The breakup was your fault!
But wait a second, don’t keep scrolling. Go back and read that again. In fact, read it 3 or 4 times for me. I’ll be waiting.
Now let me ask you again, who’s fault is the breakup?
It’s not your ex-girlfriend’s fault.
It’s yours!
Now before you get all defensive like most people who read this will, take a deep breath and chill out.
The fact that it’s your fault is a good thing. There’s no need to get defensive because I’m going to show you something that I estimate only 5-10% of men will ever truly be able to understand.
And boy oh boy, is it lifechanging.
This article is going to be one of the most important pieces I will ever write, and to get the most out of it you need to be wearing your logic hat.
So pay attention.
First things first though, let’s circle back to your ex-girlfriend and talk about why she’s really blaming you so we can put this into perspective.
She’s Using Blame As A Coping Mechanism
Your ex-girlfriend blaming you for the breakup is her first line of defense because she won’t face her thoughts and feelings for one reason or another.
Normally this is because the truth sucks.
We all do this, although some people are worse than others. If you’re from the US, you see this shit every day with all the conspiracy theorists we have.
These are guys who think our problems are caused by one “hidden” group, whether it’s the Illuminati, the “deep state”, George Soros/Bill Gates, or the Jews.
People that believe things like this usually don’t want to confront the underlying anxiety that they aren’t taking control of their life, and instead shift the blame elsewhere.
Experiments have revealed that feelings of anxiety make people think more conspiratorially. Such feelings, along with a sense of disenfranchisement, currently grip many Americans, according to surveys. In such situations, a conspiracy theory can provide comfort by identifying a convenient scapegoat and thereby making the world seem more straightforward and controllable. “People can assume that if these bad guys weren’t there, then everything would be fine,” Lewandowsky says. “Whereas if you don’t believe in a conspiracy theory, then you just have to say terrible things happen randomly.”
Your ex-girlfriend is doing the same thing by shifting all the blame to you for the breakup.
“If you hadn’t been such an asshole, this never would have happened!”
In the study of pyschology, this is called projection.
Unfortunately, it’s not the cool kind of projection where you get to have an out of body experience and float around the room and shit. That’s a hell of a lot more fun then this type of projection.
For our purposes, projection is whenever someone blames someone else so that they can avoid facing troubling thoughts and emotions.
Now that’s all well and good, but when you dig deeper, a clearer picture emerges.
There’s a strong relationship between the coping mechanisms and emotional maturity.
And guess what?
Projection (or playing the “he did it!” game) is a major red flag for low emotional intelligence.
Projection is considered a primitive defense because it distorts or ignores reality in order for us to function and preserve our ego. It’s reactive, without forethought, and is defense children use. When used by adults, it reveals less emotional maturity and indicates impaired emotional development.
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
The problem with projection, is it always covers for deeper issues whether they are anxiety-related or otherwise.
This is something she has learned to do, probably from her parents. There’s a good chance she grew up in an enviornment where problems were never resolved amicably.
That doesn’t mean your ex-girlfriend is a bad person. Far from it.
But…
Blaming You For Everything Also Shows She Doesn’t Want To Take Responsibility For Her Part In Your Relationship
It’s much easier to blame someone else than it is to look in the mirror and point the finger at yourself.
“There’s less effort involved in recognizing your contributions to a bad situation than in accepting the fact that you’re actually at fault, and changing so you don’t do it again” says Professor Susan Krauss Whitbourne.
Her blaming you is really her taking the easy way out. In my experience, this is almost always caused by a self-esteem issue.
People that suffer from low-self esteem use blame to try to control the world around them when they feel completely powerless, which is most likely what your ex-girlfriend is doing by blaming you for the breakup.
Unfortunately, people who tend to pass blame have a very difficult time holding themselves and others accountable.
And boy oh boy, that is no good if you want to ensure maximum happiness as a man.
If She’s Blaming You, There Are 3 Things You Need To Do
There are two different ways most people approach being blamed.
Group 1 immediately gets defensive and starts shouting back. We’ve all seen these people. Any criticism – whether its correct or not – sets them off until they are red in the face.
Does that sound like someone we know?
Okay, maybe not.
Luckily, Florida is more than willing to provide a great example of what the physical reaction looks like.
Of course, I’m exagerating a bit, but you get my point.
Group 2 does the exact opposite. People in this group keep their cool in the face of blame and don’t immediately get emotional like the people in group 1.
They stop, they think, and they put aside their feelings. Maybe there’s a point to the critique after all.
Look at how Steve Jobs handles himself when he’s essentially accused of not knowing anything.
You want to be Steve Jobs when you get blamed for something, not the Florida man.
The reason why is simple: the second you get emotional is the second you throw your power away and stop growing as a man.
With that in mind, I’m about to show will will ensure that you:
A) Don’t get drawn into a pointless back and forth with your ex-girlfriend where you get all emotional.
B) Actually understand that yeah, there are some things you need to work on.
C) Actually fucking work on the things that need work.
1: Immediate No Contact
Understand that her blaiming you is not about you, but how she feels about herself.
You probably did fuck some things up, that’s true, but as we’ve already talked about, emotionally mature people do not resort to blaming others.
Trying to engage your ex-girlfriend who wants to point the finger is a pointless waste of time that will only leave you feeling feeling defeated, demoralized, and unhappy.
When someone truly wants to blame you, you can’t reason with them.
So don’t try.
After a breakup happens, I always recommend using the no-contact rule. No-contact is extremely effective when she wants to place all the blame on you, because it takes away her outlet.
She can blame you all she wants in private, while you move along and focus on having a happy life.
2: Ask Yourself If She Has A Point (She Probably Does)
Now here’s where I’m going to lose a lot of you guys.
Blame never exists in a vaccum.
Once you’ve gone no contact and gotten to a point where you can think about the breakup rationally, take a second to ask yourself this important question.
“Did she have a point?”
If you’re like most guys, you’re not going to want to listen to her.
After I broke up with my first girlfriend, she would constantly blame me for being a shitty listener. I didn’t agree with that, so I ignored it.
About 6 months later, I was drinking a beer with one of my buddies. We were shooting the shit on a Friday night, chilling and having a good time.
That was until he said something that caught me by surprise.
“Dude, you gotta work on your listening skills. That wasn’t what Sean said”
Almost immediately, I remembered what Gia had told me, and all at once the realization smacked me across the face.
Maybe I really was a shitty listener. Maybe she was right.
Whether you want her back or not, you have to face the facts.
The way you see yourself is not the same way people close to you. Most of us have blind spots that our ego hides from us.
The people closest to you, including your friends and family can see those blind spots.
Your ex-girlfriend is (or was) one of those people. For better or worse, if you’re reading these words I’m assuming she made enough of an impact on you to get you here.
And that probably means she spent a good amount of time with you, and was able to see some of your shortcomings firsthand.
Get a piece of paper, and write down everything she blamed you for. If you’re like most guys, this list may include accusations like:
- “You never listened to me!”
- “You always lied to me!”
- “You’re too needy”
- “You never made me feel special”
- “You always ignored me”
- “I could never trust you”
- “You abused me”
- “You were too lazy”
- “You expect too much from me”
- “You were too ugly/out of shape”
Whatever it is she blames you for, you need to get to the bottom of if it’s true or not.
Take the list of things she blamed you for to a close friend or family member who you can trust to give it to you straight.
The things that aren’t true, forget them.
But the things that turn out to be true need to be addressed.
3: Fix It
Not going to go too deep into this here, because it’s not the point of this post.
But, once you’ve identified where you’re coming up short, get to work and fix it.
Don’t make excuses for why you do it, or tell yourself that it’s okay. It’s one thing to be ignorant of the truth.
It’s another thing entirely to know the truth, but choose not to act on it.
It might not be easy to fix the problems that caused the end of your relationship, but that’s no excuse.
Because at the end of the day…
Your Life (And Your Breakup) Is Your Fault, For Better Or For Worse
If you’re over 18 and living somewhere in the Western world, everything both good and bad in your life is your fault.
That includes your relationship with your ex-girlfriend, as well as your breakup.
And guess what? Once you own the responsibility that everything in your life is your fault, you can make your life (and your future relationships) better.
It sounds easy, but I know we can all acknowlege that it’s not!
A couple of weeks ago I was reading a thread on Reddit about first loves. Feel free to read the thread here. If you can find my comment, let me know.
Going in, I expected a lot of blame and a whole heaping helping of bitterness.
And you bet your ass I got to read plenty of both.
You could tell some people genuinely wanted to change. For example, one Redditor wrote:
I haven’t heard or seen from her since. Ever since then, I’ve just wanted to apologize. I felt like all I’ve ever done was bring unnecessary drama into her life, but almost certain she blocked me in all forms, so whenever she crosses my mind, I hope that somehow the universe is letting her know of my remorse.
Still to this day the sweetest and most loving girl I’ve ever known, except for my current girlfriend, who I’m making sure I’m doing right by her in everything I possibly can; because I have learned so much over the years and I love this girl more than anything else.
But for every guy like this, there were 10 more that clearly refused to own their role in what went wrong.
For example:
She’s treating everyone the way she treated me and being continuously shocked at her inability to foster long term friendships or endear herself to boys. “You’re the only one that valued me.” Took me everything I had to just block her instead of sniping back “Yeah I was the only one stupid enough to value you.”
Guys, if this sounds like you, you need to take a long hard look in the mirror because the breakup was your fault.
Yes, your ex-girlfriend does own some of the responsibility for your breakup. No relationship ends without things being fucked up on both sides.
But she only owns the responsibility for her part in it, just like you do.
And it’s your part that you need to focus on.
Part of the reason I brought up the Reddit thread from before is because a lot of guys on there failed to do just that: own their part in it.
Blaming her is easy, but you won’t get any better.
On the other hand, if you take responsibility and identify why the breakup was your fault, you’ll have the chance to get better.
This doesn’t just apply to relationships. It applies to everything in your life. Your money, your friends, your career, and shit, even your happiness is all your fault (unless you have a chemical imbalance, mental condition, or other handicap).
Related: Wake Up, No One Is Coming To Save You
If you keep blaming these things on outside circumstances and people, you’re never going to have the chance to make these things better.
And how could you? You won’t make a change if you’re convinced you’re doing everything in your power to change and forces beyond your control are sabotaging it.
You’ll just keep doing the same thing.
You could choose to be that guy. It’s certainly easier than taking the high road.
But I know you’re different.
If you’ve read this far, I know you agree that it’s all up to you.
And that my friend, makes you exactly the type of man that belongs here.
So take the time, look inward to why she blamed you. Find the kernel of truth hidden within that blame and turn it into the seed that births a stronger, happier, more fulfilled you.
The breakup was your fault, but so too will be your breakthrough.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Need help processing the breakup so you can get back to feeling like yourself again? Click here to learn how I can help you.