I’m going to cut right to the chase: this is the most comprehensive guide on the internet on how to get your ex-girlfriend back.
It’s based on 5 years of experience from my breakup coaching practice, where I help high-value men like you rebuild after a breakup or re-attract an ex-girlfriend. Where appropriate, I’ve also layered in the latest peer-reviewed scientific studies as well as insights from qualified relationship experts, physchologists, and therapists.
Today, I’m going to teach you the 18 best ways to get your ex-girlfriend back that I teach here at Men’s Breakup, and in my paid course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back – the Fundamentals.
Without further adieu…
The 18 best ways to get your ex-girlfriend back are:
- Treat your ex-girlfriend with honesty and empathy
- Listen to her without getting defensive
- Say the right things to get her back
- Walk away if she is unwilling or unable to get back together
- Be supportive and mature when you handle the breakup logistics
- Follow the no-contact rule
- Get through survival mode before you try to win her back
- Reflect on your mistakes during the relationship
- Reflect on why she ended the relationship (from her perspective)
- Identify (and fix) sneaky relationship patterns that contributed to the breakup
- Become a high-value man by working on yourself
- Be prepared for when your ex-girlfriend breaks no contact
- Have a plan to handle meeting up with her
- Show your ex-girlfriend you’ve changed (without telling her)
- Know the 15 signs your ex-girlfriend wants you back
- Practice outcome independence to re-attract her
- Let your ex-girlfriend come back to you at her own pace
- Understand the 3 stages of getting back together with you ex-girlfriend
On the other hand, it’s not enough to know what you have to do. Winning your ex-girlfriend back is just as much about what you don’t do. There are plenty of ways to win your ex-girlfriend back that won’t actually help you get her back at all.
In fact, many of these will actually:
- Make it harder for you to re-attract your ex-girlfriend
- Make it take longer for you to feel better about the breakup
You’ll want to avoid these. So what are these mistakes?
The 18 worst ways to get your ex-girlfriend back are:
- Trying to change her mind
- Chasing her
- Walking away without having a conversation
- Assuming “love is all you need” to bring back your ex-girlfriend
- Acting aloof and dismissive around your ex-girlfriend
- Showing her how much you miss her
- Waiting for her when she says “I want to get back together in the future”
- Using a shared trip to try to get back with your ex-girlfriend
- Consuming too much free advice on how to get your ex-girlfriend back
- Saying the wrong things (or texting her too much)
- Agreeing to be friends with your ex-girlfriend to win her back
- Rushing to get back together right after the breakup
- Rubbing other women you’re dating in her face
- Treating everything as a sign she wants you back
- Trying to get your ex-girlfriend back with text messages
- Using gifts or other grand gestures to win her affection
- Trying to rebuild a long-distance relationship
- Believing you will get her back without doing the f***ing work
Unfortunately, many of these are taught as “tricks to get your ex-girlfriend back” even though they don’t work at all.
This Guide Can Help You Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back If…
This guide is written for you if your relationship was:
- Long term lasting >3 months, but really more like >8-12 months
- Reasonably committed where you both wanted a future together at one point.
- Emotionally monogamous where she was your primary love interest (even if you were married or “dating” someone else
- Not terminated because of abuse or infidelity because these situations are much different
- Not a marriage because divorce has other legal and financial repercussions which fall into qualified legal advice. And last I checked, I’m not a lawyer.
- Not long distance because long-distance relationships have too many complications
- Childless because adding kids and coparenting to the equation is an entirely different topic that requires numerous special considerations
In other words, this guide will likely work very well for you if:
- She’s asked for space and you’re not sure what the heck to do or if it’s even a breakup
- You’re lost and confused as you try to get back together with your first love
- You’re trying to get back together with the love of your life who you thought you were going to marry – until she ended it.
- You want to get back together with an affair partner now that your marriage or other loveless relationship has ended
- You dumped your ex-girlfriend and now you’ve changed your mind – you want her back
Meanwhile, it parts of it may not apply to you if:
- You went on a few dates and she ghosted you – but you want her back
- She was a long-term “friends with benefits” or a girl you were dating even if it was long term
- You were dating a girl for two months and then she dumped you
- You were in a long-distance relationship
- You have children together
- You cheated on her
- You were polyamorous and had numerous emotional relationships at the same time
With that happy-fun disclaimer out of the way, it’s my hope that you find this piece of free content to be better than every other paid course in this space.
I strongly suggest you bookmark this page and return to it as you go through your journey to get your ex-girlfriend back or get over her altogether.
Let’s not waste any more time.
You and I have got some work to do, my friend.
1: Treat Your Ex-Girlfriend With Compassion And Honesty
My best advice to get your ex-girlfriend back is to treat her with compassion and honesty. How you use these two skills can have more of an impact on your chances of getting her back than just about anything else you can do.
These two relationship skills are critical to:
- Maintain a foundation of trust and safety in the relationship
- Break down communication barriers
- Show her that (not tell her) that you are changing for the better
- Leave her with something positive to remember about you
- Avoid any potentially destructive arguments that can push her further away
- Avoid pushing away her support system (a big one no one talks about)
But you were probably taught exactly the opposite.
You’ve probably heard that compassion and honesty don’t reignite attraction.
You’re supposed to be strong. So strong that your chiseled jaw’s gravity athletic 9s off the street as you sprint by. Because Chad’s don’t walk. They sprint. I mean it. Your ex should literally be running back to you because of how strong you are.
It sounds great in theory – after all, if you want to re-attract her, you want to be a strong, attractive man, right?
But let me ask you this: is a strong, masculine man the type of man who needs to resort to…
Dishonesty and lack of authenticity:
- Pretending to be “completely fine” with the breakup when you’re really dying inside
- Covering your social media with pictures of you “having the time of your life”
- Using no-contact or “playing hard to get” as tools to manipulate her
- Using a rebound relationship to make her jealous
- Faking “massive” personal improvements in a short time
On top of callous apathy:
- Telling her to fuck off when she has a legitimate request for help
- Making it difficult for her to resolve any of the breakup logistics
- Using guilt, shame, or fear to trick your ex-girlfriend into getting back with you
- Gaslighting her with “psychological hacks to get her back” where you treat her legitimate complaints as “shit tests”
The answer is no. A high-value man in his masculine center doesn’t resort to dishonesty. Nor is he callous and apathetic.
You won’t be able to rebuild your relationship with her by pretending like you don’t care, or that you’re suddenly a completely different person. You’ll just look like you’re a dishonest windbag that she can’t trust.
How can I be so sure?
Back in 2018, Clue, relationship researcher Tanja Gerlach from the University of Göttingen and MyONE Condoms conducted one of the largest and most comprehensive surveys on what women want in a partner. Over 64,860 women were surveyed from 180 different countries.
The top 5 most important traits in long-term romantic partners?
- Supportiveness (more on this later)
Take these findings with a grain of salt since there is some evidence to suggest men and women both aren’t great at predicting what is actually important to them in a long-term relationship.
But what are compassion and honesty?
Let’s quickly define both:
- Compassion: the ability to understand your ex’s feelings from her point of view, and then act lovingly from the heart
- Honesty: the act of speaking from your heart and sharing your actual thoughts and feelings with your ex-girlfriend.
When you aren’t sure how to act – your default should always be compassionate and honest . Keeping these two skills sharp is the fastest way to get your ex-girlfriend back.
For my fellow nerds out there, there are a lot of good examples of type of guy in popular media:
- Steve Rodgers (aka Captain America) from Marvel
- Uncle Iroh from Avatar The Last Airbender
- Alistair from the Dragon Age franchise
- Paragon Sheperd from the Mass Effect franchise
- Ser Davos from Game of Thrones & A Song Of Ice & Fire
- Jon Snow from Game of Thrones & A Song Of Ice & Fire
Now obviously your job is to completely bend the knee and simp for the Dragon Queen like our boy Aegon – but there is certainly something to be learned from his approach to handling others – particularly those that have wronged him.
How To Treat Your Ex-Girlfriend With Compassion and Honesty
If you were dumped, your goal is not to rush out of the door right now to show her how compassionate and honest you are.
You don’t need to show up at her house unannounced after she had a bad day with pizza and wine. Likewise, you don’t want to give her all the details about women you are currently dating.
As we’ll talk about later on in this article, one of the best things to do to get her back is to give her space.
Instead, whenever she comes to you, you want to treat her with both.
Coming to you could mean her asking for a favor, wanting to resolve the breakup logistics, to talk, etc.
To treat her with compassion when she comes to you, you want to:
- Help her out if it’s easily within your ability
- Avoid channeling your negative emotions at her
- Avoid making her feel guilty for the breakup
- Respect her decision and don’t try to change her mind
- Admit when you are wrong instead of arguing or trying to explain yourself
- Forgive her for any wrongs she has done to you
- Show remose for any pain or anguish you’ve caused
- Work to break down her walls with active listening;
- Tell her clearly that you want to be together with her;
This is a concept we discuss in great detail in my course on how to get her back – especially if your ex has her walls up.
If that’s the case, you absolutely must…
2: Listen To Her Without Getting Defensive
“I got back together with my ex-girlfriend today” Josh told me “Still, it feels off. We’re doing this weird dance where I feel like she has something to say, but she hasn’t said it. We haven’t talked about the breakup yet, do you think that’s what it is?”
“I got back together with my ex-girlfriend today” Josh told me “Still, it feels off. We’re doing this weird dance where I feel like she has something to say, but she hasn’t said it. We haven’t talked about the breakup yet, do you think that’s what it is?”
Josh freely admitted that he and Vanessa had struggled with arguments during the relationship. Their breakup was particularly nasty – Josh often felt like he needed to get the last word in so as not to feel emasculated.
It didn’t help that he felt like Vanessa always had him on the defensive.
“She always told me I wasn’t putting enough effort in” Josh told me one day “And I was thinking to myself I’m paying all of the bills here and I’m fucking drained at the end of the day. I have no energy to be present. Isn’t this enough?”
Small arguments often had the potential to escalate.
“You don’t understand me!” she would often shout.
What was the problem?
Both Vanessa and Josh had a habit of going on the defense instead of listening. You do not want to make the same mistake if you want your ex-girlfriend to take you back.
What Does It Mean To Listen Without Getting Defensive?
To listen to your ex-girlfriend without getting defensive means to use empathy to hear and understand her perspective without feeling attacked, or needing to justify or defend your actions or feelings.
Many of my coaching clients struggle with this.
And I get it. It feels emasculating to sit back and listen to her if your ex is taking personal shots at you, or using her feelings to justify her behavior. Double that if you feel like she is saying something that isn’t true.
Then the urge bubbles up from deep inside, screaming at you to stand up for yourself and not let her speak down to you.
And boom. You blow up. You get angry. You shout.
Sometimes this goes the other way.
As you hear the painful words from her, you shut down. Instead of engaging with her, you stonewall her and withdraw into yourself – effectively ending the conversation.
If you want to make your ex-girlfriend want you back quickly this is a huge mistake.
When you defend yourself instead of listening to her, there are consequences. All you’re going to do is encourage her to put up walls.
Think about it from her perspective:
- Not listening communicates that you don’t value her thoughts or feelings
- It tells her you’re not the emotionally intelligent, mature man she wants to be together with
- It can make her feel unheard, dismissed, or disrespected which makes her want to talk to you even less.
If you want a long-term, committed relationship with her again you need to bring down her walls instead.
How To Listen To Her Without Being Defensive
As I talk about in The Fundamentals, there are several ways you can listen to her effectively:
- Stay calm and composed even if she’s upset, angry, or sad;
- Give your full attention when she is speaking and avoid interrupting her even if she pauses;
- Say “what I’m hearing is [insert thing]” to clarify each point
- Use clarifying questions like “what makes you feel that way?” to show empathy
- Remember: her feelings are not a reflection on you as a man
Practice listening like this if you really want to repair your relationship with your ex-girlfriend.
Go watch the excellent video linked above by communication expert Derek Rivers from How Communication Works for a more in-depth look at how to do this.
With that in mind, let’s talk about what you need to say if you want her back.
3: Say The Right Things To Get Her Back
If you want to get back together with your ex-girlfriend, you need to say the right things at the right times. For our purposes, that means:
- You sincerely apologize when appropriate;
- You keep your tone and your messaging to her consistent and non-needy;
- You avoid promises you can’t keep;
- You don’t lie or pretend to be someone you are not;
- You know how to bring down her walls when they are up
How To Say The Right Things To Bring Back Your Ex-Girlfriend
Saying the right words at the right time is a tricky topic – and one I can’t possibly cover in detail here because it is so situational.
One particular thing you must say: you want to make it clear to your ex-girlfriend that you want to be in a romantic relationship with her.
Don’t play hard to get, or try this bullshit where you try to act mysterious so she is unsure of herself. Later in this article I’ll reveal more of these sneaky communication mistakes – so stick around.
So what should you say to tell her?
Say to her “Baby, I love you and I want to be with you. I respect your right to make this decision and I understand why you want to do it. If you ever change your mind, please let me know – because I want to work on us”.
If she is willing to work with you – you have a chance to get her back.
I’m not going to spend too much time on this topic because I discuss it extensively in my article on the 17 things you need to tell her to get her back – so go check that out if you need help with your words.
But if she isn’t willing to repair the relationship then you must…
4: Walk Away If She Is Unwilling Or Unable To Get Back Together
There is no way for you to rekindle lost love with your ex-girlfriend if she is unwilling to be in a romantic relationship with you.
You must walk away – even though I know you want to do the exact opposite.
I know you want to keep calling, texting, and pursuing her.
Don’t do it.
Read More: Don’t Chase Her. Let Her Go If You Want Her Back
As we’ll talk about later in this article, you can’t change her mind once it’s made up. Fighting her or trying to convince her to stay in a relationship with guy logic is a losing battle. Doing this further damages her ability to trust you and can make her feel guilty for the breakup – which is the last thing you want.
To walk away means to cease all non-essential communication with her as you unapologetically move forward with your new single life.
All of this has a positive effect on your chances of getting her back. When you walk away you without fighting to get her back you:
- Give yourself time to process the breakup – which helps you move on faster;
- Give her time to miss you which may make her realize what she has lost and make her want you back.
- Show you respect her decision, which conveys you care about her and are willing to put what she needs ahead of your own desire to reconcile
- Communicate that you value yourself by showing that you have boundaries and won’t take less than what you deserve.
How Do You Walk Away To Get Her Back?
This is a complicated topic that we’ll continue to explore throughout this article.
To walk away you need to:
- Tell her that “I love you and I want to be together with you. If you ever change your mind, let me know”.
- Stop contacting her for anything other than the breakup logistics
- Stop focusing on her and start focusing on yourself
- Take a small step every day toward rebuilding your life
This is going to be difficult, and it may seem like it’s the opposite of compassionate. But it’s not. Your ex-girlfriend does not want to be in a relationship with you right now. You have to respect her decision and give her the space without you constantly reminding her of what she did to you.
Simple to teach, hard to do.
Before you can walk away – you’ll likely have one more opportunity to improve your image. Wondering how?
5: Be Supportive & Mature When You Handle The Breakup Logistics
The easiest way to get your ex-girlfriend back: be kind, supportive, and mature when you handle the breakup logistics. I’m not sure why no one talks about this. Many of my client ex-back success stories are a direct result of handling the breakup logistics well.
I recently worked with a client who experienced this. After his girlfriend broke up with him, he made it easy on her to move out and even helped her get situated in her new house. His ex-girlfriend came back less than a month later, after having second thoughts upon realizing what a supportive, kind man my client was.
Is that the norm?
But it does happen more often than you’d think.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
What Do The Breakup Logistics Have To Do With Getting Her Back?
Breakup logistics are the practical and logistical aspects of ending a romantic relationship with your girlfriend.
This can include:
- Giving her back her belongings / getting back your things;
- Deciding who gets to keep shared possessions;
- Communicating about shared plans or vacations;
- Establishing boundaries with friends and family;
- Working out custody arrangements for your children;
- Addressing legal or contractual obligations like loans or leases;
- Resolving shared living situations or long-distance arrangements;
I realize it seems strange to suggest that giving her back her stuff is one of the best ways to get her back. But that’s only because you’re approaching this with a logical point of view.
There’s likely fear, uncertainty about how you’ll react, guilt for hurting you, all wrapped up in anxiety to get it “over” with.
When you are supportive and mature throughout the entire process, you alleviate those fears which in turn makes you look:
- Decisive and responsible;
- Someone who cares about her well-being – even after being hurt;
- Like you aren’t her enemy – or a guy who is worth hating;
- Consistent, as you’ve expressed your love for her and backed it up with action
This is one of the easiest ways to show your ex-girlfriend that you still love her with without acting needy.
How Do You Handle The Breakup Logistics In A Mature Way?
Remember: this is the woman you love. Practice compassion like we talked about in way #1. Regardless of how you feel about her decision, what does it really say about you if you make the breakup logistics difficult for her?
How do you act supportive and mature?
- Don’t use this as an opportunity to blame or accuse her of wrongdoing.
- Support her as she transitions to a single life – don’t tell her to completely fuck off just like that
- Be as nice and understanding about the situation as possible. If she wants something that’s not a big ask, give it to her.
- Keep your emotions in check – now is not the time to beg or try to change her mind
- Don’t give her an ultimatum unless you are truly ready to burn the bridge;
- If you say you are going to do something or be at a specific place – keep your word.
As an aside, if there are children involved – you want to do everything in your power to be as supportive of a parent as possible – for the sake of your kids.
Read More: How To Act Around Your Ex-Girlfriend If You Want Her Back
I get that you may want revenge on her, but that doesn’t mean you should take it.
Once you’ve resolved the breakup logistics, you need to…
6: Follow The No-Contact Rule
The no-contact rule is a period of time where you stop any contact you have with your ex-girlfriend.
By now, you’ve heard of it.
But 80% (or more) of my coaching clients don’t know how to use it correctly.
Follow these 5 rules to use it correctly:
- No contact for any reason: unless she reaches out to you, you give her space – do not talk to her.
- Plan for when the urge to break no-contact hits.
- Talk about the situation with a supportive friend, family member, therapist, or relationship coach
- During no contact, focus on yourself, not trying to get your ex-girlfriend back
- Don’t beat yourself up if you break no-contact. You’re only human.
Even though the no-contact rule is about giving yourself space to grieve and heal from the breakup, it can have a positive effect on her attraction to you.
When properly implemented, the no-contact rule:
- Allows you to make a meaningful recovery from the breakup
- Gives her space to reflect on the relationship without feeling guilt or pressure from you;
- Gives her the room to miss you which can improve the chances of reconciliation
- Shows you that you can live without her – which will improve your confidence and your mood
I’ve written a complete guide on how to use the no-contact rule with your ex-girlfriend which explains the rest.
But what if no-contact is not possible because of your situation?
For example, if you live together, have kids together, work together, or have shared social connections you may not be able to go complete no-contact with your ex-girlfriend.
If you can’t go completely no-contact, limited contact will work. In this case, keep any contact focused on the unresolved breakup logistics – and continue to be nice and supportive, mature, and empathetic when you are around her.
For several of my clients, this has actually worked in their favor.
While going no-contact with her may feel like one of the hardest parts of getting her back, what comes next is almost always worse…so pay attention.
7: Get Through Survival Mode Before You Try To Win Her Back
I know you really want your ex-girlfriend back and you’re determined to do anything you can to work on yourself and repair the relationship before she forgets about you.
Trust me – the best thing you can do is wait.
Once the shock of the breakup and the sense of surrealness wears off, you need to take some time to grieve before you even think about getting your ex-girlfriend back.
The first 2-8 weeks after the breakup are typically the worst part of the entire healing process. I call this phase “survival mode”.
During survival mode you may:
- Have difficulty sleeping or sleep too much
- Have trouble focusing at work or school
- Feel the need to compulsively check your phone and social media for any sign of contact from your ex
- Experience obsessive thoughts about her, who she’s with, or what she’s doing
- Notice all sorts of “red flags” you missed during the relationship and leading up to the breakup
- Experience intense dreams about your ex that leave you feeling dazed, confused, and sad
- Feel as if a “piece” of you is missing that you may never get back;
- Experience a loss of appetite
- Feel overwhelmingly anxious or empty inside
- Want to withdraw from friends, family, or other social activities
- Lose interest in the activities you previously enjoyed
- Find yourself constantly replaying memories from the relationship
- Suffer from headaches, muscle tension, and a persistent feeling of fatigue
If it feels like your life has ground to a halt recently and you’re struggling to get out of bed in the morning, you’re in survival mode.
If you’re here – my heart goes out to you. I’ll be honest with you: the next few weeks aren’t going to be easy. It’s okay to feel like you’re going crazy and that you need to do something right this second or your ex-girlfriend is going to slip away and you’ll never be able to get her back.
And to make things worse, your friends and family may not understand what you’re going through. They may think it’s a terrible idea to try to get your ex back. They may tell you to “move on” or “just get over it already” which can make you feel even more isolated and alone.
During survival mode, even though your brain may feel consumed with thoughts about your ex-girlfriend – it’s during this phase that you need to try your best to focus on yourself instead of trying to get her back.
This is not the time for self-improvement, it’s the time for self-care.
During survival mode you should be focused on:
- Meeting the physical baseline for sleep, water, food and exercise that I talk about in The Fundamentals to maximize your ability to grieve
- Getting on the best routine after the breakup for you
- Not being alone (spend time with friends, family, or even groups of strangers)
- Talking through what you feel with a trusted friend, therapist, or coach
- Sticking to no-contact, and avoiding her on social media
- Doing just enough to get by at work, school, or otherwise
- Finding small rituals that give you comfort like journaling, watching Game of Thrones re-runs, or playing your favorite video game
You’re not going to be in the best position to get her back if you’re so beside yourself with grief that you can’t function. And more importantly, some time without her will give you perspective to answer the big question – do you really want your ex-girlfriend to come running back or are you just hurt?
During survival mode – it may feel like the only thing that can save you is if she comes back begging for a second chance.
But I promise you: be patient and make it through survival mode and I promise your life will start looking up – with or without her.
This is one of my biggest gripes with the ex-back gurus out there – they assume that you’re a fucking robot who’s ready for action after you’ve gone through a loss that’s as painful as – or even worse – than a death.
8: Reflect On Your Mistakes During The Relationship
To convince your ex-girlfriend to come back, you’ll need to do a thorough job of self-reflecting.
And I’ll be honest, this can be fiendishly difficult without help. Many of my coaching clients struggle with in-depth self-reflection.
And it’s not hard to see why.
Your emotions are up and down. Your pride is wounded. You’re vulnerable. Lonely. Betrayed. Scared of what the future has to offer…and so done with having to “start all over” again.
All of these emotions act like blinders – and can lead you to the wrong conclusion. It’s all too easy to fall into the pattern of “coulda, woulda, shoulda”.
On top of this, no one gives you specific advice on what exactly you need to reflect on to stand a chance of winning her back – which is a tall order.
To address this, I’ve developed the IME framework. The IME framework is meant to help you identify the areas in your relationship where you may have come up short.
This framework is based on research by clinical psychologist Dr. Joanne Davila, which I’ve fleshed out with key themes I’ve observed over the last 5 years I’ve spent coaching
IME stands for:
- Insight – Insight encompasses awareness, understanding, and learning about yourself and your girlfriend, so you can recognize your needs, desires, motivations, and the potential consequences of your actions, so you can have a deeper, more rewarding relationship with your girlfriend.
- Mutuality – Mutuality emphasizes acknowledging and respecting both partners’ needs, effectively communicating and addressing them, and incorporating both perspectives in relationship decisions to foster a balanced and supportive partnership.
- Emotional Regulation – Emotional regulation involves managing feelings stemming from both relationship and external events, helping you maintain a consistent code of conduct, prevent impulsive reactions, and ultimately foster a healthier relationship dynamic.
We cover the IME framework in great detail in my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back, including several assessments so you can pinpoint the specific skills you need to work on. So I’ll be brief here, since this article is already quite wordy.
How To Reflect After A Breakup If You Want Her Back
Start with these questions:
- What do you need in a long-term partner, girlfriend, or wife?
- What were key areas you disliked about the relationship? Why?
- What negative parts of yourself did you bring into the relationship?
- Were you not as committed to her as you could’ve been? Why?
- Are there any patterns between this relationship / breakup and my past relationships?
- Were there patterns that caused trust issues?
- Where could you have “shown up” more for her?
- Were there any recurring complaints or arguments that kept coming up? How did you contribute to these?
- How good were you at communicating your needs to your ex-girlfriend?
- How well did you respond to her needs? Was it in a way she found respectful and supportive?
- Were you considerate and respectful of her opinion when making decisions?
- How well did you manage your anxiety while you were apart from her?
- Did you keep a cool head during arguements and stressful situations? Why or why not?
- Did stress from outside circumstances (work, death in the family, children, etc) frequently spill over into the relationship?
- How well do you handle discomfort and pain? Did she agree with how you’d cope?
Once you’ve considered your part in the relationship, you need to take some time to…
9: Reflect On Why She Ended The Relationship From Her Perspective
To reflect on your ex-girlfriend’s reasons for ending the relationship – you need to think about the big picture.
It’s easy to get over-focused on the last 2 or 3 months of the relationship – because those are the most recent.
This is a mistake.
When you over-focus on the events leading up to the breakup, you end up missing crucial details and long-term relationship patterns that make-or-break a relationship.
You’ll end up missing a lot of important details if you take this approach.
If you want to make amends and get your ex-girlfriend, being able to see the relationship from her perspective is critical.
Among other things, you will want to consider:
- Her recurring complaints throughout the relationship
- Her childhood – particularly her relationship with her parents or guardians.
- Her previous romantic relationships
- Her expectations of herself, her boyfriend, and her romantic relationships
- Her core values
- What her friends and family think of you
- How social pressure / conditioning influences her (this is a big one)
- What stage of life she’s at
- What she wants out of her future
Taken together, these pieces of her can help you get a more complete picture of why she chose to leave. They also offer critical clues to whether or not you can get her back.
- If you’re 42 and she is 26 – you may think she lost attraction to you. In truth – she just may not be ready to settle down yet.
- If you’re a hard-charging business or career guy and she’s relaxed and family oriented she may have thought you’d never slow down and be the family man she wanted.
- If she has a pattern of dating controlling, dominant and aggressive men – and you’re comparatively easy-going, and you defer to her – she may have left you because you don’t affirm her expectations of what a man should be
You may find it helpful to talk about this with a mutual friend – assuming you can trust that mutual friend to have your back throughout this trying situation.
Read More: The 6 Real Reasons She Broke Up With You
I do want to caution you though – it’s rarely one single thing that ends a relationship. More often than not it’s many small things over time. Moreover, even major differences in personality and values are often not the core issue.
The core issue often is far more nefarious: how you related to her.
10: Identify (And Fix) Sneaky Relationship Patterns That Contributed To The Breakup
The dirty secret is that your relationship probably did not end because she:
- Replaced you with another guy;
- Thought you weren’t physically attractive enough;
- Believed you weren’t successful enough for her;
- Is demanding or “high maintenance”
- Wants to “find herself” and be completely single;
- Is just “being difficult” or “stubborn” or “impulsive”
Look – even if she is dating someone else right now I promise you that the other guy is not the sole reason she broke up with you. He was just the the thing that pushed her over the edge.
How can I be so sure?
Long-term, emotionally committed relationships generally do not end because of one big event or a sudden change of heart. Rather, they die a death of a thousand cuts.
Just like a plant dies without consistent water, a relationship dies without consistent maintenance.
A growing body of relationship stability research by experts like Dr. John Gottman and Arthur Aron that support this point.
Dr. John Gottman’s “Golden Ratio” and Arthur Aron’s “36 Questions That Can Lead To Love” are two easy examples of this.
Unfortunately, toxic relationship patterns often get in the way of relationship maintenance.
Toxic relationship patterns make it difficult to maintain intimacy, friendship and love – so if you have one or more in your former relationship, it’s important to understand it so you can counter it if you get back together with your ex-girlfriend.
Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is one example.
But the dirty secret around anyone in the know is that even healthy relationships have elements of The 4 Horsemen occasionally. It’s the frequency that is more important.
Other problematic relationship patterns that can lead to a breakup include (but are not limited to):
Problematic Relationship Patterns That You Need To Be Aware Of If You Want Her Back
|Negative Relationship Pattern||Pattern Description||How It Can End Your Relationship|
|Overfunctioner-underfunctioner||The over-functioner under-functioner dynamic in a relationship is a pattern where one partner takes on more responsibility, control, and decision-making while the other partner takes on a more passive, dependent, and submissive role.|
The over-functioner tends to be more self-sufficient and has a tendency to take charge and handle tasks, while the under-functioner is more reliant on the other partner for support, guidance, and decision-making.
|The over-functioner/under-functioner dynamic can cause a breakup as it creates an imbalance of power and responsibilities within the relationship, leading to resentment and frustration for both partners. |
The over-functioner can become exhausted from taking on too much responsibility, while the under-functioner may feel suffocated by the other’s constant need to take charge.
This can lead to a breakdown in communication and a lack of intimacy which leads to relationship disatisfaction, resement, and even a breakup.
|Demand-withdrawal||The demand-withdrawal dynamic in relationships happens when one partner seeks change and resolution to issues, while the other avoids them.||The demand-withdrawal pattern creates a communication barrier, leading to frustration and resentment for both partners, eroding the relationship and causing feelings of depression and dissatisfaction. |
It’s also a strong predictor of a breakup with women more often being the “demanders” and men more often being “withdrawn”
|Pursuer-distancer||In a distancer-pursuer relationship, the pursuer seeks intimacy while the distancer feels smothered, leading to resistance and withdrawal; similar to the “demand-withdrawal” dynamic.||This pattern can lead to a breakup because the pursuer may feel rejected, unloved and unsupported, while the distancer may feel suffocated and controlled, leading to feelings of frustration and resentment for both partners. |
The constant cycle of the pursuer seeking intimacy and the distancer withdrawing can create a toxic dynamic that erodes the relationship over time, leading to dissatisfaction and ultimately, a breakup.
|Fear-shame||The fear-shame dynamic in a romantic relationship is an pattern where one partner’s fear or anxiety triggers shame-avoidant behavior in the other, and vice versa. |
The fear and shame vulnerability is influenced many factors, including hormone levels and trauma.
|The fear-shame dynamic can cause irrational, heated arguements, emotional disconnection, and decrease relationship quality without being addressed. |
Example: you’re trying to budget together. You see her spending ‘irresponsibly’ and try to control the spending because on some level, you feel ashamed that you aren’t providing for her. This makes her afraid of deprivation which makes her spend more.
|Dominant-submissive||In a dominant-submissive pattern, one partner wants to control the other’s behavior while the other partner agrees to be controlled just to keep the peace.||The dominant-submissive dynamic causes resentment for both partners. The submissive partner ends up feeling resentful and may distance themselves. |
Meanwhile, the dominant partner can end up feeling frustruated or lose attraction due to feeling like they’re doing “all” the relationship work.
|“Together” friendzone||The “together” friendzone is when you’re the perfect couple outside the house. You work well together, parent well – but there’s no spark of attraction. She feels more like a roomate or a best friend than a lover.||The “together” friendzone is another form of complacency. |
When you take your girlfriend for granted and stop dating her, showing her you care, and listening to her – attraction withers. Resentment builds.
Likewise, you may experience this too, from lack of sex, feeling taken advantage of, etc.
|Crowdsourced relationship||The crowdsourced relationship pattern is when you spend more time asking your friends and family for advice about your relationship and relationship issues than you do talking to your partner about them.||When one partner consistently turns to friends and family for advice instead of addressing issues with their partner directly, it can create a sense of betrayal or exclusion in the relationship. |
This can cause the other partner to feel unheard and unimportant, leading to resentment and distance in the relationship.
Once you’ve identified any problem relationship dynamics that may have contributed to your breakup, you need to go to work to understand why they occur, how they occur, and what you need to do to break them.
If you need more help, my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back has 4 different modules designed to address poor communication dynamics, as well as the power imbalance dynamics I’ve listed above.
Once you’ve got a handle on the good and the bad dynamics, it’s time to…
11: Become A High Value Man By Working On Yourself
The best way to make your ex-girlfriend want you back is to become a high-value man who has options on the dating market.
This is by far the best position to be in if you want to get back with your ex-girlfriend – because you’ll end up being happy whether you get her back or not.
If you get her back? Great! You can rebuild a relationship with the woman you love on equal terms, because you now have more to offer in the relationship.
If you don’t get her back? Great! You’ve got an awesome life that you love living, a sense of purpose, and now none of the single ladies are safe. Wrap it up, tiger.
As we’ll see in just a second, this concept is critically important.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
What is a high value man?
There are 7 key components to becoming a high-value man that will help you win your ex-girlfriend’s heart back:
- You operate from your masculine center
- You optimize your life for long-term, masculine happiness
- You develop your emotional intelligence (EQ)
- You practice outcome independence (more on this in a minute)
- You seek to understand first, judge second
- You realize time is your most valuable resource
- You cultivate a growth mindset
Go read the article I’ve linked for you above about what each area is.
Once you understand the 7 key areas, rate your level of satisfaction in each area between 1-10. There will likely be some areas you are stronger on than others.
For example, you may have strong emotional intelligence and a growth mindset, but you may lack a defined masculine center and rock-solid outcome independence.
Once you have your list laid out, your objective is to get your level of satisfaction in each area to at least a 7/10.
If you have multiple areas that are beneath a 7, here is the order I would address each area in if you want to get your ex back:
- You operate from your masculine center
- You seek to understand first, judge second
- You develop your emotional intelligence
- You practice outcome independence
- You optimize your life for long-term, masculine happiness
- You cultivate a growth mindset
- You realize time is your most valuable resource.
Now it may feel like you’ve got a lot of work to do and the uphill climb may feel daunting – especially when you desperately want your ex-girlfriend back and are suffering without her.
But here’s the thing: as cult leader Tony Robbins wisely said – progress does equal happiness.
If you’ve been stagnant for awhile, or if you were complacent during your relationship – now is the time to ratchet the dial up to 10. Masculine energy, and long-term masculine happiness are built on the hero’s journey.
The pleasure is not found in reaching the destination, but in the steps you take along the way to get there.
So stop feeling sorry for yourself, put your head down, and get to work.
If you want another resource, check out my article about the 8 ways you can work on yourself during no-contact that you can start right now.
You know what to do – so go and do it.
When you’re hard at work and staying consistent with no-contact you need to…
12: Be Prepared For When Your Ex-Girlfriend Reaches Out
There’s a good chance she will reach out to you at some point after the breakup.
I’m not guaranteeing that, but as I’ve said before: if you had a reasonably serious, emotionally committed relationship with your ex-girlfriend then she will miss you at some point after the breakup.
That can lead to her reaching out to ask how you’re doing.
Know that when she reaches out, you may feel:
- Anxious or “revved” up;
The list goes on. But as I talk about in Module 1 of The Fundamentals – you need to keep your emotions in check. By all means, feel them. But don’t let them dictate how you respond.
Many of my clients struggle with this – particularly when an ex reaches out.
They tend to make mistakes like:
- Getting into a long, drawn-out conversation with her over text
- Begging for another chance
- Getting used for ridiculous favors that are well outside the norm
- Overdoing it and sending her 3-4 messages for every 1 she sends
- Trying to be funny at the wrong time;
- Believing that you can re-attract her with text messages
- Unloading on her about how much you’ve missed her and how you love her so much
- Getting defensive, jealous or needy
- Believing that just because she checked in that she automatically wants you back
- Spending too much time letting her vent about all of her problems to you only for her to shut down when you try to do the same
And I get why this happens.
Many of the “ex-girlfriend recovery experts” overfocus on the message – that you need your ex-girlfriend back to be happy instead of focusing on long-term, masculine happiness with or without her like we talk about here.
You tend to handle pressure better when you have options.
Plus, it’s not like you get taught how to handle the confusing, conflicting, and often contradictory emotions you experience after a breakup in school.
So take it from me – the best thing you can do to avoid getting yourself into trouble is to have a plan. Your brain is a gigantic risk-prediction machine that stresses under uncertainty.
So reduce it.
Have a plan in place.
A plan doesn’t mean a whole swipe file worth of canned “conversation starters” that some dude wrote in his basement.
It means having a general idea of how you want to show up so you don’t wing it and let your emotions take over in the moment.
So what should you do when she reaches out if you want her back?
There are two things you need to do when she reaches out after no-contact if you want her back:
- Have a brief, warm and friendly conversation so you can figure out why she reached out and then…
- Invite her to meet up with you in person (preferably at your place)
How do you figure out what your ex-girlfriend wants when she reaches out after? Read the article I have linked below.
Read More: The 4 Reasons Why Your Ex Girlfriend Reaches Out And How To Respond
No long, drawn out sequences where you progress from texting -> calling – > video calls or any of that.
Keep Texting To A Minimum With Your Ex-Girlfriend
Why is this so important to keep texting to a minimum and focus on quality, face-to-face interaction in person?
I could point to this study that seems to show that the more often you text your girlfriend, the less satisfied and stable she feels your relationship is.
Instead, I’m coming in from the top rope like I’m the bastard stepchild of Kevin Samuels (RIP) & Macho Man Randy Savage with one question:
“What would a high-value man do?”
Take a minute to answer that question. Imagine you’re a man who:
- Has a clear and actionable purpose that gives your life meaning;
- Is working towards a life that you want, not a life that was chosen or dictated to you;
- Wants to use your limited time on this earth to do something good – something meaningful;
- Is completely outcome independent – where you’re happy whether you get her back or not
- Is working to cultivate deep, meaningful connections with business contacts, friends, family, and women
Do you think that version of you in the future wants you to waste time in an extended back-and-forth that’s emotionally painful, anxiety-provoking, and damaging to your recovery?
Or would you rather get right to the point with no bullshit?
I’ll let you be the judge of that.
This isn’t an excuse to be mean, rude, or even cold to her.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that you still love her. You have the strength to treat her with compassion even if she hurt you.
However, a high value man also loves himself.
Do you really want to waste your time if she’s not serious?
If she says no to the date – you know where you stand and you can return to no-contact accordingly.
For more help on this topic, I recommend you read the article below.
Read More: What To Do When Your Ex-Girlfriend Reaches Out During No Contact
13: Have A Plan To Handle Meeting Up With Her
Once you’ve pitched the date and your ex-girlfriend wants to see you, you should have a plan in place for when she comes to hang out.
If you freestyle it – you may get nervous and do or say something that makes her uncomfortable.
Generally speaking, when your ex-girlfriend agrees to meet up it means she has missed your presence since the breakup and wants to talk to you, be with you, and catch up. It also can indicate that she wants to get back together with you.
If you want her back, it’s a good idea to meet up with your ex-girlfriend in person so you can figure out where you stand. You want to have a plan in place to do this.
A Simple Plan to Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back by Having Her Come Over
And by plan, I don’t mean a “carefully” scripted series of events that makes you look like a robot. What I mean is a general understanding of what you want to do when you see her and what you want to avoid.
Here’s what I reccomend:
- Have the date at your place if possible where you get together to cook dinner
- If she does not want to meet at your place – take her somewhere exciting where she hasn’t been before.
- Keep the date short – ideally 1.5 hours or less
- Show her that you’ve changed (more on this in a second)
- Focus on listening to her – by asking questions and being interested
- Don’t discuss the breakup, but do tell her you’d like to sit down and talk in the future
If you want more information, check out my comprehensive guide on handling dates with your ex-girlfriend down below.
Read More: The Complete Guide To Meeting Up With Your Ex-Girlfriend
14: Show Your Ex-Girlfriend You’ve Changed (Without Telling Her)
Many corners of the internet are painted with similar, generic and off-base advice that encourages you to “communicate” how much you’ve changed. Whether that’s flexing on Instagram, leveraging mutual friends, or just outright telling her you’ve changed when you meet up with her (AKA lying).
But if you really want to show her that your relationship will be different this time – you want to show her the change instead of telling her. Why?
- You build (or rebuild) trust with her through consistent reliable behavior over time several studies show. As Dr. John Gottman famously says “Trust is built in the smallest moments”.
- She’s more likely to trust you if you’ve demonstrated trustworthy behavior in the past, as opposed if you claim you’ve made (or will make) changes in the future;
- Showing her the change demonstrates commitment – which is a critical part of rebuilding your relationship
- We also tend to be skeptical of promises or verbal assurances, while action comes across as sincere and more convincing.
As I’ve said before, she needs to believe the relationship will be different this time for her to give you a chance. And if you want to stay together long-term, it actually needs to be different.
Thus the key is to show – not tell.
And I get it – you can’t show her everything – not at once and nor should you even try.
If anything – this is not specific advice on how to get your ex-girlfriend back so much as a general framework of behavior.
You’re not trying to act like you’re a completely different person. You’re attempting to show her that you thought about the breakup, thought about your role in it, and have decided to make changes because of her.
It’s going to be difficult for me to give you specific advice on how to show, don’t tell without knowing more details about your personal situation.
Here are some (overly general) examples:
If you were needy during the relationship which turned her off you might stop always being available for her, or constantly pushing for closeness when she wants some space.
If communication was an issue during the relationship you might practice active listening, and de-escalation techniques during an argument, or better yet actually follow through on what you say you are going to do.
If you frequently fought during the relationship you might control your temper if she gets into an argument with her.
If you want more specific advice, book a coaching session with me so I can get context and actually make an effective recommendation.
How Do You Show Your Ex-Girlfriend You’ve Changed If You’re In No-Contact?
My answer to this is simple: be patient.
While it’s possible you will never hear from her again, you will likely get more than one opportunity to show her. This could include:
- If she reaches out to ask you for a favor;
- If you have unresolved breakup logistics;
- If you share children;
- If you happen to run into her while you’re out living your life;
- If you work together or go to school together;
- If your mutual friends or family keep her informed on your progress;
Your job is not to worry about whether or not she knows that you’ve changed. Your job is to actually live the change and then be prepared to show up as the new you when you get the opportunity.
If you show up consistently, it’s possible she’ll start to fall in love with you again. In that case, you want to…
15: Know The 15 Signs That Your Ex-Girlfriend Wants You Back
As a disclaimer: this list is not exhaustive, nor is it intended to be completely predictive. The whole point of a list of signs she wants you back like this is to make you aware.
I do want to make it clear – you should not read into any of these signs that your ex-girlfriend wants you back. The most reliable judge of how she feels about you is her behavior.
This is stuff like:
- If she initiates conversation with you – and is responsive when you talk to her;
- Willingness to be around you during social situations (no cold shoulder);
- Desire to meet up and go on dates;
- Desire to directly discuss the relationship;
Unfortunately, a lot of breakups are ambiguous – you fall into this weird, in-between stage where you’re clearly more than friends but less than lovers.
In The Fundamentals, this is what I call Stage 2: The Exploration Phase.
The purpose of the signs below are to encourage you while you navigate whether or not getting back together with her makes sense, and to evaluate whether or not she’s interested (or if she’s just stringing you along)
15 Signs Your Ex-Girlfriend Wants You Back
- She apologizes for the breakup – out of nowhere
- She stays in your physical orbit
- She finds small ways to demonstrate her affection
- She compliments you (for no reason)
- She overcompensates (and acts differently)
- She shares her future plans (and is curious about yours)
- She reaches out, but backs off when you push too hard
- She goes from warm and affectionate, to cold and distant when you act needy
- She’ll meet up with you but won’t talk about getting back together
- She gets angry at you
- She’s giving you mixed messages
- She’s uncomfortable when other women are around you
- She wants to be friends first and then see what happens
- She tests your boundaries
- She indirectly seeks your approval
If you want to learn more about each of these signs, check out the in-depth article that covers each of these linked down below.
Read More: 15 Telling Signs Your Ex-Girlfriend Wants You Back (But Is Scared)
16: Practice Outcome Independence To Re-Attract Her
Outcome independence is a mindset where you’re not attached to a particular outcome or a result in any given situation. As I’ve written about before – outcome independence in dating is a superpower.
If you want to win your ex-girlfriend back, it’s equally critical.
Outcome independence is vital when trying to get your ex-girlfriend back because it helps you to avoid engaging in behaviors that are desperate, needy, or clingy, which can push your ex-girlfriend further away.
But many of my clients do exactly the opposite. They:
- Beg and plead for a second chance
- Use guilt or manipulation to try to change her mind
- Constantly reach out with one text message after another
- Get jealous or possessive when she’s dating another guy
- Act passive-aggressive, or treat her with cold and callous disdain
- Promise to make sweeping changes in mere days or weeks
- Bend over backward to do outrageous favors
- Show up at their ex-girlfriend’s house or place of business unannounced
- Torture themselves through social media stalking
On the other hand, when you are outcome independent you are able to emotionally detach yourself from your breakup – and remind yourself that your life isn’t going to end if you don’t get her back.
You can see the bigger picture – assuming you do the work, you’re going to experience a life of long-term, masculine happiness whether or not your ex-girlfriend comes back.
In other words, it doesn’t matter if:
- She acts hot and cold
- She stops contacting you
- She’s dating another guy
- She’s out having fun with her friends
- She tells you how horrible you are – or how you have no chance
When you adopt this mindset you can approach her from a position of strength and confidence as opposed to desperation, fear, and neediness.
And when you do it right – it pays dividends as you can see below.
How To Develop Outcome Independence
Outcome independence comes from deeds, not thoughts.
Practice action on these 6 steps and you’ll see your outcome independence grow.
- Start by accepting the reality of your situation – the relationship has ended and even with resources like this and my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back – the only thing you can guarantee is your effort. There’s no guarantee she will come back.
- Rally your support system – your friends, family, and activity buddies to remind you that there’s more to life outside of your relationship with her
- Cultivate abundance – whether that’s an abundance of self-care, fitness, money, generosity, or friendship – whatever it is. When you have more of something than you could ever possibly need, you’re in a position of strength
- Practice negative visualization – This stoic technique encourages you to see the worst-case outcome over and over until it becomes painless and your fear dissipates.
- Get enough sleep – When you’re tired, it’s a lot easier to give in to fear instead of separating yourself from the situation.
- Meet new women – You don’t even have to date them / have sex with them – but just knowing you have options with women takes the pressure off your ex-girlfriend as the only source of feminine companionship
There’s an even better way though.
Cultivate a mission and purpose for your life that’s bigger than her and your relationship with her.
We talk about this concept extensively in The Fundamentals. When you develop your purpose and mission, your world expands.
Expansion = abundance.
Abundance = outcome independence.
Read More: Let Her React To You If You Want Her Back
Once you’ve developed a solid sense of outcome independence, you’ll be able to…
17: Let Your Ex-Girlfriend Come Back To You At Her Own Pace
The best way to get your ex-girlfriend back fast is to stop worrying about how long it’s going to take to get her back.
Easy to say, hard to do. Being patient with your ex-girlfriend as you give her time to reflect on you and on the relationship is maddening.
The fear, the anxiety, and the yawning chasm of loneliness often compel us to need to take some action – any action at all – to save the relationship.
A couple of weeks ago, I published an article on “How Long Will It Take Me To Get My Ex-Girlfriend Back?” This article shared the results of a survey I conducted at the beginning of COVID-19 to answer the aforementioned question:
Based on a survey of 260 men, it takes an average of 3.46 months to get back together with your ex-girlfriend after a breakup. 77% of men in my survey reconciled with their ex-girlfriends within 4 months of breaking up.
Within 2 hours of publishing this article, I had a dozen panicked emails in my inbox – men that were worried they were out of time.
These guys rarely get a second chance – you’ll see why in just a minute.
On the other hand, take a look at what happens when you are patient and realize you have all the time in the world.
When you’re in a rush to find the fastest way to get your ex-girlfriend back before she forgets about you and moves on – your risk of chasing her away goes through the roof.
How can I be so sure? Put yourself in her shoes for a second:
- She made the decision to break up with you – do you think she really made that decision as a spur-of-the-moment impulse? Do you really think she’s going to change her mind about you in the same way?
- How do you think it will look to her if you’re in a mad scramble to do or say something to change her mind – after she made the decision?
- Do you think she’ll miss you if you’re constantly reaching out to her every 4 days?
- Do you think she’ll trust you and feel safe with you if you can’t stomach the thought of being without her?
- Do you think she’ll feel guilty if you keep reminding her how much she hurt you?
Think about it.
You’ve made it this far. Will not respecting her decision in a mad scramble to get her back really make her want to get back together with you?
If you think the answer is yes, then please go directly to jail and do not collect $200.
If you know better – here’s what you need to do instead.
If the answer is no – then you know what you need to do.
Don’t be in a rush to get her back. Stop worrying about how long this is going to take. That’s outcome dependence.
If you extend the time horizon long enough – eventually you are either:
- Going to get her back
- Get over her completely – to the point where you don’t want her back
It might take you a while. I’ve written before about how it may take some men up to 2.38 years to recover from the breakup.
But given enough time, it will happen.
But enough about that already. How can you let her come back to you at her own pace?
I’m glad you fucking asked.
How To Be Aggressively Patient With Your Ex-Girlfriend
To be aggressively patient is a philosophy. It’s a way of thinking as much as it is a way of acting.
To think patiently means to:
- Consistently remind yourself that you’ll be OK with or without her
- Think about your long-term plans, not your short-term desires (or impulses)
- Not read into single events like a warm text, or a positive first date and instead follow patterns of behavior with your ex-girlfriend
- Remind yourself of your values, your mission, and your code (AKA your masculine center)
- Keep in mind that giving her space can have a positive effect on attraction
- Realize that her acting hot and cold – or being distant does not mean you’re unworthy of love or unlovable
- Know that there are, statistically, many other women you can have a deep, rewarding relationship with
To act aggressively patient you must:
- Not force a date, interaction, or conversation. If she’s uncomfortable – back off.
- Not constantly text, call, or pursue her after the breakup – even if you’re afraid that date will pass when she’ll move on without you
- Focus on yourself and your outcomes – not how she is behaving or treating you
- Consistently act on your values and code – even when it’s hard
- Be able to resist your impulses to contact her
- Avoid jealousy if she’s seeing another guy
- Assume she is gone for good so you accept the breakup and work to truly move on
Being patient is a good thing – because it takes time to get back together with your ex.
That’s why in my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back, I’ll teach you to…
18: Understand The 3 Stages Of Getting Back Together With Your Ex-Girlfriend
By now you’ve probably heard a million different times that to really get your ex-girlfriend back you’re going to start a new relationship with her and leave the old one behind.
It’s a nice way to look at reconciliation in theory, but in practice, this idea of “starting over” ignores the reality you’ll face when you try to get her back.
There are a number of challenges in your way – ignore these at your own peril if you want her back.
For one – the “spark” that may have initially drawn you together won’t be as strong. She’s not going to overlook your red flags a second time because of the overwhelming pull of new relationship energy.
On top of that…
- Damaged trust has to be rebuilt
- Communication needs to be re-established the right way, at the right pace
- Frayed intimacy must be rekindled slowly
- She may be dating other men instead of only focused on you
- She’ll likely act hot and cold
- She’ll be on high-alert for any mistakes – or signs that you haven’t changed
The fact is, you’re not starting from zero.
I’ve observed that most couples go through 3 stages when they are trying to get back together.
These stages are:
1: The Groundwork Stage – where you focus on yourself and rebuild your life, your confidence, and your purpose.
2: The Exploration Stage – where you re-engage with your ex-girlfriend in a respectful, non-needy way and see how you feel about her after you’ve done the work.
3: The Reconciliation Stage – where you explore getting back together for the long haul, including what it takes to rebuild the communication, trust, and intimacy needed for a successful long-term relationship
Each of these stages comes with its own objectives, challenges, and skills that you need to practice.
Knowing where you’re at in the process helps you stay the course and continue to focus on yourself without worrying about what comes next.
If you need more help with these 3 stages, as well as a step-by-step framework for how to move through them, then you know what I’m going to tell you.
Discover that framework (and so much more) in the Fundamentals – my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back.
And as an aside, I want to be clear: even with The Fundamentals, getting your ex-girlfriend back is not easy. It’s almost always going to be easier to build a relationship with a new woman.
Keep that in mind.
Now let’s switch gears.
Bonus: Know The 18 Ways To Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back That Will Certainly Fail
As I’ve said before, getting your ex-girlfriend back is as much about knowing what you need to do, as what you need to avoid.
Now let’s talk about 18 ways to get your back that will most certainly fail and end up pushing your ex-girlfriend further away.
Because this article is already so fucking long, I’m going to get right down to the point.
1: Trying To Change Her Mind
“Coach, how do I convince my ex-girlfriend to come back?”
I get a varation of this question daily.
Making the decision to end a committed, loving relationship is rarely easy. It takes time, deliberation, and requires strength and committment.
Once your girlfriend has reached the point where she’s made up her mind – it’s going to be hard to change it – because of the 3 key cognitive biases I talk about in my article on why you cannot chase her after a breakup.
Trying to change her mind by arguing with her, or using guy logic will leave her feeling unheard, unseen, and resentful. It may also make her feel guilty – which is the last thing you want if you want to get back with her.
Speaking of trying to change her mind…
2: Chasing Her
It’s easy to think that you need to re-double your effort and “fight to get her back” or something like that to get her back.
It’s the illusion of action I mentioned before.
Whether that means:
- Going out of your way to show her how much you love her
- Blowing up her phone with needy texts or calls
- Sending her love letters to get her back
- Showing up at her house or work unannounced (AKA stalking)
You get the idea.
Instead of chasing her, you should be focused on yourself while you give her the space to come to you when, and if she wants to.
When you chase her, all you do is further confirm she was right to dump you.
It crushes any attraction that might be left over.
And it can even make her feel guilty for hurting you – which can make her avoid you even more.
Do you really want that?
With that in mind, you don’t want to do the exact opposite of chase by…
3: Walking Away Without Having A Conversation
Awhile back, I worked with a pilot who wanted my help to get his ex-girlfriend back.
When I asked him how long ago his breakup had happened, he replied with:
“I don’t know if we ever actually broke up. It’s been about two weeks. We got into a big arguement and I decided to walk away. She never said anything about breaking up”.
Newsflash: unless she has outright told you “please do not contact me again” you should try to have a conversation with her at least once or twice. It likely won’t change anything if her mind is made up – but it will give you at least some clarity.
Conversation, communication, and understanding are pillars of every healthy relationship restart. If you don’t know where she’s coming from, your chances of getting her back aren’t great.
With that in mind, if she’s refused to speak with you more than twice, stop asking.
You also need to avoid…
4: Assuming “Love Is All You Need” To Bring Back Your Ex-Girlfriend
Love is not all you need to get her back.
In my article “Love Is Not Enough: Why She Loves You But Doesn’t Want To Be With You” I identified the 5 relationship characteristics and 5 personality traits that best predict overall relationship quality.
The 5 relationship characteristics that best predict relationship quality are:
- Percieved partner committment
- Sexual satisfaction
- Percieved partner satisfaction
The 5 personal characteristics that best predict relationship quality:
- Life satisfaction
- Negative affect (how often and how intensely you experience negative emotions)
- Attachment avoidance
- Attachment anxiety
Notice how “love” is not mentioned on either?
From this article we get a formula of sorts for relationship satisfaction:
A High-Quality Relationship Is One That Is:
- High in percieved committment (which means follow through/proper relationship maintenance)
- Full of consistent appreciation (acknowlegement, praise, and recognition)
- Sexually considerate (are you giving as much as you are recieving in bed? What about foreplay that starts outside the bedroom?)
- High in percieved partner satisfaction (are you showing her that she’s doing a good job?)
- Collaborative with conflict (are you working through conflicts in a healthy way?)
- Made up of two people who are happy with their lives
- Low in negative emotions such as jealousy, anger, sadness etc
- Mostly free of depression
- Low in attachment avoidance (which means neither partner pushes the other away)
- Low in attachment anxiety (which means the love is secure and not coming from a place of fear)
Love alone isn’t going to make any of those things possible.
Don’t leave it up to chance and assume that love is going to be enough. Relationships take work.
So do it.
5: Acting Aloof And Dismissive Around Your Ex-Girlfriend
Acting cold, dismissive and aloof around is one of of the worst tips to win your ex-girlfriend back.
Yet I see varations of this all over the internet.
Acting aloof and dismissive around your ex-girlfriend is not a recommended strategy if you want to rebuild a healthy relationship with her.
This type of behavior can create confusion and negative feelings, making it more difficult to repair the relationship.
On top of that – you send mixed signals to her which can be taken as disinterest or even hostility. This can lead her to feel frustruated, rejected, or hurt.
Plus – your ex-girlfriend may see your smoke and mirrors act for what it is: fear, and a crippling amount of insecurity about your value as a man after she rejected you.
Don’t be that guy.
When you’re around her, you want to be warm but reserved.
Treat her like a gentleman.
Don’t dismiss her or pretend like you don’t care.
It’s a fine balance to strike, but one you need to strike well.
On the opposite end of the spectrum of mistakes that will push your ex-girlfriend away is…
6: Showing Her How Much You Miss Her
It’s normal for you to miss your ex-girlfriend after the breakup.
Related: A Reminder If You Miss Your Ex-Girlfriend
More than just the physical abscense of her presence, it’s like a piece of you is missing. Like the breakup took something from you that you won’t be able to get back.
Feeling this way does not mean you’re weak or that you’re doing something wrong in the breakup recovery process. If anything, it shows that you are an emotionally healthy man who has the ability to pair-bond and love deeply.
Part of loving deeply is the ability to “speak from the heart” and a willingness to be vulnerable around your girlfriend. To express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions freely with her.
While this self-disclosure is healthy in an intact romantic relationship – it’s not the best choice if you want to get your ex-girlfriend back.
Constantly expressing your emotions or trying to persuade her to take you back may come across as needy or desperate, and could actually push her further away.
On top of that – sharing how much you miss her can make her feel guilty which can make her hesitant to rebuild your connection.
While it’s okay to briefly admit you miss her if she asks you, you should not be pressuring her with this information by constantly telling her how terrible your life is without her.
7: Waiting For Your Ex-Girlfrind When She Says “I Want to Get Back Together In The Future”
If your goal is to live a life of long-term, masculine happiness – you should never wait on a woman who is unwilling or unable to be in a relationship with you.
When you wait – you stay stuck. You stagnate.
Instead of waiting for her, respect her decision.
It’s not romantic to wait for her. I know you think she wants you to wait.
But trust me – she doesn’t.
I’ve written about this before in my article on why you shouldn’t wait if your ex-girlfriend tells you she wants to get back together in the future.
Read it if you want more of my thoughts on why this is one of the worst ways to get your ex-girlfriend back.
8: Using A Shared Trip To Try To Get Back With Your Ex-Girlfriend
“Coach, we booked this vacation together before the breakup and it’s coming up. She hasn’t said anything about canceling it. Should I still go on the trip with her and try to win her back?”
And here’s where it gets tricky, for some couples a post-breakup vacation can breathe life back into the relationship. I’ve had numerous clients tell me that a quick skii trip or a two-week eurojaunt helped breath life into their relationship once again.
But chances are, it’s likely a mistake to go on a vacation with your ex-girlfriend to get her back.
- Caused primarily by stress spillover from outside the relationship, boredom, or lack of intimacy;
- Amicable with no bad blood;
AND the trip:
- Involves a shared purpose, hobby, or passion
- Has already been planned and paid for
- Is something you would happily go on alone
If that does not describe your breakup or your trip – you are better off canceling the trip if you want to get back together with her. Why is this the right move?
If your breakup wasn’t amicable, the trip itself is likely going to be tense and awkward. Unclear expectations may lead to frustration, confusion, and misunderstandings. Even worse, it can exacerbate the problems that caused the breakup – one or both of you to do something you regret.
Plus – if the logistics aren’t coordinated – you have to negotiate with her. Do you think that’s a good idea in the state that you’re in? That’s she in?
How do you think she’ll react if you are trapped together in a foreign country? Do you think that pressure will help your relationship?
Suffice to say – it’s a mistake to take your ex-girlfriend on a vacation with the intention of getting her back.
9: Consuming Too Much Free Advice On How To Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back
There are three problems with going down the “ex-back” rabbithole on Google or YouTube.
- When you try 15 different systems to get your ex-girlfriend back you diminish the chances that any of them will actually work;
- Consuming too much ex-back material at once can give you unrealistic expectations about getting her back;
- Many ex-back coaches teach pseudoscience – others sell outright lies that can harm your recovery process;
So here’s my advice – because I know you are going to continue to read and watch.
Pick no more than 2-3 qualified coaches/creators/websites that you want to learn from and stick to those sources of information.
Limit your consumption of this material to no more than 1 hour a day.
I know it helps you feel less alone. I know it helps you feel better in the moment.
But if you want to feel better in the long-term, and you actually want to stand a chance of re-attracting your ex-girlfriend – stop consuming information and start acting on what you do have.
So – who do I recommend avoiding?
Stay away from:
- Matthew Hussy
- Alexandre Cormont
- Dan Bacon
- Chris Canwell
- Brad Browning
- Chris Seiter
- Clay Andrews
As far as people I recommend as qualified sources of information to help you get your ex-girlfriend back besides myself:
- Dr. John Gottman: Evidence based research on relationships
- Dr. Gary Chapman: Evidence based research on communication & love
- Coach Craig Kenneth: Good background of evidence based psychology and support
- Max Jancar: Good advice for breakups for men and women
- Corey Wayne: Better for short term relationships
Assuming you follow the right information you won’t have a problem with…
10: Saying The Wrong Things (Or Texting Her Too Much)
As we’ve talked about already – your actions matter more than your words when you want to re-attract her back.
However – your words matter too.
And a lot of the time it’s just as much about what you don’t say as what you do.
In my article “17 Vital Things To Say To Your Ex To Get Her Back (+17 To Avoid)” I identified a number of the things you absolutely should not say if you want to get her back
- Please take me back / I’ll do anything to save this relationship
- You’ll regret this!
- Let’s be friends (more on that in a minute)
- I thought you were different
- I refuse to do [insert breakup logistics]
- I can’t believe you did [insert bad relationship behavior]
- Are you dating someone else?
- Did you ever really love me?
- That’s not what happened.
- I’ll never stop loving you
- I’ll wait for you, as long as it takes
- You were always such a [insert negative generalization]
- I’ve changed!
- I want to give you the freedom to choose
- I’m wondering if you really are the one for me
- I wish I’d never met you
- I’m going to [insert threat/expression of anger]
Go read the article if you want a more in-depth explanation.
And make it a point to eliminate all of these phrases from your vocabulary if you want her back.
11: Agreeing To Be Friends With Your Ex-Girlfriend To Win Her Back
Being friends with your ex-girlfriend is surely better than not talking to her at all, right?
At least this way, you can slowly get your ex-girlfriend back while you work on yourself.
What could go wrong?
If you want to get her back or get over her – a lot of shit can go wrong. You almost always end up paying a heavy price – emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
And the worst part – you’re more than likely not going to get her back.
There are 7 key reasons why you want to sidestep the friendzone:
- Being friends right away makes it impossible to move on
- The friend zone destroys your confidence and masculine energy
- Conflicting emotions make it difficult to re-attract her
- Being her friend when you want her back can further damage her trust in you
- If you agree to friendship, she never gets a chance to miss you
- You make yourself emotionally unavailable to other women
- Your “friendship” will make it a hell of a lot harder to focus on yourself
If you want to learn why each of these is a mistake (and better yet) what you can do instead, check out my article linked below.
Read More: 7 Reasons Being Friends With Your Ex-Girlfriend To Get Her Back Is A Mistake
Read More: The Myth Of Friends With Benefits WIth Your Ex-Girlfriend
12: Rushing To Get Her Back Right After The Breakup
By now, you should know why rushing to get back together with her right after the breakup is a bad idea.
For one, you need time to get through survival mode and reflect on the relationship before re-entering a relationship with her.
Secondly – you need to be patient and let her come back to you at her own pace.
When you try to force yourself into her life -especially if she’s on the fence about you- you’re likely going to scare her away.
You’ve got nothing but time.
Read More: It Takes Time, Be Patient and Enjoy The Ride
13: Rubbing Other Women You’re Dating In Her Face
This falls under the “psychological” manipulation tactics
You drop an Instagram story – with a girl lurking in the background or just far enough out of view that your ex-girlfriend can see you aren’t alone without knowing who the girl is.
And look, I get it. Your ex-girlfriend just ripped your heart out and it’s fucking maddening to think that she’s somehow winning the breakup. So you want to get a cheap shot in to make yourself feel better with the hope that it’ll make her jealous.
After all – if she’s jealous, she’ll definitely come back.
I’ve got news for you: broadcasting your activities with other women to your ex-girlfriend is one of the worst ways to get her back. Why?
- It can damage your chances of reconciliation: What do you expect she’s going to think if you’re flashing a new woman everywhere? She’s going to think you’ve moved on and if she happens to have regrets she may not contact you.
- It makes you look petty: Pretending to “move on” when you’re a mess inside is foolish. It makes you look jealous, petty, and like you can’t be alone.
- You look like an asshole to any woman you’re dating: Do you think the woman caught in the middle of you and your ex-girlfriend wants to be a pawn in your game? No. You look like a user and loser.
- It’s disrespectful: Even if there are no rules to this shit, rubbing a new woman in her face can make it harder for her to grieve as well. Regardless of how she hurt you – do you really want to do that to a woman you love?
- It’s not productive: You’re not supposed to be focused on making her feel jealous. Instead, you’re trying to take care of yourself.
Yes – by all means dive headfirst into the ocean of poon that’s out there now that you’re single. Go on dates. Have sex if you want to. See if the grass is really greener on the other side.
But for the love of all that is good and holy, if you want to re-attract her down the road, keep those activities to yourself.
Remember the old adage: a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.
Read More: The Comprehensive Guide To Dating After A Breakup
14: Treating Everything As A Sign That She Wants You Back
Not everything is a sign that she wants to get back together or that she’s second guessing her decision to break up with you.
Instead of looking for signs that your ex-girlfriend wants you back, slow the fuck down and think big picture.
Does one friendly text after months of no-contact mean that she wants to get back together with you?
Does her unblocking you on Instagram mean she wants you to look?
Does her giving you the cold shoulder mean she’s completely done with you?
My point is – the most reliable gauge of how your ex-girlfriend feels is her general pattern of behavior. Don’t drive yourself crazy by reading into every little signal as a sign of romantic interest.
It’s one thing if she texts you once out of the blue or gives you back your stuff.
Same thing if she goes on one or two dates with you.
Even if you hook up.
Fuck signs, focus on patterns.
Keep a long-term mindset – one or two signs don’t mean she wants you back. On the other hand if she is repeatedly and consistently showing you she’s interested over time – that is a much better indicator that she wants to get back together.
Approach the situation with a realistic, outcome independent mindset. Treating everything as a sign she wants you back only sets you up for false hope that can make it more difficult.
15: Trying To Get Your Ex-Girlfriend Back With Text Messages
Yes – texting your ex-girlfriend is part of getting her back.
You do want to have a solid texting strategy that:
- Reinforces your key messages
- Helps you break down her walls
- Validates her feelings
- Clarifies why she’s reaching out
But using text messages alone to re-attract her to you is a mistake.
Remember: the key message you want to communicate to her is that you want to be in a romantic relationship with her.
What does it tell her if you’re willing to accept less than that to be text buddies?
Besides that, texting lacks the emotional depth of a face-to-face conversation, on top of increasing the likelihood of a miscommunication or misunderstanding because of an inability to read body language and facial cues.
Instead of getting into a long back-and-forth with your ex-girlfriend over text, if she wants to talk, meet up with her in person.
16: Using Gifts Or Other Grand Gestures To Win Back Her Affection
Getting your ex-girlfriend is one of the worst ways to get her back because it comes across as a bribe. Whether that’s a bribe for love, a bribe for closure, or a bribe to keep her thinking of you.
Grand gestures like vacations, expensive jewelry, or big favors fall into this category as well.
This includes stuff like:
- Sending her flowers / chocolates
- Writing long and sappy love letters
- Lending her a bunch of money
- Sending christmas /valentines day / birthday / graduation gifts
- Letting her use her car
- Letting her stay in your house with no plan to move out
- Flying her on your private plane
- Expensive, elaborate vacations
Why do gifts not work?
- They can make her feel uncomfortable. She might feel guilty, or conflicted because taking the gift comes with pressure to get back together which is exactly the last thing you want if you want her back.
- Gifts don’t show change. If she told you that you don’t appreciate her, a grand gesture of a gift is the perfect way to show her otherwise – right? Wrong. All it shows her is that you’re willing to do something now. But where was the action months ago?
- Gifts come across as a bribe. If you haven’t addressed the underlying issues and are trying to get her back with gifts – it can make her think you’re not serious about fixing the relationship and are just selfish and want her back so you don’t hurt.
The only way gifts or grand gestures are going to work is if your ex-girlfriend is a serial gold digger and she broke up with you because you weren’t spending enough money on her.
If that’s the kind of relationship you want, by all means – gift away.
Speaking of relationship types to avoid, another relationship type mistake you must avoid is…
17: Trying To Rebuild A Long Distance Relationship
It’s not my place to judge what makes you happy.
But my two-cents?
Long distance relationships are not fucking worth it if your goal is long-term masculine happiness.
Your long-distance girlfriend is not your girlfriend. She’s your fucking pen pal.
If you’re separated for a bit because of work, circumstances, or what have you – that’s one thing. But if you perpetually live apart where it’s an exercise to see one another – that’s not the formula for long-term, masculine happiness.
If one or both of you moved away, or if there’s no plan to be close together – you should treat your long-distance relationship breakup as final.
For your own sake – find someone that lives closer to you that you can share your life with, instead of sharing a screen.
18: Believing You Will Get Her Back Without Doing The F***ing Work
Waiting for your ex-girlfriend to come back on her own may seem like the best way to get her back but it’s not the best approach. If you want to get her back and restore your relationship, doing nothing is a mistake.
And I get why you want to wait.
Everywhere you look, the prevailing message is always “give it time”.
And here’s the truth…giving it time will make handling the pain of the break up easier. But just giving it time will not:
- Help you get her back
- Recover from the breakup
Whether you want her back, or you want to feel better – you want to take control of your situation and be proactive about reconciliation.
So why is sitting on your hands and waiting for her to come back a mistake?
- You have no control: When you wait for your ex-girlfriend to come back, you’re basically putting your life – and your future happiness on her timeline. Fuck that! When you follow what I teach here or in the Fundamentals and you focus on moving on, you’ll start to feel in control of your situation again. Guess what taking control does for your confidence?
- Rebuilding a relationship takes work: Relationships take work, and they take skills. If you are lacking in key relationship skills such as insight, mutuality, and emotional regulation you are gonna have a hell of a time renewing your relationship. But you don’t have to wait for her to come back to build these skills. You can start building them right now, so if she does come back you’ll be prepared to act.
- You’re less likely to get her back: if she comes back and you’re exactly the same person as you are right now, what do you think is going to happen? The same disagreements, and the same breakup.
- Once you do the work you may realize you don’t want her back: This happens a hell of a lot more often than you’d expect. I have clients who realize this on a daily basis.
So don’t fucking sit on your hands.
Use this guide, and grab your copy of the Fundamentals and get to work.
TLDR: Focus On The 18 Right Ways To Get Her Back & Avoid The 18 Ineffective Ways If You Want Her Back
That’s all I’ve got for you today.
If you haven’t yet, make sure you bookmark this guide and use it as a reference.
If you like this type of long-form, in-depth “how-to” type content, you definitely want to pick up my guide on how to get your ex-girlfriend back – the fundamentals.
It’s like this guide…on steroids with daily action items to bring you closer to a future where you’re outcome independent and in the hunt – to get her back or get over her completely.
It’s 16 modules of daily actionable content packed to the brim with:
- My best communication strategies to break through her walls
- The 7 principles you need to re-attract her
- How to set aside your anger so you can practice compassion and empathy
- How to resolve the unsolved issues that ended your relationship
- What to do to overcome your fear of rejection
- How to mend codependent behavior in a relationship
- Tips to rebuild attraction without using gimmicky PUA lines or bullshit
- How to develop your masculine center for maximum outcome independence
And so much more.
And for a limited time, it’s only $49 dollars.
I’ll see you inside!
Talk soon my friend,
PS: Every purchase helps support me so I can put out more ass-kicking comprehensive content like this to help you along the way.