Why Is My Ex-Girlfriend Texting Me When She Has a Boyfriend?


If you’re inclined to think your ex is texting you because she’s interested, you’re right.

A good rule to live by is that people only act in their own self-interest. In other words, she’s texting you because it does something to serve her.

And when you see her name flash across the screen, you’re probably wondering what. You might also be wondering why!

That’s what we’re going to look at today, why she’s texting you, and what you can do with this knowledge.

Chances are, her boyfriend is screwing up.

You can generally tell how your ex is doing in her romantic endeavors by how often she’s texting you. If she’s doing really well, she’s not texting you at all.

But if the prospects aren’t so rosy, you’ll probably see her in your DMs before too long.

This cycle fluctuates. Most men don’t know how to keep women attracted to them in the long term.

The dominance and mystery that they projected in the initial stages of the relationship often fades. This happens over time to almost all men.

Sometimes he’ll be doing really well and you won’t hear from her. But as soon as he starts to slip, your ex girlfriend is going to start looking for backup plans.

Women are shameless about this. If you ever get a chance to listen to a girl and her best friend talk, you’ll hear this subject dropped all the time. High drama women are notorious for back and forth games with exes.

Sometimes these affairs last years. I’ve read many stories and watched it happen to men in my social circle. Women will keep an ex in the picture as a backup plan while they run through multiple men of the hour. When they get bored of the constant inflow of men, they text their ex.

It’s shocking when you watch it happen firsthand, and it happens more often than you think.

Women will never admit it, but they love it. Especially the high drama ones. They are the worst. Having two men on tap feeds them an endless supply of validation.

When she’s in your inbox, her boyfriend is on the downswing. The initial “magic” has likely faded and chances are, something he’s doing is causing her to lose attraction to him.

Most likely he’s being too needy, and not leading in their relationship. By taking the back seat, her attraction to him diminishes. He probably doesn’t even know that his girlfriend is losing attraction towards him.

She expects him to know how she feels, and without him being able to read her, she’ll begin to feel alone. A sudden drop in attraction towards him will follow.

So your ex decides to make sure her exit strategy is well in hand just in case he gets worse. It’s natural to her to make sure she has somewhere to go once she ends it.

Now in her mind, because she’s still taken, it would be wrong to start something with a new guy. Which is why you are perfect. She knows you, and knows you like her. You’re easy and safe, which is what she wants in a backup plan.

Plus, if you’ve been using no-contact to focus on getting better, her attraction to you is going up. It’s the perfect storm, which is why she’s in your inbox.

Don’t get too excited though, for now, she’s just fishing.

She wants you to validate her as a woman

When a woman starts losing attraction to her boyfriend, she’ll seek out other men to give her validation. Again, this is her positioning herself just in case her boyfriend keeps slipping.

At this early stage, she’s not looking to make a move yet.

No, she wants to be reminded that she’s an attractive woman with options.

So she’ll reach out, hoping you’ll tell her (either directly or indirectly) how great she is.

Her quest for validation can take many forms. From just wasting your time, to more extreme cases where she’ll get closer to actually straying from her boyfriend.

Depending on what you want, there’s a couple of ways you can respond.

If you want her back, now’s your time to engage.

If she’s texting you unsolicited while she has a boyfriend, you’ll need to test her gently.

Don’t ask her why she’s texting you. Your job is to banter back and forth, keeping things light and funny. Don’t waste too much time trading messages though, because she’ll waste as much of your time as you let her.

You don’t build attraction over the phone. The phone is used to prime her, and then get her on a date, where you can actually build sexual tension.

Your goal is to get her to agree to a date, ideally at your place. From there, you’ll have a controlled environment to make a move.

If she doesn’t agree to a date, it’s best to back off and end the conversation. Send a few more messages, and then go back to no-contact. You can tell her to get in touch with you later, but don’t otherwise engage.

If you continue to engage for too long after she rejects your date, she will quickly realize that she can set you up to give her attention without her having to do anything else in return.

It’s a great deal for her, but if you want to get her back, you won’t get anywhere. You’ll just waste time and be stuck in the friendzone.

If she contacts you again, repeat the same formula.

If you don’t want her back, or aren’t ready, stay in no-contact.

Don’t feel any pressure to reply to her. After all, she is still your ex. If she’s texting you now, chances are good that she will text you again later even if you don’t respond right now.

The strange thing is, ignoring her initially can drive up your value in her eyes. While this isn’t true for every woman, some women just cannot stand to be ignored and will continue to reach out until you respond.

In her eyes, if she can get someone so elusive to validate her, she must be pretty good.

That said, you should always prioritize your recovery over your ex-girlfriend. If you haven’t reached a point where you feel comfortable making a move, that’s okay.

The same is true if you’re not emotionally on the same page. It takes time to heal from a breakup, and that’s normal. With time and a little bit of hard work, you will get better.

Until then though, continue to stay silent, as you grow into a man who is more ready. As her relationship continues to go south with her boyfriend, she will likely reach out and give you another shot when you’re more ready.

Or, if you don’t want her back, just stay in no-contact indefinitely. Generally, this is the best approach anyway.

Are you sure she’ll text again?

If you’re worried that she won’t reach out to you again, hear me out.

Depending on the length of your relationship, she may reach out to you for YEARS to come. I’ve had an ex from 6 years ago reach out and we ended up going out when I was in her city.

Women reach out to their ex-boyfriends from 10, 20, or even 30 years ago! Do a google search for it, or talk to any man over the age of 40.

Looking at my own data, assuming you had a serious relationship with your ex-girlfriend that lasted 5 years or less, you can expect her to reach out occasionally for double the amount of time you guys dated.

For longer relationships, this rule becomes less precise, especially if you guys dated for a long time while you were both young.

If you were her high school sweetheart and you guys dated for 8 years from 17-25, chances are you will always have a place in her heart and mind and she may reach out to you indefinitely as relationships come and go.

And yes, every single ex I’ve had has reached out to me at some point. You can pretty much count on it. The only women that really “vanish” are girls you date short term (<1 year) without commitment.

Otherwise, you’ll get at least 1 text from her after you guys break up, and chances are, many more. So don’t fret.

Prioritize your recovery, you will get plenty of chances.

Doc Breakup

Hi guys, I'm Jack. I've been helping men like you grow through breakups for over 5 years. I teach an action-based method that helps you recover from your breakup by giving you purpose in life again. There's nothing else like it anywhere, that much I can promise you! When I'm not writing here, I'm either windsurfing, using my #burneraccount to bash Chris Seiter, or spending my time crafting digital marketing strategies for my clients.

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