If she dumped you because you didn’t want to commit and now all of a sudden you’ve from “whatever” to “holy shit, I want her back” I’ve got one response for you:
There’s a reason you didn’t want to commit in the first place! Don’t forget that just because your ego took a hit when she left.
Over the last month, I’ve worked with about a dozen of you guys who have been in this exact situation more or less. I’m thinking of two of you, specifically. You know who you are.
So tell me if this sounds familiar:
Up until she dumped you, you felt indifferent about her. Chances are you were focused on something that wasn’t her, whether that’s school, a new job/business, or some kind of personal issue. On a quick scroll through Instagram, you can pick out at least 3 or 4 women who you think are better looking. As time goes on you think about her less and less. You still love her, of course, but there are other things on your mind. Things that aren’t her. You see her less. You talk less. You’re less affectionate.
Until one day she’s had enough, and BOOM. She’s gone faster than your money would be if you bought $DOGE at .73.
Now you’re freaking out. For the first few days, you probably didn’t care that much, until your feelings hit you like a truck.
Something along the lines of: “Holy shit, what have I done? How could I be so selfish to mess this up? I miss her so much!”
Now you want her back – but she wants nothing to do with you.
And now you’re here. Something like that, right?
So look buttercup, here’s the rub. This situation you’re in you fucked up – but it’s not for the reason you think you did.
So let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way first.
- 1 Her Definition Of Committment Is Different Than Yours
- 2 Here’s Where You Probably Fucked Up
- 3 But Jack, It’s So Hard Not To Fuck Up! I Just Want Something Simple!
- 4 You Are Not A Bad Guy If You Don’t Want To Commit
- 5 It’s Your Ego That Wants Her Back – Not You
- 6 There’s A Reason You Didn’t Want To Commit
- 7 Before You Go Running Back To Her, THINK!
- 8 If You Still Want Her Back, Don’t Make This Mistake
Her Definition Of Committment Is Different Than Yours
Commitment = relationship maintenance, doing the things SHE thinks will make the relationship successful long term
Look, I get that her telling you that you weren’t committed probably has you scratching your head. That’s because most men have one idea of what commitment means, while most women have a completely different idea.
You think commitment means having a label on the relationship, pictures on social media of you together, occasionally spending time together, and a few short texts or phone calls once in a while.
She has a MUCH different definition of commitment. It revolves around feeling heard, cared for, and appreciated.
For many women, a commitment really means treating her as an equal partner, consistently over time. That means listening to her when she has something to say and making an effort to change if a change is required. It means clearly communicating your intents and plans, and then delivering on what you’ve promised so she feels like a priority instead of an option.
I could go on – but I think you get the idea. At the end of the day, commitment with your woman isn’t about the labels, how often she sees you, or how often you call her on the phone. These things matter – but what’s more important is that she FEELS like you are committed. If she feels like she’s a priority, if she feels like you are listening, if she feels like she’s appreciated, then you’re not going to have major problems.
At least with commitment issues.
Here’s Where You Probably Fucked Up
To add some flavor to this article, I paid a visit to an old Reddit thread asking women if they ever left someone who wasn’t committed enough. Some of the responses were pretty telling. There’s nothing better than getting information straight from the source.
These are just a few major examples, I’ve written an entire article about the 6 major reasons women leave relationships which you can read by visiting that link.
1: You Didn’t Listen
It’s been over a year and although I think he’s a wonderful person, I personally still feel resentment. I invested a lot of time and feeling into our relationship. We had MANY conversations where I tried to explain myself (which grew more painful every time) and he would cry and act like he understood, and then nothing would change.
The emphasis, mine.
If your girlfriend tells you something repeatedly, she expects you to take action and change. When you don’t, you’re just asking for problems.
And just before our breakup, when I brought up all the times I had told him I needed more communication and contact from him, he said, ‘well, I didn’t know how serious you were’. Well, okay, but I’m not dating someone who doesn’t take me seriously until I’m about to dump him. I want to date a guy who cares enough to take me seriously when I’m telling him what I need.
2: She Didn’t Feel Appreciated
Yep. I dated a guy for almost a year, but it still felt like we weren’t even in a relationship. He’d talk to me online or on the phone to work out details of when and where we were going the next time we went out, but otherwise I didn’t hear from him. I’d sometimes go days or weeks without speaking to him because he only had time for me if he didn’t have anything else to do.
Remember what I said before: It’s about how she FEELS, not how YOU feel. The same woman then went on to say:
The next time he wanted to see me, he was shocked when I told him it wasn’t going to happen, and I didn’t want to see him anymore. He thought everything was going great and my breaking up with him came completely out of the blue. He was mad that I didn’t give him any warning that anything was wrong.
3: Poor Communication
I dated someone who would randomly shut off his phone for 3-4 days at a time without telling me. And then would get angry at ME for wondering where the hell he’s been? Maybe that’s the ideal amount of communication for some people, but I need more than that.
4: You Were Long Distance
I have broken up with someone where that was one reason of a few. We were long distance, and while I know you can “be there” for someone over a distance, it was just nuts. He would tell me he loved me, but it always felt like it was because he said it by rote and not because he meant it. It felt like we were friends who happened to show affection when they were together.
Long-term, long-distance relationships are insane – especially if you’re a young guy. In my opinion, you dodged a bullet.
Regardless, it’s a lot easier to backslide into the bad behaviors that cause her to question your commitment when you aren’t seeing her in person regularly.
But Jack, It’s So Hard Not To Fuck Up! I Just Want Something Simple!
No shit sherlock, of course, it’s fucking hard. Having a serious, monogamous girlfriend is hard as fuck, especially when you’re young and it’s only your first or second serious relationship.
In my opinion (and this is just my opinion) you shouldn’t even consider having a serious girlfriend until you are at least in your 30s. Your 20s are the foundation for the rest of your life, especially financially. Messing around with a girlfriend before you’ve had the chance to develop good relationship management skills isn’t a great idea these days.
It takes a lot of time to maintain a healthy relationship, and it’s usually at the expense of other areas in your life, especially as a young man. Your career and business, overall fitness, habits, and life infrastructure all take time to build, especially in your 20s and early 30s. Having a serious girlfriend can set you back months or even years.
That’s just my opinion, though. You can read more about how I prefer to date women here.
You Are Not A Bad Guy If You Don’t Want To Commit
Listen here man, if she was pushing you to give more than you wanted to give, you aren’t a bad guy. If you only wanted to talk a few times a week while you focused on your business, you’re not a bad guy. If you got bored of her, you’re not a bad guy.
Her friends and family might tell you you’re a bad guy because you didn’t “realize what you had”. Since you’re reading this article, you might even believe that yourself.
Frankly, our society shames men for not “growing up” and “settling down” when they aren’t experienced and aren’t ready to commit to one woman.
But I say, to hell with what society thinks, and to hell with what her friends and family think. I’m sure they are great people, but they aren’t YOU.
If you aren’t ready to commit – then don’t fucking commit. Don’t let someone who isn’t you tell you how to live your life. It’s your life, not theirs.
This means being HONEST with yourself about what YOU really want, not what your ex-girlfriend, her friends & family, or society want.
If you didn’t want to commit while she was with you, and have now changed your stance? You might have some cognitive dissonance because:
It’s Your Ego That Wants Her Back – Not You
You probably describe yourself as a high-energy, motivated guy who gets bored easily. You like getting after it, and you’re probably a high performer in your areas of endeavor. You work your ass off. On the other hand, she’s a more laid-back, take it easy type girl. She takes care of you, and she’s always there while you’ve got your sights set off on the horizon. She sometimes asks you for more: more love, more dates, more conversation. You remind her how busy you are, and she relents.
Think back to right before she dumped you and be honest with yourself: how interested in her were you really? I know you probably liked having her around – but how much?
Now ask yourself: what has changed since she dumped you? Did she get magically more physically attractive overnight? Sweeter?
Probably not, right?
So what changed, then?
The answer, my friend, is you. Your ego took a hit because she wasn’t as rock-solid as you thought, and now you’re backward rationalizing how great she is because you miss her presence in your life.
Beforehand she was always available, always there when you needed her, but since you were focused on other things, you probably took her for granted. Since she’s gone now, you can’t take her for granted anymore. You can’t have it your way.
You’ve heard it before I’m sure, but scarcity creates value.
And now your bruised ego wants her back so you can feel better (among other things).
There’s A Reason You Didn’t Want To Commit
Okay, let’s be honest with each other here. There was a reason you weren’t committed to her in the way she wanted you to be committed to her. Before you make the mistake of getting back together with her, being “good” for a few months, and then having her leave you again, you need to understand WHY you didn’t want to commit.
Usually, it’s not just one big reason. It’s multiple small reasons. And honestly, it can be HARD to figure out exactly why. It took me years of research and observation to figure out why I’m a commitment-phobe.
Without working with me directly, I can’t tell you exactly why you didn’t want to commit, but here are some common reasons I see:
- She’s not as hot as the girls you are “used to” or the girls you are surrounded by
- You’re in a long distance relationship (are you insane)
- Caught up in day to day living – stressful job, starting a new business, etc
- You THINK you want to be sexually or emotionally monogamous when you really don’t (social programming)
- She’s throwing drama at you
- She’s considerably more needy than you are
These are just a few. Think about the reasons why you didn’t want to commit. If you don’t consider WHY you didn’t want to commit, you are going to make the same fucking mistake all over again!
Don’t be insane.
Before You Go Running Back To Her, THINK!
Are you at a place in your life where you really want a girlfriend?
Moreover, if you go run to try to get her back, is anything going to change?
Do you think that after 3-4 months together you will somehow value her more when nothing changed?
Do you really want your balls tied to only ONE woman?
I can’t answer these questions for you. Only you know the answers.
If You Still Want Her Back, Don’t Make This Mistake
If you still want her back, fair enough. I’m not going to go into detail here on HOW to get her back, because there’s plenty of other shit on my website to help you with that.
I suggest you start here if that’s your aim – it’s a catalog of my most important articles.
But I haven’t touched on the big mistake that guys in your situation always make.
It’s an easy mistake to make, and you may have already made it. To show you what it is, let’s revisit that same Reddit thread from earlier.
The puzzling part was that after I broke up with him, he made a big effort to show he had changed, and suddenly wanted to be available for me all the time. Where was all that effort when we were still in a relationship? It was too little too late.
The mistake: you can’t undo months of behavior by promising her that you will change, or even acting differently for a few days/weeks.
Consistency wins with women – and it goes hand in hand with commitment. With most women, when you aren’t consistent, they don’t feel you’re committed.
So DO NOT:
- Blow her phone up and start calling her left and right
- Writing her love letters
- Clearing your schedule to spend time with her
- Stop acting a way you want to act just because she didn’t like it
- Send her gifts to try to buy her love
- Show up at her house
If you want her back, you’re just going to shoot yourself in the foot. Read this article about why she needs to chase you if you want her back.
But (and this is a big but) – before you get bent out of shape and start trying to get her back…
I urge you, wake the fuck up. Wake the fuck up! Think about how you felt BEFORE she dumped your ass. You didn’t care that much. You were outcome-independent. You were happy.
You can be happy again. You can get laid when you want. You can spend time with women when you want. You can pursue your goals and dreams without having her throw drama at you.
So let me ask you again: do you really want her back?
Think about it.
Talk soon my friend,