Is her current boyfriend really just a rebound?
Or is your ex-girlfriend already starting a “real relationship”?
The truth might surprise you.
Recently, I’ve had a number of you in my email coaching program tell me something along the lines of “Wow, my ex seems so happy with her rebound. How the hell did she move on so quickly?”
Some of you are having a really difficult time with this…
Maybe it’s because she’s going crazy posting about the new guy on social media.
Or maybe she’s doing the exact same thing in front of your mutual friends, who are obligated to pass along the good news.
Both hurt in the same way – especially to think you are so easily replaced by someone who claimed to love you. There’s nothing worse than comparing yourself to the other guy and asking yourself “what does he have that I don’t?”.
Hell, from your perspective, he might even appear to be a downgrade compared to you!
So if you’re struggling to wrap your head around the concept that a rebound relationship is making your ex happy, I have some good news for you. While there’s nothing you can do to magically make her leave her ex, there is a silver lining to her being in this “rebound” relationship that you probably don’t realize.
Even better, you can channel the feelings of jealousy, anger, and sadness into the fuel you need to fast forward on the self-improvement process you need to either get your ex back or get over her for good.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
First things first, we need to talk about the most important principle I teach here. Understanding it will be critical to what I’m going to ask you to do in just a minute.
Be Careful When You Start Thinking “My Ex Seems So Happy With Her Rebound”
You must focus on yourself and creating the new you, because you are the only person who is going to.
Read More: Wake Up, No One Is Coming To Save You
Focusing on yourself means cutting your ex out of your life, to the point where you have no idea who she has started talking to or started dating.
It’s simple to do, but emotionally very difficult. I get that.
But focusing on yourself to the exclusion of all is the key to getting her back, or getting over her. You need the time apart from her to start asking the hard questions.
The time apart is critical so you can build a life for yourself that you are truly happy living – with or without her. It’s especially important if you want her back. She needs to see you as a guy who is perfectly happy in his new life without her.
Read More: Outcome Independence In Dating: Be Different With Indifference
Now I’m sure you’re thinking something along the lines of “That’s great Coach, but what the fuck does that have to do with her being happy in a rebound relationship?”
If You Think Her Rebound Is Making Her Happy, You Know Too Much About Her Life
If you know enough about her life to come to the conclusion that she’s happy with her rebound relationship, you are doing something wrong. You’re still connected to her in some way, and you haven’t ripped off the bandaid and cut contact with her completely.
And I get it – it’s hard to be emotionally strong and cut contact with a good woman, especially if she was your longest relationship, with deep and intense feelings of actual love (and not just infatuation).
Assuming you follow what I teach, you should know next to nothing about what she is up to, even if that’s not easy.
Read More: The Definitive Guide To The No-Contact Rule
If you are still paying attention to what she’s doing with the other guy (or other guys) that she’s dating – you’re doing at least 1 of 3 things you need to stop doing right this second.
- You still talk, or interact with her through friends;
- You keep up to date with her social media presence;
- You are still friends with her;
Read More: Why You Shouldn’t Follow Her On Instagram
While you might think the reason you are hurting right now is that she’s in a rebound relationship, that’s only part of the story. It’s the symptom, not the problem.
Here at Men’s Breakup, I’m a big believer in treating the problem, not the symptom.
The problem here is simple: you haven’t cut her off and started focusing on yourself.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but unless you enjoy my material as light reading during your afternoon tea time, you probably aren’t as happy as you should be, are you?
So before you rush to assume that you’re feeling shitty because your ex is with someone else – take some time to ask yourself: what are you doing with your own life?
Are you making any of the mistakes I’ve mentioned above?
Because if you are, you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
There’s no sense in killing yourself by watching every move she makes with her new relationship, because the popular idea that rebound relationships are automatically unhappy and destined to end is wrong.
The Truth: Rebound Relationships Can Be Happy, But There Is A Cost Involved
If you search rebound relationships on the good ol’ internet, almost every corner of it is covered in the same message. Rebound relationships are bad, you shouldn’t do them, and you’re a bad person if you get into one. Your hurt feelings need time to heal.
You probably want to believe this advice because it gives you a rare chance to get a leg up on her she starts dating someone new. You’re doing the healthy thing – because you’re the mature one who is happy in his new life. You can handle being alone. She needs someone else the moment your relationship ends.
But I don’t think the truth is that cut and dried. For one thing, the assumption that rebounds are somehow bad and unhealthy doesn’t have any evidence behind it that I’m aware of.
There is a limited (but growing) body of research that suggests that men and women both benefit from getting into a new relationship right after a breakup.
A 2014 study found that those who dive into new relationships tend to get over their ex lover more quickly, and feel more confident in their desirability.
The same study also found that the less time there is between the break-up and the new relationship, can predict greater happiness, higher self-esteem, and more admiration for the new partner.
However – there is a cost involved. The sooner she starts dating someone, the more likely she is to compare your relationship to her current boyfriend. If you had a good relationship with lots of happy moments, this could actually work in your favor if you want to get your ex back.
More on that in a minute.
My point here isn’t that she’s happy at the moment – because you and I have no way of knowing how she’s feeling. The only person who knows how your ex is feeling is her.
So please, for the love of god (and yourself) – stop making assumptions. You aren’t in a relationship anymore. You might think the new relationship is making your ex happy. You might be right. But you might be wrong.
Either way – all you get from this mental masturbation is that uneasy feeling that somehow you aren’t good enough – and that you are the ex boyfriend because her new relationship is somehow better.
So do me a favor. Take a deep breath and repeat after me.
- I have no idea if she’s happy or not.
- This new relationship isn’t going to magically end in two weeks.
- Focusing on her is only going to make me unhappy, I need to focus on myself instead.
Read More: 8 Ways To Work On Yourself During No Contact That You Can Start Today
Research Aside: She Probably Isn’t As Happy As She Claims To Be
I’m not here to shit on your ex’s happiness. She deserves to be happy too, just like you do. And initially, most rebound relationships are happy.
When you first get into a new relationship, everything feels awesome. In some cases, you can experience what I call new relationship energy, which can last for about a year under the right circumstances.
New relationship energy typically comes from an intense chemical and social fixation on your new relationship. Think back to how you felt when your ex was your new girlfriend. Remember how intense the feelings were, and how happy and joyous you felt? Do you remember how she couldn’t get enough of you, and you couldn’t get enough of her?
That intoxicating situation is probably what she is experiencing in her new relationship.
Human beings all experience new relationship energy differently – but it could be behind why she’s flooding social media with pictures of the new guy. It could also explain why she claims she’s “so in love / so happy” with her new relationship – even if it ended only weeks after yours.
It’s impossible to know how much of this is true, or how much of this is her trying to get revenge on you and rub the new person in your face.
Again, this is why it’s so important to disconnect from her.
But if you are struggling with that, here’s a thought that might help you.
When you’re really and truly happy, do you feel the need to shout at everyone who will listen about how happy you are?
Probably not, right?
When you’re earnestly happy, you don’t need to shove it down everyone else’s throat just so they can appreciate how happy you are, goddammit.
So is your ex-girlfriend really happy with her new rebound relationship? It’s certainly possible. I’ve spoken to my fair share of women over the years who have reported being extremely relieved after getting out of a terrible relationship.
On the other hand, I’ve also spoken to plenty of women who made the hard choice to end things yet they still felt terrible afterward.
Studies have shown that a breakup can be upsetting even if she was the one who did the dumping.
So unless your relationship with her was short or terrible, at least on some level, she’s likely going to be upset. But that’s not necessarily something that she will say outwardly.
Read More: Here’s Why Your Ex Girlfriend Moved On So Fast
Think about it from her perspective. She has every intention to tell you and tell the world that she’s as carefree and happy as can be. Does anyone really want to admit they are in a relationship that doesn’t make them happy?
Because of this, it’s important that you…
Don’t Torture Yourself With Questions Like “Will My Ex Girlfriend Come Back After Her Rebound?”
When you ask yourself questions like “Will she come back after her rebound?” you put yourself in this weird place where you’re waiting on her – and probably passively consuming updates from her life.
The baked-in assumption with the term “rebound relationship” is that it will end at some point. Perhaps you hope this will be the case with your ex-girlfriend, because you still want to get her back.
What I’ve noticed over the years is that men who ask questions like this tend to get stuck.
I understand where you are coming from. Perhaps part of you hopes that the new guy won’t compare to you and she’ll come running back into your arms when he inevitably screws something up.
And I’ll be honest with you – this does happen when you play your cards right.
I don’t want to get your hopes up too high, though.
Because for every case it happens in, there are another five cases where it doesn’t.
And you know me, I like the play the odds. I’m a betting man after all – and numbers don’t lie as people do.
That’s why it’s not worth your time to ponder if she’s going to come back or not after her rebound. The odds aren’t in your favor. The best thing you can do is to focus on what you can control.
Spend time clarifying your masculine center, and start noticing the things that make you happy apart from her. Start focusing on building your own life and start dating other women. That way if she does come back, you are in a good position to get her back – as you will have other things going on.
Remember: you have no idea what she is feeling. So why assume and make yourself even worse? Don’t you deserve better?
Is It A Rebound Relationship, Or A New Relationship?
I really don’t like the term rebound relationship. There’s no agreed upon definition of what a rebound relationship is.
When people use the term rebound relationship they use it to refer to starting a new relationship immediately after the previous relationship has ended.
But what is considered immediately?
Is it 3 months? 6 months? A year?
Plus, is time even the most important factor?
Some people take years to get over a previous relationship.
Is it a rebound if you get together with someone before you’re over your ex?
My point is – don’t get tripped up in the definitions. Trying to specifically define what her new relationship is is an exercise in futility. As I mentioned before – the term rebound relationship implies that it’s going to end quickly.
And I know you. You’re hoping it’s going to end soon because you are interested in getting your ex back.
So do yourself a favor and make the mindset shift: it’s not your ex’s rebound relationship, it’s her new relationship.
Assume that her new relationship is going to last forever. Assume that you aren’t going to be getting your ex back.
That’s the silver lining here. If you assume that she’s not coming back, it becomes very clear what you need to do, right?
You need to move on, and you start doing that by learning to accept what you are feeling.
In case you need a little help…
Here’s What To Do If Your Ex Is In A Rebound Relationship
The worst part of your ex’s rebound relationship is undoubtedly the negative emotions that you feel as a result. I’ve heard it described as an uneasy feeling that you just can’t shake.
You feel hurt.
You feel unhappy.
You feel worthless.
You feel jealous.
Hell, I’ve even worked with a few guys who have developed severe anxiety from thinking about their ex sleeping with someone else.
What you are experiencing is normal, and your feelings are valid. There’s no way you are supposed to feel.
I’ve written an entire article about how you can cope with the jealousy, self-doubt, and other fund issues that can come from discovering your ex is in a rebound relationship. You can read it by clicking the link below.
Read More: How To Stop Worrying About Your Ex-Girlfriend’s Rebound Relationship
How Can You Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back From A Rebound Relationship?
The secret to getting your ex-girlfriend back from a rebound relationship is to leave the door open for her to come back if she leaves. After that, you stop paying attention to what she’s doing, and focus on making yourself into the better option.
Think about it. If you assume that the new relationship makes your ex happy and she has moved on, you will also have to move on. You have your whole life in front of you – don’t waste it. Start dating other women and let go of the emotional unavailability that comes with waiting for her to come back.
When you move on – you stop paying attention to what she’s doing and you can become the type of guy who is happy in his new life. As I mentioned earlier – this is the point you need to get to be the most attractive version of you for your ex.
So how do you do that? I have dozens of articles on what you need to do. Or, if you want me to help you put together a plan 1 on 1, we can do that together in my email coaching program.
With that in mind, there are a few specific mistakes I see men make when trying to get an ex back from a rebound.
- Don’t badmouth her or her new guy. You will appear jealous, weak, and insecure. If she rubs him in your face, wish her well in her new relationship and then go back to no-contact.
- Don’t try to convince her that the new guy doesn’t compare to you. If she’s experiencing new relationship energy – she’s going to laugh in your face.
- Don’t compare yourself to the other guy – or wonder what he’s giving her that you aren’t. Her decision has less to do with you, and more to do with her than you think.
- Don’t ask mutual friends about how her new relationship is going.
- Don’t assume her relationship with the new guy is at the same level yours was at.
- If it was long distance, for the love of god – please let it go.
Avoid these mistakes like the plague.
Before I close up shop today, I want to leave you with a thought that you might find comforting.
You know that old saying: opposites attract? It’s totally full of shit. Recent research has shown that we tend to prefer partners who are similar to us, but different enough to keep things interesting. So if your ex-girlfriend suddenly got together with someone who is the complete opposite of you…well.
You might hear from her.
But if you take my advice and start working on yourself, you’re going to have a moment where you realize that you aren’t on the same level you once were.
You’ll get to enjoy the moment you can say “no” and smile, as you walk forward into the life of long term masculine happiness that you deserve.
So stop waiting on her, and start focusing on yourself.
Her rebound relationship doesn’t matter.
Talk soon my friend,