting to see someone, you love act so reserved, you’ll need to be able to maintain your cool and present an attractive personality towards her.
How will you react if she tells you she’s dating another guy? What if she’s only giving you short answers to your questions?
Remember, no matter what she says, she still agreed to meet up with you. Even in the worst-case scenario, that means she is at least considering what you have to offer.
That doesn’t mean she has to take what you’re offering though.
Your goal on the date is to have fun! While she might want to sneak barbs at you, or tell you she’s better off alone, don’t let it get to you.
Women say things all the time that they don’t mean. Hell, I had an ex tell me she never wanted to see me again when we broke up.
2 months later she was blowing up my phone asking me to take her back.
The point is, be prepared to encounter some adversity on when you see her. You’ll need to have internalized the plan here to be prepared for any roadblocks.
How to act when you meet up with your ex
Get into a positive mindset before the date.
Mindset is everything if you want to re-attract your ex.
You want to be in a positive, happy-go-lucky state of mind when meeting up with an ex girlfriend. I know this may be difficult, especially if you’re still hurting from your breakup, but there is plenty you can do to cheer up ahead of time.
If you’ve got any negative feelings swirling around in your head, write about them in a journal.
If possible, spend time with your buddies before you see your ex. Male friends are always good at getting you into a positive frame of mind.
If that’s not possible, do some blood pumping exercise. Whether that’s running sprints, playing basketball, or rock climbing, all that matters is you get your heart rate up and keep it up for at least 25-30 minutes. Then endorphins released by the exercise will do wonders for your mood.
You also want to make sure that your words are flowing. There’s nothing worse than stumbling over what you want to say. An hour before she comes over, call someone you’re close to and talk to them for at least 15 minutes.
Talk to someone you’re comfortable with. Shit, I’m not even ashamed to admit it, but I used to call either my mom or grandmother back when I was still learning this stuff.
Keep the topics positive! Focus on being engaged and asking questions. You’ll be doing the same with your ex.
If you watch public speakers, you’ll often see them get tripped up early but gain momentum as they persist. Here’s a great example of Steve Jobs experiencing the same thing.
Once you gain momentum, and audience engagement climbs. It’s palpable, and you can feel it in the room.
Think of your ex-girlfriend as the audience. You want to have momentum behind you as soon as she walks in. She wants to see the confidence in you.
You’ll feel better for it, and so will she.
Do a different style, and do it well.
Changing your look is a great way to implicitly show you’re different without having to say it.
For example, if you used to wear sweatpants and a t-shirt out while you two were dating, change it up when she comes over.
With women, subliminal communication always works better than the spoken word. You’ll speak volumes by changing your look, even if you say nothing else.
Don’t be afraid to try something a little bit different. As long as the cut is right, and what you’re wearing fits you properly, it will work. When I was changing my look, my new default was a pair of dark-washed Levis, and a black fitted t-shirt to show off the gym progress I had made.
There’s a good chance she’ll comment on your new sense of style. Regardless of what she says, don’t feel the need to over explain yourself. She may be asking only because she wants you to admit you’re doing it for her.
Don’t let her think that.
Wear a scent she’s familiar with.
For the record, Eternity for Men is still one of the BEST values in cologne, and women love it (and so do I).
But I digress.
One of the most powerful drivers of memory is scent.
The olfactory bulb in the nose runs alongside the bottom of the brain has strong connections to the amygdala and hippocampus, which are strongly implicated in memory.
Visual, tactile, and auditory information does not pass through these two areas. It shouldn’t surprise you to know these senses don’t have the same impact on memory.
Using this knowledge, you can hack your ex-girlfriend’s brain.
While I advise refreshing your cologne every so often, this is one case where you shouldn’t change what you’re doing.
Wearing a scent that you wore frequently during a happy period in the relationship usually correlates with a good date.
Because scent is so closely connected with memory, you’ll be able to arouse a strong emotional response in her by just wearing a cologne she’s familiar with.
This technique is surprisingly effective, and I’ve watched women take one deep inhalation of my scent and instantly relax. It’s that powerful.
If you weren’t a cologne wearer during your time together, now’s the time to start. It’s not entirely important what scent you wear, if you avoid floral notes. Stick to deep, masculine scents.
Take the lead during the date.
I probably don’t need to tell you that you should be leading the interaction from the second she walks in the door. However, you’re probably wondering how to make that happen.
Luckily, you’ve already taken the first step by inviting her over to your place. The logistics are already in your favor, and she’s already back at your place.
You’re in control, even if you don’t realize it.
From a physical perspective, make sure you keep strong eye contact while you’re talking to her, and while you’re listening to her.
You should also adopt the body language of a leader. Focus on drawing your shoulders back, as if you wanted to show off your chest. When sitting, don’t slouch. Lean back and take up a lot of space.
You want to maximize your presence, and these little tweaks will go a long way towards helping her feel comfortable submitting to you and allowing you to lead.
You’ll be able to sense her warming up to you if you get it right. Good cues to look for include:
· Playing with her hair or adjusting her makeup
· Her feet facing towards you while you talk
· Looking downward when you make eye contact with her
· Smiles that wrinkle her forehead
· Not crossing her arms or legs
· Her accidentally ‘brushing’ against you
· Looking at your lips
These signals are her way of telling you that she’s receptive to being touched, which as a leader you’ll need to dictate in order to control the flow of the evening.
Touch her softly as she starts to warm to you.
Always start slowly with the touching. If you overdo it, you’ll look overeager and needy, which will be a turnoff to her. Touch her hair, her wrists, and her shoulders gently. Don’t grope at her. Keep it gentle and intimate.
This will build sexual tension which will come in handy later. But your date can’t be purely physical, as you’ll also need to engage her emotions for the best results.
Keep the conversation light and fun, with the aim of always moving the interaction forward. Get her talking about how she feels about things. For instance, instead of asking her what she’s reading, ask her why she loves reading that book and what she’s learning from it.
Once a certain topic starts to get stale, make sure you gracefully move the conversation in a new direction. If you do it right, she will have an almost unbroken stream of things to say. Once you reach this point, you can sit back, let her do the majority of the talking, and simply shepherd the conversation from topic to topic.
Engaging her physically and mentally will help kickstart the flow of positive emotions that you want her to feel in order to re-attract her. Ultimately, engaging her positive emotional triggers is what will keep the date moving forward.
Whatever you do, don’t be needy!
So, the date’s going great, and you’re getting excited. It looks like you’re finally about to get her back. I remember feeling this several times when I was younger. It was like a liquid rush of excitement.
Of course, you want her back, and to you it seems that she wants you too.
If you catch yourself thinking this way at any point while she is over, stop whatever you’re doing, go to the bathroom and splash cold water on your face. This is exactly how you lose your ex for good.
Just because you’re feeling the fuzzies does not mean you can do any of the following:
- Start trying to talk about your previous relationship
- Bring up anything about who she’s seeing or was seeing
- Try to chase her down and corner her into a relationship again
- Beg for forgiveness
All of these things SCREAM neediness. Regardless if that’s why she left you the first time, that’ll give her ammo to do so a second time.
Your only objective on date one is to keep things light, and ultimately make love to her, so don’t make things harder on yourself!
Taking things to the bedroom
Okay, lets rewind to you before you had to splash water on your face. The date’s going great, and you’re getting excited. She’s warming up to you and her body language is getting more and more receptive. She’s overtly touching you and blushing when you look at her.
Maybe you’ve even made out by now.
It’s time to start gauging if she’s ready for more, and it’s up to you as a man to lead the interaction to the bedroom.
Start slowly at first. Make out for a little bit, and then stop and gently touch her some more. Weave in some light banter here and there.
As you progress and she gets more excited, match your escalation to the signals she’s giving you. If you do something and she starts breathing heavily, stop. Take your time. Don’t rush, for women the foreplay is more important than the actual sex itself.
Mix in gentle tracing with passionate kissing. Don’t go between the legs or on the chest without first thoroughly stimulating every other part of her body.
Taking the time to make sure she’s into it will pay dividends in better lovin’ for you down the road. If you knock it out of the part on foreplay and sex, your ex will not be able to resist you.
So, take it easy. Delay the actual act until she’s practically dripping in anticipation.
The sex will be better for you both.
By now, you should be in the bedroom and your clothes should be off. You know what comes next.
If she spurns your advances initially, don’t stress. This is a normal part of any seduction. Just back off and go back to making out and talking with her. Slowly build back up and take another run at her after some time has passed.
If she rejects you again, try one more time. It’s important to be patient! You must outwait women. Patience and persistence make the difference.
You should try to escalate 3 times, and 3 times only. If she stops you 3 times, then stop.
However, don’t be dissuaded if during the seduction process, she says things like:
- “We’re NOT having sex tonight”
- “Don’t think you’re getting any further than this”
- “We can’t have sex”
- “I’m not ready yet”
This is her way of telling you she is seriously considering the possibility of you two having sex.
Keep gently leading the interaction forward. You’ll be surprised when you end up sleeping with her despite her “objections”.
Women do say what they feel in the moment, but what they feel changes by the minute. That’s why it’s your job to persist. If you outwait her, and keep the positive momentum going with the kissing and the touching, it’s likely her mind will change about having sex with you.
Let her come to you, and don’t force it.
The tricky part can be navigating what happens afterward. Ideally, your ex will be just as happy as you are. However, there’s also the chance she may not feel the same way, and it’s up to you to navigate these choppy waters.
If she’s fine, then no worries. Follow the above tips on humor and conversation. Ideally, she’ll leave afterwards but if that’s not a topic you want to broach, feel free to have her sleep over.
However, if she takes it badly you will have a more complicated situation on your hands. More likely than not, she will want to leave. At this point, there’s not much you can say or do, so resist the urge to overly comfort her. Most importantly: do not apologize.
Assuming she gave her willing consent, you should never apologize for sex.
Help her get out of the house as gracefully as possible. Again, take your time. Try to cheer her up or lighten the mood.
You can hit her with a line like:
“My god, I never knew I was THAT bad!” with a sarcastic tone and a shit eating grin.
A good shit eating grin and a timely joke can diffuse even the tensest situation. Whatever you do though, don’t rush her out. Give her some time afterwards where you two lay together and continue the conversation from earlier.
By doing this, you’ll help her feel more comfortable about you. Treating her like a booty call won’t get you far, if you want her back.
After she leaves, you can pat yourself on the back.
Congratulations! You’re one step closer to getting your ex back, if that’s what you really want.
How did it go?
The ultimate indicator of how well you did is ultimately:
- Did you make love to her?
- What was the aftermath positive?
If you can say yes to both of those, then you did well. As far as logistics afterwards, let her reach out to you again. Within 5 days, she will reach out to you. When she does, you can set another date at your place. Ultimately, you want to repeat the same formula several times over and slowly build her confidence in you.
The one thing you want to avoid is being friend zoned by your ex. Read this article on what that looks like and make sure you never fall into this trap by doing things like:
- Initiating contact
- Texting her back and forth “just to talk”
- Taking a “maybe” on plans
- Agreeing to go out with her and her friends
If it didn’t go well, don’t panic. Go back to no contact. While you’re waiting for her to get back to you, evaluate what went wrong.
Were you too needy? Did you force the interaction too hard? Maybe you weren’t properly calibrated and came off as boring and unfunny?
Re-read this article and apply the step by step process to your date. Figure out where your technique let you down – and then plan to fix it. Re-read this article as many times as it takes to internalize the concepts here.
Once your ex-girlfriend has agreed to meet, make another date at your place, and follow the formula above.
Need More Help Getting Her Back?
If you’re having trouble applying these techniques, or want some more in-depth help putting together a game plan to get your ex back, I can help.
Book an email coaching session with me and I’ll work together with you to help you learn the principles laid out in this article. I’ll coach you through exactly what to do from the moment she walks in the door, until the moment she walks out so you don’t have to worry about anything going wrong.