Why Is My Ex-Girlfriend Texting Me When She Has a Boyfriend?


Are you scratching your head because your ex-girlfriend is still talking to you even though she claims her new boyfriend is everything she could ever want?

I know part of you (even if you won’t admit it out loud) is praying this means she’s about to leave her new boyfriend behind to dash back to you with tears in her eyes. Finally, the moment you have fantasized about: her begging for your forgiveness, and another chance because she made a massive mistake.

“But it’s just a text,” your rational mind says “Don’t get your hopes up! You need to move on!”

And now, here you are. Caught in a battle between your head and your heart. You’ve scoured the internet in a search for answers. Maybe you’ve even asked your buddies or some of your female friends. Yet, you’re still not sure – how could they know, right?

If that sounds like you, then I have good news.

There are only 3 reasons why your ex-girlfriend still wants to talk to you when she has a boyfriend. Even better, all of them are backed by hard science.

Ready? Here they are:

  1. She’s unhappy with her boyfriend;
  2. She wants to be friends;
  3. She misses you;

But wait, there’s more…

Later in this article, I’m going to show you exactly what you need to say to her whether you want to get her back, or get over her for good.

Because quite frankly man, your focus should not be on her. Your focus should be on you! It should be on working through your breakup and moving on with your life instead of chasing after a woman who has a boyfriend.

Now let me open your eyes and set you straight at the same time. Sound like a deal?

Let’s dive in.

The Difference Between Talking & Texting

There is a major difference between her sending you one or two texts over a couple of weeks and you two having full-blown conversations behind her boyfriend’s back.

I work with a lot of men in my email coaching program who will get all worked up about one or two short messages. If she sent you one or two short texts that went nowhere, then what I am about to say does not apply to you.

If she only sent one or two messages and then vanished back into the ether, it’s not worth speculating about what she is thinking. Don’t worry about it – get back to no contact and stay focused on yourself.

Read More: The Complete Guide To The No Contact Rule

For the rest of you…

Reason #1: She’s Unhappy With Her Boyfriend

If she’s is suddenly interested in talking to you when she would not give you the time of day before, there is a good chance she is unhappy with her boyfriend.

Why is this the case? There are 2 reasons:

  1. NRE does NOT last forever;
  2. Having a backup plan is the logical strategy for leaving an unhappy relationship;

The NRE phase (when everything is great and all red flags get overlooked) of most relationships is blissfully short. Multiple studies have shown that this intense, all-consuming dopamine-driven passion lasts at longest, about 18-24 months. Are there exceptions? Yes.[1] But if she is one of them, she’s not going to be having drawn-out conversations with you.

From experience, I can tell you that NRE lasting for 18-24 months is uncommon, especially if she got together with her boyfriend right after you broke up. (Hello rebound). Typically it lasts for a far shorter 3-6 month window.

And when NRE ends, if the relationship has not been built using the 21 essential relationship skills I teach in my Last First Date coaching program, it can start to suffer. When the NRE ends, if the relationship is a rebound, or is not based on a strong foundation, it can flame out quickly. If you have a decent amount of dating experience, it is likely you have experienced this firsthand: the first few months of the relationship are great, but after that, all the red flags start coming out and suddenly you are asking yourself “What am I doing?”

Related: Is She Really As Happy With Her Rebound As She Seems?

Your ex-girlfriend may be having a similar experience with her current boyfriend, which is causing her to ask herself: do I really want to be in this relationship? Was it a mistake?

And when she starts to get to this point, she may look for a backup plan to cushion her fall (that’s you, buddy). A lot of people, both men and women are guilty of doing this. They will stay in an “okay” relationship until they meet someone better, and then once they have the backup option, they jump ship. And yeah, this is backed by science: it’s more or less the cornerstone of the social exchange set of theories. Once you have a backup, leaving an “okay” relationship is a lot easier. [2]

Is this the healthy thing to do? No, of course not. But if she is bouncing between relationships – healthy is not her concern. If she is suddenly talking to you, especially if she is discussing issues in her relationship – it’s because her boyfriend has done a poor job of listening or she is not comfortable opening up to him.

And like I talk about in my article “The 6 Main Reasons Women Leave Their Boyfriends” that is more or less the kiss of death.

You can generally tell how well she is doing with her boyfriend by how often she is texting you. If things are going really well, she probably won’t talk to you much, if at all. But when shit starts to hit the fan, you might see her name pop up.

This cycle fluctuates. Most men don’t know how to keep women attracted to them in the long term – maintaining a healthy, happy relationship is difficult enough with two committed partners. When one has her foot out the door, it’s even harder.

Why Is She Unhappy With Him?

Most likely he’s being too needy, and not leading in their relationship. By taking the back seat, her attraction to him diminishes. He probably doesn’t even know that his girlfriend is losing attraction towards him.

She expects him to know how she feels, and without him being able to read her, she’ll begin to feel alone. A sudden drop in attraction towards him will follow.

Now in her mind, because she’s still taken, it would be wrong to start something with a new guy. Which is why you are perfect. She knows you, and knows you like her. You’re easy and safe, which is what she wants in a backup plan.

Plus, if you’ve been using no-contact to focus on getting better, her attraction to you is going up. It’s the perfect storm, which is why she’s in your inbox.

Don’t get too excited though, for now, she’s just fishing. She just wants to know you are there, in case she decides to leave. Because if things improve, she can just stop talking to you and focus back on her boyfriend. But if she leaves, that option is not there.

Reason #2: She Wants To Be Friends

There are a lot of amazing women out there who make wonderful friends – but for one reason or another, the romantic relationship just will not work.

If you and your ex-girlfriend were friends before you started dating, there is a good chance she will want to be friends with you after the breakup too. This is especially common if you have a long shared history, or have mutual friends. [3]

There’s a good chance she will want to retain your friendship even if she has a new boyfriend, with nothing but platonic intent.

If this is the case for you, what should you do?

Read the article linked below for more details.

Related: She Dumped Me But Wants To Be Friends (What Now?)

The short of it is: you should not agree to be friends with her until you have completely moved on from the breakup. As I have talked about numerous times, the more contact you have with her, the longer it is going to take you to move on.

In just a second, I will show you how you can respectfully ask for space if you think she wants to be friends so you can preserve the relationship if you truly want nothing but friendship.

Reason #3: She Misses You

Yes, she misses you. If she is still talking to you, she misses you in some capacity. Does that mean she wants to get back together with you?

Not always. She may miss you even if things are going well with her boyfriend.

I’ve talked about this before – it’s an important concept to understand. She can miss you, but not want to get back together with you. Read the article below to learn more, as it explains this in great detail.

Read More: Yes, She Will Miss You. It May Not Matter

When she misses you, she may check in on you to make sure you are okay. Women tend to be more empathetic than men, so she knows you are hurting. Her talking to you still may be a way of assuaging any guilt or regret she feels as a result of dumping you, or otherwise ending your relationship.

We talk a lot more about this topic including the chemical basis for why it’s virtually inevitable that she will miss you at some point, even if she dumped you, in my upcoming book Lovestuck.

Stay tuned for the release announcement next week, as well as all the other cool shit that is coming with it. (P.S you may want to join my email list to get first access to the bonuses!)

One Simple Test To Figure Out Where Her Head Is At

At the beginning of this article, I promised I would give you one simple test to see which of the above 3 reasons are behind her still talking to you.

This test only works if she is reaching out to talk. If she is reaching out for a legitimate, breakup logistics-related reason, don’t use it. Robotically handle her request and then get back to no-contact.

Assuming you still want her back, the next time she tries to talk with you, have a quick chat and then end the conversation with the following:

“Hey, I really appreciate you reaching out and it has been great to talk to you. But right now, I am not interested in being friends. I love you and want to be with you. If you change your mind, let me know. Otherwise please do not contact me again”

This message is so effective because it does 3 things correctly:

  • By establishing a healthy boundary, it shows that you respect yourself;
  • It forces her off the fence – she has to make a decision or lose you forever;
  • If she contacts you again, you know why and can take appropriate action;

On the other hand, if you were friends with her before the breakup and want to be friends with her once you feel better (but not get back together with her romantically), here is what you should say:

Hey, I really appreciate you reaching out. You are a great friend, but right now I am still grieving the end of our relationship. I need some time to find my way again. I will contact you when I feel better. Until then, it would mean a lot to me if you would give me some space.

Once you have sent the message in either case, your job is to immediately go back to no contact. If she contacts you again, you know why (and what to do).

If She Contacts You Again

If she contacts you again, you have to assume she is interested in getting back together with her.

Your job is to banter back and forth, keeping things light and funny. Don’t waste too much time trading messages though, because she’ll waste as much of your time as you let her.

You don’t build attraction over the phone – so please for the love of god: don’t spend all day talking to her. That is not what a high-value man does. The phone is used to help us connect in person, not connect over the phone. You want to get her on a date, where you can actually build a real connection. If she agrees to a date, read the article below.

Read More: Your Ex Agreed To Meet Up. What Now?

If she doesn’t agree to a date, it’s best to back off and end the conversation. Send a few more messages, and then go back to no-contact.

If you continue to engage for too long after she rejects your date, she will quickly realize that she can set you up to give her attention without her having to do anything else in return. And you don’t want that.

Related: Does She Want Your Attention? Make Her Earn It!

It’s a great deal for her, but if you want to get her back, you won’t get anywhere. You’ll just waste time and be stuck in the friendzone.

If she contacts you again, repeat the same formula.

If You Never Hear From Her Again

There you go man, you have your answer: she’s just not that into you. Maybe she patched things up with her boyfriend or decided to keep her feelings (wisely) to herself, instead of dumping them on you and damaging your recovery.

If you are afraid of never hearing from her again (and trust me, I know you are), then let me ask you this: Why are you afraid of losing someone who isn’t doing anything for you? Why are you afraid of losing a woman who has already shown you through her actions that you are not enough?

Don’t you want to date a woman that loves the shit out of you?

I sure do.

And guess what? There are tons of women out there looking for a guy like you. I can tell you this from both my professional and personal experience.

If you logically know that, but still need help attracting the right type of woman, let’s talk.

No Matter What You Want, There Is NO Pressure To Respond To Her

Don’t feel any pressure to reply to her. After all, she is still your ex. If she’s texting you now, chances are good that she will text you again later even if you don’t respond right now.

The strange thing is, ignoring her initially can drive up your value in her eyes. While this isn’t true for every woman, some women just cannot stand to be ignored and will continue to reach out until you respond.

In her eyes, if she can get someone so elusive to validate her, she must be pretty good.

That said, you should always prioritize your recovery over your ex-girlfriend. If you haven’t reached a point where you feel comfortable making a move, that’s okay.

The same is true if you’re not emotionally on the same page. It takes time to heal from a breakup, and that’s normal. With time and a little bit of hard work, you will get better.

Until then though, continue to stay silent, as you grow into a man who is more ready. As her relationship continues to go south with her boyfriend, she will likely reach out and give you another shot when you’re more ready.

Or, if you don’t want her back, just stay in no-contact indefinitely. Generally, this is the best approach anyway.

Chances Are, You Will Hear From Her Again

If you’re worried that she won’t reach out to you again, hear me out.

Depending on the length of your relationship, she may reach out to you for YEARS to come. I’ve had an ex from 6 years ago reach out and we ended up going out when I was in her city.

Women reach out to their ex-boyfriends from 10, 20, or even 30 years ago! Do a google search for it, or talk to any man over the age of 40.

Looking at my own data, assuming you had a serious relationship with your ex-girlfriend that lasted 5 years or less, you can expect her to reach out occasionally for double the amount of time you guys dated.

For longer relationships, this rule becomes less precise, especially if you guys dated for a long time while you were both young.

If you were her high school sweetheart and you guys dated for 8 years from 17-25, chances are you will always have a place in her heart and mind and she may reach out to you indefinitely as relationships come and go.

And yes, every single ex I’ve had has reached out to me at some point. You can pretty much count on it. The only women that really “vanish” are girls you date short term (<1 year) without commitment.

Otherwise, you’ll get at least 1 text from her after you guys break up, and chances are, many more. So don’t fret.

Prioritize your recovery, you will get plenty of chances.

Talk soon my friend,

Coach Jack

References:

[1] – Acevedo, B. P., & Aron, A. (2009). Does a long-term relationship kill Romantic love? American Psychological Association. Retrieved March 20, 2022, from https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/gpr13159.pdf

[2] – Imhoff, R., & Banse, R. (2008, November 8). Implicit and explicit attitudes … – wiley online library. Wiley Online Library. Retrieved March 20, 2022, from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01308.x

[3] – Griffith, Rebecca L, and Omri Gillath. Staying Friends with Ex-Romantic … – Wiley Online Library. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/pere.12197.

Coach Jack

I'm Coach Jack, the owner and founder of Men's Breakup. I help over 1 million men a year radically transform their lives for the better after being dumped. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand experience, and critical analysis to show you how to either get her back, or get over her by building a life of long-term, masculine happiness.

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