I’ve been getting a lot of questions from you guys about re-attracting women who have left you.
The good news is the process is pretty simple.
The right way to reattract her is to let her come to you at her own pace while you focus on creating a fun-filled romantic environment that doesn’t put any pressure on her to commit.
It’s not complicated, unlike some “gurus” who make it out to be.
You can learn it.
And you don’t need to pay $3997 for a “7 day in-person bootcamp.”
That said though, we’re also going to dive a little deeper today then the standard “do X for Y result”.
With my mailbag so full, rather than answer all these questions separately, I grouped a bunch of the related ones here.
And while I answer these questions I’m going to help you get a deeper understanding of the science behind why attraction is lost so you can avoid the same pitfalls in the future.
By the time you’re done reading this, you will have a comprehensive, science-backed methodology for re-attracting your ex-girlfriend or any other woman who left you.
And better yet, I’m giving it to you for free. That boot camp can go fuck itself.
Ready? Let’s dive in.
What Is The Meaning Of Re-Attraction?
Reattraction is the process of building attraction with a woman that used to be attracted to you.
This could be a woman you were dating, or an ex-girlfriend that you screwed things up with and dropped her attraction level.
Re-attraction only works if she was attracted to you at one point.
If she was never attracted to you to begin with, what we’re going to talk about here won’t work. You’ll just look like a fucking creep.
And let’s be real, that may get you laid in movies, but in real life…well.
I’ll just let the evidence speak for itself.
For instance, if you went on a “friend” date with a girl, the principles here won’t work because she was never attracted to you in the first place.
You can’t force attraction. It has to happen naturally.
But, just like you can rebuild a fire from the coals, you can rebuild attraction once it’s already established.
Keep that in mind.
Now, there are two different types of re-attraction even though they both work the same way.
The first is re-attracting a woman who you went on several dates with but you screwed something up and turned her off.
You have a lot less room for error with new women, as I’ll walk you through in a minute.
The second is re-attracting an ex-girlfriend that you were together with for at least 3 months. This is a bit different because you have history, and she won’t be as quick to move on if you fuck a few things up.
Alright, now that we’ve covered that, let’s throw some science on this bitch.
Attraction Isn’t Just Attraction (At Least, According To Science)
Fisher, Aron, Mashek, Li, and Brown define 3 primary brain/motivation systems associated with attraction: lust, attraction, and male-female bonding.
I’m willing to bet you already know what lust is.
I certainly do.
Just in case you don’t, they define lust as a purely sexual attraction with no consideration of chemistry.
Their definition of attraction is a bit different then what you’re used to, though.
You know how you prefer certain types of women and for some reason, you’re just instantly attracted to them even when your buddies might not be?
Maybe you really like small-chested blonde women with brown eyes and a fat ass. Or maybe if you’re a neckbeard you like geeky goth chicks.
In my case, I’m a total sucker for tall, athletic blonde girls with goofy smiles.
Attraction in the truest sense of the word is your mind’s way of steering you towards women that are suitable for getting together with while steering you away from women who aren’t.
Finally, male-female bonding (relationships) is the process where you’re already lusting for, and attracted to a woman. Male-female bonding completes the process and forms an attachment between you and your woman so you can produce a child.
Pretty basic as far as evolutionary psychology goes – but when you think about it in context these motivation systems explain everything from marriage to infidelity.
Marriage, at the end of the day, is just our modern version of male-female bonding, while cheating (emotionally and physically) can be lust, attraction, or a combination of the two.
For the purposes of the rest of this article, we’ll be primarily focusing on the attraction and male-female bonding.
While lust is certainly an important component, it’s not the reason women leave you.
You need to have lust in the first place for her to be attracted to you from the get-go. While improving your looks certainly can help with re-attracting her, it’s not as important as what I’m about to show you.
Why Did She Lose Interest?
I’ve seen a lot of bullshit spouted over the years about why women lose interest.
Perhaps my favorite is some “advice” from TRP (the red pill) on Reddit that states “she’ll leave you if you aren’t Alpha enough!”
Do me a favor, if you believe that, look at the gif below several times until it’s been cleansed from your mind.
There’s never just one reason women lose attraction. The science says there’s almost always at least 2 reasons, if not more. In my experience, it’s almost always multiple things at once.
If you want to learn more about the reasons why she left you, I wrote an entire article about it where I detail the 6 primary reasons why she left you.
Consider it the part 1 of this article.
How To Re-Attract A Girl When She’s Lost Interest After A Few Dates
Now I’m going to give some of you guys a gut punch right now.
If you’re trying to re-attract her after she ghosted you 2 dates in, you’re wasting your time.
You might recover 1/100 of women who do this. It’s just not worth it. Chances are she was never really interested in you to begin with.
Don’t waste your time. Date new women instead.
In order for this technique to work, the woman you’re trying to use it on must have been attracted to you at some point. She also needs to meet a few other qualifications including:
- You’ve had sex with her at least 3 times on 3 separate occasions. Ideally, these will be at least a week apart.
- She lives within 1 hour of you.
- She hasn’t directly told you to get lost.
- She’s NOT your ex-girlfriend and you’ve known her for <3 months.
- She’s a woman you’re actually interested in having a sustained relationship with, even if it’s casual.
Before we continue, let me also tell you which women NOT to use these steps on.
- Your ex-girlfriend, who you were in a committed relationship with.
- Any woman that directly dumped you. As in, she told you to your face that she no longer wants to see you.
- A woman you dumped.
- A woman who left you for another man.
- A woman who has moved over 1 hour away from you.
If she meets ALL of these criteria, follow the steps below to re-attract her.
1: Make Sure She Really Has Lost Interest
There’s 1 very simple rule with women that most men don’t follow.
Talk less and do more.
If you follow this rule, you will have an abundance of drama-free relationships with women.
But most men fuck this one up royally.
And if you’re talking to her on the phone more often then you’re actually going on dates, you are one of them.
It’s easy for a guy to talk a woman who’s interested right out of liking him. He’ll go on a few dates and suddenly he’s calling and texting her all the time to the point where the entire relationship is taking place over the phone and not in person.
Doing this absolutely torpedos her attraction to you.
A woman I dated once said it best: “I can’t fuck myself with my phone”
With that said, if you haven’t heard from her in a couple of days, send her a non-needy message to see what she’s doing.
If she responds, don’t chit chat. Ask her out on a date with a definite time and place. If she agrees, huzzah. You’re good to go. Just make sure you close the deal with her afterward. Women like sex too.
Moving forward, when she reaches out to you in the future, set a date every time!
Don’t waste time talking on the phone. The phone is for setting dates. Not for chit chat.
2: If She Has Lost Interest, Back Off
If she refuses the date invite or flakes on you, go into no-contact.
Read this article about why you absolutely cannot chase women like this.
3: Diagnose What Went Wrong (If Possible)
Once you’ve gone no-contact, you want to try to get to the bottom of why she lost interest. This can be very difficult to do on your own without a few years of solid dating experience across multiple women.
Even worse, your own self-righteous need to preserve your pride can make you turn a blind eye to bad errors. In this case, getting a coach is unbelievably helpful and can save you from years of frustration.
Because the thing is, even after you’ve had sex with a new woman 3 times or more, you’re still on shaky footing. Her investment in you is still low.
You build investment over time, no matter how great you think your connection is at first.
Ultimately, sometimes new women just leave you. It happens to the best of us all the time.
There could be any number of reasons she left you. Maybe your dick game sucked. Maybe you were too needy.
Don’t worry about finding exactly what went wrong, just look for major errors on your end. Figure out where you fucked up, and put a plan in place to fix it if you did!
4: Wait For 3-6 Months (Unless She Reaches Out First)
Now you wait. You want to give her time to forget how you screwed up.
After 3-6 months have passed, and you’ve worked on yourself, send her a quick message to see how she’s doing. If she’s receptive, pitch a date. If she declines, repeat the entire process.
The only exception is if she reaches out on her own. This is a very good sign, and you should pitch a definite date as soon as possible.
If she declines again, put her name and number on a black book list for later, but don’t bother reaching out again unless she reaches out to you first.
5: Ultimately, The Best Solution Is To Date New Women
The more women you have in your life, the less any one particular woman matters to you. Again. Outcome independence is king baby.
Alright, now we need to talk about how to re-attract your ex-girlfriend.
Here’s How You Re-Attract Your Ex-Girlfriend After She’s Lost Interest
Re-attracting your ex-girlfriend is similar to re-attracting a new woman. However, you have a much better chance of re-attracting your ex-girlfriend than you do with a new woman.
Your ex-girlfriend is more invested in you then a random chick.
She’s spent more time with you, had more experiences with you, and more likely than not still loves you on some level.
It’s a lot harder for her to walk away from that than it is to walk away from a guy who she’s slept with a few times.
Now, for this technique to work, the ex-girlfriend you’re using it on should be:
- A woman who you’ve been in a relationship with for at least 3+ months, whether that’s an ex-girlfriend or a starter/franchise player in my dating system. This also assumes you’ve slept with her at least 3 times. If you haven’t slept with her 3 times in 3 months, what the fuck are you doing?
- A woman that dumped you, or was dumped by you.
- A woman who you’ve already gone no-contact with.
- A woman that lives within a 1-hour drive of you. This does not work for long-distance relationships.
- A woman you’re actually interested in resuming a relationship with. Don’t use this if you just want sex with her again. If you just want sex, read this instead.
There are also a few tests you need to pass as well.
- You’ve slept with at least 1 new woman first, ideally multiple times to make sure you don’t have oneitis.
- You understand your ex-girlfriend is not special.
- You’ve broken your ex-girlfriend addiction.
- You’re willing to let her go if it doesn’t work out.
If everything checks out, strap yourself in. Time to rebuild some attraction.
Step 1: Diagnose Exactly What Went Wrong
The major difference between re-attracting an ex-girlfriend and re-attracting a woman who lost interest is in figuring out what went wrong.
When you are in a long term relationship and that relationship ends, there are ALWAYS definite causes. If you want to re-attract your ex-girlfriend, you need to know what they are.
You’re not going to be able to re-attract her without fixing the shit that turned her off in the first place.
Remember: her attraction system is designed to steer her towards guys that are a good fit for her. To be a good fit, you need to know what turns her on and off.
In my experience, there are 6 primary fuck ups that destroy 95% of relationships.
Figure out which ones you fucked up on.
If you need help figuring out exactly what went wrong, I can also help you.
Write down EXACTLY what went sideways on a piece of paper. Normally there are 1-2 major causes, and 2-3 smaller ones.
Step 2: Fix The Problems Before You Do Anything Else
With new women, you can sometimes just wait for them to forget you fucked something up if you give them enough time.
But if you dated a woman for more than 3 months, she’s definitely not going to forget what you did wrong. Chances are, she was focusing on these things for months before your breakup.
So if you want to have any hope of getting her back, you need to be a better version of yourself by the next time you see her.
So let me tell you a little story that will lay out how you do it.
When I first moved to Florida, I dated the lowest drama girl known to man. She never tried to test me no matter what I did.
Let’s call her M.
M was an angel. She was always put together and was sweet and deferential.
In other words, I could do no wrong.
Of course, I didn’t take advantage of her. I was kind, respectful, and I rocked her in the bedroom.
About 4 months into dating M, I went through a rough patch with my business and I had to cancel 3 dates in a row with her.
After that, I noticed she went cold and stopped texting me.
I knew I was on thin ice – because she had never acted this way before.
I could tell it was important to her that I remained consistent. I figured that in her mind, she felt taken advantage of, like her time wasn’t that important because I kept canceling on her for work.
So what did I do? I didn’t pursue harder. I made it a point to fix the problem.
I apologized for not valuing her time, and made an effort to be better. After that, I never missed a date I set again.
And guess what? We never had a problem again after that.
This is what I mean by fixing the problem.
Take ACTION to fix the root cause.
Now here’s where it gets difficult.
Step 2.1: Fix The Problem Through A Habit
There’s a lot of really bad information out there. I mean horrible. Possibly some of the worst information ever.
I’ve seen suggestions like:
- Raise your status by meeting other women (Meeting other women is good, but if you’re doing that just to re-attract her, you’re a chump)
- Be more social (Your time is better invested elsewhere).
- Manipulate her covertly (Are you kidding me?)
- Mind control. Yes, I’m dead serious.
I’ll be straight with you. The truth is, there’s no hack to getting her back. It might sound cool to “manipulate her covertly” but any good woman will see right through your bullshit.
As a rule of thumb, anything that seems like a hack that doesn’t involve work is 100% bullshit.
So what do I mean by doing the work?
You need to focus on 2 things. First, you need to focus on the attraction killing behaviors from before.
You focus on fixing them through habits. For example, if you weren’t listening to her, create a habit where you completely listen to everyone around you BEFORE you even think about what you want to say next.
That habit then needs to become a part of who you are.
Externally, clean your style up, get into the gym, and build an awesome fucking life for yourself.
These will help her lust for you again when you see her next.
Step 3: Wait. Unless You Dumped Her.
If she dumped you, now you need to wait for her to re-evaluate her decision. There’s nothing you can do to speed this process up.
You have to let the idea come to her on her own.
When she starts second-guessing herself, she will reach out to you.
Once she does, follow the procedure here.
If you dumped her, send her a text where you apologize for dumping her. Tell her you were wrong to dump her, and you understand if she wants to stay apart. Make sure you conclude by telling her “If anything changes, give me a call”
Once she calls, use the article above to navigate the meetup.
Step 4: Show Her You’ve Changed (With Action)
By now you’ve had time to fix the problems. Now you need to show her you’ve fixed them.
Don’t just come right out and tell her. Show her.
For example, if you were a shitty listener. On the first date, you might show her you’ve improved your listening by using an active listening strategy.
Just make sure you are consistent! Don’t act one way on the first date and then act a different way on the second date. Otherwise, you’re going to come across like you’re putting on an act, and your ex-girlfriend will see right through you.
Step 5: Focus On Fun
The ultimate key to re-attracting a woman is to focus on having fun with her!
Seriously, no one wants to talk about this. It’s great if you have all the technical shit down, but if you and her can’t enjoy time together then what good is a relationship?
Male-female bonding comes from fun! Repeated positive interactions over time is what leads to that bonding, according to Harvard Research.
After you’ve had between 3-5 dates at your place, start going out and doing free, fun things with her. There’s a million different ideas out there. Be creative.
Step 6: Take Things Slow
Re-attraction is a SLOW process. Don’t rush it. Drawing it out makes it better for her too, as she needs time to process her feelings for you.
My guideline is to only see her in person once a week.
Just as well, don’t immediately start calling and texting her all the time either. You want to build back up to that.
If you feel the need to rush? Don’t. Do you really want to undo months of work just because yo can’t fucking wait?
Be patient. Remember – to build attraction, you need the experience to happen over time.
You can’t cram months worth of good experiences into a few weeks.
Need More Help?
If you want to make re-attracting her effortless, I can help. Book a coaching session with me today and you’ll get a step-by-step plan tailored to help you re-attract your ex-girlfriend so you don’t make any of the fatal mistakes that can turn her off for good.
Let’s talk about a couple of these fatal mistakes.
You Can’t Re-Attract Her Through Text
A lot of guys have asked me “Jack, how can I re-attract her through text?
The answer is really fucking simple.
But for some reason, when I tell guys this, they don’t believe me.
So I went ahead and did some scientific research. And guess what? I’m right.
The reason behind this likely comes down to how attachment is being measured, as it varies across all the studies I encountered.
However, there was one important takeaway from my research that very closely aligns with the patterns I’ve seen over the years.
Male texting frequency was negatively associated with relationship satisfaction and stability scores for both partners while female texting frequency was positively associated with their own relationship stability scores.Using Technology to Connect in Romantic Relationships: Effects on Attachment, Relationship Satisfaction, and Stability in Emerging Adults
In other words, her texting you a lot is good. You texting her a lot is bad.
“Well no shit Jack” you’re probably thinking. “All I have to do is get her talking and I’ll re-attract her through text!”
Not so fast Johnny.
You’re trying to re-attract her, which means she’s naturally going to be more closed off then she would be if you were in a relationship.
In other words, it’s going to be harder to get her talking.
Plus, because texting strips away most of the symbolic meaning we use to communicate, the chances of her taking something you say the wrong way are that much higher.
Don’t waste your time with a “text guide” or any of that other bullshit. You will be very disappointed.
If you look, most suggestings for re-attracting an ex-girlfriend through text come down to:
- Be funny
- Be flirty
- Tell her that you’ve changed
None of these actually address the reason she lost attraction to you in the first place and are window dressing at best.
For example, being funny isn’t going to cut it if she lost attraction to you because you never kept your word.
Don’t even get me started about telling her you’ve changed.
Do you expect she’s going to believe what you say?
If she cheated on you 5 times would you believe her if she told you that there wasn’t going to be a 6th?
But if you don’t agree with me, by all means, try to use texting to re-attract her.
But if you’re like me and want to stick to things that work, read this instead.
It’ll teach you why ignoring her texts is so important and what you should do instead.
With that being said, the fact that texting is out leaves us with another problem…
If You’re Long Distance, Trying To Re-Attract Her Is A Waste Of Time
Do not waste your time trying to re-attract an ex-girlfriend if you are long distance. I get guys asking me all the time how they should go about re-attracting her if they’re doing distance.
The answer is simple. Don’t! Date new women instead.
You can’t build attraction over the phone, as I’ve already shown.
If you really must have her back, move to her fucking town.
Not that that’s creepy or anything…
Remember: your ex-girlfriend is not special. There are women closer to you right this second that are a better fit for you.
So don’t waste your time.
Focus on what’s in front of you, not what’s behind you.
That’s the secret to re-attracting her after she lost interest.