I got a new puppy recently. His name is Julius, and I’m learning just how much fun it can be to train the newest member of the family when he’s not taking a piss on my floor.
For those of you that don’t have dogs, one of the most important things you need to do with a new puppy is to establish leadership early.
It makes training him easier because he’ll actually feel that you’re worth listening to, because you’re in charge of the pack.
When he feels you’re worth listening to, he’ll do what you tell him to do, when you tell him to do it.
He’s reacting to what you tell him.
It sounds easy in theory, but in practice, it’s more complicated.
Your dog will test you to see if you’re really worthy of being the head wolf, and you’ll need to pass his tests in order to get to that point.
For example, if you let him out of his crate whenever he whines, he’ll quickly realize that he can get you to react by crying, and in his eyes, your standing as leader of the pack will be diminished.
Now instead of him reacting to you, you’re reacting to him.
The difference is subtle, but it’s extremely important.
A badly trained dog is one who’s owner reacts to what his dog is doing. A well trained dog, on the other hand, waits, ready to receive a command from his owner.
This is the essence of the power dynamic in it’s simplest form.
The leader sets the frame, and the follower follows this frame.
And it’s what makes the difference with women, whether you’re trying to get your ex-girlfriend back, or attract a new woman.
Now I’m not trying to say that women are like dogs.
They certainly don’t shit on the floor when you forget to take them outside (hopefully).
But the dynamic I’ve just described is one you absolutely MUST master if you want to get your ex-girlfriend back. Hell, it’s one of the most important women skills period.
But, most guys screw up the leadership dynamic and fall into the frame of those around them.
Where Most Guys Screw Up
Most men react to women, instead of letting women react to them.
This is a huge fucking mistake, and will absolutely torpedo your chances of getting her back.
I touched on this fatal mistake in my article about ignoring her to get her back, but I’ll expand on it here.
Our boy Johnny is a nice guy, according to all the girl “friends” he has.
When his girlfriend dumps him for being too much of a pushover, Johnny is beside himself. He goes into all out pursuit of his ex-girlfriend, and blows up her phone with 101 sappy promises he’ll never live up to, while telling her that she should give him another chance.
And as Johnny sends his 15th text in a row, his ex-girlfriend will send one, to the guy she invited over to help her forget about Johnny.
Johnny will be heartbroken of course, and wonder what he did wrong. He did everything he was supposed to do, according to his girl “friends”.
Johnny will finally commit the ultimate sin of breakups, and agree to the friendzone, ending his chances of getting her back.
We’ve all been Johnny at one point in our lives.
For every 3 Johnnys, there’s also a Chad, laughing at Johnny’s feeble attempts to get his ex-girlfriend back.
Chad knows that begging doesn’t work, and chooses to order his girlfriend around like she’s his slave.
But, when she finally decides to leave his ass, he spins himself up into a self-justified rage and fires angry insults at her, especially when she starts dating someone else that gives her more freedom.
“How could that bitch do this to me?” he’ll say.
Chad will rage around, pushing his ex-girlfriend further and further away as she avoids his psycho rage.
Now, absolutely no one would argue that Johnny and Chad are alike.
But they are.
Neither of them are going to get their ex-girlfriend back, and neither are confident in themselves.
The moral of the story is both of these guys are choosing to let the behavior of their ex-girlfriends influence what they choose to do next.
And that, my friends is a mistake.
Both begging and anger communicate to your ex-girlfriend that you’re not in control of the situation.
In other words, you’re not worth listening to.
Women want men who are cool, collected, and unshakable.
By reacting to what she’s doing, you’re demonstrating none of these. In fact, you’re telling her that she deserves far better than you have to give.
You’re playing into her frame, instead of her playing into yours.
The Power Of Frame In Your Relationships
In every interaction, there’s always a dominant frame, and a submissive frame.
Your frame is how you think, and that frame manifests itself into how the world sees you.
Your frame tells you how to react to life’s many different situations.
When you have a strong frame, you’ll be confident, and non-reactive even if things don’t go your way.
Our buddies Chad and Johnny both have weak frames.
By reacting to your ex-girlfriend like they did, you’re telling her that her frame (that you don’t deserve her) is the correct one, as you reacted emotionally, which immediately proves to her she was right.
But, we can flip this dynamic around and leave her questioning her frame, to the point where she’ll be pulled back in your direction if you do it right.
So let’s look at this situation the other way.
Your girlfriend breaks up with you because she’s not attracted to you anymore.
Now, she’s not going to be expecting this from you, especially if you were a pushover during the relationship.
What you’re really doing is challenging her frame.
You’re making her re-think her assumptions about you.
She’s used to most guys (including you) slobbering all over her. Do something different, and she’ll take notice.
Instead of thinking you aren’t worth it, when she sees what you’re doing, she’ll think twice, and second guess herself.
Once she’s second guessing herself, you’re at the tipping point where she’ll end up reaching out to you.
Now we’re getting somewhere.
How Getting Her To React To You Will Help You Get Her Back
We’ve been conditioned as men to believe we’re supposed to chase women.
But, nothing turns a woman off faster than a man who’s chasing her.
That’s why you notice her backing off, and taking longer to respond when you start forcing things before she’s ready.
It’s not attractive to her when you’re laying it on hot and heavy without her wanting it first. Think about it from her perspective.
If she’s at least somewhat attractive, she’s had men all over her since she was at least 16-18. Every day, someone is imposing himself on her that she has no interest in.
She’s used to it, and to her, there’s nothing that’s less attractive because those types of guys are all around her.
And considering her attraction to you has dropped to the point where she doesn’t want to be with you, the last thing you want to do is reduce her attraction to you even further.
What she’s looking for is someone that’s decisive, and not easy to control.
And to be that guy at this point, less is more.
Your ex-girlfriend has to come back to you at her own pace. You can’t force anything.
This is where most of you guys screw this up.
You push before she’s ready.
If you want to get her back, you need to assume the dominant frame.
The dominant frame in any interaction is the one that cares less, and has less invested in the interaction. Reaching out to her all the time, and constantly going after her is giving that up.
In a negotiation, the one who speaks first, loses.
Or, to put it another way, the one who speaks first assumes the weaker frame.
So it’s imperative that if she broke up with you, you don’t speak to her first for any reason.
You have to make a commitment to walk away, and not contact her again. If she never contacts you, you’ll move on to someone else that’s better for you.
This is how you’ll start getting her to react to you. Her reaction to your lack of contact will at first be wondering about you, which will eventually lead to her reaching out.
Getting her to react to you not contacting her puts her in the submissive frame. Unconsciously, this begins to condition her to chase you.
Now, since it’s her idea to reach out to you, she’ll be more receptive to what you have to say, and if you do things right, her attraction to you will increase as you begin to lead your interactions.
And of course, you shouldn’t waste your opportunity when she gives it to you.
Assume she wants to see you. Try to make a date at your place, and then focus on having a good time together.
In this way, it’s a lot like training a puppy.
You’re stepping into the leadership role.
She reaches out, and you reward her with a great time. It’s positive reinforcement.
She reacts to the good time by reaching out to you again, and you make another date, and so on.
You’re setting the frame that you’re confident enough to let her come to you at her own pace.
You’re also telling her that if she does reach out to you, you’re going to take charge and make a date.
This tells her that you’re secure in yourself, and this confidence is extremely sexy to her, and will help rebuild her lost attraction.
Now, I need to point out that you don’t need to tell her this overtly.
To women, saying any of this out loud makes you sound like a prick.
Re-framing Her Shit Tests
Women love to test.
But most men think about shit tests wrong. Traditional thinking says that you need to pass her shit tests.
When it comes to your ex-girlfriend, you ignore them entirely.
Once you start acting different and let her come to you, she’s going to want to see if you’re for real, especially if you were weak during the relationship.
She’ll test you to see if she can get you to react to her, which you absolutely cannot under any circumstances if you want to maintain the dominant frame that will re-attract her.
These shit tests can range from posting a picture of another guy on social media (which you shouldn’t be using anyway), to dropping off the face of the earth after what you thought was a great date.
The good news is, with anything she does you don’t need 12 different reactions.
You only need one.
Indifference. Don’t react at all.
When I think of indifference, Peaky Blinders comes to mind.
Watch this epic display of indifference on the part of Thomas Shelby as he faces down his death. This is the kind of indifference I’m talking about.
Before you go on, read about how to stop thinking about your ex to get a good idea of how to be more indifferent towards her.
So what do I mean by indifference?
Here’s how it works in practice.
Let’s say you have a successful date following her reaching out to you, where you two keep it light, have a good time together, and all that.
You might be expecting her to reach out the next day or week.
But, she might deliberately delay reaching out to you to see what you’re made of.
Most guys will lose their cool and worry that they’re going to lose her and will panic and try to get her on another date before she’s ready.
Not good. Your reacting to her, instead of the other way around.
Start by re-framing the situation for yourself. Turn the negative situation into a positive in your own mind, so you’re less likely to screw up and act out of fear.
Turn “oh, she hasn’t texted me, she must be seeing someone else” into “oh, she hasn’t texted me, good. More time to work on all the other things I’ve got going on, no big deal”
Once you’ve re-framed it for yourself, take a deep breath.
And then do nothing about it.
Go back to no-contact until she reaches out.
If she doesn’t want to text you, that’s her loss. Her replacement is already waiting in the wings, and dates these days are a dime a dozen.
Same thing if she says something to you that you don’t like.
Shrug, and do nothing.
The only men that argue with women are men that aren’t good with women. You never win in an argument.
The dominant frame between a man or a woman never needs to be argued if it’s being used correctly. It simply is.
Remember that. You don’t need to argue. You only need to shrug, and move on with your life.
Because at the end of the day, indifference is the difference that powers the dominant frame.
Indifference keeps you from reacting to her, and her reacting to you.
And it’s indifference that will do the most to get her back, and keep her for good this time.