One of the biggest mistakes I see you guys making when it comes to dating, or trying to get an ex back is how you use the phone.
To put it simply: you’re texting/calling her too much and trying to chit chat, instead of using the phone to get her on a date.
Or even worse, you’re trying to build attraction through texting.
If she reaches out to you, don’t make a big fucking mistake and try to go back and forth.
Even if someone has told you it’ll help you get her back.
It won’t, and you’re going to waste your time.
I’ll tell you more in a little bit about why you shouldn’t, but we need to go over a few things first.
Now, texting used to get me in trouble all the time.
I’d get a text from my ex and immediately follow that up with 4-5 needy texts.
It didn’t go well.
It got to a point once where one of my ex’s friends picked up her phone and told me I needed to stop.
Of course, I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong.
She reached out to me, I figured. I thought I had to talk everything out then, and there.
But I was wrong, and even when I knew better, I kept screwing up because I hadn’t realized that my exes didn’t deserve special treatment.
And if you’re reading this post, your ex-girlfriend’s texts are going to get you in hot water if you don’t have a game plan in mind.
So don’t do it.
Texting is a waste of time, and won’t help you re-attract your ex at best, or will turn her off at worst.
Before we go on, you need to get some background on why she’s texting you. I highly suggest reading about why she’s reaching out to you before you continue.
It’ll help you make sense of a lot of what I’m about to show you.
With that said, let’s be very clear about one thing.
Texting is NOT going to help you get her back
There are whole websites dedicated to helping you use texting to get your ex-girlfriend back.
Complicated progressions on what to send, when to send it, and what phase the moon needs to be.
When you finish sending your 6 carefully timed texts with just the right amount of humor, you’ll get to witness something special.
A lukewarm response, or even more likely, no response at all.
$49 dollars well spent, eh?
Because you don’t build attraction over the phone. To build attraction, you need to build trust first.
And talking over the phone is nothing more than empty promises that won’t get you anywhere.
The only thing chit-chatting builds is your path to the friendzone.
Spending an excessive amount of time on the phone tells her:
- You don’t have anything better going on
- She has the dominant frame
- You’re not confident enough to just ask her out
- She can use you for attention without having to do anything
- She can keep you as a second option while looking for someone else.
These all tell her that you aren’t calm, collected, and confident.
This destroys her confidence in you, which she needs to be able to relax and trust you again.
Trust is built on seeing her in person, and getting her used to a cycle where you tell her something is going to happen, and then it happens.
But don’t get it twisted, she still needs to earn her way back into your life, especially if she dumped you.
If she dumped you, she’s starting from square 1 with you. As far as you’re concerned, she’s just like any other girl.
This is where I see you guys blow it all the time. You should never be trying to earn her attention, especially if she dumped you.
She needs to make the decision that she wants to give you another chance.
And she needs to do that without you. You need to give her the space to make that decision.
Nothing you say can make her want to give you a second chance.
What she will respond to, is action.
You need to communicate that she needs to earn your time. Part of that will come across when you go no-contact unless she reaches out to you.
You also need to practice outcome independence so you can remain nonchalant and not waste time when she does reach out to you.
Because at the end of the day…
You Can’t Force Things With Her. Let Her Come To You.
Getting your ex-girlfriend back is a delicate dance that takes time, as I’ve already mentioned.
To get her back, she needs to trust you again.
You’re not going to accomplish that by making her laugh, or by sending her
That’s the problem with “texting strategies”.
They only help treat one of the symptoms, not fix the problem.
And in trying to treat the problem, they actually make it worse.
I’ve not seen a single texting strategy focused on anything other than getting her next response, which is foolish because…
The more you contact her, the less she’ll value you.
The less she values you, the less attracted she’ll be to you.
Drop her attraction level too far and she’ll stop responding to you.
Think about it.
It’s like economics. The harder something is to get, the more you’ll value it.
Which is why you’d pay a much higher price for Superbowl tickets than you would for a Dolphins-Redskins matchup.
On the other hand, if you back off, you’ll get results like the exchange below, where your woman will come clean and admit that she prefers it when you’re disinterested.
Once you apply this principle correctly, you’ll notice that your ex-girlfriend may start reaching out to you more.
You might be thrilled when she starts contacting you.
But, if you’re not acting with a plan in mind…
Texting Leads To Over-Analyzing
Remember how I said I struggled with texting?
You might think it was because I didn’t have the right script or the outcome independence needed to say the right thing at the right time.
And partially, you’d be right.
But the elephant in the room wasn’t what I said.
It was what I thought.
Specifically, why I thought she was texting me in the first place.
See, I thought that her texting me meant that she wanted to get back together.
So of course, what did I do?
I started pushing her to get back together before she was ready, which directly violates the advice I just gave you above.
The problem with texting after a breakup is that you’re still extremely emotional, even if you won’t admit it to yourself.
As a man, your greatest strength is your logical brain.
And I’ll be damned if you’re actually using it right after you broke up, when the girl you were attached to for however long starts texting you.
Your brain is going to jump to conclusions.
So that’s why I’m here to lay out the truth that will save your ass.
Every text she sends you could mean something different, and obsessing over what they do mean isn’t worth doing.
I want you to ignore whatever you think she means.
To you, her texts should only mean only one thing.
She’s thinking about you and wants to see you.
Now it’s up to you to avoid the rest of the bullshit and make it happen.
But only if the time is right for you, as I’ll get to in a minute.
Use The Phone To Schedule Dates. Talk In Person.
You want to know what women fantasize about, besides badly written erotica?
Men who take charge and confidently lead their interactions.
If you were weak during your relationship, one of the best ways to show your ex-girlfriend that you’ve changed is setting a date with a defined time and place.
To her, this will say more than any text you could ever hope to type.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Considering you now know trust and attraction can only be built in person, your job when she reaches out to you is to set a date, with minimal unrelated conversation.
The key here, is you need to make sure the date isn’t accommodating her. You need to show her that she’s playing by your rules now.
The best way to do that is to invite her to come to your place to make dinner together or do something else together.
Give her an exact time to be at your place, but keep it light.
You also need to emphasize the together part. She needs to be actively participating in whatever it is you decide to do.
If you’re a drinker, tell her to pick up a bottle of your favorite stuff. By doing so, you’re increasing her investment in what you’re doing.
It’s also a great social lubricant, especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while.
What you do once she’s at your place is beyond the scope of what we’re talking about today.
The good news is, I’ve already covered exactly what you need to do when she agrees to a date here.
Once you pitch the date, you wait.
If she agrees, great. Tell her you look forward to seeing her at the date and time you scheduled, and get off the phone.
If she doesn’t agree, great. Don’t try to persuade her. Say something neutral and non-needy along the lines of “great to catch up, I’ve gotta go”.
Afterwards, pat yourself on the back for trying, and resume no-contact.
When she reaches out again, repeat the above process.
Normally, I only give two chances. If she rejects your date offer two times in a row, she’s just trying to waste your time.
Don’t let her do that. Have some respect for yourself.
At that point, it’ll be up to her to pitch the idea of a date. Anything other than that, feel free to ignore.
If you follow this formula 100% of the time, I guarantee you won’t waste time with endless back and forth conversations you don’t need to have.
Better yet, you’ll stand a much better chance of actually getting back together with her if you follow this simple method instead of those fucking text guides.
Now that you know this essential strategy, let’s cover some other frequently asked questions about texting and your ex-girlfriend.
My Ex-Girlfriend Texts Me Then Stops. What Am I Doing Wrong?
You’re texting her too much and making yourself too available. She’s not doing anything to earn your attention, which is diminishing your value in her eyes and causing her to text you and then stop when she’s bored.
You need to stop texting her. Nut up and go no-contact until she reaches out.
Then use the method I’ve described here, once you’re ready.
Okay, So My Ex-Girlfriend Texts Me During No Contact. What Then?
You have to decide if you’re ready to break no-contact. You’re ready when you can treat her like any other girl you’ve just met. You need to be able to shrug if she walks away and not be bothered any more than if a stranger rejected you.
In my opinion, getting to this point takes three things: time, perspective, and new women in your life.
Once you get to the point where you’re confident in these three things, you can break no contact if she texts you.
I repeat: if she texts YOU. Not the other way around.
Under no circumstances should you reach out to her for any reason while you’re on no-contact.
She needs to know that if she wants you in her life, she has to reach out to you.
But What If My Ex-Girlfriend Keeps Texting Me?
If she reaches out, you need to assume she’s interested in going on a date. Ask her out to your place. If she refuses the date but keeps texting you, she’s trying to friendzone you.
Be firm with her and end the conversation if this is the case. Wait at least a week before you reply to her, where you’ll again pitch the date.
You don’t want to end up in the friendzone.
Younger women especially are used to chatting on text day in and day out. If you did it during your relationship, she’s a lot more likely to still try it after you break up.
Whatever you do though, don’t be her texting buddy.
As far as you’re concerned, if she’s not agreeing to dates, she’s not worth your time, no matter how you feel about her.
Can I Flirt With My Ex Girlfriend Through Text?
While you might think that’s what she wants, save the flirting for in person.
Flirting over text violates the principle of letting her earn your attention.
She needs to work to get that from you. Plus, even though she might appreciate the flirting in the moment, it can cause her to get cold feet.
Better to be direct and polite as opposed to warm and flirtatious with texting.
Again, your only job with texting is to get her to your place.
My Ex Girlfriend Stopped Texting Me Altogether. What Now?
Good. You probably were a weak and needy, and she finally got fed up with you and found someone that is closer to what she wants (at least for the moment).
Indifference makes the difference with women. Learn it and love it.
That aside, sometimes your ex-girlfriend will stop texting you for weeks, months, even years.
There’s no need to panic.
Avoid social media, and date other women. It may be another 6 months before you hear from her again, especially if you screwed up royally.
My Ex-Girlfriend Texts Me But Has A Boyfriend. What Gives?
It’s one of two things. Either you got yourself into the friendzone, or she’s lining up her options because she’s preparing to leave him.
Either way, stick to the script. Invite her on a date at your place. If she refuses (which is most likely what’ll happen) you’ll know she’s just trying to waste your time.
I wrote a more in-depth look at her behavior while she’s with another guy here.
As a side note, it’s not your job to have morales in this case. If you sleep with her while she’s seeing someone else, that’s her problem, not yours.
Can I Wish My Ex-Girlfriend A Happy Birthday?
Quit using holidays/birthdays/special events as an excuse to reach out.
Have some pride man.
Either she reaches out to you or she never hears from you again.
Let’s keep this short gentleman.
Your job after a breakup is to stay in no-contact until she reaches out.
When she does reach out, ignore the content of what she says, and instead focus on setting a date.
If she says yes, enjoy your date (and hopefully rocking her brains out).
If she says no, go back to no contact and don’t let her waste your time.
Don’t make up excuses to text her, and don’t worry if she’s not texting you all the time.
Give her the time and the space to choose you.
If you do, and you use this strategy correctly, you stand a much better chance of getting her back.