Considering women initiate between 60-80% of breakups, your ex-girlfriend has likely spent months anticipating the breakup and preparing emotionally to move on. She was likely unhappy with your relationship, so she may feel relief to move on so quickly.
Now, this might come as a shock to you – considering that when asked over 60% of the men I surveyed for “How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Breakup?” reported they were caught completely off guard by their ex-girlfriend asking for a breakup.
So what gives? How the heck was she able to move on so fast?
Well, as it turns out, you’ve been living under a rock because your ex-girlfriend had likely been thinking about your breakup for months. In fact, she was telling you about it too. You just weren’t listening.
She had already mourned the loss of your relationship, and made her plans for the next step, whether that includes a new guy or not.
So you better listen to me now so you can avoid this happening again!
Women Become Dissatisfied With Relationships Much Faster Than Men
Way back in 1981 when my parents were busy rocking perms and wearing track pants, a book called “Loving and Leaving: Sex Differences In Romantic Attachments” was published.
The authors did a study on 231 women in the Boston area during the early 70s (my hometown, ironically enough) and reached three very interesting conclusions about relationships that will add some context to what I’m saying here.
Firstly, they determined that a woman’s overall level of relationship satisfaction (in this case, reported as a love score) was a better predictor of relationship success than a man’s level of satisfaction.
Secondly, they found that women tend to fall out of love much faster than men.
Notice how the women line on the graph diminishes quicker than the corresponding male line?
Thirdly, they found that women tend to report more problems in a relationship, and tend to be more sensitive to the perception that something is going wrong.
Just to add a little bit more seasoning before I break this down, let me give you one more tidbit. A 2015 study of over 5700 participants in 96 countries found that the most common reason women left relationships was because of a “lack of communication”.
While these might look like a bunch of random conclusions when taken separately, when put together we get a much clearer picture.
Women are more aware when something (communication) isn’t working. The less satisfied a woman is with her relationship, the more likely she is to end it. Considering communication in a relationship is essential for most women, we have a problem.
If you aren’t communicating well with her, she’s not going to want to tell you something is going wrong either, because she doesn’t think you’ll listen.
Then once she reaches the conclusion that it isn’t working, her attraction (love) to you drops quickly, and she begins preparing herself to leave once she’s no longer attracted to you.
And then, without warning, she drops the bomb on you.
To Make Things Even Worse, Her Attachment Pattern Can Make This Happen Even Faster
There are three attachment patterns that separate from partners much quicker than everyone else: the Dismissive Avoidant, the Anxious Pre-Occupied, and the Taylor Swift.
While I’m clearly joking about Taylor Swift (or am I?) the other two attachment styles are very real, and they’re more common than you think.
Around 25% of the population falls into the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment pattern, while another 11% are the Anxious-Preoccupied type.
That’s over 1 in 3 women for those of you not counting.
So what’s the deal?
The dismissive-avoidant does not handle long-term romance well. She’s usually an adept seductress who can’t tolerate sustained emotional closeness so she pushes away her serious partners as a defense mechanism.
These types of women get into and out of relationships quickly because of their strong need for independence. Even when she’s in a relationship with you, if things are getting too serious, you can bet she’s already planning her exit.
The Anxious-Preoccupied, on the other hand, is your classic attention seeker. She needs attention to fill the gaping hole inside of her, where she’s convinced herself that she isn’t worthy of real love. As a result, she’ll seek out attention (love) wherever it’s given.
Whether that’s from you, or from someone else may not matter to her.
Consider that a 2009 study found that the mere suggestion of a new partner made it easier for the anxious-preoccupied to move on from an ex.
In other words, if you stop giving her attention, she’s going to get it from someone else.
Now imagine your ex is the hot anxious-preoccupied type like our girl Taylor Swift. What do you think is going to happen when she’s single?
Women Are Also More Perceptive Of Their Sexual Market Value – And They Know When A Better Deal Is Available
Sorry in advance, because what I’m about to tell you is going to totally destroy your notion of romance.
No matter how faithful your ex-girlfriend was, I can promise you she was directly or indirectly propositioned by men who were more attractive, and who had more money than you.
She may have said no to all of them while you two were together. Or maybe she didn’t and cheated on you. Either way, she knows that there are other men out there for her, if she so chooses.
Now, we already know that her relationship satisfaction is the greatest predictor of relationship success. So what does it mean if she’s constantly being exposed to the alternatives to you?
It means she’s aware of the type of men she’s capable of getting. When you start screwing something up, she already knows that she’s capable of getting someone who won’t.
Science has already proven that women prefer bigger, stronger, and more masculine men. And as we already know, she’s been approached by them before.
This makes the thought of moving on easier, knowing she won’t have to suffer being alone, which is one of the biggest pain points for a newly single woman according to a study conducted in 2015.
Having that layer of security gives her the same outcome independence that I believe all men should strive for. It allows her to pick the best option for her at any given time, and say no to a bad deal, even if that bad deal is you.
Now I do want to stress that your ex-girlfriend didn’t just wake up one day and decide she was ready to leave.
No sir. She’s been planning this shit, likely for several months, which has given her plenty of time to mourn the end of the relationship.
By The Time She Breaks Up With You, She’s Already Prepared Herself To Be Single
Back when I was in my early teens, my mom had a boyfriend named Steve who I really looked up to. He was a great guy and spent more time with me than my own dad did.
He was around for about 5 years until one day he stopped coming to our house. Being that I was about 15 or 16 at the time, I didn’t understand what happened. I knew they had broken up, I just never got the details.
Fast forward about 4 years, and my mom told me the full story. She had broken up with Steve for a number of reasons I won’t go into here.
That wasn’t the thing that caught my attention though. It was how she admitted she had been thinking about the breakup for almost 3 months and by the time the final straw broke, she had already grieved the end of the relationship.
In other words – she had already suffered the pain of the breakup before the breakup had actually happened.
I was shocked. But it made sense. In the years since, I’ve seen this narrative repeated over and over.
A guy turns a woman off. The woman puts up with it for a few months and begins contemplating other options. Then, once she’s either prepared/something explosive happens, she leaves him for greener pastures.
Predictably the guy is shocked like you are right now. But the woman isn’t shocked. Because she knew this was coming, and she was ready for it.
Just in case you’re having trouble with this concept, let’s do a little thought experiment to help this sink in.
Imagine you’re dating a girl.
She’s nice, and you like spending time with her, but you’ve got other things going on that occupy you for most of your waking hours.
One day she starts acting a bit bitchier than usual. You notice, but don’t say anything. You might remark to your buddies that she’s not being very nice. But you still love her, so it’s no big deal.
She continues doing this for a few weeks and it progressively gets worse. You start to get resentful. The thoughts of what the single life would look like start creeping into your head.
But you don’t do anything. Yet. You entertain the thoughts of being single, but push it to the back of your mind.
Meanwhile, your buddies keep telling you that you deserve better. At first, you don’t agree with them. Your girlfriend is great, you think. She’s a good girl.
But the more you think about it, the more you start to agree. You work hard. You deserve someone who is sweet, not someone who’s a bitch all the time.
You start considering what a life without her looks like. You envision the possibilities, the new women, the freedom and all that. Naturally, you don’t tell her anything because you conclude she’ll just bitch at you some more if you say something.
You slowly start to distance yourself from her because you don’t want to put up with her bitchiness.
You spend more time with your buddies, and more time at work, away from her. It starts to dawn on you that this is what your life could be like. It could be free from drama. Free from her.
You start eyeing the hotties at work, and one of your co-workers seems to be suggesting she’s open to something more.
Hmmm.
You think about what your girlfriend means to you. She means a lot. But so does the rest of your life. That means even more.
Over time, you stop noticing the good things about your girlfriend. All you can do is think about how much she bitches. How much she nags. You become distant and she becomes even worse as a result.
Finally, you’ve had enough.
“I’m done!” you proclaim in a huff one night. Off into the night you ride. The next day, you wake feeling relieved. No more bitching. No more demands for your time.
It feels easy to move on in person, because in your head, you’ve already moved on. You started building a life without her months ago. Put yourself in this exact situation. How easy would it be for you to move on and focus on things you enjoy doing?
Pretty fucking easy, right?
Exactly.
Now you understand her thought process, because that’s exactly how it worked with your ex-girlfriend. She already had time to prepare for the end. When it finally came time to break it off, it was a relief, not a burden, which is why she moved on so quickly.
What Were The Signs I Missed?
All along she was telling you that she was thinking about the breakup. What happened is, you either missed it or misinterpreted it.
Now that might lead you to ask “Well, why didn’t she just come right out and say something was wrong”
I’ve seen a lot of men use this as an excuse. But the truth is, if she believed you were going to listen, she would have told you outright. For one reason or another, she got the idea that you didn’t want to listen to her. And as a result, she withdrew.
So let’s talk signs you probably missed:
- Her texting/calling you less and less. This can also extend to her canceling dates and mysteriously being “busy” even though you know she doesn’t have a lot going on.
- She suddenly started giving you fewer details about her day to day.
- She started to withdraw affection – touching you less and being less interested in sex (especially if she has a high sex drive).
- Asking fewer questions about your day when she’s seemingly uninterested in what you’re doing.
- Her seeming more aggravated than usual. It can also extend to her being more bitchy than she usually is.
- You stop being a priority in her life – suddenly her cat vomiting is more important than date night.
Most guys never notice these little things – and as a result, get caught with their pants down when the breakup happens.
If you’re realizing that you were one of them, don’t sweat it. We’ve all been there.
Now let me give you some slightly more hopeful news…
Now Here’s The Catch: Her “Moving On Quickly” Doesn’t Mean She’s Over You.
Just because you think she’s over you, doesn’t actually mean she’s over you.
Because here’s the thing: how she thinks she’s going to feel about something at any given time doesn’t indicate how she’s actually going to feel.
To this day, my mom still regrets breaking up with Steve, even though she had supposedly already grieved the end of the relationship.
Hell, one of my exes reached out to me after over 2 years to tell me she regretted breaking up with me. It happens more often than you think.
Your ex-girlfriend may be in the same boat. She might dump you and then get into a rebound relationship only to realize that she made a mistake leaving you.
Read More: Is Your Ex Really As Happy With Her Rebound As She Claims To Be?
And then, even though you haven’t talked in over 6 months, she’ll reach out to you.
So if you’re going through this situation right now, keep your chin up. Focus on what you can control because she might be back.
In the meantime, it’s up to you to start building a great life for yourself. Use the no-contact rule. Starting exercising. Write in a journal. And for the love of god, start dating new women.
There’s no rush for you to move on fast too. It’s not a race. Focus on building a great life for yourself. Don’t think too much about what she’s doing because you have no way of knowing what’s going on inside her head.
For all you know, she could be kicking herself for leaving you.
And if she’s not? Live your life so that one day, she might be.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Need help processing the breakup so you can get back to feeling like yourself again? Click here to learn how I can help you.