While there are no guarantees, there are things to say to get back with your ex and increase the chances of a successful reconciliation.
Knowing what to say to win her back can be the difference between success and failure.
Because let’s face it – when you’re under pressure and you don’t have a plan, it’s a hell of a lot easier to say something from love, anger, sadness or jealousy that you probably shouldn’t say.
And I swear to god, some of the articles on this topic are just fucking terrible. They read like something you’d tell a 12-year-old looking to mend the fences with his ex after stubbing his toe. Sheesh.
I’m not going to patronize your intelligence by feeding you that drivel. If you actually want to get her back, you’re going to have to say a lot more than sorry – I’ve changed.
What you want to say to get her back is as important as what not to say.
One of the key themes we’re going to be touching on in this article is keeping your message consistent. What does that mean?
Keeping your message consistent means focusing on what you say and what you sub-communicate by it.
If you want her back, you really need to focus on 4 key messages and reinforce those messages consistently
- I’m not going to fight against your decision to end our partnership;
- I want to be in a relationship with you – anything less than that is not enough;
- I hear what you are saying – and I understand why you are saying it;
- I want to renew our relationship the right way;
And that also means avoiding saying anything that suggests the exact opposite:
- I’m going to fight your decision to end the relationship;
- I’m willing to accept less than a romantic relationship with you;
- I don’t understand what you feel, or why you feel that way;
- I don’t care what I have to say as long as you take me back;
Easy enough, right?
I’m going to focus on 17 things to say to your ex-girlfriend to show her you’re serious about reconciliation – as well as 17 things you shouldn’t say.
Let’s get right down to it.
1: I respect your decision
If you’re wondering what to say to get her back, you always want to start by telling her that you respect her decision.
I know, these probably aren’t the sweet words you’re looking for.
But hear me out.
When you’re willing to walk away without trying to change her mind, it shows her that you value her feelings and love her enough to put her needs before yours. It also minimizes the guilt she’ll feel – which is important later.
More importantly – when emotions run high you have no chance to change your mind.
Trying to change your former flame’s mind when she already has made her decision is considered chasing her.
When you walk away without begging her for a second chance, you preserve her respect for you. You also subliminally tell her that she’s safe to express how she feels to you without fear of your judgment or reaction.
2: How can I help you with [insert breakup logistics]?
When you are understanding and easy to work with on resolving shared issues of concern (AKA the breakup logistics), you demonstrate to her that you still care about her well-being. You also show her you care about being a good, supportive partner.
Being nice and supportive can remind her of other good qualities you have – instead of those that made her want to leave.
Pro Tip: It’s okay to communicate proactively with her when you have outstanding breakup logistics to resolve. You should only use the no-contact rule with her after you have resolved the breakup logistics.
3: I love you too much to be your friend (right now)
As I’ve talked about before, you should never agree to be friends with your ex-girlfriend if you want her back.
If you want to know more about why you should say that, go read the article I’ve linked above.
When you refuse to be her friend right after the breakup, you give her time to miss you. More importantly – you give yourself time and space to work on yourself, which is the critical ingredient to any second chance, as I talk about in my course on how to get your ex back.
4: If you ever change your mind, please let me know…
When you say this to your ex, you make it clear to her that while you respect her decision, you still love her and want to be in a relationship with her – without begging or pleading.
How saying this to her helps you get her back: When you’ve made it clear that you want her back, you are safe to assume that when she contacts you – she may be interested.
Then, you can follow the process I teach in the article below.
Read More: What To Say When Your Ex-Girlfriend Reaches Out
5: …otherwise, please give me space
Trust me, I know that this is the last thing you want. But you need space to gain perspective about the situation. Time and space may lead you to realize that you don’t want her back.
If you tell her to only contact you if she wants to get back together, and you ask for space – you can be reasonably sure that her intentions are in line with rekindling the romance if she reaches out to you.
6: I wish you all the best
This should go without saying – but you always want to end on as good a note as possible. Resist the urge to get a “last word” in. Once you have said your piece, let the past be the past and walk away.
Read More: The Complete Guide To The No-Contact Rule
The shows emotional intelligence and self-respect – both of which are traits of a high-value man AKA the type of man that stands the best chance of re-attracting her.
This also keeps your message consistent – if she does not do something, you are not coming back.
Once you’ve made the decision to walk away, you need to be patient and wait for her to come to you at her own pace.
None of these here and there check-in chats, or small interactions. Just silence.
7: I hear you
Whenever you do speak to her, you always want to lead with empathy. That means giving her space to voice her emotions and then making an effort to understand where your lady is coming from.
When you are able to listen to her without judgment, and really understand what she is saying – you reinforce your bonds as a couple.
This is especially critical if she wants to discuss the issues that took place in your relationship.
You want to refrain from offering a solution – and instead focus on letting her say her piece.
One of the major complaints women have is that men don’t listen. Not making this mistake opens the door to future communication – as relationships thrive when both parties feel seen and heard.
8: Your feelings are valid
You must validate her feelings if you want her back.
When you invalidate her feelings or try to gaslight her, you destroy any remaining trust and intimacy between you and your lady.
Whether or not you agree with how she feels about you, your behavior, or the breakup, her beliefs, and feelings are equally true and valid.
You should always avoid blame, defensiveness, and anger when she communicates how she feels.
Validating her emotions shows you respect her – and that her experiences – and by extension, she as a person are important to you. This builds connection.
9: Tell me more about that [when she’s emotionally aroused]
This shows that you are interested in her emotional experience and are willing to listen to her. It also helps to encourage open communication and can deepen your understanding of each other.
You get more information about why she’s feeling a certain way – which allows you to address those issues later on. Moreover – this genuine interest in her shows how much you care about her without being needy or controlling.
This can go a long way towards rebuilding trust in you as a high-value man – AKA the type of emotionally intelligent guy she actually wants to be with.
10: From what I’m hearing, you’re saying that
Emotions often run high during the breakup and shit is often said that is hurtful and unclear.
If you want her back, you have to communicate openly.
So how do you fix this?
You make an effort to repeat back what she has said to you in an effort to make sure you are both on the same page.
If you want her back, the fewer misunderstandings you have – the better. When you repeat back what you think she said, you make sure both of you are on the same page.
This approach helps lower tension and keeps you in an empathetic frame where you’re actually listening to her instead of trying to be heard. You’ll do a better job of overcoming her walls this way, a critical component of getting her back as we talk about in The Fundamentals.
11: I’m sorry
Apologizing sincerely can be a powerful technique to show empathy and rebuild trust, when used correctly.
It shows you’ve taken ownership of your side of the mistakes you’ve made in the relationship. It also demonstrates controlled vulnerability – another key concept I talk about in The Fundamentals.
A good apology does not make excuses – and it avoids blaming her.
Don’t be profuse in your apology – but if you know you fucked up, admit it – even if it’s not going to change how she feels about you.
If you f*cked something up, a brief apology shows you understand what went wrong – and awareness of the problem is the first step in fixing it. This is far more effective at repairing trust than if you refuse to back down because you believe she is trying to emasculate you or control the situation.
12: It means a lot to me
Telling your ex-girlfriend “it means a lot to me” is an important thing to say if you want to get her back because it conveys sincerity and emotional investment in the relationship.
You want to say this if she goes out of her way to do something for you. An easy example is if she’s returning your stuff. When you express appreciation with small gestures of gratitude, this can help rekindle feelings of attraction, trust, and loyalty that were damaged during the breakup.
If you’re the type of guy looking for sweet words to win her heart back without looking needy, gratitude is always a good place to start – as long as you’re not praising her for everything under the sun.
If that’s you – you need to read this article about why your ex-girlfriend is not special.
Speaking of gratitude…
13: I’m grateful for [insert thing]
Every time you talk to your ex-girlfriend you want to stay positive.
Gratitude in any form can be a powerful tool to help you do that – especially if you want to rebuild the relationship.
One 2011 study went so far as to call gratitude a “booster shot” for romantic relationships as the study found that couples who regularly expressed gratitude towards each other reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction and felt closer to one another.
The same study has found that gratitude increases empathy, and reduces aggression levels – both of which are critical to getting her back (more on the second part in a minute.
As far as important things to say to your ex-girlfriend – gratitude is very high on the list.
14: Remember that time when we [insert memory]
Your memories are a great source of shared love and inspiration – and can be exactly what you want to remind her of if you want to get her back.
A 2021 study found that remembering positive relationship events for the purpose of connecting with others was associated with increased intimacy and relationship satisfaction.
You want to focus on the positive memories to connect with her, as opposed to using them to attempt to influence her future behavior – as the study found there’s a negative association with relationship quality when you use the memories to try to guide her future behavior.
The best time to bring up memories is when she has reached out to you and appears to be in a good mood. Our brains have a built-in negativity bias – where positive memories can be harder to remember.
It’s good to refresh those connections every so often – and in doing so, you can remind her of why you got together in the first place.
Pro tip: Use this one sparingly in a moment when she’s already feeling happy.
15: Come cook dinner with me
If your ex-girlfriend reaches out to you at any point while you’re in no-contact after you’ve told her to please not contact you, you should assume she’s interested.
You then want to invite her to dinner at your place which you can cook together – so you can chat openly, have fun, and do so in a low-pressure environment.
I’ve written an entire article about this which you can read below.
Read More: Your Ex-Girlfriend Agreed To Meet Up. Now What?
16: I’m in no rush, I want to get to know you again
When you tell your ex-girlfriend you are in no rush to get back together, you take the pressure off her.
This is especially critical if she was the one who dumped you. When you verbalize this to her, you confer that you’re willing to take things slow and invest the time and effort needed to rebuild the relationship.
As we talk about in my course on how to get your ex back this is a critical part of Phases 2 and 3 – you don’t want to rush back into a relationship with her. The more time you take to get to know her, and yourself – the better positioned you are to actually keep her for good.
It also gives your ex-girlfriend the space and time she needs to process her feelings and consider the possibility of getting back together with you.
17: I love you
When you’re looking for what to say to win her back, you always want to focus on your genuine feelings of love and gratitude – as opposed to jealousy or anger.
While it’s not guaranteed to get her back, when you speak to her from a place of love – generally your words come across in ways that lead to better outcomes.
There’s a concept I talk about in the Fundamentals that will help you with this: warm but reserved. She should feel your love when she chooses to talk to you – but you should always hold some of it back so you don’t come across as needy or desperate.
What About What You Shouldn’t Say To Get Her Back?
Okay, now that I’ve told you the 17 things you want to say, let’s talk about the other side of the equation – the things you want to avoid.
And look, there’s a good chance you’ve already told her some of the things on this list. That’s okay.
You didn’t know any better.
You were scared. Lonely. Angry.
But from this moment forward, no excuses motherfucker.
I’m going to rapid-fire these off because this article is already almost 3,000 words long. If you want me to do a separate article just on this topic in the future – let me know and I’ll consider it.
1: Please take me back / I’ll do anything to save this relationship
You might think this is sweet, but I guarantee you she thinks it’s needy and desperate especially if she dumped you.
You should never beg someone to stay in a relationship with you. If she isn’t riding for you, that’s her loss.
When you say it after she has communicated that she wants to end the relationship, it comes across as too little, too late.
She may think to herself “where was this during the relationship?”.
Instead of saying this, you want to step back and put in the work.
2: You’ll regret this!
This comes across as a threat – and threatening her is not going to rebuild empathy and trust.
Plus, you then look like the type of guy that is going to go all psycho-stalker on her. Not a great thing to tell her if you want to win her heart back.
3: Let’s be friends
This goes without saying.
When you communicate that you want to be friends just to get her back, you are being fundamentally dishonest.
That’s not leading with empathy.
4: I thought you were different
When you tell your ex-girlfriend this, what you’re really doing is piling on the guilt.
Do you really think she’s going to want to speak with you if every time you talk you make her feel guilty?
Fuck no.
5: I refuse to do [insert breakup logistics]
When you tell her that you refuse to help her, you basically give her the middle finger.
Yes, it feels good, and yes it may be the right decision for your circumstances…but saying this to her is not going to help you get her back.
Why would she want to be your partner if you’re difficult to work with?
6: I can’t believe you did [insert thing]
When you say this to her – you immediately put her on the defensive.
DO. NOT. DO. THIS.
How are you supposed to give her room to express her feelings openly and honestly if she has to defend herself?
7: Are you dating someone else?
I get it – the potential that she replaced you with another guy is killing you inside.
But if you ask her this, all you are really telling her is:
- You’re controlling;
- You’re a jealous manchild who can’t move on;
- She was right to leave you;
- You’re going to ask her uncomfortable questions if she tries to talk to you;
This is one of the biggest mistakes my clients make. If she wants to date someone else, let her. Focus on being the better option.
8: Did you ever really love me?
When you question the love that you shared with her – it automatically puts her on the defensive.
I’ve already covered why this is bad.
Assume she loves you – and move on.
9: That’s not what happened!
Telling her this may feel good – but all you’re really doing is gaslighting her (at least in her mind).
Her interpretation of events may be different.
Instead of trying to argue with her about what is “right” (guy logic) you’re better off sitting back and listening to her without judgment, even if it hurts your feelings.
You’ll get a lot more information that way.
10: I’ll never stop loving you
This has the potential to give her creepy psycho-stalker vibes.
Plus – it’s the exact opposite of walking away.
And the truth is, there will be a point in the future when you stop loving her.
I know you can’t imagine that right now, but trust me, my man, I’m telling you that it will happen.
11: I’ll wait for you, as long as it takes
High-value men who want lives of long-term, masculine happiness do not wait on women.
It should go without saying that you never want to tell your ex-girlfriend this.
If she made the decision to break up with you, respect her decision and indicate to her that you’re going to do your best to move on with your life instead of clinging to her like a baby money.
12: You’re always such a [insert negative generalization]
When you make a negative generalization about her, you put her on the defensive. No one likes criticism.
In my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back, we talk about a concept called bringing down her walls.
This means using empathy and selfless compassion so she feels safe to share her feelings with you.
When you put her on the defensive, her walls go back up and your chances of connecting with her go to basically 0.
13: I’ve changed!
This isn’t a terrible thing to tell her if you want her back – but you are almost always better off showing her that you’ve changed instead of trying to tell her you’ve changed.
Show don’t tell.
14: I want to give you freedom of choice
She already had the freedom to choose.
She chose to dump your ass.
You aren’t giving her the “freedom” to do anything when you say this. All you are doing is trying to be a controlling asshole while pretending you’re not.
And guess who’s gonna see right through the bullshit?
Yup.
Your ex-girlfriend.
15: I’m wondering if you really are the one for me
This is playing games. It’s another PUA-style technique meant to put her on the back foot and make her qualify herself.
This is not leading with empathy, it’s trying to assert your role in the dominance hierarchy.
Skip this.
16: I wish I’d never met you
I know – easy to say shit like this, especially if the hammer drops. It might be true, too. Regardless, this confers a lot of guilt – and guilt is one of the strongest drivers of avoidance.
17: I’m going to [insert threat/expression of rage]
Threatening her is one of the worst things you can do if you want her back.
I’ll be honest with you – if you blew up at her and said some shit to make her feel afraid, she’s probably not coming back.
If that’s the case, you’re better off moving on.
BONUS: Everything on this f*cking list
I’ve been fucking around with ChatGPT lately and I decided to ask for its input on sh*t you should avoid saying. ChatGPT is wildin’ out here.
SO yes – also avoid everything on this list.
I guess that brings this list to 18 things you should say, along with 33 that you shouldn’t.
What’s The Right Way To Tell Her I Want Her Back?
While there is no one right way to tell your ex-girlfriend that you want her back because every relationship is different, there are general guidelines.
I’ve given you some of the things to say, and to avoid in this article.
But getting her back is not as simple as what to say.
It’s also when you say it, and how you say it.
These are both complicated topics that I can’t possibly explain in this article – but they are critical if you want to stand a chance of getting back with your ex.
In The Fundamentals, we spend several modules covering communication skills – so when you sit down to talk with your ex-girlfriend you know more than just what to say. You know how to say it.
So you can walk into any conversation, or into any DM with confidence that you’re saying the right things at the right times.
If that sounds like something you’re interested in, check out my course on how to get your ex-girlfriend back here.
I’ll see you inside.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Or if you’re not ready to dive head first into that, check out my article on the 18 best ways to get your ex-girlfriend back