I spend a lot of time talking about what to do after a breakup, and I realized that I don’t spend enough time talking about what NOT to do after a breakup.
In my opinion, knowing what not to do is even more important than knowing what to do. For you guys that are dealing with a breakup,
These are the mistakes I watch men like you make all the time, some more obvious than others. And let’s be honest, you’ve probably already made some of these mistakes. I’ve made all of them (which is why I’m writing here, of course).
Some of these mistakes will crush your chances of getting your ex-girlfriend back, while others can cause you to sink further into depression. The good news is, even if you’ve made every single one of these mistakes so far, you can still change your ways.
Before we get into what not to do after a breakup, I want you to ask yourself honestly: what mistakes do you think you’ve made so far? Comment what mistakes you’ve made down below.
Without further adieu, here are my top 10 mistakes you need to avoid at all costs if you want to start recovering from this breakup.
1: Begging Your Ex-Girlfriend To Take You Back
If you ever have gotten conned into watching a movie with a “strong” female lead, you’ve seen this story before.
Here’s how it typically goes…
The strong female lead ruthlessly dumps the guy for any number of reasons (usually because he’s a loser) and then the rest of the movie follows his many desperate attempts to “win her heart back”.
But she’s not having it…at first. The first 3 attempts to get her back all amount to nothing.
But of course, by the end of the movie, they get back together and live happily ever after, even though neither one of them has changed.
Sounds great, right?
Too bad it doesn’t work in real life.
After a woman breaks up with you, nothing you can say to her will make her want to take you back. Words to her are meaningless. She’s already been pushed over the edge, and her attraction to you has dropped because of your behavior, not because of your words.
So how do you think she’s going to react if you slam her with a wall of needy texts, or 20 unanswered calls? She’s going to feel bombarded, and suddenly you’re going to look weak and desperate, which is the opposite of what you want to be to have any chance of getting her back.
I’ve made this mistake several times. Guys, just don’t do it. Men don’t beg.
The other side of this is blowing up at her in anger.
While you might think you can order her around, I promise you, she’ll leave your ass eventually no matter how much you yell and threaten her. Exploding at her in anger is another sign to her that you aren’t the master of your emotions.
So don’t do it.
Plus, how is she supposed to respect you if you can’t even respect yourself enough to understand that it’s over?
Even worse, when it blows up in your face, you’re going to have expended a ton of emotional energy. You’ll feel drained and defeated, in addition to whatever pain you already feel from the breakup.
You should never attempt to beg your ex-girlfriend for anything. If you want her back, show her that through your actions, not your words. Become a better man. It’ll say far more about you as a man if you take the time to reflect and improve yourself than it will if you slobber all over her while crying.
With that said, if your first reaction is to beg, no contact is going to be very helpful for you.
2: Not Following The No Contact Rule
Using no-contact correctly means blocking her number, deleting her on social media, and then avoiding places where you know she’ll be. Afterward, you just don’t contact her.
It’s really simple, but it gets screwed up all the time because there’s a lot of misinformation about what the no-contact rule really is.
It’s these fucking ex-girlfriend recovery schemes that love to sell the idea of a 30 day, 45 day, or 60 day no-contact period as a “100% guaranteed way to get her back fast”.
I paid for a bunch of these back in the day, and they just don’t work. These “coaches” know it. They want you to wait a little bit and screw up with your ex. Then they can sell you coaching to get her back for a “reasonable” price of $997 an hour.
If you’ve been on some of those sites (and believe me, I’m sure you have) you need to read this right now.
The no-contact rule has NO time limit. You’re supposed to use it until YOU are ready. While you’re in no-contact, you aren’t thinking about your ex. You’re focusing on yourself and becoming the best version of you.
It’s not about using no-contact to spite her. It’s not about getting her back. It’s about you giving yourself the emotional time and space to grow. It’s the growth that’s going to get her back, not the no-contact.
So don’t get it twisted, and don’t pay coaches for what you can learn for free. You need to use no-contact, but it’s nowhere near as complicated as it’s put out to be. So do it.
Don’t text her. Don’t call her. Avoid her friends. Avoid her places. Grow as a person using my complete guide.
If you want to re-attract her later, going no-contact is the ONLY way you’re going to have success. It’s critical that you take the time away from her to heal yourself so you can demonstrate masculine mastery to her.
3: Abusing Drugs and Alcohol
While there’s nothing wrong with occasionally indulging yourself with stimulants, you can’t let them become a crutch to keep you going when the shit gets tough.
Burning a few joints with your boys or going out on Friday night isn’t going to kill you. Using them on a daily basis to numb your pain is. The more you use, the more you toe the fine line between enjoyment and addiction.
There’s a time and a place for hard partying, and it’s not until you’ve overcome the negative emotions you’re holding on to from your breakup.
If you’re drinking or smoking heavily more than 1-2x a week, you need to cut that shit down. Alcohol and drug usage will lower your serotonin and disrupt the balance of your thoughts. They’ll make you more prone to mood swings, and can actually increase your anxiety as opposed to reducing it.
The last thing you want to be contending with is the pain of a breakup coupled with substance-induced anxiety. It’s a negative spiral that is VERY hard to break out of.
A great example of what overindulgence looks like is Tove Lo – Habits (Stay High). Watch the video all the way through and see if you can spot what I’m talking about.
From the very beginning, notice how she’s surrounded by people, but you get the sense that’s she’s feels completely alone. You also never see her smile light up her eyes.
I don’t think I need to say anything about the breakdown she has in the graffiti filled room.
She’s out of the flow of what’s actually happening, which is exactly what you don’t want to be doing. This is what you look like when you’re trying to use booze or drugs to mask the pain you’re feeling. Substances aren’t the way to recovery from a breakup.
Healing has to come from within, and you need to be focused on what you can do to heal today. Substance use will take numb your ability to focus on healing.
If you try to dull your feelings with drugs and alcohol, you will be saddled with them for far longer than you otherwise would. So don’t do it. Cut it back. You’ll add years to your life, and take away a terrible coping mechanism.
4: Masturbating More Than 2x A Week
Look, blowing your load is great. I like to do it, and you probably do too.
While I prefer having sex with women, there’s a time and a place for just rubbing one out.
And if you’re only using it a couple of times a week, you’re going to be fine. In fact, there are numerous health benefits associated with jerking off, from stress relief to a reduced risk of prostate cancer in men.
It’s when masturbating becomes compulsive that you get into trouble. It’s when your masturbating daily instead of going out and getting laid. It’s when you’re late to work because you need to rub one off. It’s when your porn consumption becomes more extreme, and your motivation to put yourself out there sinks.
I suffered from what’s known as a PMO addiction (Porn & Masturbation) when I was younger, and I noticed it always seemed to flare up after a breakup. I would withdraw into my room, and content myself with the pleasures of pornhub and xvideos.
You can probably guess why.
PMO is a killer because it saps your motivation to do anything. It depresses you, and keeps your brain in an addictive cycle where your only long-term concern is seeking your next hit of dopamine. It’s impossible to be proactive about your recovery if you can’t think long-term and see the big picture.
There’s also the issue of addictions compounding. For example, someone who is addicted to cigarettes is more susceptible to becoming addicted to hard drugs. The new addiction and the old addiction generally get worse over time. Because your brain is already addicted to your ex-girlfriend after a breakup, the last thing you want to do is give it more fuel.
Porn also wastes a tremendous amount of time. No one really seems to talk about this, but imagine you spend 5 hours a week jerking off for a year. That’s 260 hours a week, which at $15 dollars an hour is almost $4,000 dollars.
Part of thriving after a breakup is setting better priorities that help build your life, not aimlessly waste time. You need to take action, and come to your own rescues because things won’t get better unless you act.
5: Hoping Things Will Get Better Without You Taking Action
You hold the keys to your recovery. Don’t let anyone else tell you differently. You can be the guy who’s still hurt by his ex-girlfriend years later, or you can be the guy that decides he wants better for himself.
For my part, I watch too many men do nothing. Yeah, you’ll eventually feel better as time passes, but you’re not going to feel as good as you would feel if you take proactive action by doing things like:
- Getting into the gym
- Reflecting on what went wrong in your relationship
- Improving on your pickup and relationship skills
- Dating new women
- Setting and achieving relevant goals
What all of these things share in common is they build your sense of confidence, which is the key to getting over a breakup. The guys that never recover after a breakup? It’s not because they miss their ex-girlfriend.
They miss the increased confidence they had when they were together.
Confidence is king. Would you really be sad about losing something if you had the confidence that you could go out and get yourself something better? The attitude of abundance that everyone in business and relationships love to talk about comes from an abundance of confidence.
So, if you want to get over your breakup quicker, it’s up to you to go out and do the things that will help rebuild your confidence
Sitting on your ass won’t get you back to being a confident guy. Taking action will. It’s the only cure for what is really ailing you.
6: Idolizing Your Ex-Girlfriend
Pain comes from attachment, and the stronger our attachment is to something, the more pain we’ll feel when it’s ripped away from us. Although attachment fades as our memory becomes hazy, we can keep an attachment alive long after the last contact has been had.
In the case of your ex-girlfriend, it’s called the fantasy of your ex, where you remember her as a far better person than she actually was. Because you’re in so much emotional pain, your brain seeks the comfort of positive memories, and you feel like your ex-girlfriend is 1 in a million.
Except she isn’t. Your ex-girlfriend isn’t special. If you can keep that in mind, you’ll think about her less. The more you associate positive feelings with your ex, the more you’re going to think about her.
The fantasy of your ex-girlfriend can sometimes turn to idolizing what she was.
Idolizing your ex-girlfriend sets you back by increasing your attachment to her, and the corresponding pain you feel because of that attachment. That’s why no-contact is so useful. It reduces your attachment to your ex-girlfriend. The less you think about your ex, the less attached you’ll be to her.
Your brain is going to do this on its own to some degree, but there are plenty of things you can do to stop it.
First, remember all the negatives associated with your ex. Think about all her little ticks that you didn’t like. Feel how badly she made you feel. Be brutally honest, and see her for what she is.
You should also avoid masturbating to her, or fantasizing about her during sexual acts, as that will only reinforce the idol concept.
However, the most powerful way to shake the fantasy of your ex is to find someone better.
7: Not Making An Effort To Get Laid
Getting laid frequently will take care of a number of things on the list for you.
- It’s easier to stick to no-contact when you’ve got outlets for your sexual energy
- You’ll be less needy because your needs are getting met
- You won’t be masturbating as frequently
- You idolize your ex less with every stroke
- You build confidence
- You boost your testosterone
I shouldn’t have to say much more.
Do you know what the best part is? Once you start getting laid frequently, it becomes even easier to get laid again.
Yes, learning the skills to get laid easily will require work upfront. But that’s not an excuse. You only have to learn the skills once, and with the power of online dating, it’s ridiculously easy to amplify your results.
Don’t let idleness be an excuse for inaction.
Don’t make excuses either. Don’t be one of those guys that waits 6 months, 1 year, or even 5 years to start getting out there again. When you’re not having sex, you are a lesser version of yourself. You are literally biologically wired to reproduce.
On the other hand, once you start sleeping with a new woman (or preferably, women), don’t feel the need to enter into a serious relationship just because you two are having sex.
I see this one all the time, where a guy will have sex with a new woman and then immediately rush into a relationship with her. Hell, I’ve even done it several times. Don’t do it. It will set you back.
You can learn more about my proven formula for dating after a breakup, and why you shouldn’t rush into a relationship here.
8: Not Spending Time In The Gym
“No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”Socrates
I’ve talked about how important getting into the gym is for stress relief after a breakup, and I’m sure you’ve seen it done to death elsewhere.
The gym does more than just relieve stress. It boosts confidence, which I’m sure you can use more of right now.
Confidence is king. Take a look at the picture below. Who do you think was more confident?
Yes, that’s me before and after my first breakup. Just so you know that I walked the walk. I’m confident in telling you that if you’re not in the gym, you’re holding yourself back.
The gym builds lasting confidence not because of the additional women attention, but because of the sheer repetition. Building a muscular physique requires a lot of work, as well as attention to detail in diet and workout management.
There’s tremendous value in pushing yourself physically, because it reveals who you really are mentally. Hitting and exceeding your limits is as much a mental test as a physical one.
The more you push, and the longer you’re consistent, the more you define yourself. You know exactly where you stand, and then what it takes to get to the next level. Your improvement is concrete, and that translates to lasting confidence.
It’s the same type of confidence you happen to be lacking after a breakup.
9: Using The Allure Of Getting Her Back As Motivation
Okay, so you’re taking everything to heart and fucking killing it.
But why are you doing what you’re doing?
Are you doing it because you genuinely want to improve as a person? Or are you doing it because you think it will help you get your ex back?
There’s a huge distinction between those two. The former is a great example of self-motivation, while the latter is seeking external validation from your ex-girlfriend. Validation seeking is something that insecure women do, not confident, internally assured men.
What happens if your ex-girlfriend vanishes? Are you just going to stop doing what you’re doing and slump into a hopeless mess?
Think carefully about your motivation for doing what it is that you do.
10: Taking Her Back After You’ve Grown and Changed
It’s easy to say that you want her back. I get it, I’ve been there.
But do you really want her back? Are you sure?
I’ve seen several men who became wildly successful after getting dumped go on to take back the women who dumped them. They successfully did what every “ex-girlfriend recovery” website wants to sell you on. They grew as men and re-attracted their ex-girlfriends.
However, many of these relationships end rather quickly. Do you know why?
These men outgrew their old girlfriends.
Think about it. Imagine taking a year to work on yourself, only to go back to a woman that decided you weren’t good enough before. This woman probably hasn’t changed at all, but you have. So why would you want to go back to something that you had before?
The world is full of single women that are a better fit for you than your ex is, and these women have none of the baggage that your ex carries.
It’s my job to get you wherever it is you want to go after a breakup, not to tell you what to do. But speaking from experience, re-heating old leftovers is never as good as it was the first time.
I know this is hard to understand, especially if you’re still reeling from a breakup. But trust me. Give it time, and some experiences with other women and you’ll begin to see what I mean.
Once you shed the fantasy of your ex and put in the work, you’ll realize that you deserve better. If she wants to make her way back into your life, she should earn her way back in.
So grow and change. Do it for yourself and not for her, and one day when she comes calling, you’ll be able to stand tall and smile.