The key to re-attracting her after you’ve been needy is to be independent of her by having friends and hobbies that are yours alone. You should also be comfortable giving her the space to come to you at her own pace, which you can accomplish by understanding why you’re needy in the first place.
Re-attracting her after you were needy is a difficult balance and unfortunately, if you don’t understand why it was an issue in the first place you’re going to make the same mistakes.
The problem isn’t the neediness itself.
The problem is a difference in attachment styles.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Why Does Needy Behavior Turn Women Off?
In a 1994 study, D.M Buss showed that women have marked preferences for men with money, education, and or position.
Buss measured this preference across 34 different cultures – and the bias held almost uniformly.
From this we can infer a central truth about women – they are attracted to high-status men.
From an evolutionary perspective, this makes sense.
The strongest men should have the highest level of reproductive fitness, which means the strongest children.
These strong men are also able to protect the children that come out of this.
With that being said, we’re not clubbing each other to death anymore. Luckily.
Unfortunately, Our Preferences Still Haven’t Changed.
Although our society is radically different, men and women are biologically the same.
Women still prefer high-status men.
And guess what high-status men aren’t?
Needy. They (at least by all appearances) aren’t needy.
They’re calm, collected, and in control.
If you’re having trouble understanding this concept, let’s look at this from a more male-centric perspective.
Our boy D.M Buss also noted that men have a strong visual bias preferring young, attractive women. Be honest with me for a minute: think about what your ideal woman looks like. If you’re honest with yourself about how young she looks, I know you prefer that she looks younger.
This is exactly how women feel about a needy guy v. a self-assured, confident guy.
It’s an easy choice.
And that easy choice is made even easier by the primary reason women leave needy men: a difference in attachment styles.
Opposites Attract – Until They Don’t
According to attachment theory, there are 4 primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, dismissive-avoidant, and anxious-avoidant.
During the last 5 years, I’ve noticed a pattern – needy men almost overwhelmingly have an anxious attachment style and for some reason, they always end up with dismissive-avoidant women.
Now that probably doesn’t mean shit to you right now, but give me a second to explain and I promise it’ll click.
If you’re an anxious type you crave intimacy but sometimes feel like you’re not deserving of it. Generally, this comes from parents who were inconsistent with their love for you as a child. So as an adult, you seek out a relationship pattern that’s familiar: someone whose approval you can always be reaching for.
You tend to have a negative view of yourself overall, but a positive view of the people around you.
This leads to you seeking reassurance and attention in your close relationships, even though you have a nagging sensation that you can’t trust the people around you.
This leads to you wanting to be around your partner all the time to the point where you can sometimes be seen as suffocating, even though you were just trying to put your best foot forward by constantly trying to prove yourself.
And chances are, you’ve been in some shitty relationships where you put up with things you should have.
And I’m willing to bet you’re suffering pretty badly right now.
Sound familiar?
Meanwhile, your girl is the complete opposite.
“I’m Good, No Matter What”
She always wants “alone time” and never gives you as much attention as you want.
Sometimes you might feel like she’s just putting up with you, as she avoids talking about her feelings and frequently proclaims her need for independence.
Even worse, whenever things become heated she just seems to shut down completely.
She either stops talking to you or just seems to turn all her emotions off and naturally, you’re left bewildered at how she could do such a thing.
At the end of the day, you get the sense that her life will just carry on, with or without you.
If you’re nodding your head in agreement with this, I’m going to be completely honest with you.
Your chances aren’t great, and you’ve got a major uphill battle to fight.
I should know. I’m a dismissive-avoidant myself.
Dissmisive-avoidants have a very tough time with intimacy as a result of a childhood where their needs were infrequently met by their parents.
As a result, dismissive-avoidant adults tend to hold a less positive view of relationships and are more apt to want to go at it alone.
This apparent self-sufficiency makes it very easy for them to feel suffocated, especially if you’re a needier anxious type.
With this in mind, you’ll need to tread carefully.
Personally, if you’re an anxious type you’ll be much better off with a secure attachment style. But if you’re hell-bent on getting her back…
Let Her Come To You
I realize this is probably going to be hard for you if you’re an anxious attachment style.
You have to let her come to you at her own pace!
Having a healthy dose of outcome independence will be a major help in doing this.
Don’t take it personally.
The way you do this is by backing off. Stop smothering her.
Go no-contact and start working on yourself.
Understand The Root Of Your Attachment Style
Chances are, you had a parent or parents that were either neglectful, forgetful or downright abusive and didn’t give you the attention you needed as a child.
In order to reattract your girl if you turned her off, you need to get to the bottom of the why.
Think about how your parents treated you as a kid. See if you can isolate some of the behaviors that they did that set you off.
These are your “trigger” behaviors. In other words, your triggers can cause you to act needy.
Some examples:
- When your girlfriend asks for space
- When your carefully constructed plan doesn’t work
- When you start imagining a worst-case scenario
- When you get stuck in your head and overanalyze and overthink every little action.
Once you know what your specific triggers are, be mindful of them!
When one of them occurs, take a series of deep breaths and remind yourself that it’s a trigger.
You don’t need to act on it.
In my experience, just doing this will help you cut about 70-80% of your neediness.
The rest of it you usually washes away once you…
Build A Life You Love
Cultivate hobbies and friends for yourself that you really enjoy.
There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who has other things going on besides her.
The more things you have going on in your life that take your focus off her, the easier it will be to get her back.
In other words, be independent of her.
While you might be thinking this is a surefire way to lose her, pursuing her will most definitely push her away if she’s a dismissive-avoidant.
The more independent you are of her, the closer she’ll feel to you because she won’t be as worried about you becoming dependent on her.
That’s the key here.
Don’t be dependent. Be independent.
You need to have things going on other than her.
For example, having a passion project, a strong network of friends, or a hobby you dedicate a lot of your time to will make it way easier to not be all over her all the time.
It sucks, but if you’re hellbent on dating a dismissive-avoidant, it is what it is.
That said once she reaches out, you need to stay calm.
Invite her on a low-stakes date to your place, and take the time to show her you’ve changed.
Don’t feel the need to go all out.
The key is LOW-key!
Once she’s there, show her that you’re becoming more independent with your actions.
Don’t immediately put yourself in her face and demand her attention.
Don’t try to do everything for her.
Don’t try to talk about your feelings.
Most of all, don’t try to fucking change her.
Play it cool and sit back. Let her react to you.
The key here is you need to be reliable and dependable.
As a dismissive-avoidant, she expects to be disappointed by others because of the failure of her parents.
So don’t promise her anything you can’t keep.
Focus on having an enjoyable night that ends with sex.
After she leaves, continue to let her come to you. When she reaches out, set a date.
Essentially, you want to keep reinforcing that she can come to you when she wants intimacy as opposed to you being all over her when she doesn’t.
That’s the key.
If you’re an anxious type, I would also recommend getting a therapist.
Cognitive behavior therapy is extremely helpful for more extreme cases.
I highly recommend using this directory from psychology today.
Getting professional help is never a bad thing. There’s no stigma from getting help.
It’s really helpful to understand why you’re so needy in the first place. Getting to the root of your issues will help your future relationships.
If you need more help on how to bring back your ex-girlfriend, check out my complete guide on how to get her back. It covers all the fundamental skills you need to re-attract her, even if you’ve been needy and given her too much attention.
I’ll see you there.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Got a burning question about your ex-girlfriend or your unique situation that you want my expert advice on? Click here to learn how I can help you.