If she dumped you for any reason, you should only take her back if you have been broken up for long enough where you can see the good and bad in your former relationship objectively. Getting back together too soon can have negative emotional and developmental consequences.
I’ve worked with thousands of men from all walks of life over the years. There are only 2 situations where I would absolutely endorse getting back together with a woman that dumped you.
For most of you reading this, you will be better off if you use your former relationship as fuel to become a better man.
Because going back is never as good as you remember. Trust me (and the thousands of guys I’ve worked with who will cosign this statement), your former relationship was not as good as you are remembering it.
There’s your answer. If that answers your question, we’re done here for today.
But if you want me to go a little deeper, stay tuned, because we’re about to get into the good stuff.
If She Wants You Back Right Now, Make Her Wait
The biggest mistake you can make is taking her back without thinking the entire thing through first.
Make no mistake, for most of you reading this, it’s going to be hard as fuck to do this. You will want to take her back.
But just know, this isn’t because your relationship was all rainbows and roses. It wasn’t, even if it feels that way right now.
The reason you are feeling this way is due to chemical dependence. It’s like recovering from an addiction. If you’re new here, I call these powerful phenomena the dreaded ex-girlfriend addiction, which you should read more about by clicking that link.
Seriously, it will give that big brain of yours a ton of context which will help you digest what I’m about to say here.
That being said….
Even if your relationship is meant to be, you need to consider the entire situation so you can make an informed decision.
You might want her back right this second, but are you sure you will still want to be with her in 6 months? A year? 10 years?
So if she’s blowing up your phone right now, resist the urge to open your arms wide and tearfully take her back. This isn’t a movie. Not everything works out.
Talking it out sounds great in theory; but the only truth that matters is your own truth. Not her truth. You aren’t going to gain anything by talking it out in this case.
The good news is you don’t need everything to work out for you to date a wonderful woman (or a few wonderful women, if you follow my dating system).
But before we can get to that…
Think, Don’t Act (Or Text)
The veritable Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines thinking as:
exercising the powers of judgment, conception, or inference
Notice what it doesn’t mention? I’ll give you a few seconds to think.
Emotion. There’s no mention of emotions or feelings. Judgment, conception, and inference are all removed from your feelings.
While it’s extremely important to understand your feelings, it’s also equally important not to act on them until you have thought things through first.
What do I mean by this?
I’ll use this little tidbit (courtesy of Askmen.com) to show you.
I just got out of a year-long relationship. Or so I thought. My girlfriend dumped me a few weeks ago and broke my heart. Then she texted me late one night that she was thinking about things and starting to think she had made the wrong move. I got the sense that she was probably drunk, so I ignored it. But the next morning she followed up and for the next few days kept texting me, begging me to meet up and talk things over. I shouldn’t be considering this, right? It’s insane. But I can’t stop thinking about it. (emphasis mine)
You (hopefully).
This is usually how it goes. Your girl leaves you to go out into the world only to realize she messed up.
Then she decides she’s going to do her thing and drop a few texts in the hope she’ll be able to make her way back into your good graces.
The guy in this case did the right thing by ignoring her. If you find yourself in the same situation as our man in this example, you have to ignore her at first.
It might be hard, but it will potentially save you from years of suffering.
Now, do you notice how even though he knows he shouldn’t be considering taking her back, our man is still stressing hard. He freely admits he thinks it’s insane, but can’t help thinking about it anyway.
What’s happening here is his emotions are overriding his better judgment. That is exactly what we need to defend against.
I’ve talked about this in my article about why no contact is so effective, but I’ll repeat it again here: when you start talking to her, even if you try to be logical, your emotions are going to overpower you.
I’m sure by now you are familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs. Take a look at the bottom of the triangle. Notice what it says next to food, water, sleep and breathing?
Sex.
Now you might not be consciously thinking about sex when she texts you asking to get back together.
But your subconscious sure as hell is. Sex is on the same level as breathing. And last I checked if you stop breathing, bad things happen.
Your brain will try to meet your physiological needs always, because it views them as necessary to survive, even if logically you know better.
So don’t give your subconscious a chance to engage. If she reaches out to you, the best thing you can do (even if you want her back) is to ignore her for now.
Before you can even make a decision, you need to do some detective work.
First Things First, Why Did She Leave You?
Unless she just up and vanished into the night, there are clues you can use to tease out why she left.
This context is extremely important, so don’t skip this step. Like I said before, there are only 2 cases where I would endorse getting back together with your ex-girlfriend.
A while back, I wrote an article about the 6 main reasons why women break up with men. Read that article first, because it will help with what we’re about to do next.
You’ll notice that all the causes I mention in that article aren’t focused on her. They are focused on you.
That’s an important distinction, as we will talk about in just a second. Hopefully, you have a better idea of what went wrong.
Now you need to ask yourself: was her decision to break up with you a spontaneous one, or was it one that may have been carefully planned months ahead of time?
Spoiler alert: it’s almost always the second one.
Was It You, Or Was It Her?
This next exercise is going to require you to be brutally honest with yourself, so please don’t sugarcoat things to make your ego feel better.
Was it her fault, or was it yours?
Make no mistake, even though she dumped you, it could still be your fault.
If you read the article about the 6 real reasons women leave men, you should have a pretty good idea if it’s your fault.
But, if none of the 6 reasons really seemed to explain why your relationship ended, it was probably something you had no control over.
In this case, it was probably her.
Now, she might have a good reason, including:
- Breaking up for logistical reasons (studying in a different city, job/career opportunities/needing to move back to take care of family);
- Needing extended treatment for mental/physical issues;
- Wanting time apart in order to figure out who she really is;
On the other hand, there are some underlying signs that her reason for leaving you is not on the up and up.
For example, if she:
- Cheated and then dumped you;
- Had a history of cheating previously;
- Was cold and distant for your entire relationship;
- Had emotional/drug issues;
- Was unable to let things go/forgive you;
- Was manipulative;
- Was a narcissist or a psychopath;
- Was BPD or Bipolar;
- Used you for your money/connections/place to live/experiences;
Chances are if she did any of these things, she probably left you to pursue something negative. In this case, it’s her fault. Don’t get me wrong, you aren’t off the hook because you still chose to date her in the first place.
Granted, most women are not like this.
It’s only a small section of women that do anything like this. Most women genuinely want a good relationship with a good man, and you shouldn’t judge all women are based on how one woman was.
Once You Know; Make An Educated Decision
As I mentioned before, there are only two situations where I would suggest you entertain the idea of taking her back.
They are:
1: If the breakup was ONLY caused by logistical issues.
2: If the breakup was ONLY caused by something you screwed up, but have now fixed.
If it was for any other reason, you shouldn’t think twice about taking her back. If you do, chances are you are going to end up regretting it in the long run.
If either of these doesn’t describe your own unique situation, do yourself a favor and tell her that you’re moving on. Start dating other women. Get after it in the gym (wear your mask). Read some good books.
Most importantly, read this on how to stop thinking about her all the time.
Don’t make excuses for her. After all, she didn’t make them for you.
Be honest with yourself.
Otherwise, there’s a very real risk you’re going to end up in a relationship that’s going nowhere with a woman who has already proven she will leave when the going gets rough.
Is that really the kind of woman you want to date?
I vote no, but hey, it’s your life.
Now, on the other hand, what if you realized that she left you for one of the two reasons above?
Don’t Rush Back To Your Old Relationship. Let Her Earn Her Way Into A New One.
We value the things we work for. It’s never as fun getting something as a gift as it is working your ass off and earning it.
We can apply that same principle to relationships.
Look fellas, even if she had a good reason for leaving, she still left you.
Don’t just resume your old relationship as if nothing happened.
If she is coming back to you now, it’s because she realizes how important you are to her.
She might seem motivated, but it’s up to you to make sure she’s not just yanking you around. Again, most women won’t do this, but some do.
The key to letting her earn her way back in is simple.
First, you need to build a healthy dose of outcome independence so you don’t let your emotions overtake you to the point where you rush things.
Once you’re confident in your outcome independence, invite her over to your place. Don’t make any mention of talking about getting back together. Just invite her over. I’ve covered the exact steps for this process here, in great detail.
Just rinse and repeat that process. Resist the urge to go out of your way. Treat her like you would treat any other girl. Enjoy your time together like you would with a girl you just met, but don’t be her boyfriend. At least right away.
Give her time to prove herself. Generally, I recommend giving her about 3 months. If things are drama-free and otherwise good, then you can start entertaining the idea of getting back together.
If you do go that route, forgive; but don’t forget.
If it was you who caused the breakup, forgive yourself. But don’t forget what led to you turning her off in the first place. Those who don’t understand history are doomed to repeat it.
If it was her (but she had a good reason) let her off the hook. But don’t forget, she did choose something (even if she had a good reason) over you, so don’t be surprised if it happens again. Be prepared.
For the rest of you guys, telling her to move on is your best bet. Get back out there and start working on your dating game. There’s a better woman waiting for a better version of you.
And I’m here to help you figure out who that is and how to get there.
Talk soon,
Coach Jack
PS: Need help processing the breakup so you can get back to feeling like yourself again? Click here to learn how I can help you.