Based on a survey of 260 men, it takes an average of 3.46 months to get back together with your ex-girlfriend after a breakup. 77% of men in my survey reconciled with their ex-girlfriends within 4 months of breaking up.
See below for more information.
This chart is based on a survey I conducted between October 2019 and April 2020 on 704 men who wanted to get back together with their ex-girlfriends.
I followed up with these men over that timeframe to see how long it takes to get back together with an ex-girlfriend – among other things.
37% of men in that particular survey (n=260) successfully got back together with their exes within the 7-month duration of the survey.
If you just came here for a straight answer so you can sleep at night knowing that you (on average) still have time to get your ex-girlfriend back – great.
Class dismissed.
See you tomorrow.
Now if you want to actually understand what these numbers mean…and what the hell they have to do with your individual reconciliation game plan – stick around.
Take The 3.46 Month Timeframe With A Grain Of Salt
This survey has some major caveats – so before you start freaking out, take a deep breath. Answering how long it takes to get your ex-girlfriend back is not easy.
Here are just a few of the potential issues with this survey:
- It was taken during the pandemic – where there were fewer dating options and many people craving familiarity which likely decreased the time to get back together.
- This study is skewed – roughly 84% of the respondents were from the US, the UK, and the Commonwealth Realms (yes, including you Canada), which are primarily individualist cultures – which means the results may be different in other cultural settings.
- Some of the guys in this survey I either had or was coaching at the time – which may have also skewed the numbers.
- The survey only lasted 7 months, which means I likely missed men who got back together with their exes after that cutoff.
Okay – now that I’ve gotten this happy fun disclaimer out of the way, let’s talk about…
Why The 4 Month Mark Can Be The “Make Or Break Point” To Get Her Back
Assuming you were in a long-term, reasonably serious emotionally committed relationship – it’s around the 3rd or 4th month after the breakup when it starts to get easier.
And once it gets easier – the chances of getting her back go down.
You’ll want her back less.
And she’ll likely be giving less thought to reconciliation.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
There’s a 2007 study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology that supports this. The study suggested that it takes about 3 months for the majority of people (71%) to feel better after a breakup.
The caveat: the study was performed on college students.
It’s way different to go through a breakup at 36 when you’re working full time and aged out of picking up women at bars. Meanwhile, you’re surrounded by your married friends and their happy babies while you’re mourning the loss of the woman you thought was the one.
With that being said – my average client is in his mid to late 30s, and it’s often around the 4-month mark when everything starts to get easier.
And it’s no coincidence that as soon as my clients start to feel better – that the idea of getting back together with their exes doesn’t seem as appealing.
PS: If it’s been 4 months and you’re still really hurting, don’t beat yourself up. There’s no timeframe for recovery – everyone is different.
Now here’s the fucking diabolical part…
Your Ex Will Likely Recover From The Breakup Faster, Especially If She Broke Up With You
It seems incredibly unfair, doesn’t it? She gets to break your heart and leave you hurting while she skates away with no consequences.
Many of my clients think this is the case.
But let’s be clear – breakups hurt women too. It’s painful to be the dumper.
And no matter how coldly she’s acting towards you, at some point she will miss you. At some point, she’ll be curious about you. And perhaps she’ll even second guess her decision.
But don’t get it twisted…
I’ve written before that multiple studies suggest that women:
- Tend to think more negatively about their exes;
- Experience more relief after a relationship ends;
- Get more social support from peers, friends, and co-workers after a breakup;
- Suffer less grief after a breakup;
- Report more positive growth;
When you take all of this evidence together, the conclusion should be obvious: she’s likely to recover faster than you do and recover more completely. And as she learns to live her life without you, any regrets or second thoughts are easier to ignore.
And while I’d like to pretend otherwise – one of the main drivers of reconciliation is the suite of negative emotions that come after the breakup. So if she’s feeling better without you – the chances of her coming back to you do go down.
And that’s not even considering the fact that she likely was thinking about the breakup long before she actually dumped you – which makes it even easier to move on fast.
Many women hit their stride and begin to move on quickly – and once this process happens there’s not much you can do about it.
This is why I teach that you have to focus on yourself – instead of chasing her to the ends of the fucking world.
Because once she’s done, she’s done.
And typically, that process starts to kick in for many women after 1-2 months. By month 4 – you’re often at the make-or-break point.
Now, before you f*cking panic and chase her even further away…
Remember: You Are Not An Average
I’m not telling you this to scare you. I’m telling you this to smack some sense into you. If it’s been 4 months since the breakup and you’re still sitting on your ass, waiting for the perfect time to get her back…
WAKE THE FUCK UP.
Get off your ass – stop reading content like this, and get to work.
And look, I get it
Your brain is doing what it’s wired to do: gather information to make predictions about the future.
Good brain.
Your brain is a gigantic prediction machine and having an idea of what is normal or what is expected gives structure to its predictions.
Averages help.
But I also have to point out that especially when it comes to relationships – averages are horribly misleading because they ignore the most critical part of any successful reconciliation: context.
While I have to offer you and the almighty search god the answer you came here for (otherwise this would be clickbait and I’d be an asshole) – take this from me: you’re not an average.
And for every stat that tells you the average time to get back together is 3.48 months I can point to former clients where it took years to get back together.
One of my first clients from back in 2018 just got back together with his ex-girlfriend about two weeks before writing this article. If you’re keeping score – that’s a 5-year gap!
Or I could point to the work of Dr. Nancy Kalish and her groundbreaking Lost and Found Lovers project who studied many “first loves” who got back together as many as 60 years later…before the existence of the internet.
So take a deep breath and…
Stop Stressing About How Long It Will Take You To Get Her Back And Focus On What You Can Control
You can’t control how long it’s going to take to get her back.
Everyone is different, and every situation is different.
While the average is 3.48 months, it may take you even less time to get her back. Or it might not.
You can’t pressure her into taking you back. You have to let her come to you at the pace she feels comfortable with.
That’s if she even decides to come back…
With that in mind…
Instead of beating yourself up about this arbitrary deadline you have to get her back, you need to step back and focus on yourself. For the love of all that is good and holy – take a step back and get to fucking work.
You can’t control whether or not she will change her mind about dumping you.
But you can control your own effort.
You can control how you show up for yourself.
You can do the long, hard, and laborious “inner work” that makes all the difference if she does come back.
So where do you start?
Slow The F*ck Down, There’s No Rush To Get Her Back
There is a lot of shit you need to do before you actually get back together with her – assuming you want to live a life of long-term, masculine happiness.
To name a few of the big ones…
- You want to take the time to ask yourself if you really want her back or if you’re just scared of ending up alone
- You need to rebuild your life, your sense of identity, and your purpose and drive
- You need to realize how obsolete biological urges are driving you toward her (even if she’s not the right woman for you)
- You need to understand why the relationship ended from her perspective;
- You need to understand your role in the relationship ending
- You need to be equipped with the right communication frameworks necessary to rebuild trust, intimacy, and support;
- You need to be in a place in your life where you are stable enough for a relationship;
You get the idea.
This shit takes time.
If you rush back into a relationship with her before you do the work, what is really going to change?
Will you be different?
While it’s easy to shout “yes!” on account of how much this pain has forced you to reevaluate everything, be honest with yourself and with me for a second.
You’re not where you need to be right now. You know it, and I know it.
And I get it – you feel stuck and aren’t sure how to move forward from here.
How do you balance working to get her back and working on yourself – so you end up happy whether you get her back or not?
How do you fight the pain, the regrets, and the “what-ifs” that leave your mind racing in the late hours of the night?
You pick up your copy of The Fundamentals.
Inside, I’ll show my step-by-step framework to:
- Move on with your life while keeping the door open for a second chance with your ex-girlfriend;
- Work on yourself by addressing the 7 key areas most critical to your long-term, masculine happiness
- Master your brain so you can kick the shit out of regrets, what-ifs, and self-doubt;
- Navigate communication difficulties like a seasoned professional – so you give her the room to come and open up about her feelings to you;
…and so much more.
Your second chance awaits.
I’ll see you inside.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack