Guys, this one is for the ladies. You can take today off if you want, although if you stick around there will be some nuggets in here for you.
I was talking with my girlfriend earlier about how she handled herself after dumping her ex-boyfriends, and I found the insights pretty eye opening. When I told her about how men handle it, she was also quite surprised.
She didn’t understand that breakups hit guys later than girls, or that it takes men on average 2.38 years to get over a breakup. Talking about how to help a guy get over a breakup really did help too.
There’s seems to be a lot of misinformation out there about what’s going on in a guy’s head after a breakup when he’s the dumper, and today we’re going to clear up some of the confusion. After talking to many different guys, there seem to be 4 broad stages men go through after a breakup.
1: Relief
Once the breakup is over and done, most guys are going to feel relieved. An impending breakup is a very stressful affair for men. Most men will agonize over a breakup for weeks or months leading up to the actual breakup before summoning up the courage to do it.
Many of the men I’ve spoken to have seen it as an opportunity to change their lives, now that the “cause” of their problems is gone. In the short term, it’s easy to rationalize the relationship as a negative. Of course, this incorrect rationalization will fade with time.
Men in this stage are usually elated and feel like they’re on top of the world. It becomes easier for them to spend time with friends and otherwise do the things they love.
This is just a temporary satisfaction, but as someone who has lived it, it’s very powerful. This burst of excitement generally does not translate into long term change, because it’s built upon emotion as opposed to a habitual change.
Generally, the relief stage lasts from the time of the breakup for the first few months afterward.
2: Second thoughts
Eventually, the doubts start to creep in as the weight of resentment begins to fade. He’ll start to think about you more. If he’s in a rebound relationship, he’ll start comparing you to her. More often than not, he’ll find himself to be dissatisfied.
I rationalized this as being lonely and kept going on, but it wasn’t really loneliness.
It’s usually around this time, after a few months have passed where he will start to see the complete picture of the relationship for what it really was, not what he thought it was. He’ll start to let go of some of the negative memories and reach for the more positive ones, which will lead to him seeing you in a more positive light.
Sometimes you’ll have guys apologize for what they’ve done, partially out of guilt, and partially as a tacit way to find out if you’re still single.
This stage begins after a couple of months, and can happen in tandem with stage one. It all depends on the type of guy you’re dealing with.
3: Hope for reconciliation
Having had my fair share of lady friends over the years, I’ve heard this maxim repeated ad nauseam.
He ALWAYS comes back as soon as I’m starting to move on, ugh.
-Every woman I’ve ever known
Yeah, there’s a reason for that. Your ex-boyfriend has made his peace with what went wrong and he wants to see if he can get you back.
It’s during this stage you’ll see him sliding into your DMs even if it’s been 6 months. It happens all the time.
This hope for reconciliation is driven by his fear that he isn’t going to find someone better. He might realize he made a mistake, and then reach out with the hope of correcting his mistake.
This almost always aligns with the time period it takes a woman to truly move on from a relationship. If I can give you any advice, it’d be to wait and work on yourself. The chances that your ex will try to come back are good, but you can’t force it. He has to come back on his own.
4: Acceptance and normalization
Depending on the result, your ex will finally begin to accept the new normal in his life. Whether you two get back together or not, he’ll begin to return to the happiness baseline from before your relationship. By this point, if you two aren’t back together, he will have moved on and filed the relationship away.
Chances are, you’ll have moved on by this point too.
He’ll still think of you, but not with the same degree of emotion. He’ll remember the happy memories and the unhappy ones, but won’t be particularly bothered by either. It’s at this point where he’ll become emotionally available for a new woman.
Normally, this period takes about 75% of the time you two were together. For every year you were together, it’s going to take him about 8 months to be truly over you.
What you do with this information is up to you!
Clearing up some misconceptions about men as the dumper
With that being said, there are still quite a few pervasive myths that seem to stick around. Let’s see if we can’t shine a little bit of light on some of the most common.
Men are NOT emotionless after a breakup
Contrary to popular belief guys are not cold, robotic hunks of steel after a breakup.
Men go through a range of emotions, even when they are the dumper. The first time I had to breakup with a girl, I did feel relief at first, but this morphed into regret in time. Of course, all men are different and will experience different sets of emotions. From talking to guys of all ages and nationalities, I’ve seen everything from sadness and anger, to regret and wistfulness.
Of course, being the dumper is easier than being the one getting dumped, but it doesn’t take away from what guys feel afterwards.
The other difference is men don’t have the same emotional support network as women. It’s not easy for men to talk about what we’re going through. Most men are not good listeners with other men, and even mentioning being sad about a breakup can be seen as being weak.
What ends up happening for a lot of men, is they bottle up what they’re feeling and then explode in moments of altered consciousness (usually drugs or alcohol). Then, the true feelings come out, and suddenly the guy that went no contact on you is blowing you up with 15 texts a minute.
Women do a better job of processing, in my opinion. Whether it’s talking to friends, loved ones, or otherwise venting their emotions.
Being the dumper as a man isn’t as easy as you think
Of course, being the dumper is never easy no matter if you’re a man or a woman. However there seems to be this belief that men just drop women and don’t feel anything in the lead up.
That’s just not true.
When men end relationships, there’s almost always something weighing them down. The last relationship I had to end was much like this. I agonized over it for almost a month before I finally pulled the trigger. I was stressed with trying to manage my growing businesses as well as her demands for more of my time.
Again, I write about breakups and handle them well and it was still difficult for me. While there are always going to be exceptions, exceptions prove the rule.
Just remember that even if he dumped you, he most likely had stressed about it for quite awhile and took his time to work up the confidence to actually do it.
Most men don’t immediately jump to another women
I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and befriending a lot of men in my life, for which I am very grateful. I’ve met some of the smartest and most skilled men the world has to offer.
The thing is, most men struggle with women. Believe it or not, getting a good woman is a very difficult for most men.
That’s why you get memes like this.
I hate to say it, but this meme is completely true. Most men end up downgrading after a breakup because they lack the skills or confidence to become something more.
The other piece that often goes unsaid is most men end a relationship because of stress in their personal life. The last relationship I had to end was because of commitments to my business, and I didn’t date anyone seriously for nearly a year afterwards.
Most men will take the time to address the problems that life is throwing their way, as opposed to finding a new woman right away. Chances are, your ex is still attached to you even though you’re broken up. Give him enough time and he might come back around.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Need help processing the breakup so you can get back to feeling like yourself again? Click here to learn how I can help you.