I see this one a lot. Guy and girl break up. Lots of emotionally charged sparks fly between the two lovelorn parties.
Some tears are shed on both sides. As he prepares to leave, his ex-girlfriend tells him that some day she’ll want to get back together. Of course he’ll take this to heart, and keep his eye out for the future.
A couple of months later, he’ll eagerly ask if they can get back together. In his mind, enough time has passed.
“Not yet” she might say.
Of course, this will make no sense to him.
Sometimes I think all women secretly aspire to be Nostradamus, with all this seeing the future shit.
But hey, I digress.
For my part, I’ve had several ex-girlfriends tell me that they want to be together in the future. They were telling the truth too.
“But wait, you said ex-girlfriends. That means you never got back together! They must have been lying!” you say.
But here’s the thing: women are generally very honest about how they are feeling in that moment. My exes are no exception. At that moment, they did genuinely want to get back together with me.
So, if your ex-girlfriend is telling you she wants to get back together with you in the future, at that moment she feels she means it. It’s her reality at that moment.
The key word here is FEELS.
However, in a moment she’s going to be feeling totally different, and what she said before might no longer be true even an hour later.
Yeah, I get it. To us men, that’s pretty confusing. How can she say something and then change her mind so quickly?
I was sure as shit confused when it began to occur to me why women do this.
Your ex thinks in terms of her feelings – and her feelings will change.
When she’s telling you that she can see a future for the two of you together, she’s using her emotional assessment of the present to make a judgement of the future.
Think about it like her trying to see some distant point on the horizon with improperly focused binoculars. She’s going to be able to see the outlines of what’s there, but she won’t know what it actually looks like until she gets closer.
If you ask her what’s on the horizon, she’ll tell you what she saw. But, without it being in focus, what you actually find could be dramatically different than what she saw.
Now, she wasn’t lying to you. It’s just that her perception of what she saw at that moment was warped by the bad focusing.
Her emotional decision making process is extremely similar. She might be able to see what she wants on the horizon, but what she’s looking at will change over time as she gets closer.
The change over time is due to her changing emotional state. At the moment she’s telling you she wants to be together in the future, her emotions have her convinced that is the truth.
But, her emotions are going to change.
They’re going to change a lot.
What does this mean for you?
Science has shown that women continuously rate higher in neuroticism than men, which indicates that their emotional baseline is more fluid than ours.
In other words, her emotions can and will change rapidly. What this means for you is that her feelings towards you can shift as well.
She’s always judging you based on how she feels in that present moment. The sum of her positive and negative feelings towards you is how attracted she is to you.
However, her emotions can change based on external factors that you have no control over. Whether that’s her social circle, a new guy, or just her menstrual cycle, the timing is everything with what she says.
That’s why you shouldn’t expect what she said 2 months ago to still be true today.
As an aside, you can use this to your advantage if you want her back. We’ll talk more about that a little bit later.
Just to be clear, she’s not doing this to get back at you. It’s just how she sees the world. Everything is colored by the positive and negative emotions that run her life.
She makes her decisions based on this emotional matrix.
This is why it’s important to not get too hung up on what she says. Don’t waste years of your life waiting for a girl just because she tells you that you have a future.
Chances are she’ll feel differently not too long after.
Watch out for her stringing you along
Now here’s where her innocent behavior can start to get dangerous.
Sometimes a more malicious woman will use the promise of potentially getting back together in the future to keep you as an orbiter while she looks for other options.
When I was younger, I ended up wasting about 6 months caught in a holding pattern with a woman who did this. We’d go out on dates, and have sex like we used to.
She’d tell me that she saw a future for us and that we’d get back together “when it felt right”. Of course, she provided no further clarification about what “right” actually was.
Which is of course, a major red flag.
Whenever I would eagerly ask her if we could get back together she just would tell me “I’m still healing, I just need more time”.
Again, she never told me how much time.
Of course, this made no sense to me because things seemed great. What else could she be waiting for? I thought I was passing all of her tests. Of course, I was going about the entire process incorrectly, but I didn’t know that at the time.
Eventually, she began canceling dates and I stopped hearing from her. It turned out that she had found someone else, and to this day they are still together.
What she had been doing, I later realized, was using me as her placeholder boyfriend until she found someone better. Now obviously I did everything wrong, but I know that it would have happened anyway even if I had done everything right.
In effect, I prolonged the pain of my breakup for her convenience. She got to move on to the next guy without having to be alone, while I got stuck with the pain.
I would have been better off just making a clean break. So will you.
Don’t torture yourself by asking: what if?
Even though she isn’t lying to you, and probably she doesn’t have malicious intent, it’s still best for you to start making moves with only yourself in mind.
I know it’s tempting to want to wait for her, and play the what if you two get back together game.
Here’s the thing though. Chances are while you’re waiting, she’ll either be playing the field or her emotional state will change.
All you’ll be doing is delaying the grieving process and prolonging your pain.
Handcuffing yourself to her is just going to prevent your from finding the life and love that you deserve at this moment, not at some point in the future.
There’s no you and her anymore. There’s just you. Make sure you’ve got your own back, not hers.
If you genuinely want her back, you have to let her go first.
As I mentioned earlier, her changing emotional state means that the way she feels about you right now isn’t set in stone.
You can change it for the better.
You just have to remember that what she said about the future really doesn’t mean anything.
However, how you react to it will impact the chance you two have of getting back together.
Let me explain.
Just the premise that you two might get back together is going to make you more needy. It’ll make it that much more tempting to reach out, just to “check” on her, when you should actually be in no-contact.
It’ll make you more willing to kiss her ass, much like I did. It will also give her leverage over you.
All of these things say to her that you don’t have options, and that you’re not a high valued man who she’ll lose if she doesn’t act soon.
She’ll know she has you, and she’ll know that whatever happens in the relationship will be on her schedule. To women, that’s boring. Her changing emotional state will rank you lower and lower over time.
However, you can change her emotional view of you.
She wants you to be mysterious, unpredictable, and desired by other women, even though she won’t admit it. You can certainly become this to her again after a breakup, but not if you’re clinging on to the hope that you two will get back together.
You need to be willing to lose her in order to get her back.
If she tries to string you along, go no-contact and grieve the loss of your relationship. That way, when she reaches out again you won’t have the stress of losing her.
She’ll have the stress of losing you.