I’m sorry that you’re reading this.
I really am.
I know for many of you the process of no-contact with your ex-girlfriend is one of the first things you want to learn about after your breakup.
It was one of the first after mine, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.
But this guide isn’t about me. It’s about you.
It’s about how the no-contact rule will change your breakup if you do it right. It can help do everything from healing your broken heart all the way to getting your ex-girlfriend back.
I won’t beat around this bush with you. Let’s get into it.
Using the no contact rule after a breakup is the best way to start feeling better.
Right now I know you’re not feeling 100%. Breakups are hard, there’s no way around that. The thing is, you could be making it even harder on yourself without even knowing it.
While it might seem like the best thing to do is talk to your ex-girlfriend, I’m here to tell you that talking it out is only going to make you feel worse.
Every call you make, every text you send is another reminder of her. The more frequently you’re reminded of her, the more attached to her you’ll remain which makes it that much harder to get over a breakup.
A 2005 study by David A. Sbarra & Robert Emery has shown that without contact, the sadness and emotional attachment you feel towards your ex-girlfriend goes down linearly with time.
In other words, the old adage “time heals all wounds” is as true as ever. Who knew?
Now that’s all well and good, until you consider the same study found that contact with your ex-girlfriend fucks the trend line up pretty badly.
In other words, the more contact you have, the longer it takes you to get over your ex-girlfriend and start feeling better.
Reading between the lines here, I think we can draw one big conclusion: contact with your ex-girlfriend isn’t going to make you feel better.
So don’t fucking do it. Here’s what you need to do instead.
- Delete her phone number.
- Delete her off of social media
- You don’t text her. You don’t call her.
- You don’t respond to any of her attempts to text or call you until you’ve broken your Ex-Girlfriend Addiction.
- You avoid places where you know she’ll be.
- You stop seeing her friends.
- You start working on yourself.
- You continue this process until you realize your ex-girlfriend is NOT special.
That’s all it is. It’s that simple. It’s really not that difficult. If you’re reading these words, you can use the no-contact rule successfully!
After over 5 years of helping guys like you get over their breakups, I can tell you that following these 8 steps work 100% of the time. If you follow them you’ll:
- Get over her completely and be a much stronger man OR
- Get her back and have a better relationship than ever (if you do the work)
To really drive this point home, I’m going to share some data with you. Over the last 4 months, I’ve surveyed nearly 700 men about their experience with no-contact.
The results were about what I expected. It really does work, and it works well.
58.6% of men got over their ex-girlfriends using no-contact.
37.3% got her back.
2.8% said it didn’t work.
1.3% were other responses.
Not bad odds, am I right?
I promise you, no other method can match the success rate of using no-contact correctly. The data and the researchers both agree: no contact is the best way to start feeling better.
More importantly, though, no contact gives you a chance to turn your breakup into a catalyst for positive change in your life.
Not contacting her at all will be a major change to your routine, which can make it easier to change other aspects of your life as well.
Many of the best parts of my life today are thanks to the changes I made during my first use of the no-contact rule way back in 2015.
I’m still grateful to this very day that I stumbled upon this secret.
Yeah, it’s that good.
So how does no-contact work?
Okay, you’ve read this far. Now I’ve gotta break some news to you. Right now, you’re an addict.
You’ve got a serious case of the dreaded Ex-Girlfriend Addiction.
No, that’s not hyperbole. Science shows that thinking about your ex-girlfriend causes your brain to light like a Christmas tree with neural activity. The best part is, your brain actually craves this experience. It’s similar to using cocaine.
If you haven’t heard, cocaine is pretty addictive.
Strangely, breakup suffers and cocaine addicts both share similar activation of centers in the brain that deal with motivation, reward, and addiction. It’s thought that the activation of these centers is what causes the tangible pain you feel during a breakup. This dopamine rush is what’s dangerous, especially because your brain becomes wired for it.
Damn, that was a lot less fun than I expected it to be.
At it’s most fundamental level, no contact works by cutting off the source of your addiction: your ex-girlfriend.
Every time you talk to her, or think about her more than just acutely, your brain is flooded with dopamine even though it hurts. By cutting her off, you’re giving your brain time to rewire its connections and cease being addicted to her.
Constantly flooding your brain with dopamine drives it to seek more dopamine, which will make you feel worse. As this negative feedback loop intensifies, the pain worsens.
This is part of the reason the pain from a breakup doesn’t hit you immediately, instead choosing to creep up down the road in the ensuing days and weeks.
But, your brain isn’t all bad.
During a breakup, certain areas of your brain are activated that are associated with mindful decision making. In other words, your brain is telling you that it wants you to make good decisions that will help you grow. It’s like a built in safety valve.
This is why breakups can be such a powerful catalyst for change. Your brain is far more motivated than usual to shake things up when you’re in a rut and mindful that change can be good.
Science also shows that as time passes with no contact, areas of your brain associated with attachment activate less. In other words, it’ll get easier as time goes on.
Time heals all wounds, after all.
Now you’ve got some time to kill. Guess what you’re going to be doing with this time?
If you answered crack, welllll. Not sure what to tell you.
But if you answered work on yourself, you’re in luck. You’ve got a motivated brain, and the time to use it in.
You’ll need to avoid her if you want to unlock your brain, however.
Why no-contact is so important after a breakup
To take advantage of your brain’s newfound power, however, you need to ignore your ex-girlfriend. Every time you contact her, you flood your brain with dopamine and prolong the cycle of pain.
You’re going to want to reach out to her a lot.
It’ll be your natural instinct for a while. The thing is, the more you reach out, the slower your recovery is going to be.
You’ll get stuck in the back and forth of being hopeful and being crushed. You won’t be able to honestly reflect and grow until you escape this emotional vortex. We can only learn and grow from our experiences after we’ve put aside emotional judgment.
And like it or not, she will make you emotional.
That’s why you need to cut her off. You need to process the emotions you already have, not add more.
Plus, you do want her back, right?
I know, you thought I had forgotten about you guys that want to get her back.
As I said before, if you want to get her back you have to go no-contact. So let’s look at it from her point of view.
How does no-contact work on her?
See, she likes mysteries.
Not the “Top 10 Strangest Disappearances” type, more like the ones where she can’t quite put her finger on it, type.
So she has to wonder about it endlessly, her brain working furiously to figure out that one thing.
The more she thinks about it, the more doubt she’ll feel. She’ll wonder why she hasn’t heard from you.
“Did I make the right choice? Is he already moving on?”
Yeah, if you haven’t guessed by now, this is how no-contact works on her. Think about it from her point of view.
She’s so used to hearing from you all the time. To suddenly have you vanish is new. She’ll naturally wonder why, as even if she broke up with you chances are she’ll still think of you.
Her curiosity will itch to be satisfied.
And what happens when you can’t scratch an itch?
The need to scratch that itch gets stronger.
In other words, her desire for you will increase. She’ll start to think of you in a more favorable light as her memories of your missteps are masked initially by curiosity, and then by forgetfulness.
Part of no-contact is out waiting and outwitting women. You’ve gotta be patient. Too often you’ll see over eager guys place a day limit on no-contact. They’ll reach the 30 day mark and then proceed to blow up her inbox.
But guess what?
Machine gunning her inbox does not work.
Don’t make the same mistake I have!
Out-waiting her means letting her come to you freely at her own pace. It’ll happen as more time passes and she gets increasingly curious about you.
It may take two weeks, or two months. That’s part of the reason you can’t put a time limit on it! You just won’t know until you use it.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking it takes only 30, 45, or 60 days. It will take as long as it needs to, and not a second more.
Don’t feel the need to force the issue. Even while you’re on no-contact, she won’t forget you.
Will she forget you during no-contact?
Just because it could take months doesn’t mean she’ll forget you. Of course, this depends on how long and serious your relationship was. As a general rule of thumb, it’ll take her about as long as you two dated in order for her to forget you.
So don’t stress. You have plenty of time.
If you want to forget about her while you’re on no-contact, I’ve written a guide on it here.
Plus, if she forgets you on no-contact, why do you want her back? Do you really want to date someone who thinks so little of you that they’ll immediately forget you?
If she’s worth the think, she won’t forget you. She’ll miss you.
Will no-contact make her miss me though?
She was in a relationship with you for a reason. No matter how terrible you were during the relationship there was still something that kept her with you.
At one point she found comfort with you, and it’s totally normal to miss that.
Why do you think you miss your bed during the day? We hold out for the things that make us comfortable.
What I can’t tell you is how long it will take her to miss you. The timing will differ with the woman. The range can be anywhere from days, to many months.
Women are complicated. What’s new?
Of course, when it works on her, make sure you prioritize your recovery first. Just because she misses you doesn’t mean you need to break no-contact.
Because she will reach out, often before you are ready.
It won’t happen overnight though, as I’ve previously said. Plus, if you want to be ready for her you’ll need to be a better version of you.
So use you better use your time without talking to her well!
How to use the no-contact rule effectively
To use no contact effectively, you really only have to do three things well.
- Not contacting her (were you expecting different?)
- Prioritize emotional healing and reflection
- Grow through goal setting and achievement
The whole purpose of no-contact is to give you room to heal without her influence. So it’s imperative that you start no-contact by getting rid of any means you have to contact her.
You’re going to want to reach out at some point. You have to make it harder on future you so you’re less inclined to do it and slow down your recovery.
Start by doing a sweep for her on your phone and make sure you clean any evidence of her out.
After you’ve cleared your phone, do the same thing with your computer. Put any photos of her you have on your computer on a flashdrive and then hide them somewhere.
Pat yourself on the back afterwards. You’re almost done.
Now all you have to do is just NOT contact her. That’s it. Muster up the discipline to ignore her. Just don’t contact her, for any reason.
This is one of those things that sounds easy in theory, but you know how hard it is. Why else would you be reading this guide?
If I can give you one tip to keep you going during no-contact, it’s to stay busy. Your mind is going to naturally wander, and you don’t want it to wander onto your ex.
It’ll help carry you through your shitty days, which you’ll have your fair share of. When I was undertaking this process for the first time, it took me almost 3 weeks of no-contact before I felt even marginally better.
I wasn’t focused on setting and achieving a goal however, so I was just aimlessly waiting. I spent a lot of time thinking about her and hurting that I could have avoided if I was focused on something else. Indeed it was only when I began to get more goal oriented that I started to feel normal again.
Setting goals is important because it focuses your brain. It’ll keep her from coming to mind, and then flooding your brain with the dopamine you want to keep it away from.
In turn, goal setting will give you a direction, which you are probably sorely lacking. Having a direction is one of the pillars to rebuilding your confidence. Plus, when your ex does decide to text you, you’ll be a better person than the one she left.
Prioritize emotional healing and reflection.
When you’re not in contact with your ex-girlfriend, your mind can take the time to honestly reflect on your failed relationship and where you want to go moving forward.
What it can’t do is objectively view the entire thing while you’re still actively feeling pain from the relationship.
No-contact will allow that pain to abate, and will then allow you to reflect as the haze clears from your mind. Your brain needs this time completely free from your ex in order to rationalize it.
Journaling during no-contact is a great way to take advantage of your power for reflection. 20 minutes of journaling a night, where you speak honestly about your thoughts and feelings will go a long way.
As you progress in no-contact, you’ll be able to see your mindset improve over time. Hell, almost 6 years later I still read my old journals to see how far I’ve come. It’s extremely rewarding to have that insight into your thoughts, which you can analyze on a big picture level later on.
However, just allowing yourself time to reflect isn’t enough. Your mind will wander, and you want to have a plan in place. The more idle you are, the easier it will be for thoughts to creep in that you don’t want.
You want to involve yourself in new activities and spend time with friends. You also want to make sure you’re setting and achieving goals, which will help you expedite your recovery.
Use goal-setting and achievement to regain confidence in yourself.
Goal setting after a breakup is the secret sauce for recovery that no one talks about. It’s is one of the most effective ways to build confidence and momentum in your life.
If you’re feeling aimless, setting a goal will help you refocus on the present and swat pesky thoughts of your ex away.
As I mentioned before, your brain is primed for dynamic change. You can choose to take control of your life with a goal.
If your breakup was particularly shitty, crushing a big goal helps to right the ship. It seems like common sense, but I rarely see it practiced.
So set a personally salient goal.
There are hundreds of great books written about goal setting (including Maximum Achievement, which I recommend). Get one, and learn about setting goals that you’ll actually accomplish.
You want your goal to be a meaty one, with plenty of smaller steps that need to be completed in order to make it happen. Write down this goal, and all the steps and then paste it somewhere you’ll see it often.
If you’ve set an effective goal that you’re reminded of often, it will stick.
Give a small piece of each day to accomplishing one of the steps on the goal. It’s this consistency in getting a little bit closer each day that will keep you going. You’ll start to think about the goal more, and your ex less.
Of course, it won’t always be easy, and sometimes you will think about your ex.
What to do when no-contact gets hard
There are going to be days where you desperately want to reach out to your ex-girlfriend. The first 2 weeks especially are extraordinarily painful for most people.
No contact does get hard. The good news is, once you make it through the first couple of weeks it will get easier.
But occasionally you’ll have those crippling moments of weakness. They’ll come less often as you become accustomed to not talking.
But they will come, and it’s not always practical to just resist. Sometimes you’ll get yourself so worked up.
I used to try calling someone else whenever I wanted to reach out to my old exes, but that never worked. I’d always get overcome by emotions and send the text.
Of course, I always regretted it based on how I felt after. You probably will too, if you break no-contact and reach out to her.
Honestly, the best thing you can do when you want to reach out to her depends on where you are. If you’re out in public, turn off your phone. Don’t turn it back on until you’re home.
If you’re at home and you’re alone – masturbate. Don’t think twice. Your brain is searching for a hit of dopamine by urging you to reach out to your ex-girlfriend.
So give it what it wants – by rubbing one out.
Afterwards, I promise you that the urge to reach out to her will be gone. What you’re doing is blasting the brain with dopamine to ease off the emotions.
It’ll make you go back to not giving a fuck. Honestly, this works really well for just about every difficult situation in life.
You don’t want to get into the habit of masturbating every day, however. I would say any more than twice a week is getting into the danger zone where it can become compulsive. Doing it compulsively is a waste of time and keeps you in the house.
If you feel like you’re needing to masturbate more than twice a week, you need to re-evaluate what you’re doing for your recovery. Chances are you’re erring from the formula in here.
Sticking to a disciplined regiment of goal achievement, journaling regularly, and just not talking to her will work. Are you sticking to that?
Because the triumvirate is specifically designed to help you move on.
How does no-contact help you move on?
No contact takes the unhealthy situation with your ex and replaces it with one that you control. It breaks a cycle of emotional negativity and allows you to recover on your own terms.
By then using your newfound control to build positive momentum through goal achievement, reflection, and discipline you become a stronger you independent of her.
The personal growth you reap from applying it then translates into other aspects of your life.
What if I told you that newfound confidence from accomplishing your goal could lead to a promotion at work? Or new friendships and activities.
No contact gives you freedom of perspective. You’ll be able to see things in a new light. By journaling frequently, you’ll often have “AHA” moments where things will begin to make sense.
You have all of this because you have the discipline to stay away from your ex.
Slowly you become a better person, and the circumstances around your life change. You won’t be attached to sad thoughts of your ex if everything else in your life is going wonderfully.
Unfortunately though, there are times where you shouldn’t use the no-contact rule.
When to not use the no-contact rule
Of course, if you have kids, no-contact will not fly unless you have sole custody.
However, you can still use a form of limited contact, where you only negotiate with your ex on matters of childcare and visitation.
But I’ll let others cover that. I don’t have any kids, so I don’t really have much experience on that front.
The other situation is if your ex has property of yours, or vice versa. Don’t use no-contact until you’ve given back her stuff and gotten back any of yours.
Otherwise, you should always use the no-contact rule after a breakup.
But what if my ex-girlfriend breaks no-contact?
I know your first instinct is going to be to reply. Not so fast.
Before you even think about replying, make sure you’ve got your head screwed on straight. You might not be ready.
It’s not when you can stop thinking about her entirely. That will take months, if not years to happen. It’s when you can think about, laugh about, and otherwise respond to her without negative emotion that you’re ready.
If you see your ex-girlfriend, you won’t feel bothered. Instead you’ll shrug, and go on your merry way. You’ll see her name on your phone and not care too much.
If you can think about her without reaction, you’re in a good place where you can respond if you so choose. What you do next depends on why she’s reaching out and what you want. I cover that here.
If you aren’t indifferent about your ex-girlfriend yet, you aren’t ready to reply! Prioritize your own recovery and ignore her. You’ll have other chances.
If you aren’t going to reply, delete the message. You should have blocked her, but if you didn’t, don’t give yourself the temptation.
This might make her angry, but remember, you two are broken up and you owe her nothing.
What if my ex-girlfriend is angry because of no contact?
Ironically, making her angry is better than making her feel nothing. If she’s angry at you, she’s still emotionally invested in you. That’s good.
But just because she’s angry doesn’t mean you should break no-contact.
In fact, breaking no-contact while she’s angry at you is one of the worst things you can do.
For one, it tells her that if she gets emotional you’ll talk to her. She can use that going forward to manipulate you. Part of going no-contact in the first place is to prevent her from doing exactly that.
Two, if your ex-girlfriend is upset about no contact she’s going to be much harder to deal with. Even if you want to get her back, you should still wait until she calms down. Wait until she initiates contact again, and then make your move.
Otherwise, there is nothing wrong with continuing to ignore her, especially if she’s mad. Remember, you don’t owe her anything. It isn’t selfish to prioritize your own recovery.
So, does no contact with an ex-girlfriend really work?
No-contact will make you feel better 100% of the time. So yeah, it will work. The thing is, you’re probably wondering: will no-contact really help me get my ex back?
The answer is yes, it does really work for that, too.
We’ve already established that no-contact will make her think about you, and will make her miss you. These will work in your favor if getting her back is your aim.
The reason no-contact works so well after a breakup is it helps restore your value in her eyes. You’re not slobbering over her and instead of giving her the space and time to choose you.
You’re letting her feelings develop on their own as opposed to trying to force the action.
I can’t promise you that using no-contact will get your ex-girlfriend back 100% of the time, but I can promise you that it gives you the best chance of success.
Getting her curious about you will make her more inclined to agree to a date. Once she’s on the date with you, you can make your move and seduce her.
But, the real beauty of no-contact is that you can use it more than once on the same woman and have it work both times.
No Contact Can Work A Second Time
So let’s say you manage to get her to come to your place, like I talk about in my article “Your Ex-Girlfriend Agreed to Meet Up – Now What?” and then you two sleep together, as I lay out in the step-by-step method.
You follow the guide and continue to make consecutive dates when she reaches out. But, if she begins to get flaky and cancel dates, you can use no-contact on her again.
If she’s breaking dates, she’s losing attraction to you, so it’s smart to go no-contact as opposed to trying to force the situation. When you sense her pulling back, you need to withdraw your attention so you don’t drive her away.
Going no-contact is exactly how you do that. You back off and go no-contact indefinitely until she reaches out again.
Giving her the space to choose you again will only boost her attraction to you. Once she reaches out to you again, you set a date at your place and then proceed to escalate with her like I talk about above.
A few no-contact success stories with my ex-girlfriends
Just to give you an idea of how well no-contact works, I’ll share a couple of my own stories in how I’ve used no-contact to get back together with former ex-girlfriends.
No Contact Success: Gia (2 months)
It was June 2015, and I sat on the beach with her. I had forgotten how good she looked. The warm summer wind blew her hair back and I tucked it behind her ear.
Gia became visibly red and turned away, but I could see a wan smile on her face.
It had been about 2 months since I’d spoken with her last. She had reached out to me that morning asking if I was free. She showed up to where I worked, in a tight crop top and tiny shorts. Her blonde hair was done intricately, with flowers woven into her braids.
We talked on the beach, and then drove back to her house which was about 5 minutes away.
I had no idea that her inviting me back was a sign that I had passed all of her tests and in a few short hours I would have her all over me.
We had split up nearly 3 months earlier in a passionate flame-out. For the first month I forced the issue and blew her phone up with my needy texts.
She withdrew, and I had no idea why. Wrecked with guilt and sadness, I just stopped texting her. I gave up, and figured I had failed.
Then, a month and a half later Gia reached out.
I ended up sleeping with her that night, and we began to flirt back and forth once again. I had no idea that I had stumbled upon the no contact rule.
Of course, after I slept with her I was convinced she was my girlfriend again. I completely lost my composure and began to text her way too frequently.
In response, she began to back away, turned off by my tactless pursuit of her. Again, I found myself frustrated to no end. So once again, I stopped reaching out to her.
In August, she reached out to me again, and our courtship resumed. This time, I let her contact me, and every time she did I went and set the next date. I realized that the key was not in what I did, but what I didn’t do.
I ended up meeting someone else shortly afterwards and chose to not continue things with her.
No-contact would once again prove indispensable a few short months later.
No-Contact Success: Paige (1 Month)
The new woman I was seeing (let’s call her Paige) was a quiet and sensual brunette, in contrast to Gia, who was an outgoing blonde extravert.
Paige and I continued to see each other until we ran into a rough patch in October. I ended things with her, as she was constantly getting involved in drama, even though I didn’t want to.
By this point I knew that no-contact worked, and I immediately vanished from her day-to-day. I deleted her on social media, blocked her number, and I stopped hanging out with our mutual friends.
She didn’t say anything and I figured that was that. I was extremely sad, but I resolved myself and moved on.
About a month later, I ran into her while I was visiting NYC for a trip. She looked at me, and I looked at her. Later on that night, we ended up making out at a bar. She then followed me home where we passionately made love.
Once again, no-contact had worked. She even told me that the space I had given her was exactly what she needed. She admitted to thinking about me frequently.
We ended up dating for another year, until I eventually decided to end things because I wanted to go a new direction.
These two stories best illustrate how no-contact works on very different women. Paige and Gia were opposites.They came from different countries, and were at opposite ends of the wealth spectrum.
Of course, these were fairly short no-contact periods.
No-Contact Success: Lisa (8 months)
For those of you wondering if you can go no-contact with an ex-girlfriend for more than 6 months, the answer is yes.
Lisa was a great example of this. I met Lisa in early 2013, and we had been friends while I had dated both Gia and Paige. I always knew Lisa valued me as more than a friend, even though I was not particularly good with women when we first met.
Lisa and I first got together in February 2017, and dated for around 7 months before she broke it off with me because I had been focusing on work instead of on her.
She wasn’t actually mad I was focused on work. She was mad because I wasn’t leading our relationship properly. I had become complacent, and not continued the courtship.
Now Lisa, being extremely hot had no shortage of men pursuing her and immediately shacked up with one of her friends, another 20something stockbroker.
I wished her well, and went on my way. By this point, I was 100% confident in the power of the no-contact rule. She would be back, I just had to wait and keep my cool.
By the time the 6 month mark had passed, I thought she had moved on. Because of no-contact, I had too. In that regard, no-contact had absolutely worked. Little did I know I would only have to wait a little bit longer.
May rolled around, and one day as I sat outside after work her name flashed across my screen.
“Can we talk?”
I knew what that meant. I invited her over to my house to find out she had broken up with the guy she was seeing. She was unhappy with his neediness and controlling personality.
However, she was more than happy to fling her clothes on the floor while I had my way with her. Although I had no desire to get back together with Lisa, I still enjoyed her time. To this day, Lisa and I still hook up occasionally even to as recently as last month.
So yeah, no-contact works.
But what about when it doesn’t?
Can no-contact backfire?
The truth is, if you do it right no-contact will work for you 100% of the time. Because the purpose of no-contact is to help you heal, not to get her back, you can be assured it will always work.
What you’re probably wondering is: will no contact get her back?
Yes. No contact done properly will either get her back or get you someone better.
If you’re following my no-contact method, you’re focusing on getting better through goal setting. As you accomplish more, you’ll start to attract new women.
See where I’m going with this?
No-contact primes you to have choice. It’s not an accident that I met Paige after no-contact with Gia. Because I was so focused on getting better, I was getting a lot of female attention.
In effect, no-contact ended up getting Gia back AND getting me someone better.
You have nothing to lose by going for no-contact. It will never backfire because you will get better, and you will give yourself the greatest chance of getting her back.
So what are you waiting for?
Take control of your life again. Go no-contact, and you’ll get better, get her back, or get someone even better.