Don’t Let Your Ex Use You As A Backup Plan: Never Accept Being Friends

I used to think the only way to get an ex-girlfriend back was through the dreaded friend zone. I figured I would just spend a few months proving just how awesome I was, and the girls I was chasing would magically come back.

I was wrong of course. I didn’t know the right ways to re-attract my ex-girlfriend.

One of the downsides to being raised in a single-mother household was a warped view of how attraction actually works.

I grew up hearing that you needed friendship before anything else – and I internalized it.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that friendship is genuinely one of the most important things for any long-term relationship…but being friends with your ex-girlfriend after a breakup is a bad idea if you want to get her back.

Your ex-girlfriend probably told you that she wanted to go back to being friends and then see how it goes from there, right?

If you agreed, congratulations she’s got you on her lure, hook line and sinker. Pretty soon, she’ll have you gasping like a fish out of water.

But I digress.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make after a breakup is to let your ex-girlfriend walk all over you to the point where you agree to be friends.

Now I’m not saying you can’t be friends in the future, long after all the emotions have died down, but when you’re still actively hurting from your breakup, you can’t be her friend.

She’ll usually ask you within the first couple of weeks, to months after your breakup, when the emotional wounds are still fresh, and not yet healed.

You might think it’s her trying to come back.

But it isn’t.

It doesn’t matter what the situation is. Whether you want to get her back or get over her completely, one of the hardest tests you’ll have to face after a breakup is when she asks to be friends.

Does My Ex-Girlfriend Really Just Want To Be Friends? (Hint: No)

Here’s a spoiler: no matter how great your ex may have been while you two were together, she’s going to be a shitty friend.

It’s not because she wants to be, because most women aren’t malicious. It’s because “friendship” is not the number one priority in her mind.

What she’s looking to do is keep you around as her emotional sponge and backup plan until she finds someone better.

From her perspective, it’s a great deal. At the moment, you’re not attractive enough of an option to date, but you’re still a known quantity, and she might trust you.

For women, there’s no instant attraction in the same way we feel it. It takes time for her emotions to develop, and no matter how bad the breakup, she’s still going to have some level of emotional investment in you.

Women desire security in relationships much more than men do, which is why you’ll sometimes see women stay with men that are terrible to them, just because they’re a known quantity.

When you accept being friends, she gets to use you as a guilt-free emotional punching bag.

And guess what? You effing agreed to it.

You know those episodes she’d occasionally have where she’d get worked up over something you thought was stupid, and suddenly she’s throwing emotions with more force than an EF-5 tornado?

Yeah, that’s basically what you signed up for. Only this time, she probably won’t have sex with you, and if you want to talk about something you enjoy, she can just ignore you because:

“We’re just friends, stop taking this relationship so seriously”

In other words, you’re safe. She gets to unload on you, while actively playing the field looking for your replacement. You, on the other hand, will get scraps, and eventually the privilege of watching her jaunt off with someone else.

Pretty grim, yeah?

Make no mistake, even in something as individual as relationships, being her friend never leads anywhere good for you. It’s about as set in stone as it can possibly be that if you accept being friends, two people are going to get fucked.

Her, by another guy, and you, by yourself.

Your “Friendship” Is Her Confidence Booster

We all crave validation in one way or another.

Even though Freud was batshit crazy, he was right about one thing. We all want to be special in our own way.

Women are no exception.

Look no further than her gaggle of giggling girlfriends constantly commenting on how gorgeous she is on Instagram.

That’s why women are constantly comparing themselves to other women.

A woman’s boyfriend is a huge source of validation. She’ll want you to notice her, and the little things she does. When you pay attention to the fact that she got her nails done and you tell her they look great, she’ll be brimming with confidence.

Things change a little bit when you two break up, but that doesn’t mean her unending search for validation ends.

In fact, if she asks you to be friends, she’s still seeking validation from you.

But this time, her validation is in knowing she can safely place you in the friend zone, as her backup plan. Having you as a backup plan is what can give her the confidence to put herself back out there and then replace you with someone new.

Then, anytime she wants to be told how beautiful she is, all she has to do is hit you up. And best of all, unlike the other guys telling her that, you have history behind you, so she knows you mean it.

Of course, she’ll be getting all of this while you’ll be just waiting and hoping that she’ll take you back. Unfortunately though, if you think that being her friend is telling her you’re interested, you’re wrong.

It’s telling her something else entirely.

Being Friends Tells Her You Don’t Deserve Her

I won’t mince my words here.

If you agree to be friends, you’re telling her that you think you don’t deserve her as a girlfriend.

You’re also telling her you’re desperate, not worthy of her time, and you have no other options.

Think about it for a second: does this really sound like the confident, attractive guy that she wants to date?

She’s gone ahead and renegotiated the terms of your relationship without your consent. She’s taken charge, and if you meekly agree, you’re giving up leadership of your relationship.

The longer you put up with her bullshit, the less she’s going to respect you as a man. And guess what?

The more she respects you as a man, the more attracted she’s going to be to you.

And if she’s not attracted to you, there’s not a chance in hell that you’re getting back together with her.

Women will NEVER admit this to you, because they like to do this thing where they say one thing, and do another. You can’t listen to what she says. Only what she does.

For proof of this, look no further than your ex-girlfriend’s male friends, if she has any.

Now I’m talking about close male friends that she made on her own, not the boyfriends of her girlfriends.

Do any of them strike you as particularly confident or attractive?

If she’s like most women, the answer to that question is going to be no. She’ll skip being friends with a man she’s attracted to altogether.

Now, she might tell you that her guy friends are really great and wonder out loud why they’re single. That’s what she’s saying though. Notice what she’s doing?

Keeping them at arm’s distance as friends, and not dating them. Every woman has that guy she loves as a friend, but would never in a million years sleep with.

Once you’ve been with enough women, you’ll see that this experience is almost universally shared.

So, do you still want to be her friend?

Being Her Friend Will Hold You Back In Your Post Breakup Recovery

On average, it takes men about 2.5 years to get over a breakup entirely. That’s a long time – and one that can seem so far off, especially if you’re actively hurting.

The really shitty part, is it’s easy to think that being her friend will stop the pain.

But it never works out that way.

The more you’re exposed to what she’s doing, the worse you’ll feel. You’ll get a front row seat to her getting back on the dating market, while you’re just waiting for her.

Part of recovering from a breakup means fully and contentiously accepting the fact that your relationship is over. It gives you closure and allows you to grieve for what you had. Grief, and feeling it, is completely normal. It never lasts.

But when you accept being her friend, you’re pushing away the grieving process, and instead choosing to cling to the faint hope that she’ll take you back. This is why it takes men so long to get over breakups.

It’s not that we’re weak, it’s that we can’t let go.

And it’s in letting go that you’ll be able to start feeling better, and putting yourself in the best possible headspace if you want to get her back.

A huge part of that is regaining your confidence, which you certainly cannot do when you’re actively trying to be her friend.

So think twice when your ex girlfriend wants to be friends.

If You’re Her Backup Plan, End It Immediately

If you’re suddenly feeling uncomfortable because you’re stuck as her friend, you need to take action right now.

Don’t pick up the phone and tell her that you no longer want to be friends. She’ll see right through what you’re doing (attempting to manipulate her into being something more) and laugh you off.

What you need to do is go no-contact with her. Don’t reach out, and if she reaches out to you, tell her that you’re not interested in being friends, and leave it at that. If she wants something more, she’ll have to come to you, on your terms.

Once you’ve done that, enforce strict no-contact and walk away. Focus on getting back into the gym and allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you feel with the ending of your relationship, whether it’s sadness, anger, or something else entirely.

The first month or so is going to be hard, and you’ll really want to reach out to her. It’s only natural because you’ve finally done away with your addiction to her.

Believe it or not, being able to walk away will make her more attracted to you. It shows her that you have a backbone and won’t accept less than you’re worth.

It doesn’t mean you’ll get her back, but it will help if it ever comes to that.

How Not Being Her Friend Can Help You Get Her Back

Once you finally have the spine to say enough is enough, and you take action to go no-contact, she won’t be hearing from you every day.

When she stops hearing from you, she’ll begin to wonder what changed. She might think you met someone new, or that you’ve finally moved on.

This is part of the reason it’s almost always a mistake to be friends with your ex-girlfriend if you want her back.

Can you guess what happens when she starts wondering these things?

She’ll start thinking about you more.

As time passes, the bad memories she has of you will start to fade, and she’ll begin remembering more of the positive aspects of you and your relationship.

At the same time, she’ll be going on dates with other guys, most of whom don’t understand women, and immediately drop her attraction to them.

Suddenly, in comparison to the low-quality men she’s seeing, you seem like an attractive option.

Now don’t take this the wrong way, it doesn’t mean she’ll make a move to try to get back together with you. It just means she’ll become more receptive to the idea of you as a person.

While she’s undergoing this development, if you’re following the rules of no-contact, you’ll be prioritizing personal development, improving your dating skills, and working on becoming an overall more attractive man.

So when she happens to reach out to you down the road, you’ll effectively be a mystery to her.

She won’t know what to expect, and if you play your cards right, you’ll be able to once again seduce her like when you first met.

But in order to do that after a breakup, you’ll need to be different, and you’ll need to be better.

Both of which you can’t do if you are letting her keep you around as her friend, and her backup plan.

So I ask again: do you really want to be her friend?

Talk soon my friend,

Coach Jack

Coach Jack

I'm Coach Jack, the owner and founder of Men's Breakup. I help over 1 million men a year radically transform their lives for the better after being dumped. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand experience, and critical analysis to show you how to either get her back, or get over her by building a life of long-term, masculine happiness.

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