Pain can be good for you if you frame it the right way.
Not all pain, and not all the time of course. I’m talking specifically about the pain you’re feeling as a result of her leaving you.
But that’s probably no help to you when you’re lying awake at night, thinking to yourself “God, I’d rather be kicked in the nuts repeatedly because at least that would heal faster”. Even when you’re not in pain, it’s creeping at the edge of your consciousness, just waiting for a down moment to strike.
But I promise you – you will get through it. In fact, I’ve even written an article that tells you how long it may take you to get over it.
But the question is – will all this pain you are mean something? Will you come out of it better? Will you use it to ask the right questions to improve yourself and your future relationships, or will you repeat your mistakes and doom yourself to another cycle of pain in the future?
While there’s nothing that I can say that will take the pain away, by the end of this article I promise your perspective on pain will never be the same if you approach what I’m about to say with an open mind.
The Happiness Change Curve
The Happiness Change Curve is a visualization that gives you a sense of how your happiness changes over time after you get dumped. Obviously, this is not a literal graph, but I think you get the idea. Overall, your happiness drops after you’ve been dumped and only goes back up as you begin to accept your new reality and take action according to it.
If you are like most of my readers, you are somewhere between Denial and Experimentation – which means the worst pain is on the way if it isn’t already here.
So knowing that, what can you do?
You have two choices. You can either sink into the pain and fall into a period of deep depression because you aren’t able to cope with the change, or you can choose to look for meaning in your pain.
Choose Purposeful Pain Instead
If you were dumped without closure, you probably feel like you are suffering for no reason. One minute everything was great, and you were happy together. The next, the girl you thought loved you told you she didn’t see a future with you, while you have no idea what changed. And trust me, I know how bad that fucking sucks.
Obviously, you didn’t choose for her to dump you. You have no control over her.
But you do have control over yourself – and you can take the first step forward by choosing Purposeful Pain.
So what is Purposeful Pain?
Purposeful Pain is what it sounds like: the act of finding the meaning in your pain that you need to drive you forward into tomorrow.
Purposeful Pain is what led me to start Men’s Breakup.
As some of you know, when I was in my early 20s, I went through a very difficult breakup that left me down and out for several months. I initially decided to start Men’s Breakup in order to help men like you overcome the same struggle I was going through. It gave me a sense of vindication – even though I was suffering I wasn’t suffering for no reason. I could share the lessons I learned and the pain I felt with other men, and that gave me the strength to keep going even when I really did not want to.
How you find purpose in the pain will be different than how I did. It’s different for every guy. For example, you might decide the purpose of your pain is to:
- Help you reconnect with family or friends you may have neglected while you were together with your ex-girlfriend.
- Allow you to build your emotional intelligence and empathy in order to better relate to others
- Awaken gratitude and newfound appreciation for the things you do have
- Move you into action on an important goal that you are now free to achieve
- Allow you to better understand yourself and what you want from your life and relationships
- Inspire you to better yourself through healthier habits and relationships
Purposeful Pain Is A Proxy For Lasting Change
Pain creates powerful memories so we can avoid repeating harmful behavior.
I know you understand this concept intuitively for physical pain. If you burn your hand on a hot stove, chances are you’re going to avoid touching it a second time. I hope.
You want to apply the same concept to your own behavior, the women you date, and the system you use to date them. Pay attention to where the pain is coming from and what hurts specifically. Once you get past the first few days or weeks of your breakup, you should have a relatively decent idea of what is hurting and why.
I’ll give you a personal example. Around the time I started Men’s Breakup, I realized that there were a few reasons my breakup was as painful as it was:
- I relied on only ONE woman for all my sexual and emotional needs so I was lonely without her;
- I had let some of my friendships weaken because I was spending too much time with my then girlfriend which meant I had fewer people to talk with;
- My confidence had taken a hit because I had convinced myself that she would never leave me;
- My sense of identity had been tied to being her boyfriend instead of being myself;
So what did I do? Did I cry about it and complain that all women were horrible?
Actually yes, I did for about 3 months. I was bitter and resentful. But eventually, I realized that I had to make the choice to get out of the rut I was in. I figured out why I was hurting and I took corrective action to fix the problems.
- I stopped dating just one woman at a time and started dating multiple women at the same time (which caused me all kinds of problems because I hadn’t figured out a good system at that time)
- I began to clarify what type of woman I really wanted instead of going after any woman who wanted me;
- I spent time deepening my connections with friends and family.
- I learned to base my confidence on my own goals, values, experiences, and beliefs instead of how others thought of me.
- I took the time to start clarifying who I am as an individual, even though I’ll admit I’m still working on this to this day.
Any time I felt like not working towards corrective action, I reminded myself how badly it hurt right after I had just been dumped. Every time, it lit a fire under my ass.
Take stock of your own pain. What is causing it? Why do you think it hurts? What can you do to make it better?
Once you’ve answered those questions, use the pain as a motivator to make it better so you won’t ever have to deal with the same degree of pain ever again. Don’t date the same type of chick, or make the same petty mistakes in your next relationship.
Pain Makes You Better – Don’t Waste It
I’ll be the first one to admit, choosing Purposeful Pain and then using that Purposeful Pain to create lasting change is difficult.
I know firsthand that it can be hard to think about things deeply, especially when you are suffering, even if you really want to change and improve your life to get back to being the happy, ass-kicking motherfucker you were before she left.
Moreover, it requires structure and focus to create a cohesive plan that identifies your unique pain points, and then helps you translate the purpose behind them into repeatable daily action.
In my opinion, this is why coaching is so important. You can figure this stuff out on your own, but having a coach will dramatically speed up your results and help you establish structure so you can turn your pain into your superpower.
A lot of times in life, massive success is built off of tremendous pain and failure.
So no, your pain is not for nothing.
It has a purpose – and its purpose is to make you into the man you were always meant to be, dating the types of women you really deserve.
And I want to be the guy that helps you get from where you are right now, to being the guy above.
So don’t wait and wallow in your pain. Take charge of it. Use it now while you still have it, so that the future you will be proud.