A new study out of the University of Texas found the markers of an upcoming breakup 3 months before it actually occurred.
The paper, which was published in the Proceedings of The National Academy of Sciences analyzed 1,027,541 posts from 6,803 Reddit users who posted in r/breakups.
The study found that in the months leading up to the breakup, markers included an increase in I-words, we-words, and words that show cognitive processing. The study also found notable drops in analytic thinking (shocker).
These subtle changes in language were seen when users were talking about topics completely unrelated to their breakups.
The study goes on to say that the changes in language peaked on the week of the breakup, and generally returned to normal within about 6 months to 1 year after the breakup, although there were those who still hadn’t returned to normal over a year later.
The lead author suggests this group still hadn’t adjusted to the reality of the breakup.
This study further confirms what I’ve told many of you guys before in my article about why your ex-girlfriend moved on so fast.
It confirms that:
- Your ex-girlfriend didn’t dump you out of the blue, even if it seemed like everything was going great up until she finally left you. She knew she was going to dump you in the weeks leading up to when it finally happened.
- Even if you didn’t see the signs that she was going to dump you, you probably had some idea that she was not perfectly happy with you.
Now, I know one of you guys is going to shoot me an email along the lines of “Well that’s nice Jack, but so what? She already dumped me! Who cares?”
And if that’s you, you should care.
Because there are a couple of important takeaways for you here, especially if you want her back. Understanding what I’m going to show you below will help you get into the right frame of mind to fix what caused her to dump you.
She’s Already Told You What Was Wrong
You might feel like she didn’t give you a chance to fix what was wrong because she never told you something was wrong in the first place.
But, at this study confirms, she didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to dump you.
RELATED: 6 Reasons Why Women Leave You
Your relationship went downhill gradually.
Back when I was in my early 20s, my first girlfriend dumped me out of nowhere, or so it seemed at the time.
I knew things weren’t perfect.
But still, I couldn’t believe that after 3.5 years of dating she wouldn’t give me a chance to fix our relationship.
That made the pain even worse – and I’m sure you can relate to this – it made me feel like she just gave up on me when I didn’t get that chance.
I asked her so many times to tell me what was wrong so I could fix it. I figured that was all it would take.
Yeah, that hurt.
It took me about a year to realize that she actually was screaming at the top of her lungs that our relationship was headed in the wrong direction, I just wasn’t listening.
And quite frankly, I probably didn’t deserve a second chance because I had screwed up badly.
I just didn’t realize it at the time because I too focused on the pain I felt in that moment, and was blinded to the truth…
If The Breakup Caught You By Surprise, You Weren’t Listening
About a year after we had broken up and most of the painful emotions had faded, I sat down to analyze what had gone wrong.
As an aside, even if you’re not an analytical, more introverted guy like I am, you should always try to break down any bad situations you find yourself in to see what lessons you can learn from them. Then, you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
Anyway, I approached the last few months of my former relationship with a clear and level head trying to figure out what went wrong.
I thought about how I acted, how she acted, what her values were, and the things she had said to me.
And very quickly I realized a number of important things:
- I was not very considerate of her. She had told me so multiple times, and mentioned she didn’t like it and of course, I ignored it, because she didn’t tell me it was an issue.
- I was extremely inconsistent with her. I wouldn’t make definite dates, or give her times to plan around which is a big no-no. I realized this would always get her frustrated in a bad way.
- I was constantly talking about other women around her. Never do this with a serious girlfriend, save that shit for your reserves, if you follow my dating system. This was causing jealousy, and not the good kind.
- I lied to her. Lying, in general, is bad, but you should never lie to the women in your life. They always find out, and when they do, it causes massive drama.
- Her “friend” was waiting on the wings to replace me. Her talking about her new “friend” was her way of saying “Hey! You’re screwing up and your replacement is waiting if you don’t fix things”
Reading this list, you’re probably thinking to yourself “Of course she dumped you! You treated her like shit!”
When it’s logically laid out like that, yeah, it makes sense. But you see, I didn’t realize any of this at the time because as I said before, I wasn’t listening.
So what do I mean by that?
Gia, the woman I’m talking about here, hadn’t come out and told me “You need to fix these things or I’m leaving your ass”.
At least for her, she wasn’t a fan of conflict so she avoided overtly telling me until it was too late.
But the truth was, she had been telling me all along.
You Were Too Focused On What She Was Saying Instead Of How She Was Acting
Actions are the most honest form of communication, so even though it’s important to pay attention to what the women in your life say, it’s even more important to pay attention to what they do.
If I had paid attention to what Gia was doing, I would have seen the red flags that I was about to get dumped.
And guess what? Most of the red flags started popping up about 3 months before we split.
For example, she was texting me less. When we were together, she wasn’t as sweet. It was more difficult to get her to open up and talk to me. Arguments were more frequent and often happened over little things that really didn’t matter. Her sex drive had plummeted.
I wasn’t paying attention to these things, because every time I thought something might be wrong, she told me she was fine.
Cue the music.
I fucked up.
I believed her when she said “It’s fine”.
Because I believed her, when she finally dumped me, I figured I had done nothing wrong.
And because I thought I had done nothing wrong, I had no idea why she dumped me. I had no clue what to work on to save our relationship.
To say that caused some problems…is an understatement.
If You Want To Get Her Back, You Need To Know What Went Wrong First
Once you know what’s wrong, you can start working to fix the issues that caused her to dump you.
So I recommend you compare the last 2-4 months before she dumped you to the first 2-4 months of your relationship to figure out what was different and why.
The “secrets” to why she dumped you are almost always found in those last 2-4 months.
Think about her values, her needs, her personality, and how you treated her.
You should also think about how she was acting in response to how you acted.
I admit, this can be difficult to do, especially if you’re still hurting after she left you. It’s difficult to look at your former relationship objectively when you still aren’t over it.
That’s why I waited over a year, several months after I had decided I didn’t want her back.
But if you want her back, you need to know what went wrong and how to fix it.
Otherwise, your chances of getting her back are slim to none.
Several studies show your chances of getting her back without help as are low as 20-30%.
You need an objective voice who will tell you the truth so you can fix what’s actually important – instead of going in the wrong direction.
That’s where I come in. For those of you who want extra help, I now offer email coaching. In a single session, I can help you pinpoint exactly what went wrong, and then help you put in place a step-by-step plan to fix it.
Otherwise, stick around and see what you can do to help save your relationship.