“There’s this one girl…” is almost always how it starts.
“She’s not like the others!”
“I can’t stop thinking about her!”
“She’s so fucking hot!”
Then it spirals down even further. Suddenly you’re thinking about how sexy she looked in that red lingerie she wore for you on Valentine’s Day, or how great she was at her patented slow blows.
And as you come down to your disappointing reality where she’s not there with you, you’re stuck.
So you decide “Fuck it, I’m breaking no contact. I need her back”.
Then, when she either doesn’t answer or coldly rejects your needy ass, you’re back to square one, except this time you’ve not only compromised your dignity as a man, you’ve pretty much told her that you don’t deserve her.
If this sounds familiar to you, it’s because I’ve lived this scenario many times and worked with hundreds of guys dealing with the same thing.
So, here’s a little hard-earned advice. Nothing good comes from fantasizing about women in general. Double that for your ex-girlfriend, no matter how hot she is.
That’s because fantasies are never good. Fantasies are NOT dreams, nor are they aspirations. They’re illusions that make you feel unhappy about the current state of your life.
When you fantasize, you are living in a dream world, and it’s holding you back from actually living a great life.
And to be clear – visualizing is different from fantasizing! Visualizing is you creating the perfect life you’ll work to obtain. It involves factually understanding how things are. Fantasy on the other hand, fails to consider the reality.
The last place you want to be stuck is in fantasy land with your ex-girlfriend.
Right now, statistically speaking, there are tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of great women who are looking for a guy just like you!
And guess what? Some of them are hotter than your ex. Some of them are more fun. Some of them are better partners.
And every so often, you’ll find one who’s all 3, if you’re not trapped inside fantasizing about your ex-girlfriend, of course.
Before we tackle how you can cut out this bad habit, we need to look at what’s causing it in the first place.
The fantasy of your ex-girlfriend exists because you’re using it as an escape. It’s an escape from the unhappy situation you find yourself in at the moment, which is completely understandable.
But, just because it’s understandable, doesn’t mean it’s okay.
Trying to escape from the situation will help you in the moment, but it will lead to you being unhappy in the long term.
All too often, this desire to escape is caused by FEAR. The fear that you’re not going to get someone better than your ex-girlfriend, or the fear that you’re not good enough because she dumped you.
So instead of confronting the fear, you run. You fall back on the comfortable memories of your ex-girlfriend as a security blanket.
So let me ask you…what are you really afraid of?
1: Find out what limiting beliefs are causing you to fantasize – and challenge them.
If you want to stop fantasizing about your ex, you first need to understand what’s causing it.
As I explained above, for most guys it’s just a simple escape based on fear. Knowing that you need to take a step back and ask yourself what’s causing you to avoid facing your fear.
Are you afraid to get back out there again because your women skills suck? Do you think you’re not deserving of a great partner? Is it because you fear losing her? Is it because you think you can’t get anything better?
Once you can identify the limiting belief, you need to challenge it.
Before we move on, let me tell you a little story.
My first girlfriend was a lithe figure skater with a body that turned heads wherever she went.
While she dressed conservatively, all bets were off when she was in the bedroom, and I loved it. She had the perfect combination of class, smarts, and sex appeal.
After we broke up, I dated several women that were objectively hotter than her, including a Swedish model who most of you reading this would consider at least a 9 if not a 10.
Yet I’d find myself thinking about my ex while I was picking up these women. Sometimes I’d even imagine myself having sex with her while sleeping with them.
The funny thing was, the fantasies got worse as more time went by.
But for the life of me, I couldn’t understand why.
On a warm June night, the answer miraculously revealed itself to me. Me and one of my best friends were drinking beers and shooting the shit while we talked about life.
For the most part, it was a regular night, until he made an offhand quip to me.
He said something along the lines of:
“Yeah, I always remember things as better than they were”
Later that night, I realized why I kept fantasizing about my figure skater ex. I was remembering her as better than she was. I would look at the pictures where she was perfectly made up, with her hot little body crammed into a tight dress.
But she didn’t look like that in real life. For the record, keeping her pictures is another cardinal sin that I’m going to talk about in a minute, so stick with me.
Suddenly, it dawned on me. I believed she was close to perfect, and I was unconsciously comparing her to my other women. Instead of appreciating them for what they brought to the table, I was picturing her instead.
Two days later, I went out with one of the girls I was seeing at the time. I made it a point to focus on what I appreciated about her. Later that night, when I fucked her in the back of my car, I started to think about my ex.
But, instead of indulging myself in fantasizing, I screwed my eyes open and forced myself to look at the pair of gloriously perky tits bouncing in my face as she worked hard to please me.
Challenging it was that simple.
I continued to challenge my incorrect belief over and over. While it didn’t go away all at once, after a few months it was gone for good.
It also helped that I quickly began to realize that my ex wasn’t special.
2: Understand that your ex is NOT special.
If you think your ex is special, you’ve got a severe case of oneitis that you need to cure yourself of ASAP.
Because my friend, your ex-girlfriend is just like the rest. She’s not special. If you’re reading this, you now have a moral duty to scroll back up to that link and read it 5x before continuing. It will set you straight.
Seriously. Go read it.
Because right now, your brain is wildly irrational, especially if she just broke up with you. It’s going to tell you a lot of things that aren’t true, and you’re going to want to believe it in the same way Bill Clinton wanted us to believe he “did not have sexual relations with that woman”
So in the same way Congress exposed ole’ Bill, I need to expose the egregious lies your brain wants to tell you while you’re fantasizing.
- She’s the only girl for me!
- She’s the hottest I can ever get!
- Our relationship was perfect!
- She was my best friend!
- She’s my soulmate!
- She’s so much better than everyone else!
Once you start working on yourself and start seeing new women, you’ll realize that your ex-girlfriend wasn’t special to begin with, and it will be much easier for you to stop fantasizing about her.
3: Get rid of reminders of her (nudes/messages)
Now that you realize how ordinary your ex-girlfriend is, you are now obligated to remove the number one cause of your fantasies towards her from your life: her nudes.
The first thing I ask any guy who’s struggling with post-breakup fantasies is:
“Did you delete her nudes?”
Usually, the response something along the lines of…
There’s almost always an uncomfortable silence afterward because no one is willing to have this conversation.
Which is exactly why I’m here to tell you: you have to delete her nudes. All of them. Yes, even that one in the black lingerie where her ass looks greeeeeat. And any sex tapes. They have to go too. No, you can’t just hide them for later. Delete them now and you’ll thank me later.
While you shouldn’t keep any reminders of her, the worst ones to keep are nudes and sex tapes.
Besides the fact that these have the power to ruin her life, which alone warrants deleting them, The ones you have saved no doubt show her at the peak of her sex appeal.
The last thing you need is the opportunity to see them and reinforce the fantasy image of her you have in your head where she’s better than she really is.
You don’t want to remember her at the peak. You want to remember her as she was: an imperfect girl who ultimately wasn’t right for you for one reason or another. Once you can remember her honestly, your fantasy will be dead.
To get there though, you need to continuously…
4: Remind yourself that she wasn’t perfect
In a perfect world, you won’t think of your ex-girlfriend at all. But our world isn’t perfect, and neither is your ex-girlfriend.
Think about all the times she pissed you off. Think of specifics memories. I bet there have been dozens of times she’s pissed you off
I remember one argument I had with an ex-girlfriend started over her worrying that I was working out too much. Whenever I started getting oneitis, I forced myself to remember her yelling at me to spend less time at the gym and spend more time with her.
You can guess which priority won.
Your ex is a normal and flawed human being like the rest of us. She’s not a goddess who deserves to be worshipped as the epitome of human perfection.
Every time you feel the need to think of her, remember something you didn’t like about her. Even if it’s something petty like not putting the cap on the toothpaste or her unwavering belief that Epstein DID kill himself.
The more you remind yourself that she wasn’t perfect, the easier it will be to stop fantasizing about her.
Of course, the fastest way to stop believing any woman is perfect?
5: Start hitting some new tail
Back in the days when pickup was a thing, there was only ONE thing everyone could agree on.
The more women you’re working with, the less you care about any individual woman.
The more of anything you have, whether it’s money, happiness, food, or women, the less you care about it overall.
For example, if you had $10,000 dollars and lost $20 bucks, you wouldn’t sweat it. But, if you had only $40 dollars, that same $20 is worth a lot more.
Women work the same way. The more experiences you have with them, the more you realize they’re all alike.
It’s also really hard to fantasize about your ex-girlfriend when you’re having easy, drama-free relationships with hot women.
Hell, it was an eye-opener for me when I realized it was easier to have enjoyable sex with a new woman than it was to have sex with my ex-girlfriend.
Getting there is also easier than you might expect. Start by reading about how you should structure your relationships, and then read this about online dating. They’ll give you a great base to work off of.
Afterwards, I highly encourage you to begin testing out online dating ASAP, as it offers the best return for a very minimal time investment.
If you need more help with this, you can also book a coaching session with me.
Once you have the woman in place, there’s only one other thing holding you back.
6: Work on building a happier life for yourself
People that are absolutely unflappable almost always share one thing in common: they live great fucking lives.
To illustrate, here’s a quote from my article on outcome independence (which is a must-read, by the way)
Imagine for a second you’re on a date with a really hot woman, or the ex-girlfriend you’re trying to get back.
Things aren’t going well. She’s not engaging with you in conversation while she’s glancing at her phone occasionally.
You can tell she’s not into it, and tonight probably isn’t going to be your night, and it’s subtly ruining your game, even though you don’t notice it.
As you begin to resign yourself internally, you feel a twinge of disappointment, as you picture yourself motorboating her glorious mammary glands crammed into the skintight dress that’s just a hint too tight.
Denied the pleasure you had hoped for, a thought crosses your mind.
Tomorrow night, you and your buddies leave on the sweet vacation to Venice you’ve been looking forward to for the past month.
Suddenly, you perk up and the light jumps back into your eyes. Your date notices as your internal excitement has you smiling with your eyes.
You finish your drinks and bid your big titty bimbo adieu and rush home to get to bed.
That night of sleep is extra sweet, even though you have the entire bed to yourself.
Waking up the next day, your mind filled with thoughts of a Venetian adventure, there’s no room for the thought of titties that have passed you by.
The principle is simple: have so many awesome things going on that if one thing goes wrong, it’s just a bump in the road, not an effing massive pothole that swallows you whole.
See what I did there?
How you accomplish this is going to be unique to you.
For me personally, I do this by working on projects that I love all the time. I also balance this with trips to the gym on a program I created myself.
If I have a bad day, no problem. I can get excited at the thought of putting in some meaningful work as soon as I get home.
My advice: think about the things that really make you happy, and make it a point to do them all the time.
How you figure this out involves a lot of trial and error. I’ll write about it eventually, so stay tuned.
Once you get this right, you’ll have outcome independence in all areas of your life, not just in dating women.
You’ll also actually be happy, which is not something you’re going to get just from dating women.
Now replace the date with your fantasies. If you’re too busy thinking about all the awesome things you’re doing you’re not going to be fantasizing. In my opinion, this is the best way to avoid fantasies for good.
You’ll never again think about “what could be” if “what is” is fucking great.
Read that again.
You’ll never again think about “what could be” if “what is” is fucking great.
Having an awesome fucking life takes work, but that’s no excuse. You’ve only got one shot at life, shouldn’t you aim to live it to the fullest?