I was posed this question today at work and I thought it would make a great topic.
Look, breakups suck no matter how you do them. Whether it’s texting, in person, or otherwise. Let me be clear, there’s no way to break up with your girlfriend that won’t hurt her. Everything you do will hurt her, so you need to make peace with that fact. Texting her will hurt her too.
The times are changing. Nearly 60% of those in a casual relationship and 25% of those in a more serious relationship are okay with a breakup by text.
So don’t listen to the people that claim it’s more respectful to end a relationship in person. These people seem to think that just because you’re going to see the other person that it’s somehow better.
When prompted why, they usually revert to virtue signalling like everyone else who has nothing better to do than to tell you how to live your life.
With that being said, you can avoid being cruel to a woman, which will help her recover faster.
Understand why you want to break up with her in the first place
It should go without saying that before you break up with her on the phone, you should know why you want to break up with her. This will be helpful for you, so that you can articulate to her what it is that led to the downfall of your relationship.
Being able to tell her in concrete terms will give her the opportunity to improve herself after the relationship, if she chooses. It’ll also give you reasons to stay away after the breakup.
Being able to gently tell her what went wrong is important, as it will give her closure. Even though I don’t think closure is that important, if you want to be as “kind” as possible, giving her the information from you will hurt her in the short run, but help her in the long term.
If I were you, I would bullet these on a list before you text her. If you’re prone to getting emotional, you might forget exactly what you wanted to say while you’re actually in the act of saying it. Not getting your full point in can leave her even more confused, where she’ll seek you later and cause herself more pain.
Accept that she’s going to lose some respect for you
If you’re breaking up with her, do you really care if she respects you or not afterwards? Because everyone has been fed the idea by society at large that the only way to conduct a breakup is face to face, you’re going to face some backlash.
Clearly communicate why you want to break up
There’s no reason to pull any punches here. Let her know honestly why you want to break up. You might need to refer to the list you made, but make sure you deliver every point. Without definite points, the possibility for an argument is that much higher.
Afterwards, tell her directly that you want to break up. Don’t use fluffy language like “break” or “I think”. Be clear and specific.
Afterwards, I’ve seen advice that tells you to compliment her, but honestly that’s just window dressing. Chances are she’ll have already tuned you out after reading your breakup text.
Complimenting her afterwards comes across as patronizing, and chances are you don’t really mean it anyway. It’s best after you’ve said your piece to withdraw and then go into no-contact. Trying to hard to make her happy will just cause her to get more angry.
Examples
Let’s pretend your girlfriend’s name is Karen. I’ll run you through a couple of examples of how a text breakup can look.
“Hey Karen, I just wanted to tell you that I don’t see a future for our relationship. I understand that you want to travel, but I’m not at the same point in my life right now, and I want to focus on my career. I wish you all the best and I hope there’s no hard feelings”
“Hey Karen, I’m just not having fun with our relationship like we used to. You and I argue too much, and I think we’re more different than we care to admit. We both deserve partners who can appreciate us for who we are. I want things to end on good terms, and I wish you well in your endeavors.”
Of course, how you word it is up to you, but notice that both examples are clear, direct, and to the point. There’s nothing to misinterpret, and there’s no emotional charge to get her even more riled up.
Go no-contact for your sake and hers
You can avoid hurting your girlfriend even worse than you already have by going no-contact. Although you might think this is cruel, it’s going to give her the chance to recover the quickest.
Going no-contact gives her a chance to let her emotions run their course without getting new emotional feedback from you. She won’t be able to properly understand how she feels until she’s had time and space away from you. Without new feedback, she’ll have the power of perspective and be able to make her peace with the relationship ending.
I know it’s going to be really tempting to reach out to her, because you care. Resist the urge.
Being her friend will just make her own suffering worse. Give her time to reflect, and if you want to be friends with her down the road, wait for her to reach back out to you. Letting her contact you on her own is far less cruel than reaching out and offering “friendship”.
It’ll just remind her of what she lost until she’s had the time to think about everything. Plus, reaching out to contact her can easily give her the wrong idea. She might rationalize the contact as an example of you wanting to get back together with her.
These thoughts can delay her recovery by months, and even years in some cases. By attempting friendship right after, you’re effectively leaving the door open for her to wonder which isn’t the objective if you want to avoid hurting her.
Why breaking up over text can be good
There are several good reasons to break up with your girlfriend over text. For one, if you suspect she’s going to act irrationally, breaking up with her without actually being there is ideal. While the vast majority of women won’t, be aware of the possibility of being accused of something you didn’t do.
Texting her as opposed to going there in person gives you an alibi and a paper trail if things go wrong.
It can also be appropriate for long distance relationships, where it would be highly unpractical to go to her. You really shouldn’t be getting into those in the first place, but if you are in one, sending her a text will save both of you a significant amount of time otherwise.
Texting her also removes some of the most visceral emotions from a breakup. Seeing someone you love walk away for the last time can be heart-wrenching. I’ve experienced it, and trust me, it sucks! Those that have their hearts broken don’t want to see the source of their pain.
I had a woman admit to me as much today, where she admitted she was relieved that her boyfriend had broken up with her via text, saying that she was able to process it without having to be triggered by seeing his face.
By not being able to see you, she’ll be able to react however she wants without fear of your judgement. Crying, screaming, and otherwise sobbing are great at releasing emotional stress, but she might not want to openly be so sad with you around.
By texting her and giving her the space she needs, she can react however she sees fit and begin the process of healing herself without you around to constantly remind her of what she used to have.
To recap
Don’t be afraid to break up with your girlfriend over text. It’s doesn’t have to be unnecessarily cruel. If you’re direct, and you give her space afterwards your soon to be ex-girlfriend is going to be fine. Don’t worry too much about her, because there’s really not much you can do to help her after a breakup besides going no-contact.
Plus, in all honesty, a breakup is going to suck no matter where she hears it from. Whether it’s in person, or via text. So don’t overthink it. Say your piece and back off.
Good luck!
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Got a burning question about your ex-girlfriend or your unique situation that you want my expert advice on? Click here to learn how I can help you.