In the last couple of years, I’ve noticed a lot of you have been kicking yourselves about the way things are, as well as the way things are going to be.
That’s not all of you, and not all the time of course, as I’ve talked to plenty of guys here who are happy, energetic, confident, and positive about what’s coming.
But what always catches me by surprise sometimes is the desperation I can see in some of you.
Now I don’t mean that in a bad way. I’ve been there. I once begged my ex-girlfriend to take me back and I was soundly rejected. Was I desperate? Fuck yes. I was.
And guess what? I’m sure you have experienced being frustrated like this at one point or another. It’s just part of being a man.
Whether that’s because of your ex-girlfriend or because the current women you’re dating don’t measure up, I know that many of you are not happy with where you’re at.
Even worse, because this is such an important part of life (if not one of the most important) the unhappiness and frustration carries over to the way you feel about life in general, even when it comes to things that are completely unrelated to women.
In the last year especially, after talking to hundreds of you through my coaching program I’ve noticed three issues stand out.
- You’re unhappy with the way things are with your ex-girlfriend.
- Your dating life isn’t going the way you planned.
- You’re frustrated with women in general, or maybe even angry at them.
It’s normal to feel that way. There’s nothing easy about going through your breakup. Things hurt. You don’t feel like yourself. You might cry. Or you might make an album about it.
Shit, it’s even worse when you’re getting back into dating afterward, whether it’s those first few awkward dates or the realization that finding good women is difficult.
It’s all difficult, and the worst part is so much of it is out of your control. You can’t control who likes you. You can’t control your ex-girlfriend. And by god if you ever suggest that you can control a woman, you’ll get crucified by the feminists.
Probably only a matter of time until I end up on their Crucifixion list.
And at the end of the day, all most of us want is a pretty girl who doesn’t bitch too much and is great to be around.
It seems like not too much to ask, right? But sometimes, it is too much. And the ever-present gap between that simple wish, and your very different reality, can cause an untold amount of misery and frustration.
Of course, there are things you can do about the things keeping you from what you want. You can use no-contact to deal with a troublesome ex-girlfriend. You can date more women so that you can find someone who’s really worth your time. You can improve your looks to date better quality women.
The options for improving your women life are endless. But sometimes, no matter what you do, you’re going to strike out. And goddammit, no matter where you’re at in life, it’s frustrating as hell when something you hoped would work doesn’t.
Now, what is my point in saying all this?
For one thing – part of life is embracing that things suck sometimes. Some days you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. And other days it just so happens that the wrong side of the bed is on a sinking ship and you’re about to be getting a complimentary saltwater bath.
But it’s not just that.
It’s deeper (see what I did there?)
While you can and should do everything you can to improve your women life, you should recognize that the situation is a difficult one, and you should accept it for what it is.
That doesn’t mean you stop trying to improve. It does mean accepting that just because you’re trying doesn’t mean you’re going to get results. It’s a long process.
And I think that’s where a lot of you who aren’t feeling so hot about the way things are going in your women life are getting hung up.
You’re focusing on the failures while ignoring the fact that it takes YEARS to master dating and relationship skills, as well as a significant amount of time to get over a breakup.
But here’s the thing that you guys who are thinking that way need to understand.
Life is about more than just women and your relations with them.
Don’t let the tough time you’re having with women distract you from that fact. There are an endless amount of interesting things that can bring you immense pleasure that don’t nag you!
And all of these wonderful things can be had no matter how you’re doing with women. So don’t miss out on them just because a part of your life (even if it’s a major part) is not going the way you had hoped.
When I look around me, I see a world that has never been more interesting and more amazing.
The Internet is the most wondrous invention in the history of mankind; it allows you to access a million libraries of Alexandria in the palm of your hand. It gives you a staggering amount of possibilities that your ancestors wouldn’t have even DREAMED of.
Life has never been safer or more physically comfortable; there have never been greater opportunities for men like you to live a healthy lifestyle, to keep your body fit and your mind sharp.
There are so many things to be interested in, to develop knowledge in or even expertise about, to simply enjoy and be entertained by, that it’s practically an embarrassment of riches at every moment.
You can go just about anywhere, at any time, or be anything you could ever imagine.
Even better, while this was possible 100 years ago for some, today this is possible for just about any one.
How terrible, even tragic, it would be to miss out on all this just because a part of life — even a major and important part — is relatively difficult, frustrating and often unrewarding.
Now let me tell you a little story.
I had a friend back in College who was going through some rough times financially. He was pretty much broke, and things were not looking great.
But besides his financial situation, it looked like he had everything else together. He had good grades. He was smart. He was consistent in the gym. But because of his financial pressure, he let all of his good habits go to hell. As the good habits failed, his body and his mind went with them.
One day we got to talking over a beer as we often did. Just shooting the shit about wherever and whatever, when he brought up his financial situation.
I expected him to rant, but what he said has stuck with me ever since.
“It sucks that I’m broke. It really fucking does. But do you know what sucks worse? The gym is free, but I stopped working out. The library is free, but I stopped going. I can do my homework, but I haven’t been. What really sucks is knowing I let this problem snowball out of control”
In the end, he recognized that he still had a problem but he chose not to let the problem destroy his entire life, because it only affected one area of his life.
And the truth is, if you have a problem that can’t be completely solved right now, do yourself a favor and accept the problem and learn how to be happy with the problem rather than having it compound and ruin your enjoyment of the other areas of your life.
Again. Accepting the fact that there is a real problem with women does not mean that you do nothing about it.
You always have options that can make it easier, and we’ve discussed some of those options here. However, for many men, this problem will always be there in some shape or form and you should learn how to accept it on the way to building a life that you really fucking love.
Because once you accept that it’s a problem right now, you can go on to enjoy the various amazing and ever changing delights this world has to offer without distorting your sense of confidence or becoming nihilistic about what the future has to offer.
Once you accept that things aren’t perfect, you can avoid your frustration leading you to simplistic and reductive ideologies that offer you momentary relief and the promise at meaning, with the terrible price of closing your mind off to the true subtlety and complexity of the life we live.
Furthermore, once you accept your frustration, you’ll stop listening to all the “gurus” in this space urging you to play games with women to get them to like you, when the only game you should be playing is the self-improvement game where you win every time.
Sometimes life sucks.
Sometimes it sucks to be a man.
Sometimes things don’t work out with the women we love.
But that’s no excuse not to go out and live your life to the fullest.
Every single day.
Because not even tomorrow is promised. So why would you let your frustration with yesterday keep you from what tomorrow can be?
If things aren’t going great for you right now with the women in your life, I want to help you. Whether you just need a pep talk to get back after it, or serious help coping with your breakup, I’ve got you covered and we’ll tackle things together. Book a coaching session with me and let’s take you to the next level.