If you are hoping that she’s going to come back to you, you aren’t going to like what I have to say here. But, if you stick around until the end you’ll change your mind.
Before we get into this, let me be clear: there’s no way that anyone can say with 100% certainty that your ex-girlfriend is never coming back.
There is always going to be a chance that she will come back, however small.
Life is weird like that. We do have a reality TV star as our “President” after all.
I should also be clear that by no means is this list exhaustive. These are the most common signs I see when working with guys through my coaching program.
There are plenty of other indicators that she won’t be coming back, but those are more individual and are too specific to go through here.
We all want a happy ending where everything works out. But in truth, most of us don’t end up with a happy ending.
1: You Get Divorced
Dr. Nancy Kalish who has spend decades studying the mechanics of divorced couples reuniting has found that on average, about 6% of couples who get divorced end up remarrying eachother.
That’s about the same chance a high school football player has of playing in college.
In other words, the chances are not great.
There are a multitude of reasons for this that are far beyond the scope of this article, but for you for my recently divorced guys looking for clarity, I highly reccomend you read my articles on “why she moved on so fast” and the 6 real reasons why women leave.
2: You Move (Or She Moves)
Building (or rebuilding) a relationship happens face to face. It doesn’t happen over the phone. There’s a reason I call long distance relationships the “long distance nightmare”.
Two studies by Mehrabian & Wiener, 1967 and Mehrabian & Ferris, 1967 came to the conclusion that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is tone of voice, and 7% is the words spoken.
Mehrabian himself has stated that this formula is far from absolute, because it doesn’t take into account the context of the situation. But we can use the formula as a proxy to make an important point: it’s much harder to get your meaning across without body language as a context clue.
Why is this important? Consider this little tidbit from my article on the 6 reasons why she really left you:
A 2013 study on divorce found that 83% of women cited a lack of validation for their feelings and opinions as a major factor in the split, followed by their spouse not listening or talking about himself too much coming in at 56%.
Effective communication matters, and it doesn’t take place over the phone.
If one or both of you moves far enough away where getting together isn’t an option, don’t expect that she will come back.
3: You Screwed Up Badly (Or Repeatedly)
When I first started Men’s Breakup, a guy in my coaching program wanted to get my advice on how to get his ex-girlfriend back after he had cheated on her 3 different times, including having sex with another girl in her bed.
He was beyond help.
After working with thousands of guys (including some that really did deserve to be dumped) I can tell you there’s a threshold for forgivness with even the most forgiving women.
For example, if your ex-girlfriend gave you multiple chances to fix something important to her but you failed to do so, it’s extremely unlikely that she’s coming back.
Women will only put up with so much bullshit before they leave you. And once they do, they’re gone for good.
There’s a saying which says it best: people don’t remember what you do, but they remember how you made them feel.
In other words, make her feel like shit enough, and she’s not coming back no matter what you do.
4: Your Ex Is Confident In Herself
Building rock-solid outcome independence makes you magnetic in the bedroom and a master in the boardroom.
It’s a skill I’ve argued that all men MUST master.
Outcome independence comes from two things: confidence, and redundancy. Go read my article on it if you aren’t familiar with the concept.
Once you are familiar, it won’t come as a surprise that self-confidence is strongly associated with recovering from a breakup.
Frazier & Cook, 1993 examined over a dozen relationship variables and found self-confidence to be the strongest predictor of breakup recovery time, where recovery was defined as no longer experiencing emotional distress.
This fits right in line with research which suggests that men and women with anxious attatchment styles are more likely to try to restart the relationship.
Confident women will look to move on, rather than going back to something that didn’t work for them in the past.
And you know what? These women are on to something, because it’s almost always better to to avoid taking back an ex-girlfriend who dumped you.
5: You’ve Been Apart Longer Than You Were Together
By now you’ve heard the saying that time heals all wounds.
You may have also heard that it takes about half as long as you were together with your girlfriend to get over her.
There is some truth to both these statements, which I talk about in one of my most popular articles on how long it takes to get over a breakup.
Getting over a breakup means moving on from the relationship and accepting it as part of your past, instead of your future.
It’s during this time that feelings of love and closeness to your former partner decline, and the seperation becomes permanent.
Sbarra & Emery, 2005 showed that love and sadness decline in a linear fashion over time, as seen below.
To add to this, the same study also showed that predictably, autonomy declined in the first two weeks after the breakup but by week 3 started to rise, as seen below.
Sbarra & Emery only studied this group for 28 total days, but we can draw a couple of important conclusions from this.
The longer you are apart, the less likely you are to get back together.
We can base that on the findings of Joel, MacDonald, & Page-Gould, 2017 who studied 27 distinct reasons why couples get back together.
Over 66% cited emotional closeness and dependence as a reason for getting back together.
And considering that we just proved emotional closeness and dependence both decline significantly within a month of the breakup.
Both of these studies align very closely with what I’ve seen from guys in my coaching program. Most guys who get their exes back do so within a few months after the breakup.
So if it’s been a couple of years, you should learn to let it go and get busy dating new women.
6: She Was A Dismissive Avoidant
Dismissive avoidant’s are tough to be with, and even tougher to get back together with. I can attest to this as a dismissive-avoidant myself.
A dismissive-avoidant is someone who has a positive view of themselves and a negative view of others. Dismissive avoidants see themselves as invulnerable to feelings associated with being close to others, and as a result they often deny they need close relationships.
In a study on behavior in romantic relationships, Monteoliva, Garcia-Martinze, Calvo-Salguero & Aguilar-Luzon, 2012 found that approximately 12.7% of women they studied were dismissive avoidants.
Women with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style won’t be kicking your door down trying to get back together with you. They value autonomy, space, and freedom.
It’s very difficult to get back an ex-girlfriend if she was a dismissive avoidant, because dismissive avoidants view relationships as extra, unneeded work.
This is especially true if you were needy during your relationship. If you want to have any hope of reattracting a dismissive-avoidant after being too needy, you need to read this.
Chances are though, she’s not coming back.
7: She Was A Narcassist
I don’t want to go too deep into this, because I’m working with a clinical pyschologist on a more in-depth look at this – so we’ll keep it surface level for now.
When I say it’s very difficult to get a narcassist ex-girlfriend back I don’t mean it literally.
Many of my readers can, and do get back their narcassist ex-girlfriends using the advice I preach here.
The problem is, after a few weeks they realize the truth.
They get the physical girl back, but she’s not the girl they expect. When you are apart from your ex-girlfriend it’s really easy to build her up as this perfect woman. You overlook her flaws until they smack you in the face like a ton of bricks.
If you are in this situation, let me remind you: your ex-girlfriend is not special.
That “perfect” girl you have in your head doesn’t exist. She’s not coming back.
8: The Bridge Was Burned
There are things that can’t be unsaid, and actions that can’t be taken back.
Whether it’s an act of revenge, or a sally of verbal attacks designed to cut as deep as possible, these often spell the end of any hopes of getting back together.
Considering this a non-exahustive list:
- Physical Violence (If she hits you, she’s a piece of shit. Vice versa if you do it to her).
- Turning loved ones against each other.
- Refusing to give things back
- Spreading highly personal information
- Forcing sex
- Stealing or other criminal acts
If it’s gotten to the point where you or her are resorting to this type of thing, it’s over and there’s no chance in hell it’s coming back.
That’s 100% for the best.
Chances Are, She’s Not Coming Back. But That’s A Good Thing.
Every breakup you go through is an opporitunity to get better. It’s a unique chance for you to grow strong both in body and in mind.
Getting your ex-girlfriend back robs you of that change to level up, and in many cases the relationship ends up going sideways when you do get back together.
Part of getting better is understanding where you went wrong and taking the steps to fix it so that your next relationship can be even better.
And I want to help you get there, which is why I’ve put together this collection of my best articles which are designed to do just that.
Don’t sit around waiting on her to come back. Get reading, and get yourself out there. Get better, and then get someone better for the new you.