June 2022 was without a doubt the worst month of my life.
I’ve debated typing this post for a while now, but the heaviness in my heart, the guilt, and the shame has held me back.
But I need to say it – both for myself and for you. I need to unburden myself and explain where my head is at, and hopefully ask you for help.
Over the last month, I’ve been MIA for a reason – I’ve been as depressed as I ever have been. June has laid me low. In June, I:
- Lost my best friend of over 15 years to addiction,
- Had a major health scare that left me bedridden just as I was starting to come back to life after James’ loss;
- Suffered a major financial collapse due to the failure of one of my businesses;
They say bad things come in threes, and I will admit – I have been at rock bottom. 95% of the time I am a purpose-driven, motivated, take-no-prisoners guy. But as of late, I’ve struggled to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve felt despair. Hopelessness. Anguish. Guilt.
I’m sure you can relate. The only other time I’ve felt anything close to this was when my first love broke my heart and left me in shambles. The black dog nipped at me then, but now it savages my haunches with an unimaginable fury that has left me questioning.
Today I was able to get out of bed. That is a victory, albeit small. But when it comes to grief, I’ve learned that the small victories are often the ones that matter most.
So I ask you, what was your small victory today? Can you celebrate it? If you cannot, I shall celebrate it for you.
I still have not checked my email – and if you are one of those who has booked an email session with me over the past month, I will be with you soon. I know it’s taken me forever to get back, but I will make this right, I promise.
If that is not you, and you are simply here for a word of comfort, let me offer you this.
At the end of the day, even these dark times will pass. Even if your soul suffers greatly, I can tell you for sure that life as it often does, comes in seasons. Some of those seasons bring darkness and pain, but others bring life and rebirth. If you are patient, gentle, and can look towards yourself with compassion, I promise that in time, the season will change for the better. It always does.
The fact that you are reading these words tells me you’ve still got some fight left in you. I do too. I’m not letting the blackness win. I’m choosing to fight – and I hope you will make the same choice.
My purpose still remains, a beacon in the darkness. I’ve thought about you quite a bit during my layaway, and tomorrow my friend, I will be back.
I appreciate the patience. Tonight I will say a prayer for you, and I hope you will do the same for me.
My purpose, as it always has been, is to offer you a flicker of hope, and perhaps a smile or two during the dark times.
And that purpose burns bright as ever. It’s as much my way out of this as it is for you. Healing is found in purpose.
As always my friend, you have my love, my support, and my promise: this isn’t the end. This is the beginning of a new adventure.
So take heart.