7 Signs She’s Scared But Wants You Back & How To Not Screw It All Up

brunette woman looking off into the distance with a concerned expression and a man blurred in the background

If you’re like most guys, then you’re probably talking too much.

No, I don’t mean to your buddies at work. Or to that hot (but incredibly damaged and hilariously insane) bartender who always manages to get a few too many drinks into you.

I mean talking about doing things that you never plan on doing, especially in front of women.

Seriously, that’s the number one reason she’s afraid to get back with you.

Too much talk.

And not enough action.

Sometimes action can be as simple as paying attention.

If you ask most women, their most common complaint about men is either “he never listens to me!” or “he never pays attention to me!”

You might say you’re listening.

What you say matters. But what you do matters twice as much.

When your ex-girlfriend starts to miss you, she’ll give you hints that she’s ready for something more. If you read these hints correctly, you’ll stand a much better chance of getting her back.

But only if you take the right actions! It’s a lot less complicated than you think.

Because if you fail to read her correctly and make any of these mistakes I’m going to talk about today, you could scare your ex-girlfriend off without even realizing it.

Let’s break this down so you have a better chance of success with your ex.

1: She Reaches Out, But Backs Off When You Push Too Hard

cartman from south park writing on a notepad while singing "so push it ooh yeah"

The Sign:

She reaches out to you without you doing anything and seems enthusiastic overall. However, she backs off and stops contacting you when you push her too hard for something as opposed to giving her the option.

What She’s Scared Of:

Being pushed to do things she isn’t ready to do yet. Getting your ex-girlfriend back can take time. She needs time and space to let her feelings for you to develop. Pushing her for things ahead of when she feels comfortable giving them will lead to her ghosting you.

How To Not Screw It Up:

To have success with your ex-girlfriend you need to stop playing checkers and start playing chess. Strategy motherfucker!

patient golden retriever playing chess with two crazy cats
Be patient just like this very good boy. (Source: Giphy)

You need to think LONG-TERM. To really boil it down to the simplest form, getting your ex-girlfriend back is about the following sequence.

She reaches out -> you set a date at your place -> you have a fun time and avoid discussing anything serious -> you have sex -> repeat.

It’s really that simple.

Getting your ex-girlfriend back is a long campaign where it may take months to earn her trust again.

So why rush?

Take the time to embrace the process. In the meantime, enjoy the freedom to date and improve your skills with new women!

“But Jack” you say “I want her back now!”

Tough shit cupcake. If you’ve got oneitis you need to nut up and read this. You screwed up enough that she dumped you, and rushing is just going to make it worse.

Don’t be weak only to push her right into the arms of another guy.

No matter how much you’ve changed she’s not going to see you once and then immediately want to get back together with you like nothing happened.

That’s just not how it works.

Your ex-girlfriend needs time and space to allow her feelings towards you to return. And it’s up to you to have the self-control to give her space to do so.

Trust, love, and attraction grow with repetition.

The two biggest ways men screw this up are as follows:

A: You finally use the no-contact rule and start getting your life back together. But, it all falls apart the second she reaches out to you. Immediately, you send her 15 incredibly needy messages basically begging her to take your ass back.

Predictably, you get no response.

B: She agrees to get together and everything goes well. After the date, you immediately start pushing her to get back into a relationship with you. And guess what happens? “Suddenly” she drops off the face of the earth again.

You’ve taken her signs of interest and taken it too far, too fast.

Think about this from her perspective. She wants time to feel you out again. She wants to see if you’ve changed.

What does it say to her if you immediately push her for something? It tells her you’re not confident in yourself because you’re worried she’ll turn tail and run if you don’t lock her down. It tells her that you’re reactive when she really wants you to be proactive.

Chances are, you were lazy and failed to lead your relationship with her in the first place. This likely played a big part in her leaving you.

What she really wants to see is for you to be calm and assertive. She wants you to understand that it takes time. She also wants to see you slowly lead her back to trusting you.

Emphasis on lead.

To avoid screwing up when she reaches out or agreeing to go on a date you need to play it cool.

To keep it simple: Focus on having fun! Don’t worry about anything else. If you two have fun, she’ll do all the pushing for you.

Her Reaching Out Is A Good Sign – Don’t Screw It Up

Her reaching out is a good sign if you want her back – so it’s important not to push her away. If you are having trouble with her backing off after reaching out, I strongly suggest you book an email coaching session with me below. Click the button below, give me some more information about your situation, and I can help you diagnose what is going wrong.

Otherwise, if you don’t need tailored advice, read the posts below to get a more general idea of how to approach her reaching out.

If she texts you, read this and follow the instructions I’ve laid out for you.

If she agrees to go on a date with you, read this.

2: She Goes Cold When You Act Needy

jim cary reaching out and shouting "love meeeee!"
Source: Giphy

The Sign:

She’s willing to talk with you and go on dates. But the second you act needy (talking too much, not giving her space, and not letting her come to you), she’s gone faster than the Brown’s chances of winning a Superbowl every year.

What She’s Scared Of:

To build trust in you again, your ex-girlfriend needs to know that you’re confident and reliable. Being needy immediately destroys any confidence she has in you because it shows her that you’re afraid of losing her.

How To Avoid Screwing It Up:

Don’t be fucking needy. Simple answer.

Don’t text her unless she texts you first. If she texts you first, only use the phone to make a date.

Don’t slobber all over her on Instagram. Leave the liking and commenting on her posts to the other hapless guys who aren’t getting any.

Date other women!

It’s very easy to scare off your ex-girlfriend when you’re in the initial stages of re-attraction.

You have to contend with her emotions, her friends, and her doubts, all of which are against you.

Having done this multiple times myself, I can tell you that one of the fastest ways to lose your ex-girlfriend for good is to be needy.

Neediness kills!

When you feel needy, you’ll feel the need to force things. When you have to force something, nothing good will come of it.

Write that one down, and make it part of your life. You’ll thank me later!

As we’ve already established, getting your ex-girlfriend back is a long term game. You need a healthy dose of patience if you want her back.

You also need plenty of outcome independence which is the single most attractive characteristic you can have.

Outcome independence is even more critical with your ex-girlfriend because you have even less room for error than you do with a new woman.

The best way to avoid being needy is to do the following:

1: Read about why your ex-girlfriend isn’t special. Also, quit fantasizing about her.

2: Start dating other women ASAP. The more good women you have in your rotation, the better.

3: Improve your life habits. Quit drinking (and sending her drunk texts), start lifting, and for the love of God, quit fapping to her nudes.

3: She’ll Meet Up, But Won’t Talk About Getting Together

Taylor swift dancing and singing "but we are never ever ever ever getting back together" gif
Taylor Swift: WB, would not marry. (Source: Giphy)

The Sign:

She’s open to hanging out and talking with you, but doesn’t bring up getting back together even if you are sleeping together frequently.

What She’s Scared Of:

She’s afraid that your relationship will immediately go back to the way it was when she broke up with you. She’s still attracted enough to want to see you, but not comfortable enough to bring up a relationship label.

How To Not Screw It Up:

Don’t push relationship labels! Who cares if she’s officially your girlfriend or not if you’re having a good time? Enjoy it for what it is, and keep the door open for her to walk back into your life.

Seriously, see if you can think of one purely logical reason why she has to have the girlfriend label.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Pretty difficult, right?

The most common objection I get to this is something along the lines of “If she’s not my girlfriend what’s stopping her from getting someone else?”

Good question.

But will just calling her your girlfriend stop her from doing that if she really wants to?

Nope. If you think otherwise, you’re just going to get burned.

It’s not the label, it’s how she feels about you that matters. She could be head over heels in love with you, whether she calls you her boyfriend or not.

Relationship labels are her thing. Instead of trying to push her to be official again, let her be the one to bring it up.

Let her try to push you into a relationship. If she’s trying to push you into a relationship, she’s not dumping you, or replacing you with someone else.

If you follow the ex-recovery formula correctly, she’ll bring it up to you eventually.

And then all you have to do is say yes.

That’s not that bad, now is it?

4: She Gets Angry At You

Orange county choppers paul sr and paul jr fight and start throwing chairs and trashcans gif
Source: Giphy

The Sign:

She directly or indirectly gets angry at you for something you did during your time together or something you’re currently doing.

What She’s Scared Of:

Being disappointed. Anger is a cover for other emotions. Women often use anger to hide the fact that they’re feeling vulnerable. She’s still attracted to you enough to care, and that care leaves her feeling scared that you’ll fail to meet her expectations again.

How Not To Screw It Up:

When she’s actually angry, don’t try to get into an argument with her. You’re not going to convince her of anything.

The only thing you can do by arguing is push her further away.

Logic won’t work either. Have you ever tried to “logically” convince an anti-vaxxer that vaccines work? What about convincing a socialist that capitalism is good?

When logic meets emotion, emotion often wins.

So don’t waste your breath.

Take note of what she’s angry at, and then read this article about why her anger is a good thing, and how you can use it to build a stronger relationship going forward.

Related: Is Her Anger A Good Sign? It Is, If She Does This

If she has a logical concern behind her anger, make sure you take action to address it. For example, if she’s pissed off because you constantly go back on your word, stop going back on your word.

Once you’ve made the change, let her see it in your actions. For example, set a date with her and then follow through on it. Keep showing her you’ve changed, and eventually the source of that anger (her vulnerability) will become a non-issue.

One important thing to note: don’t tell her you’re changing it. Remember the number one cause of her fear is you talking too much.

She doesn’t want to hear you talk! She wants to see you act.

So act.

However, if she’s angry about something totally ridiculous like how much time you spend in the gym, don’t do anything. Don’t change.

A lot of times women will get angry about things just to test you. Your ex-girlfriend is no different. She’ll test you to see how strong you are. Stand your ground, but don’t rub it in her face. Chances are if it’s something ridiculous she’ll eventually back off.

Once she backs off, don’t mention the area of contention. If she brings it up, pay her lip service and change the topic.

Good women know when they’re being ridiculous. Anyone that tells you otherwise is lying.

If she doesn’t, you probably want to avoid her before she really goes off the deep end, because you’ve got yourself a ticking time bomb.

5: She’s Giving You Mixed Messages

Music video woman pushing man back while he keeps trying to get her attention gif
Live look at you getting played by your ex-girlfriend for the 12th time. (Source: Giphy)

The Sign:

Sometimes she’s excited about the prospect of seeing you, while other times she doesn’t seem to care that you exist. This can also include periods where she reaches out to you all the time but then stops randomly with no explanation.

What She’s Scared Of:

Her own feelings. Assuming you’re doing everything right (which you probably aren’t), when a woman goes back and forth it means she’s questioning her own judgment and is scared to make a decision. Does she really want you? Or does she want someone else?

How To Not Screw It Up:

I’ve got some bad news for you. If she’s hot and cold with you, chances are you’re screwing something up right this second.

If You Give Me More Information – I Can Help You Figure Out What

It’s impossible to diagnose exactly what is going wrong without having more detailed information about your unique situation. If you’re not willing to risk guessing, I strongly suggest working with me to find out the most likely cause.

If you’re willing to guess, it’s possible you could be doing things like:

  • Reaching out to her, instead of letting her reach out to you.
  • Not working to demonstrate how much you’ve changed without having to tell her.
  • Not communicating properly.
  • Not acting congruently. For example, you might act confident sometimes, but needy other times. This causes her to doubt.
  • Pushing her for a relationship, instead of letting her bring it up.
  • Getting too serious too fast. See her once a week initially, and continue that indefinitely until she brings up seeing you more.
  • Talking too much, and not making dates. Whenever you talk on the phone you should be making a date! No exceptions.
  • Not using no-contact correctly. It’s not a defined time period. There’s no rush to break it.

If you’re doing any of these wrong – stop doing them.

Now, if you’re doing everything right and she’s hot and cold, chances are she’s either confused, or seeing someone else.

If you’re doing everything correctly, there’s nothing more you can do. Keep your options open by dating other women so you’re not needy. Give her time and space to miss you.

When it comes to other men, chances are her other guy will screw something up. If you’re doing everything right, she’ll have no choice but to choose you over him.

Focus on making your time together as enjoyable as possible, but other than that there’s not a ton you can do if she’s genuinely confused.

Make sure all the emotions she gets from you are as positive as possible. Stay encouraging, stay happy, and stay fun. If something is bothering you, don’t talk to her about it. Bring it elsewhere.

Keeping the focus positive can cause her to associate you with good emotions, which will make her more likely to choose you.

6: She’s Uncomfortable When Other Women Are Around You

Taylor swift yelling at man dressed in a suit "who is she!?" and pointing jealously
More evidence for the casefile

The Sign:

If she catches you around other women her body language immediately tightens up. This can also be commonly expressed as her showing resentment or asking questions if you post a picture of you with another woman on your social media.

What She’s Scared Of:

That you’ll replace her with someone better, even if she’s just keeping you as one of many options. It’s also possible she’s jealous that you’re treating someone else better than you treated her in the relationship.

How To Not Screw It Up:

Keep doing what you’re doing. In fact, do more of it!

Your ex-girlfriend lost the right to complain about the women you’re around when she broke up with you. It’s not your fault that it makes her uncomfortable.

No matter what, don’t stop spending time with other women. If you cave and go celibate for her, she’ll happily put you in the friendzone as a backup option while she moves on to someone new.

If you’re in marketing you’ve probably heard of the concept of perceived value. Perceived value is the amount of value each person puts on something, independent of the knowledge of its actual value.

Now, all else equal people will pay more for something they perceive to be worth more.

Furthermore, if a lot of people want something, the perceived value goes up, especially if there’s a limited amount of supply.

When your ex-girlfriend sees you with other women, your perceived value goes up because there’s only one of you. And clearly, if there are other women in the picture, you have demand.

See where I’m going with this? If she wants you back, she’s going to have to act fast before someone else snaps you up.

So don’t stop dating. If she wants you to stop, she’s going to have to offer herself instead.

7: She Wants To Be Friends First, And Then See What Happens

girl reaching over guy's lap to reach veggie straws (implied oral sex) followed by dissapointment when it's the veggie straws
RIP. Source (Tenor)

The Sign:

She says something to you along the lines of “let’s take things slow and start by being friends again”. She might offer you an excuse about wanting to see how you both feel. She could also link it back to trust.

What She’s Scared Of:

You. You’ve done something to hurt her where she wants to really take things slow. More likely though, she’s trying to be friends as a “compromise” option because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by dumping you. She may also be afraid of losing you completely.

How To Not Screw It Up:

Being “friends” is a bad deal for you, whether her intentions are honest or not.

A lot of times when she wants to find a new guy, she’ll bring in an old guy that she can use for validation while she finds someone that really gets her wet.

Not all women do this, and most women who ask to be friends do so for the right reasons.

Regardless. Do. Not. Accept. Just. Being. Friends.

Read that again. Don’t fucking do it man. If you want a relationship with her, you need to make a stand for what you want.

Tell her the truth. Say something along the lines of “Baby, I love you too much to be your friend. I want to touch you/kiss you/etc. If you want a relationship, you know where to find me”

That’s it. Then you go no-contact and don’t contact her again until she reaches out.

Do not be friends under any circumstances. No matter what she tells you, being friends will not help your chances.

You want her to think of you as a boyfriend that sexually ravishes her, not a “best friend” who she complains about her period cramps to.

Stay out of the friend zone.

Talk soon my friend,

Coach Jack

PS: PS: Got a burning question about your ex-girlfriend or your unique situation that you want my expert advice on? Click here to learn how I can help you.

Coach Jack

I'm Coach Jack, the owner and founder of Men's Breakup. I help over 1 million men a year radically transform their lives for the better after being dumped. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand experience, and critical analysis to show you how to either get her back, or get over her by building a life of long-term, masculine happiness.

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