Has your once vibrant and talkative princess suddenly gone colder than the icy heart of the despotic arch-villain Vladimir Putin?
Do you always initiate conversations with your ex-girlfriend only to have them die off as soon as you stop putting in 100% effort?
Are you trying to turn the dial back to when you never ran out of things to talk about for hours on end?
If any of these are true, you are not going to like what I am about to say.
Before You Worry About Why She Never Initiates Contact, Ask Yourself This
Right now, I’m willing to bet you initiate conversations with her 80-90% of the time. If that is the case, have you stopped to ask yourself: is this getting me the results I’m looking for?
Remember: the only person who is going to help you get what you want is you, so I want you to really think about it.
Have your previous conversations helped you to:
- Get her back?
- Grieve the end of your relationship?
- Build a life of long-term, masculine happiness?
Take a minute and think about these questions.
I’m willing to bet you answered no to all of the above, right?
There’s a reason for that.
When you continue to initiate contact with (read: chase) a woman who has rejected you, you torpedo your self-respect and her respect for you. This destroys your chances of getting her back, and even worse, it can dramatically increase how long it takes you to properly grieve the breakup.
TLDR: You should never chase a woman who dumps you.
So before we worry about why your ex-girlfriend is not initiating contact, let’s get your head screwed on straight first.
Whether you want her back or not, you need to walk away. That means you need to stop contacting her right now.
If you are new to Men’s Breakup and what I teach, I’ll give you a pass this time if you’ve fucked this up. If you are a regular reader and you keep initiating contact, c’mon man! What are you doing? You know better. You have to let her come to you!
Whether you are new to Men’s Breakup (welcome) or not (welcome back), there’s never a bad time to introduce you or remind you about one of the most important principles I teach here.
Why Initiating Contact With Your Ex-Girlfriend Is Bad
Are either (or both) of these statements true?
- I want another chance with my ex-girlfriend;
- I want to move on and start feeling like myself again;
If so, then you need to make it a point to get the following concept locked into that brain of yours, because it’s going to make what you want possible.
If she dumped you, you should not initiate contact with her for any reason other than to handle the breakup logistics. If you dumped her, you should only initiate contact once where you sincerely apologize for breaking up with her before clearly telling her you are interested in trying again.
So why do I teach this?
- You have to let women come to you at a pace they are comfortable with;
- Contact with your ex-girlfriend increases the amount of time it takes you to heal from the breakup;
- You don’t have to agonize about when to reach out or how;
Instead of chasing after a woman who may not be interested, you do the opposite of every other man and focus on yourself. Instead of worrying about what she is doing, you focus on accepting the breakup, healing yourself, and then building a life of long-term, masculine happiness. If she wants to be a part of it, it’s up to her to contact you – not the other way around.
When you make the mistake of initiating contact with your ex-girlfriend, you compromise your recovery process and lessen the chance that she will come back, as I mentioned before.
Trust me, I understand why you are doing it. I know you feel like the connection you shared with her was special. I know she’s the only one who can make you feel better. I know that, deep down, you’re afraid that if you stop initiating, she’s going to vanish from your life forever.
If you are feeling this way my friend, take a deep breath. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are going to be okay. Your feelings are completely valid. It’s normal to feel confused, anxious, empty, and lonely without her. That is part of healing.
Read More: The Hidden Purpose Of Your Pain
For now, though, I need you to stop contacting her, okay? Your recovery and your long-term happiness are too fucking important for us to let your ex get in the way.
Welcome back to the light side. Glad to have you here.
Read this article: Ignoring Your Ex-Girlfriend Is The Only Way To Get Her Back
Okay, now that we have that business out of the way, let’s dive into why she won’t initiate contact with you.
If She Won’t Initiate Contact And You Were In A Short-Term Relationship (<3 Months)
Tell me if this sounds familiar.
When you met her, everything started off great. She was a beautiful mystery clad in lipstick that you wanted to know everything about. The conversation flowed naturally and effortlessly, and from the beginning, the sex was incredibly passionate.
This is how it’s supposed to feel you thought to yourself.
Before long, you were talking all the time. The good morning texts, the good night Snapchats. All that business.
And then one day, a switch flipped and something changed. The conversations stopped carrying like they used to. She stopped being as warm and bubbly as before. But the sex is still good, and you are still talking. So you assume it’s just a blip on the road. But then, out of nowhere, she tells you that she needs space, or completely ends the relationship.
Predictably you are shocked and hurt – because it felt like everything was going great. You end up stuck in your room like our buddy Stan down below.
Even if this doesn’t describe your situation, I know what I’m about to say next will hit close to home.
Whether or not you realize that it’s over, you aren’t ready to let her go just yet. You feel like what you had was special, and so was she. If she would just give you another chance, you could prove it.
So you reach out – and to your surprise, you have a quick chat with her. Suddenly, you’re hopeful again. Maybe you just need to keep trying. So you reach out to her a 2nd time, and then a 3rd. It feels like you’re putting in more effort than she is, but at least she’s talking right?
And now you’re here.
Sound about right?
If so – here’s the unpleasant truth I promised.
If she was the one who made the decision to end things, she is responding to you to be polite, nothing more.
So let’s circle back to our hypothetical pizza slice for a second. Think about the mix of conflicting emotions you feel when you see your buddy’s eyes locked on the last glorious slice. In a perfect world, you could be a fuck and just grab the last slice with no regard for his feelings.
Something like this…
But sometimes it pays to be polite – if only just to keep the peace.
Your ex-girlfriend having a short conversation with you after you initiated is the polite thing to do.
But a woman who really likes you and is interested in dating you will find an excuse to contact you. It could be as simple as sending a dumb meme, a hello, or even a snap of what she’s up to. Some women will even find an excuse to come over to your place.
A woman who isn’t interested won’t do these things – but she can still be friendly, which throws a lot of guys off. Think about it from her perspective. If you guys share a social network, or she thinks she might see you out at some shared venue it’s better to keep the peace. The last thing she wants is that to be uncomfortable, or for you to turn into a weird serial stalker type.
In other words – she’s just not that into you right now my friend.
If She Won’t Initiate Contact And You Were In A Long-Term Relationship (>3 Months)
Now here’s the crazy thing, and trust me, this is going to blow your mind.
Even if she dumped you, she’s probably hurting right now.
It’s easy to assume that she’s doing great when she’s holding you at a distance, or you’re only getting the highlights of her life from Instagram or Snapchat. But if you understand the neurochemistry of the brain after a breakup, you’ll quickly realize that is not the case. As human beings, we are wired to connect with others, and it’s extremely difficult on everyone when a relationship ends.
No matter what side of the breakup you are on, the loss of a cherished relationship can be devastating. Both dumpers and dumpees experience a range of emotions including:
Is this the case in every situation? No. Some relationships are dead long before they actually end.
In my experience, these situations are the minority.
So don’t assume that your ex-girlfriend not initiating contact means she feels nothing towards you.
So often, it’s exactly the opposite, where she is hurting too and doesn’t want to show it. This could be because she doesn’t want to feel vulnerable around you. It also could be because she is ashamed of her feelings, or too proud to admit she is hurting too.
It’s a confusing time for everyone when a treasured relationship ends. It takes time to adjust, and the emotional connection that you two build is not going to go away over night.
During that adjustment period, it’s normal for there to be cognitive dissonance – where the mind and the heart battle over what to do.
Jerome, a client in my email coaching program had an excellent example of how this usually plays out.
Here’s an excerpt from a recent email of his:
My ex is very hot and cold and I’m always the one who reaches out and it bugs me. When she broke up with me in March, she told me not to contact her. She blocked me for a few days on sc and ig for a week or so, and then unblocked me a week ago. When I saw I was unblocked, I sent her a text message to see how she was feeling. We had a long conversation about how she was unhappy still, and not where she wanted to be.
She also admitted she really missed me, and was hopeful that we could work things out in the future.
When I tried to ask more questions, she shut down and told me “We shouldn’t be talking about this” so I ended the conversation.
Still…she admitted she missed me and loved me. Is this a good sign?
Nothing happened for a week, so I reached out to her again to chat. We talked for an hour and got all emotional again. I asked her for another chance, and she broke down crying. She told me she wasn’t ready yet and she needed more time.
We’ve been going back and forth like this for weeks…she won’t initiate anything but she always responds and we still talk. I know she feels something for me, but she never initiates contact and I don’t understand why. I she I really miss her and feel like she could be a great partner. I just don’t know what to do right now and it is killing me.
So what’s the takeaway here?
Jerome’s ex-girlfriend clearly still had a strong emotional connection to him, and was struggling with her decision to leave. But ultimately, actions speak louder than words do and Jerome was merely delaying the inevitable.
Your ex-girlfriend is just like you. She wants to feel better. She wants to feel confident she made the right decision. She wants to be strong, and be able to move on to bigger and better things.
And chances are, she’s getting the same advice from her friends that I’m giving you because it works. Her friends are telling her (usually in more colorful terms) that she doesn’t need you, doesn’t need to talk to you, and should focus on herself.
But even the best of advice often flies out the window when it comes to the powerful emotions linked with heartbreak, as it did in Jerome’s case.
Suffice to say, you can be reasonably confident that she is not initiating conversation because she needs the time to recover.
So if you’re worried she hates your guts, take a deep breath. You’re going to be okay.
Don’t Initiate Conversations Anymore. Do This Instead.
There’s no secret technique that you can use to make a woman start initiating contact. Trying to control what other people do is a fool’s errand.
You can only control what you do.
So how do I think you should handle this situation?
It’s simple, but it’s not easy.
You walk away. You stop reaching out to her, and start doing what you should have been doing all along: allowing yourself time and space to grieve your loss, before moving on to build a life of long-term, masculine happiness.
If you want her back, you need to give her time to miss you!
I know that’s easy for me to say, because I don’t love your ex-girlfriend in the way that you do. I get that.
So let’s think of this in a different way.
Remember when I asked you if reaching out to her was getting you the results you wanted?
If you answered no, why not try walking away and see what happens?
What’s the worst that can happen if you walk away for a week? Two weeks?
You’d be in the same position you are in now – waiting on her with nothing but hope.
That just doesn’t make sense, does it?
Your girlfriend broke up with you, and eventually, you are going to need to face the music even if you are still hoping for a second chance.
Are you really losing anything if she’s shown no desire to take the initiative? Don’t you deserve a relationship where the lady you love is so head over heels in love with you that she always wants to talk to you?
Think about it. Meditate on it. Focus on yourself.
If you need more help, get my free 7 day email course below or book an email coaching session with me.
Talk soon my friend,