The fire-breathing monster waited in anticipation for my next move.
I took a deep breath.
This wasn’t a fight I wanted, but I knew I had to pick up my sword. No one would be coming to my rescue.
There was no going back. But now was the time to act. It was time to slay the beast.
“Paige, I can’t do this anymore” I finally said. “I’m not all the way there like you are, and I don’t think it’s fair for either of us. I want to end this”
She choked down a few tears as we said a few more words, and just like that, I left.
At the time it felt incredibly shitty, but here’s the truth. After that wore off, it felt good to be free again.
And do you know why that is?
Because ALL relationships are temporary. They all have an expiration date.
There’s no special woman that’s going to love you forever, and there’s no expectation that you should love any woman forever.
But I know that hearing that doesn’t make what you have to do any easier.
So let me tell you something that will.
You’re Scared Of How She’ll React – But She’ll Take It Better Than You Think
“I don’t want to hurt her” Jeff told me.
Jeff, a member of my coaching program had been with his girlfriend for almost 3 years.
She adamantly wanted kids, but in his heart of hearts, he knew that he didn’t.
As they both got closer to 30, Jeff knew that he had to end things before his girlfriend lost out on the opportunity to have the life and kids she had always wanted.
But he was terrified of how his girlfriend would react.
“We’ve shared so much together, and I feel like she’s going to think the world is ending” he told me.
After a few minutes of discussion, we ended up agreeing that we couldn’t predict how she’d feel. We weren’t her, and it wasn’t worth it to try to be.
Two days later, Jeff broke the news.
He was right. She was sad. She cried. But she also thanked him for not waiting so she’d have a chance to find what she wanted.
Jeff’s breakup was amicable, and in line with the “mutual breakup” I talk about here.
Even if your breakup isn’t as painless as Jeff’s, I still have good news for you.
Women Get Over Breakups Faster Then Men Do
A lot of times the internet gets things wrong.
While this meme gets the time frame wrong, the general idea is spot on.
Women handle breakups better then men do over time. There’s a lot of scientific debate over why this is – but the reasons why aren’t important.
What is important, is that most women have better emotional support systems then men do. They are also better at talking about their feelings, and in my experience, are much quicker to move on after a relationship is over.
I don’t want to generalize too much, because every situation is different.
But dude, let me be honest with you: women are tough. Your girlfriend is tough too.
You might think you’re going to destroy her world, but I’m here to tell you that she’s going to be okay.
Don’t stay with her just because you feel guilty about how she’s going to handle it.
When Should You Break Up With Your Girlfriend?
Now I’m not here to tell you that you should stay with her or that you need to leave.
You have to make your own decisions – but one thing I can tell you is to make your decisions logically.
It’s a lot easier to stick to a decision when you’ve thought it out ahead of time. The decisions I regret are almost all decisions I made while influenced by emotion.
For example, if you’re feeling the urge to break up with her because you’re angry at her for something, try to get to the bottom of what’s making you angry.
If there’s a root cause to that anger, then explore it. Figure out if that’s something caused by her, or something caused by you.
If it’s your fault and not hers, you’ll probably regret breaking up with her later. But if you dig deep and realize you got angry because she’s not letting you be yourself, then you’ve got a legitimate concern and chances are you won’t regret letting her go.
How To Make Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend Easier
While nothing you can do will take away the pain your girlfriend may feel, there are things you can do to minimize how much of it she feels.
Doing these will also take some of the pressure off you as well, because you’ll be walking into battle with a tried and true game plan.
1: Choke The Chicken Beforehand
Look, I’m not the biggest fan of jerking off. But my misgivings aside, jerking off right before you’re about to do something hard involving women makes it a lot easier.
This does two things for you. One, the massive shot of dopamine to the brain helps you relax your nerves. You won’t feel like you’ve got a ton of pent up nervous energy ahead of time.
Two, jerking off makes it easier to avoid trying to make up with her halfway through the breakup.
Too often I see the “makeup sex” thrown on the table as a reason for staying together.
There’s nothing wrong with sex. But sex doesn’t fix issues in a relationship. Remember that.
2: Be Direct. Don’t Turn It Into A Conversation.
When you’re going in, remind yourself that you’re going to get right to the point.
If you really want to make this easier on yourself and on her, don’t talk around your points. Tell her exactly why you’re breaking up with her.
For example, if you’re breaking up with her because she wants to move across the country, tell her that.
You should also avoid it turning into a conversation. While you’re probably both going to want to spill your feelings, don’t.
You already made the decision to break up with her. Your feelings at this point don’t matter. Stick to the reasons, not to your feelings.
You also shouldn’t list every fucking reason under the sun. Stick to your big guns. There’s always 1-2 really strong reasons to end the relationship.
Use those.
3: Don’t Make Excuses
“It’s not you, it’s me”.
Don’t make excuses for your sake or for hers. I hate to say it, but the truth fucking sucks.
That’s not an excuse to be an asshole, however.
For example, I’ve had a lot of guys admit to me that they aren’t attracted to their girlfriends for a number of reasons.
If you’re one of them here’s some advice for you:
- GOOD: I’m not attracted to you anymore.
- BAD: I’m just attracted to a different type of woman (excuse)
- BAD: Oh it’s not your looks (excuse)
Be honest with her. You owe her that.
4: Don’t Try To Comfort Her
I know how much you care about her.
But here’s the thing: if you care, you’re not going to comfort her at all.
For one thing, comforting her is going to make getting your point across quickly take more time, which is going to make it harder on you.
And on the other hand, you trying to comfort her is just going to make her feel worse. How do you think you would feel if she broke up with you while telling you “it’s okay” while hugging you?
For those of you who lack imagination – it sucks. Badly.
5: Don’t Have Sex “Just One Last Time”
While it’s tempting to go for one last bang, don’t do it.
Part of the reason you choke the chicken beforehand is so you don’t get enthralled by the “one more time” argument.
Sex releases Oxytocin, otherwise known as the “love” hormone that stimulates bonding between a man and a woman.
Do you really want to be “bonding” with the girlfriend you’re trying to break up with?
There’s also a small percentage of women who will try to use sex to stop the breakup. Oftentimes I find this is true of women who have been abused.
The kindest thing you can do is to break the cycle! Keep your dick in your pants, for your sake and for hers.
6: Go No Contact (For You & For Her)
After the deed is done, you have one last kindness to pay her. You need to use a technique called the no-contact rule for at least 6-12 months.
The no-contact rule is as simple as it sounds. Don’t contact her at all, for any reason.
That might sound cruel, but it will help you both.
On one hand, if you stay in contact with her it’s a lot easier for you to start regretting your decision.
Regret, as you might imagine, is one of the most common reasons that people get back together. Regret isn’t going to fix problems in a relationship either.
Going no-contact will also give her the time and space to get over you. The more you two talk after the breakup, the more she’ll be reminded that you two are no longer together.
If she really didn’t want the breakup, this can be extremely painful.
But, it’s better than the alternative – where you continue to suffer. So make the hard choice.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack