I was just one text away from getting her back.
At least, that’s how I felt, the first time I was dumped. In the week or so afterwards, I must have sent nearly 70 texts that were so needy, even years later I still cringe.
It got to the point where her friend ended up taking her phone. Shortly afterwards, she told me in the nicest way possible I needed to fuck off.
Of course, I didn’t get the hint then. I went right ahead and projected my own attraction instead of listening.
So I called several more times.
No response. Nothing worked.
In frustration, I finally dropped my phone and stopped texting her. I didn’t hear from her for nearly two weeks.
But one night, I saw her name pop up.
Of course, I immediately dropped what I was doing, with my stomach tied in knots.
“Hey” she had said.
In less than 5 minutes I fired off at 3 or 4 needy texts, which she didn’t reply to.
Again, frustrated, I put down the phone in anger, and didn’t hear from her for a month.
Does this sound like something you’re doing right now, or something you’ve done before?
If so, you’re making the BIGGEST mistake you can make if you want to get your ex-girlfriend back.
The fact is, if she dumped you, her attraction to you has plummeted, and you continuing to push her to take you back is only making it worse.
You have to let women come to you when they want. This is even more important for an ex-girlfriend.
So if this sounds like you, I want you to put down your phone, and go read my complete guide to the no-contact rule, before you read any further.
Because if you keep blowing her up, you’re going to push her into the arms of another guy.
So put down the phone, get off of social media and stop worrying that she’s going to find someone else because you’re not “fighting for her”.
I’m going to show you that the most powerful thing you can do to get her back is absolutely fucking nothing.
You need to ignore her until she’s willing to meet up with you again in person. Anything less, and you won’t be getting her back.
You Have To Be Willing To Lose Her To Get Her Back
Once everything is said and done after a breakup, you’re not going to negotiate your way back into her life.
The time for negotiation is over, and if you’re reading this, you’ve already lost the negotiation.
That’s right. You need to accept that your relationship has ended, and that it isn’t coming back.
Because once you accept it’s over, you’re putting yourself in a position of strength.
Accepting that it’s over means you’re able to walk away.
And when you’re able to walk away, you’ll actually have a chance of getting her back.
We’ll talk about why that is in a second.
See, when it comes to getting an ex girlfriend back, there are no guarantees, other than the guarantee that constantly begging her to get back with you will get you jack shit.
Yes, that means ignoring your ex girlfriend could backfire.
This is why it’s important that you get to a place where you truly don’t give a shit what happens next.
A place where you can shrug your shoulders whether you get her back or not. This my friends is outcome independence.
It’s one of the most (if not THE most) attractive quality to women of all stripes.
I wish I could tell you that there’s a magic way to make this happen, but there isn’t, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
There are things that help though.
- Have a kickass life you love living
- Date other women who you think are hot
- Stay active (particularly combat sports, and hit the weights)
- Improve your confidence
- Stay off social media
- Stop jerking off
- Time spent focusing on yourself
Like many things in life, you can also fake it until you make it.
It’s a gradual process, but once you dettatch yourself from what happens next, you’ll be in the best possible position to get her back.
What you’ll have by this point, is outcome independence.
It makes you calm and confident, and it’s like catnip to her.
And it’ll make you okay.
Because your ex-girlfriend is going to need time to rethink what she did, and how she feels about you. This could be weeks, months, or even years.
Women ebb and flow like the tide, and your ex-girlfriend needs time and space to allow herself to understand what she’s really feeling.
There’s a chance she’ll end up meeting other guys, and you have to be unbothered by that possibility.
Because if you’re able to reach the point where you really don’t care what happens with her, you’ll have the maximum possible leverage in any negotiation going forward.
If you want to have the best chance of getting her back, you’ll need any leverage you can get because…
You Can’t Negotiate Attraction
Your girlfriend dumped you because she was no longer attracted to you. At some point during your relationship, you stopped holding up your end of the bargain, and her attraction to you started dropping.
Women will constantly test your strength as a man. Most women don’t even realize they are doing this. It’s little things, like testing to see if you’ll say no, or observing your consistency in doing what you say you’ll do.
They’re easy to miss if you don’t know what to look for.
Even today, I still catch myself slipping on occasion, and failing a test or two.
It probably came as a surprise that she dumped you.
But the signs were there all along, you just weren’t reading them. Most women don’t just wake up and decide to break up with you.
The truth is, your ex-girlfriend may have been thinking about breaking up with you for weeks or even months.
The way it usually happens is simple. She starts taking longer to respond to your texts. Suddenly, her open schedule becomes closes down, and before you know it she’s breaking off your plans together.
When you do see her, she’s much more bitchy then you remember. She might pick fights with you more often. While it once seemed like she was all over you physically, she might seem bored and uninterested at the thought of physical contact or sex.
If she’s someone who always compliments you, you’ll hear less and less of it from her.
The point is, the things she was doing when she was head over heels in love with you will begin to stop.
These little things often go ignored by you and I, but they are her ways of saying “you’re fucking up, you better get your shit straightened out or I’m going to dump you”.
If she’s dumped you, her attraction to you has been dropping for months.
Now, put yourself in her shoes.
Imagine your ex-girlfriend had been harassing you for months and you had enough, and finally left her.
Do you think you would believe her if after the breakup she immediately started begging you to take her back, while promising she’d be better?
Fuck no. If I were in that situation I wouldn’t even give her the time of day.
Now, if your ex-girlfriend dumped you, she’s in the same boat.
When I realized this, I tried to do what my guy brain is trained to do.
Negotiate. I made tons of promises that I knew I wouldn’t keep and spouted all sorts of honeyed bullshit in an effort to show her my value.
But she didn’t care. What I had to offer was no longer appealing.
The same is going to be true for you. Begging, pleading, and listing out all of the reasons she should be with you won’t work.
There’s no way to “rationally” talk your way back into dating her. That’s guy logic, and women don’t operate like that.
Women pick up on what you do, and how it makes them feel, not what you say.
That’s why she can never remember what you said that made her cry, only that you made her cry, and you’re an asshole.
The only way you’re going to make any progress with her is to back off, and let her come to you on her own terms.
Why Ignoring Your Ex-Girlfriend Is Powerful
Ignoring your ex-girlfriend flips the power dynamic on its head.
It tells her that you’ve got other options, and won’t settle for anything less than you deserve.
If you’re like most guys, including myself, you’ve probably begged and pleaded to her to take you back.
How’d that go?
Begging for her back tells your ex-girlfriend that you don’t deserve her. At best, you’ll end up in the friendzone. At the worst, you’ll watch as she happily walks into the arms of another man.
Women want to chase you. She wants to feel like she really had to work to land you.
She also wants it to be her choice.
By the time a woman is about 16, she’ll understand how easy most men are. She’ll have learned that few batted eyelashes can have an army of white knights waiting to do anything she wants.
Some women (but not all) can really work men over.
My sister was so good at this, that before she met my brother-in-law, she’d have guys buying her $100+ dollar sandals, designer purses, and treating her to expensive dinners in return for a date.
She played them like a fiddle.
Now, there’s another class of men beneath boring. There’s the stalker types.
If you’re constantly blowing up her phone, you’re in this category right now.
These are men that don’t know how to take no for an answer, and will try to impose their will on women.
To a woman, easy=boring. Why do you think a lot of women love the Bachelor?
Serial stalker types are even worse. She can put up with boring, at least for a little bit. But stalker types she’ll know to avoid, and that includes you.
You want to be a challenge in the right ways to keep her stimulated and keep her chasing for more.
Ignoring her after the breakup is the first part of restarting that chase.
It’s a signal to her that she’s not messing with the same guy anymore.
When she stops hearing from you, she’ll realize that if she wants you in her life, she’s the one responsible for making it happen.
It’s a sign to her that you may have stopped being boring.
So she’ll test you.
She may not even realize why she’s doing it.
She’ll shoot you a low value text like “hey” much like my ex-girlfriend did, and wait to see how you’ll respond.
If you immediately fire off 15 texts back to back, she’ll see right through you and know you’re full of shit.
I failed this test BADLY several times before I understood.
That’s why it’s so important to ignore her at first.
This Is How Your Ex Feels When You Ignore Her
When you ignore her first attempt to contact you, she’ll be either confused or frustrated.
Both confusion and frustration are good. Women will act according to how they feel. And guess what?
The only way she can get the answers her feelings demand is to reach out to you.
Now, she may not reach out again, but like I said before, that’s the risk you take if you want her back. That’s why it’s important to be outcome-independent.
Because when she first reaches out, everything inside of you is going to be screaming.
Fight it. Wait for her to reach out a second time.
You want to let her emotions build up to such a critical mass that she’ll reach out to you again.
Because if she reaches out a second time, there’s a reason for it. Women are smart. The second time is almost never a test.
If she’s reaching out a second time, she’s interested. It doesn’t mean she’s interested in going out with you again, but it means you’ve aroused enough interest in her where she wants to contact you again.
At that point, if you want her back, you need to invite her out on a date. Don’t try anything else. If she declines, go back to ignoring her.
You should never be the one to reach out. You want her to reach out to you.
And every time she reaches out? Try to set a date, and nothing else.
If she declines your date offer twice, stop offering it as an option unless she brings it up, and ignore her until she does.
If she keeps reaching out but won’t make a date, she’s wasting your time. Don’t let her.
This is the power dynamic flipped upside down – with her coming to you, instead of you begging her to talk to you.
It also starts the chase again, which you need if you want any chance of getting her back again.
It kick starts her feelings, and will make her think about you.
The Power Of Time & Memory
It’s been shown over and over that even though we remember bad memories, we forget how they made us feel.
We also tend to remember the positive memories over the negative ones.
If the bell inside your head isn’t ringing yet, it should be.
At the moment, your ex-girlfriend who dumped you is remembering you in an extremely negative light, where she’s focused on all the things she doesn’t like about you.
But if you wait long enough, it won’t always be like that. Sure, ignoring her doesn’t guarantee anything. It’s completely possible that she’s not coming back. But it gives you the best possible shot.
Because here’s the thing: even though the relationship with your ex-girlfriend isn’t working right now, there was a point when it was. There was a point where she was happy, and she was attracted to you.
Those are positive memories, and they will come back if you give them enough time.
It’s this dynamic that you’re counting on in order to get her back.
Perhaps the biggest benefit of ignoring your ex-girlfriend is that it buys you time.
It buys you time for her feelings to run their course, which makes bad memories of you in the relationship fade.
It’s these experiences that will help you re-attract her. She was already attracted to the old you. If you give it time, it’s possible she’ll be attracted to the new you too.
By ignoring her, you’ve teased that you’re changing. Growing. Becoming more confident. All things that any woman wants.
You’re also giving her the space to chase you again, and to choose when she comes to you, as opposed to you constantly pursuing her.
Now you need to do the hard work to become a more attractive man, that way when she reaches out, the guy she sees is that much better.
The new guy that lets her come to him is a guy she’ll be much more attracted to.
So How Long Should I Ignore Her?
Alright, I know I’m going to get some technical questions here so let me answer these really quick.
Your job isn’t to ignore her for a specified amount of time. That’s the wrong way to think.
If you’re going to be truly outcome independent, you’re not going to put a time limit on this.
As far as you’re concerned, your relationship is over and your ex-girlfriend is never coming back. Your day to day reality needs to reflect that.
Chances are she’ll reach out eventually, but it’s impossible to say how long it will take.
It might take her months to reach out.
Don’t count the days.
Focus on growing and improving yourself every day.
She’ll either come, or she won’t.
At this point, it’s out of your hands. You’re focusing on what you can control (you) instead of focusing on what you can’t control (her).
There are also going to be some of you who feel guilty for ignoring your ex. It’s not rude to ignore your ex-girlfriend. She ended the relationship.
It was her choice.
Now you’re making your own choice, and choosing to ignore her.
You’re single. Being selfish is a part of being single.
So that’s that.
Stop fucking texting her.
Block her on social media.
Become a better you, and let her reach out if she chooses.
Because if you want her back, you need to be in the driver’s seat.