When I met Andrew, he was suffering.
“I can’t get her off my mind” he told me “It’s gotten to the point where it’s hard to sleep because my brain won’t turn off”.
Andrew, a 37-year-old investment banker from New York City was 4 weeks out from a breakup with his long-term girlfriend of 4 years. Like many of my clients, he remained in sporadic contact with his ex-girlfriend.
“Every time we talk, my heart beats fast and my palms sweat,” he said. “Sometimes my chest physically aches. It’s kind of pathetic. I spend all day wanting to talk to her, but then when I do actually to with her, I hurt”
“It’s so difficult to see her act as cold to me. I can feel her slipping further and further away. I can feel her love for me fading, and it hurts. But I can’t stop myself. I can’t stop wanting her, wanting to talk to her”.
Andrew’s situation is heartbreakingly common.
The emotional tug-of-war between the desire to reach out to her, and the guilt, disappointment, anxiety, regret, and sadness you feel afterward is maddening.
For a highly motivated and formerly very focused guy like Andrew, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could continue on like this. He felt like a shell of his former self.
When Andrew sat down to work with me, we identified several areas of his life that needed immediate action if he wanted to move on.
One of those was to implement one of the most profoundly powerful techniques: the no-contact rule.
- 1 What Is The No-Contact Rule?
- 2 What Are The Rules Of No Contact?
- 3 Using The No Contact Rule After Getting Dumped Is The Best Way To Start Feeling Better
- 4 The Success Rate Of The No Contact Rule Is 95.9%*
- 5 The Psychology Behind The No Contact Rule
- 6 How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend Shouldn’t Matter
- 7 How Long Should You Go No Contact With Your Ex Girlfriend?
- 8 How To Use The No Contact Rule Effectively
- 9 How To Stop Yourself From Breaking No Contact
- 10 When To Not Use The No Contact Rule
- 11 What Should You Do If She Breaks No Contact?
- 12 How Long Will It Take No Contact To Start Working?
- 13 3 No Contact Success Stories With Several Of My Ex Girlfriends
- 14 Can No Contact Backfire?
What Is The No-Contact Rule?
The no-contact rule is a defined period of time where you do not contact or see your ex-girlfriend for any reason.
That means you:
- Stop talking to her
- Stop seeing her in person
- Avoid places where you know she will be
During no-contact, your goal is to give yourself a healthy amount of time and space to grieve the end of your relationship without the influence of your ex-girlfriend. In just a minute we will talk about why that is so important.
No contact is critical whether or not you want to get your ex-girlfriend back, or if you want to move on with your life.
If you aren’t using it right now, you should be.
Are there exceptions to this? Yes.
- If you have kids together
- If you work together
- If you have unresolved breakup logistics
- If you still live together
If you fall into one of those groups, we will get to what you need to do in a minute.
Let’s talk about execution in the meantime.
What Are The Rules Of No Contact?
There are 5 rules I give my clients for no contact. You can see all 5 above. We’ll talk about each of these more as we move through the rest of this guide.
Using The No Contact Rule After Getting Dumped Is The Best Way To Start Feeling Better
Getting dumped is hard, there’s no question about it. But you could be making it even harder on yourself without even knowing it.
While it might seem like the best thing to do is talk to your ex-girlfriend, I’m here to tell you that talking it out is only going to make you feel worse.
Every call you make, every text you send is another reminder of her. The more frequently you’re reminded of her, the more attached you’ll be to her. It’s your attachment to her, according to science, that makes getting dumped difficult to get over.
A 2005 study by David A. Sbarra & Robert Emery has shown that without contact, the sadness and emotional attachment you feel towards your ex-girlfriend decreases linearly over time.
In other words, the old adage “time heals all wounds” is as true as ever. Who knew?
Now that’s all well and good until you consider the same study found that contact with your ex-girlfriend can buck the trend line badly.
Contact with one’s former partner, for instance, can stall the emotional adjustment process and reactivate many painful emotions.DAVID A. SBARRA AND ROBERT E. EMERY
In other words, the more contact you have, the longer it takes to get over her. And I’m willing to bet you don’t want to keep suffering, do you?
Reading between the lines here, I think we can draw one big conclusion: contact with your ex-girlfriend isn’t going to make you feel better.
So don’t fucking do it. Here’s what you need to do instead.
The Men’s Breakup Rules Of No Contact
- Delete her phone number.
- Delete her off of social media
- Do not text or call her for ANY reason.
- Ignore her until you have broken your Ex-Girlfriend Addiction.
- Avoid places you know she’ll be.
- Avoid seeing mutual friends.
- You focus on yourself (using the free and paid materials I have here)
- You continue this process until you realize your ex-girlfriend is NOT special.
That’s there is to it. The mechanics of no contact with your ex-girlfriend are simple. But as we’ll talk about in a little bit, just because it’s simple to execute doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy.
The Success Rate Of The No Contact Rule Is 95.9%*
For those of you wondering what the success rate of the no contact rule is, it’s exactly 95.9%.
But truth be told, if you execute the 8 steps I’ve listed above perfectly, the no contact rule has a success rate of damn near 100%.
The version of the no contact rule that I teach has been successful with nearly every man during the 7 years period that Men’s Breakup has been around. At 95.9%, it might as well be automatic if you use it correctly.
If you follow what I am about to teach you, you will either:
- Get over your ex-girlfriend completely, and be able to move on happily with your life (which is the outcome I prefer)
- Put yourself in the best possible position to mend things with your ex-girlfriend, if she chooses to walk back into your life.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
You’re probably wondering where I got that 95.9% number from.
Back in 2020, I surveyed 704 of my readers (who are all guys, just like you) about their success rate with no contact according to the 8 guidelines I’ve set here.
Let’s just say that the results were pretty damn good – even by my definition.
So can you expect the same success rate with no contact?
If you read this entire article and understand why I recommend indefinite no contact with your ex-girlfriend, the answer is a resounding...
I promise you, no other method can match the success rate of using no-contact correctly. If you do it right, you will either get over her or potentially give yourself a chance to patch things up and ultimately get her back.
Despite these amazing results (and the data to back them up), I would argue that there’s still an even greater benefit to following the no contact rule, especially after you’ve been dumped. You can read about it below.
But be warned: in order for you to succeed with the no contact rule, you are going to need to make some major changes to your life. If you are used to talking to your ex-girlfriend every day, it’s going to be difficult to adjust to not talking to her at all.
But I promise you, my friend, it’s worth it. If you can stomach what I’m going to ask you to do, the no contact rule can put you back in the driver’s seat of your life, especially if you are feeling lost and confused.
The Psychology Behind The No Contact Rule
When guys in my coaching program ask me about the psychology behind the no contact rule, most of the time what they are really asking is: will the no contact rule work on my ex-girlfriend? Will it make her miss me?
The first time I heard about the no contact rule, all I cared about is the psychological effect that it would have on my ex-girlfriend. I didn’t care about how it would benefit me, because all I cared about was getting my ex-girlfriend back.
But the truth is, no contact is not about what’s going on in her head. It’s about what’s going on in yours.
So let me ask you, in the last two weeks or so, have you:
- Been thinking about her every day, or almost every day?
- Been unable to eat or sleep since you broke up?
- Become convinced that your ex-girlfriend is somehow better than all the women around you?
- Found yourself obsessing over what she might be doing?
- Tried to covertly figure out what she’s up to?
- Caught yourself dreaming/daydreaming about her whenever you can steal a second of sleep?
- Felt extreme jealousy when seeing another man around her, even if he’s just a friend?
- Gone through all of the pictures you have of her late at night while you can’t sleep?
- Found yourself fantasizing at the thought of touching her or being touched by her?
- Felt constantly empty/depressed without having her around in your life?
- Felt anxious because she’s not around?
- Looked for ways to talk to her without her knowing it’s you?
- Made long and convoluted plans about how to get her back?
- Felt a burst of energy whenever she reaches out to you?
Does that sound familiar? If it does, it’s only because you have a severe case of the dreaded Ex-Girlfriend Addiction™.
The so-called Ex-Girlfriend Addiction™ is far from hyperbole.
Multiple studies have shown that thinking about your ex-girlfriend causes your brain to light like a Christmas tree with neural activity.
Just like a cocaine addict, the Ex-Girlfriend Addiction™ activates areas of your brain that are associated with motivation, reward, and addiction. It’s thought that the activation of these centers is what causes the tangible pain you feel during a breakup.
Moreover, getting dumped exacerbates addiction-like side effects of love which are relatively well documented by science.
- Intense focus on her;
- Mood swings;
- Sweating / pounding heart;
- Emotional dependence;
- Elevated sexual desire;
- Sexual possessiveness;
- Obsessive, sometimes intrusive thoughts;
- Goal-oriented behaviors aimed at keeping her around;
- Increased motivation to keep her around
The psychology behind why the no contact rule works so well is quite similar to the psychology of recovering from drug addiction.
According to the U.S Department of Health and Human Services, recovering from addiction is a process of change where you improve your health and wellness, learn to self-direct your own life, and strive to reach your full potential by getting out from the shadow of your addiction.
Substitute the word addiction with “your ex-girlfriend” and you have what I consider the perfect definition of what no-contact should be. The problem is, that’s not what the no-contact rule is often sold as.
Does No Contact With Your Ex-Girlfriend Get Her Back?
Whether it’s the 30 day no contact rule, the 45 day no contact rule, or the 60 day no contact rule, you may have seen no contact marketed as a magic cure that is meant to convince your ex-girlfriend to get back together with you.
But that, my friend, is not what no contact is meant for.
The purpose of the no contact rule is not to get your ex-girlfriend back. Its purpose is to help you get yourself back. It’s meant to help give you the physical, emotional, and spiritual separation from her that you need to start building a life of long-term, masculine happiness.
Instead of focusing on getting back together with her, you should be focused on yourself. When you focus on yourself and not on your ex-girlfriend, a funny thing starts happening: you actually start to feel better.
And guess what happens when you start to feel better? You put yourself in a much better position if your ex-girlfriend decides that she wants to walk back into your life.
You’ll recall above in my survey, 37% of the men I surveyed found that no contact worked to get their ex-girlfriends back. This wasn’t just because they followed the no contact rule. They did the work, on themselves, and their relationship patterns as I talk about here and in my coaching program.
Remember: no contact is about you, not about her.
When you perform the no contact rule AND focus on yourself, what you are in effect doing is decreasing the amount of stimulation that your brain receives from your ex-girlfriend. As you turn your focus inward and begin to retrain your brain to engage with the people and activities around you instead of her, the feelings of love you experience for her will decrease.
As this happens over time, the extreme symptoms of your Ex-Girlfriend Addiction will begin to diminish, and eventually vanish.
Think about how it would feel right now if the pain you were feeling completely vanished. What does your life look like without it?
As you begin to reassert control over your life again, multiple studies have shown that as you look inward and regain your functioning, you can expect to see improvements in the quality of future relationships, as well as a greater sense of happiness and self-worth.
To make it simple, the entire premise of the no contact rule is to give you the best chance to break your Ex-Girlfriend Addiction once and for all so you can actually start feeling better. This is how the no contact rule helps you move on.
Before we move on, I do need to address the elephant in the room.
How No Contact Affects Your Ex Girlfriend Shouldn’t Matter
I realize that deep down, there is at least a small part of you that is holding on to hope that going no contact with your ex-girlfriend is going to lead to her missing you. I get it. I’ve been in your shoes before.
I can understand that chances are, you’re also a bit worried that she’ll forget about you while you aren’t contacting her. Perhaps you’re also worried that no contact will hurt her, or make her feel angry.
But let me remind you of something: the only person that you have control over is yourself. You have no control over what she is thinking or feeling. Nor do you have control over her reaction or her lack of a reaction. To assume that you have power over her thoughts and feelings is arrogance personified.
The only person you can control is yourself. The only person’s reactions you will ever completely understand are yours.
To assume that you or I can predict how no contact will affect your ex-girlfriend is equally arrogant because neither of us is her. We don’t share her unique set of memories, experiences, beliefs, and circumstances.
You aren’t doing this for her, anyway. You are doing this for you. She made the decision to end things. You get to make the decision to move forward.
So let’s get very clear about how no contact will affect your ex-girlfriend so we can put this topic to rest once and for all.
Will She Forget Me During No Contact?
Your ex-girlfriend is not going to forget you during no contact. Just because you aren’t talking to her doesn’t mean that the memories you made together will go away. More likely than not, she will carry forward the memories you shared for a lifetime – especially if you had an emotionally serious relationship.
I know that you aren’t worried about the memories going away, though. The “will she forget me” objection is another way to say that you are worried that you won’t get her back. If that’s the case, read the linked article below. I’ve addressed this objection before.
Will No Contact Make Her Miss Me?
As I said before: it’s impossible to be 100% sure that she’s going to miss you. With that said, I’m willing to stake my reputation on the line here and say that the chances she will miss you during no contact are good.
She was in a relationship with you for a reason. No matter how terrible you were during the relationship there was still something that kept her with you.
I did everything wrong in my first relationship. I mean that – I still shake my head and laugh at my role in that very unhealthy relationship. But despite all that, she still missed me.
And your ex-girlfriend will probably miss you too. That can be a good thing if you want to get back together with her at some point. Don’t get your hopes up though. If you want to learn more about why, read the article below.
Read More: She Will Miss You, But It May Not Matter
But What If My Ex-Girlfriend Gets A New Boyfriend During No Contact?
You can’t live your life in fear of what she may or may not do. You are following no contact because you want to feel better, not because you want to get her back. What she is doing with her life isn’t important – and that’s the whole point. You should be focused on what you are doing, not what she is doing.
Besides, think about how you will come off if you can’t give her space even when she’s seeing someone new.
It comes across like you are needy, insecure, and lack the confidence to truly walk away. If you truly want her back, that’s not how you want her to see you.
So please, for your own good, don’t worry if she is dating someone new or not. What she is up to is none of your business.
Chances Are, She Will Experience A Range Of Emotions During No Contact
Wondering if your ex-girlfriend will get upset about no contact?
It’s certainly possible. Anger is one of the 5 stages that both the dumper and the dumpee may go through after the breakup.
She may accuse you of quitting on her or giving up on the relationship.
On the other hand, it’s also possible she will feel sad and lonely without you.
Remember the golden rule though: neither of us can predict what she is going to feel. What we can do is make an educated guess on the basis of psychology and personal experience.
Emotions She May Experience After The Breakup 
How she’ll react to these emotions really depends on her. Again, you can’t control her reactions. You can only control yourself. Just because she’s angry or sad doesn’t mean you should break no contact. Remember – no contact is about helping yourself to feel better, not getting her to engage with you.
With that in mind, if she’s angry at you after no contact, that’s often a sign that she’s still invested in your relationship.
Still curious about why she’s reacting so poorly to no-contact?
How Long Should You Go No Contact With Your Ex Girlfriend?
Because no contact with your ex-girlfriend isn’t about getting her back, you should go no contact for as long as you need to. For most men I work with, I recommend indefinite no contact with your ex-girlfriend unless you have a special situation.
Why do I recommend indefinite no contact with your ex-girlfriend?
The answer is simple: because your recovery has no timeline. You should take as long as you need. Putting a time limit on it pressures you to confine your healing to a certain time window.
But every man is different – so don’t confine yourself to a box.
How To Use The No Contact Rule Effectively
Let’s revisit the definition of addiction recovery from above:
Recovering from addiction is a process of change where you improve your health and wellness, learn to self-direct your own life, and strive to reach your full potential by getting out from the shadow of your addiction.
With this definition in mind – to take full advantage of the no contact rule, you need to do 3 things effectively.
- Don’t contact her for any reason.
- Focus on your emotional and physical healing.
- Begin the process of building your life of long term, masculine happiness.
Ironically, the hardest part of no contact is theoretically the easiest: not contacting her for any reason.
Prepare For Your Weak Moments Ahead Of Time
While you might be gung-ho about no contact right now, are you really going to feel the same way when you’re laying in bed, reading something you want to send her? What about when you’re desperately missing her?
Relying on willpower is a losing battle – because you are going to want to reach out at some point. So let’s take advantage of you being strong right now to make it harder when temptation strikes.
Start by deleting her number. Follow that up by removing her on any messenger apps that you have. I also recommend you block her number as well, because you don’t want to be notified if she reaches out to you during no contact.
Finally, I strongly recommend that you either remove her from all your social media accounts or take a break from social media entirely.
I talk more about why in the article below, which I consider a must-read.
Once you’ve done that, all you need to do is keep the faith that no contact will work for you. Don’t contact her for any reason.
This is one of those things that sounds easy in theory, but you know how hard it is. Why else would you be reading this guide?
If I can give you one tip to keep you going during no-contact, it’s to stay busy. Your mind is going to naturally wander, and you don’t want it to wander onto your ex.
It’ll help carry you through your shitty days, which you’ll have your fair share of. When I was undertaking this process for the first time, it took me almost 3 weeks of no contact before I felt even marginally better.
I wasn’t focused on setting and achieving a goal, however, so I was just aimlessly waiting. I spent a lot of time thinking about her and hurting that I could have avoided if I was focused on something else. Indeed it was only when I began to get more goal-oriented that I started to feel normal again.
Setting goals is important because forces you to focus. While focus won’t take away the pain, it will give you something to look forward to – which is the key.
In turn, goal setting will give you a direction, which you are probably sorely lacking. Having a direction is one of the pillars to rebuilding your confidence.
You Must Prioritize Emotional Healing And Reflection
When you’re not in contact with your ex-girlfriend, your mind can take the time to honestly reflect on your failed relationship and where you want to go moving forward.
What it can’t do is objectively view the entire thing while you’re still actively feeling pain from the relationship.
No contact will allow that pain to abate, and will then allow you to reflect as the haze clears from your mind. Your brain needs this time completely free from her in order to rationalize it.
Journaling during no-contact is a great way to take advantage of your power for reflection. 20 minutes of journaling a night, where you speak honestly about your thoughts and feelings will go a long way.
As you progress in no-contact, you’ll be able to see your mindset improve over time. Hell, almost 6 years later I still read my old journals to see how far I’ve come. It’s extremely rewarding to have that insight into your thoughts, which you can analyze on a big picture level later on.
However, just allowing yourself time to reflect isn’t enough. Your mind will wander, and you want to have a plan in place. The idler you are, the easier it will be for thoughts to creep in that you don’t want.
You want to involve yourself in new activities and spend time with friends. You also want to make sure you’re setting and achieving goals, which will help you expedite your recovery.
Not sure what types of goals you should be setting to prioritize your recovery? I can help you.
Use Goal Setting and Focused Achievement To Restore Your Confidence
Goal setting and achievement are two of the cornerstones of building long-term, masculine happiness, on top of building bulletproof confidence.
If you’re feeling aimless, setting a goal will help you refocus on the present instead of living in the past or wondering what the future will bring.
If your breakup was particularly shitty, crushing a big goal helps to right the ship. It seems like common sense, but I rarely see it practiced.
So set a personally salient goal.
There are hundreds of great books written about goal setting.
My personal favorite is Maximum Achievement, which you should go and get immediately.
Pick a meaty goal. Something you will feel really damn proud of when you finish it. Something with plenty of smaller steps that need to be completed in order to make it happen. Write down this goal, and all the steps and then paste it somewhere you’ll see it often.
If you’ve set an effective goal that you’re reminded of often, it will stick.
Give a small piece of each day to accomplish one of the steps on the goal. It’s this consistency in getting a little bit closer each day that will keep you going. You’ll start to think about the goal more, and your ex less.
Of course, it won’t always be easy, and sometimes you will think about your ex-girlfriend.
How To Stop Yourself From Breaking No Contact
Like I mentioned before, even if you are gung-ho about no contact right now, there are going to be moments when it’s freaking hard.
I estimate between 65-70% of the men I work with will break the no contact rule at some point.
There are going to be things you want to share with her. There will be nights you’ll lay awake at night and want to talk like you used to. Let’s not forget the bad days at work or school when you’ll instinctively want to reach out to her for comfort.
That’s not to mention if she reaches out to you instead, which isn’t uncommon.
I’ll be honest – the first 2-3 weeks of no contact are often the most painful for the men I work with.
But once you get through this first couple of weeks, it does get easier. I promise.
But occasionally you’ll have those crippling moments of weakness. They’ll come less often as you become accustomed to not talking.
But they will come, and it’s not always practical to just resist. Sometimes you’ll get yourself so worked up.
I used to try calling someone else whenever I wanted to reach out to my old exes, but that never worked. I’d always get overcome by emotions and send the text.
Of course, I always regretted it based on how I felt after. You probably will too, if you break no contact and reach out to her. Assuming you are keeping yourself on a solid daily regiment where you are staying busy, that is half the battle. But there is no controlling your thoughts.
Honestly, the best thing you can do when you want to reach out to her depends on where you are.
If You Are Out In Public When The Urge To Reach Out Hits
If you are out in public, my best advice is to immediately turn off your phone when the urge to reach out hits. Turn it off, and focus as best as possible on what is happening around you.
Try to be present in the moment. A good way to ground yourself is to focus on being mindful of your present situation. There are numerous strategies that you can find, including several that I talk about in my upcoming book. Do a quick Google search and find one that works for you, because this article is already pushing 6,000 words.
If You Are Alone When The Urge To Reach Out Hits
My best advice is to do two things.
First, bookmark this article on your phone and return to it when the urge to reach out hits. Re-read the entire article.
Secondly, if the weather allows, leave your phone at home and go for an hour-long walk. The sunshine and exercise will go a long way. These are two of my favorite strategies – which hopefully you won’t need to use often.
Sticking to a disciplined regiment of goal achievement, journaling regularly, and just not talking to her will work. Are you sticking to that?
Because the triumvirate is specifically designed to help you move on.
Unfortunately, though, there are times where you shouldn’t use the no-contact rule.
When To Not Use The No Contact Rule
Of course, if you have kids, no contact will not fly unless you have sole custody.
However, you can still use a form of limited contact, where you only negotiate with your ex on matters of childcare and visitation.
But I’ll let others cover that. I don’t have any kids, so I don’t really have much experience on that front.
The other situation is if your ex has property of yours, or vice versa. Don’t use no-contact until you’ve given back her stuff and gotten back any of yours.
Otherwise, you should always use the no contact rule after a breakup.
What Should You Do If She Breaks No Contact?
I know your first instinct is going to be to reply. Not so fast.
If your heart is racing, and your palms are sweating, you are better off deleting the message.
Again, if you followed my advice and you blocked her number, this wouldn’t be a problem.
It’s not when you can stop thinking about her entirely. That will take months, if not years to happen. It’s when you can think about, laugh about, and otherwise respond to her without negative emotion that you’re ready.
If you see your ex-girlfriend, you won’t feel bothered. Instead, you’ll shrug, and go on your merry way. You’ll see her name on your phone and not care too much.
If you can think about her without reaction, you’re in a good place where you can respond if you so choose. What you do next depends on why she’s reaching out and what you want. I cover that here.
If you aren’t indifferent about your ex-girlfriend yet, you aren’t ready to reply! Prioritize your own recovery and ignore her. You’ll have other chances.
If you aren’t going to reply, delete the message. You should have blocked her, but if you didn’t, don’t give yourself the temptation.
This might make her angry, but remember, you two are broken up and you owe her nothing.
There are certain scenarios where replying is worth it – but without knowing details about your unique situation it’s impossible to tell you for sure. If you want to give me more information about your breakup, I can give you tailored advice. Just click the button below.
How Long Will It Take No Contact To Start Working?
If you are wondering what to expect during no-contact, I’ve put together this rough timeline to give you an idea of how you MIGHT feel based on men I have coached, as well as the limited scientific research on this subject.
This timeline is NOT set in stone, it’s simply an idea of what you can expect if you read my material regularly and or join my coaching program.
|Length Of Time On No Contact||How You’ll Probably Feel|
|After 1 week of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||Talking to her is still a habit, and you will probably want to reach out to her often. |
You will miss her and probably will wonder how she is doing, but it shouldn’t be too hard to stick with no contact.
|After 2 weeks of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||Not much will have changed at this point. The first 2-3 weeks are always the longest, and it tends to get easier afterward. |
It’s usually around this point where it really sinks in that you are newly single.
|After 3 weeks of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||By this point, you’ll have fought off at least one or two strong urges to contact her. |
Chances are, it’s getting easier not to contact her. Even if it hasn’t quite gotten easy yet, just stick with it.
|After 1 month of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||Not much will have changed between the 3 weeks to 1-month timeline. You’ll likely still be dealing with urges to reach out. |
By now though, you should be seeing things with a slightly clearer head. I’m also willing to bet you will have made the mental shift from doing no contact to get her back, to doing it for yourself.
|After 2 months of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||Around this time, sticking to no contact should be getting easier. |
You’re not checking your phone every morning and looking for a text from her.
It’s normal to still want her back at this point, especially if you had a long relationship (1+ years)
|After 3 months of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||By the 3 month mark, the daily urges to reach out should be gone. |
You may still feel the need to reach out, and it’s still normal to want her back.
Around this time your confidence should start to return if it hasn’t already.
|After 4 months of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||By 4 months, you are on a roll. If you’ve stuck with no contact for 4 whole months without breaking it, you are well on your way forward.|
|After 5 months of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||After 5 months, it shouldn’t even feel like no contact anymore – it should feel like the status quo. |
You might think about texting her from time to time, but it’s more about curiosity than need.
|After 6 months of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||By the 6 month mark, the urge to reach out should be completely gone. While you may not have adapted completely to the breakup, the worst of emotional effects should have ended.|
|After 8 months of no contact with your ex-girlfriend||By the 8 month mark, you should have come a long way. Now you are taking the action to move on with your life. Pat yourself on the back once you’ve made it this far. |
You’ve still probably got work to do, especially if it was a long relationship, but if you’ve followed my recommendations you are most likely a completely different man from when you started.
3 No Contact Success Stories With Several Of My Ex Girlfriends
Now obviously, I don’t advocate using no-contact with the intention of trying to get back together with your ex-girlfriend. That is not the point, as we have already discussed.
But I also understand where you are at: even if logically it makes sense that you need to do no contact to get yourself back, I know part of you is extremely motivated by the thought of getting back together with your ex-girlfriend.
So please understand, my motive for telling you these no contact success stories with my ex-girlfriends isn’t to suggest that no contact will help you get back together with your ex-girlfriend. It’s to show you how I made the mental shift from chasing to focusing on myself.
Once you’re able to successfully execute no contact for 1-2 months, it becomes much easier to shift your mindset from doing it for her, to doing it for you. So feel free, to get motivated by reading these stories, but understand that there’s a good chance you won’t want her back if you stick to no contact for long enough.
No Contact Success With My First Ex-Girlfriend: Gia (2 Months Of No Contact)
I talk about Gia a lot here, for several reasons. She was the first long-term relationship I had, at over 3.5 years. I also did next to everything wrong in our relationship, and after it ended. I made every mistake in the book.
I begged I pleaded, I wrote her letters, and even showed up at her house several times. Sometimes I look back and laugh at my ineptitude and lack of confidence back then.
After she broke up with me, I stumbled upon the no contact rule and initially used it with the intent to get her back, as I mentioned at the beginning of this article. I waited for 30 days and then reached out to her. Nothing. So I waited for another 30 days and then tried reaching out again.
This time, I was successful.
We met up, went on a “date” and then went back to her house to talk things out. I didn’t have the blueprint back then, so I made every mistake in the book and quickly lost my composure. I came on too strong, too soon.
Could the relationship have been saved? I can’t speak for her, but I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to bridge that gap at the time. We were just too far apart and wanted different things. I had a chance – but I wasn’t in the right position to capitalize on it.
Over the next several months, we’d alternate between weeks of no contact and then seeing each other. After the first round or so of this pattern, I start looking inward and asking myself difficult questions. I saw the writing on the wall, and I began to emotionally move on.
After about 4 months of this back and forth dance, we met up for a final time and had one last date. Not too long after, she told me that she was ready to move on. This time, I was prepared to let her go for good. I had experienced real success with no contact: I had done the work, and I was ready to move on. So was she. I like to think we parted on good terms, but it’s impossible for me to know for sure.
It certainly helped that I was seeing someone else who I liked.
No-Contact Success: Paige (1 Month Of No Contact)
In the background, while I was in a back and forth with Gia, I was seeing another woman named Paige. Paige is a great example of how the no-contact rule can work even if the relationship didn’t last for very long.
The relationship dynamic with Paige was different than Gia’s. Our relationship was shorter, and there was a greater degree of attachment anxiety and some codependency that I wasn’t completely aware of until afterward. When we hit a rough patch after about 6 months of dating, I understood where she was coming from.
I was still making the adjustment to life without Gia.
This time around, I resolved myself not to make the same mistakes with Paige as I did with Gia. I didn’t beg. I simply accepted the breakup and started the process of moving on.
By this point, I knew that no contact worked, and I immediately vanished from her day-to-day. I deleted her on social media, blocked her number, and I stopped hanging out with our mutual friends.
She didn’t say anything and I figured that was that. I was extremely sad, but I held my resolve myself and moved on. This time around, I set goals for myself. I continued to work on the business I had started after my breakup with Gia. I dialed up my workouts in the gym and before long, I was crushing PRs.
About a month later, we both ended up on a bus to New York City. We talked on the way up, and I could feel the change. Later on that night, we ended up making out at a bar. She then followed me home where we passionately made love.
Once again, no contact had worked. She even told me that the space I had given her was exactly what she needed. She admitted to thinking about me frequently.
On my part, during the no-contact period, I realized that I had come up short in several key areas. I had failed to set good boundaries, and admittedly I had done a poor job of listening to her.
We ended up dating for another year until I eventually decided to end things because I wanted to go in a new direction.
These two stories best illustrate how no-contact works on very different women. Paige and Gia were opposites. They came from different countries and were at opposite ends of the wealth spectrum.
Of course, these were fairly short no-contact periods.
No-Contact Success: Lisa (8 Months Of No Contact)
For those of you wondering if you can go no-contact with an ex-girlfriend for more than 6 months, the answer is yes.
Lisa was a great example of this. I met Lisa in early 2013, and we had been friends while I had dated both Gia and Paige. I always knew Lisa valued me as more than a friend, even though I was not particularly good with women when we first met.
Lisa and I had dated for about 7 months when she dumped me for being too focused on work.
Shortly after she left me, Lisa met someone else and they got into a relationship. I wouldn’t learn about this until after the fact, because I knew that I needed to completely cut contact if I wanted to move on.
This time around, I followed the no contact rule with the intention to focus on myself. The breakup with Lisa had been difficult. It hurt because I really had liked her. But I knew that I wanted to move on with my life. By this point, I had realized one of the fundamental tenants of long-term, masculine happiness: your purpose should be the center of your life.
By the time 6 months had passed, I had moved on. I figured she had too. At the time, it felt like my first true no-contact success story. In those 6 months, I had realized that it wasn’t because of work that she has left me. It was because I had stopped dating her, and treating her like she deserved to be treated.
After about 8 months, I felt excellent. I had completely changed my outlook on life and on relationships when one day she sent me a Facebook Message.
“Can we talk?”
Since we had been friends for so long before our relationship, I obliged.
I invited her over to my house to find out she had broken up with the guy she was seeing. She was unhappy with his neediness and his desire to control her.
We talked things out, and she admitted she wanted to give it another shot. I had moved on, so I wasn’t as keen to go back to that. For a time, we were friends with benefits, until I realized that she had only agreed to the arrangement because she wanted to get back together.
Can No Contact Backfire?
The truth is, if you do it right no contact will work for you 100% of the time. Because the purpose of no-contact is to help you heal, not to get her back, you can be assured it will always work.
If you’re following my no-contact method, you’re focusing on getting better through goal setting. As you accomplish more, you’ll start to attract new women.
See where I’m going with this?
No-contact primes you to have a choice. It’s not an accident that I met Paige after no contact with Gia. Because I was so focused on getting better, I was getting a lot of attention.
In effect, no-contact ended up getting Gia back AND getting me someone better.
You have nothing to lose by going for no contact. It will never backfire because you will get better, and you will give yourself the greatest chance of getting her back.
So what are you waiting for?
Take control of your life again. Go no-contact, and you’ll get better, get her back, or get someone even better.
So get going.