Public service announcement incoming gentlemen.
For those of you asking “Should I wish my ex happy Valentines Day?” the answer is absolutelyfuckingnot, with one exception.
If you are following what I teach, then you must follow the no contact rule this Valentine’s Day. No ifs. No buts. No excuses.
As you know, Valentine’s Day is here, and with it, a litany of cliche captions will soon be plastered over Instagram stories everywhere.
Billions of dollars will be spent on one of the top 5 most successful marketing campaigns known to man, up there with Santa…and our favorite corrupt blood-diamond monopoly – DeBeers.
Flowers will be exchanged. Dinners will be had. Chocolates will be given.
And this Valentine’s Day, as a single man, you won’t be participating in any of it.
And it’s not because you’re against the friendly corporate oligarchs ruling the world.
Nope.
It’s because you should not wish your ex a happy valentines day…or contact her for any reason.
You get to take today off.
And that’s because…
Valentines Day is not an excuse to contact your ex-girlfriend – or god forbid – send her some fucking chocolates.
Not only does it make you look needy, but it damages your chances of getting her back. Give me a few minutes and I’ll explain.
Read More: How To Re-Attract Her After Being Needy
Now, I’m not telling you this to be an asshole. Far from it.
I’m trying to save you from yourself. Every year, right around this time, my mailbox starts blowing up with people asking me questions about how to handle Valentine’s day with their ex-girlfriend.
The answer is really simple: you don’t have to handle anything. You’re not together. Under no circumstances should you even consider doing anything/getting anything for her.
But the questions still come in. Perhaps you have them too. Perhaps you’re wondering:
- Should I wish my ex happy Valentines day?
- Should I ask my ex to be my Valentine?
- Should I send my ex flowers on Valentines day?
- Will my ex reach out on Valentines day?
- What if my ex girlfriend texts me on Valentines day?
So if you are wondering the answers to any of these…you’re in the right place.
Consider this your free Valentine’s Day Survival Guide.
“Should I Wish My Ex Happy Valentines Day?”
For most of you reading this, under no circumstances should you wish your ex a happy Valentine’s Day. If you are focused on either getting her back or getting over her there is no reason for you to risk re-opening the wound by contacting her.
It’s another story if she contacts you – as I’ll talk about in a second.
But please, for your own sake, don’t reach out.
If you are wondering why that is, you need to read the article I have linked below.
Read More: The Definitive Guide To No Contact With Your Ex-Girlfriend
There is one notable exception where you could wish your ex a happy Valentine’s Day. Notice I said could not should. That’s an important distinction.
If you are working to build a new and healthy relationship with your ex-girlfriend, it may be worth wishing her a happy valentines day. What do I mean by that?
If you are currently dating your ex that means:
- You have gone on a minimum of 2-3 dates that follow the template I talk about in my article “Your Ex-Girlfriend Agreed To Meet Up“
- Your ex-girlfriend is the one who is initiating 100% of the communication (because you shouldn’t be chasing her if she dumped you)
If this is the case, you can wish her a happy Valentine’s Day.
Stick to something short and sweet that shows you appreciate her as a person. No long romance novels or pouring your heart out. Stick to short, and non-needy.
For the rest of you…
If You Are Still In No Contact On Valentines Day, Don’t Bother Wishing Your Ex-Girlfriend A Happy Valentine’s Day
Do not break no contact unless your situation meets the parameters I have described above.
If she hasn’t been reaching out to you 100% of the time…
If you haven’t gone on at least 2-3 real dates (not meeting to give her back her stuff)…
Then you should stick to no contact.
Again – this is for you as much as for her. Plus, if she expects something from you on Valentine’s Day and then you don’t deliver…she may start to miss you.
Read More: Will She Miss You?
“Should I Ask My Ex To Be My Valentine?”
The answer is no – you should never ask your ex-girlfriend to be your Valentine.
There are 2 reasons for this:
- It implies a committment (even if it seems sweet)
- It should be earned.
One of the key principles I teach here is letting her chase you. Part of that is not verbally making any commitments to her unless she first brings them up. Normally I talk about this in the context of the “what are we” talk but in this case – it applies to asking your ex to be your Valentine.
As a rule: you do not want to be the first to ask her for any type of commitment, especially if she breaks up with you. First and foremost, you should be focused on yourself and improving your life. Even if you are working to get her back, all you need to worry about is making your time together fun and romantic. You shouldn’t be trying to lock her down, or force her into anything. It has to be her idea. I know it seems sweet and innocent to ask her to be your Valentine – it’s still a commitment.
So don’t ask.
Secondly – the truly romantic shit you see on TV and may have done with her in years past has to be earned.
The thing that makes Valentine’s day special for her in the first place is her anticipation. It’s her wondering about what surprise you’ll have for her after she’s been wonderful to you. It’s her bubbling excitement about how great it will feel to be treated like a queen by a guy like you.
Since she’s your ex, and since she probably broke up with you, that anticipation is just not there.
When it comes to going out of your way to do things for women, there’s a hard and fast rule I like to live by.
If she’s really attracted to you, going out of your way to do something scores you major brownie points. Women love being spoiled by men they’re attracted to.
However, if she’s not really attracted to you, going out of your way to do something for her makes you look like you don’t have any other options.
In other words, it makes you look lame at best, and potentially creepy/stalkerish at worst.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “But Jack, she IS still attracted to me!”
And that’s completely fair, she might be.
But to that point let me reiterate: she’s not your girlfriend. You only should do something special for her if she’s your girlfriend.
In other words: she needs to earn it! If she wants something from you, she better be your girlfriend.
On another note, I’ve seen guys suggest approaching that you should approach your ex-girlfriend as a friend.
DO NOT DO THIS. Never agree to be her friend, or attempt to approach her under the pretext of being “just friends”.
It’s dishonest if you really want her back, and harmful if you want to get over her.
With that in mind…what about if you aren’t the one to reach out?
“Should I Send My Ex Flowers on Valentines Day?”
Sending her unsolicited flowers works great if you’re actually dating. Women love them. If you’re dating a woman who loves them, you can earn a lot of brownie points if you bring her flowers when she’s having a bad day, or just because.
However…
Women like flowers from men they are romantically involved with.
Are you romantically involved with her right now?
For most of you, the answer is no.
Sending her flowers when you’re not dating is at best, giving up your frame, and at worst stalkerish. She knows that you’re sending them because you want something from her.
That could be getting back together, her accepting your apology or just good ol’ fashion sex.
While your rational, male brain might see those as all good things, she doesn’t.
If the romance isn’t there, the flowers aren’t going to come across in a positive way.
So save the money, save the roses, and go buy yourself a burrito instead.
That aside, what about if she reaches out?
Will My Ex Reach Out On Valentines Day?
It’s doubtful that your ex will reach out to you on Valentines Day if:
- You broke up (or she asked for space) recently;
- She dumped you;
- She’s seeing someone else;
- It’s been over a year since the breakup;
Don’t kill yourself waiting for a text that will never come. It’s better to assume that she won’t reach out to you on Valentine’s Day.
On the other hand, if you were the one that dumped her, it’s more likely that you will hear from her. But still, the same advice applies. Instead of waiting for the text, put your phone down and focus on living in the moment.
I know Valentine’s Day is hard – so be gentle with yourself. I strongly recommend distracting yourself by doing something you enjoy – even if it’s just running and gunning on some pedestrians in GTA 5.
So let’s assume you take my advice and try to 1 shot all the mofos above…only to see the message you are hoping for.
What then?
“My Ex Texted Me On Valentines Day. Now What?”
If your ex-girlfriend texts you on Valentine’s Day, you want to treat it the same way that you would treat her reaching out to you on any other day.
Read this article about why she might be reaching out, and how you should respond.
The short of it is as follows: if she reaches out to you, assume she wants to meet up. Invite her on a date at your place. If she denies you, go back to no-contact.
If she accepts, follow the guidelines here and have a great date with her.
One thing though, if she does reach out to you on Valentine’s day, don’t feel any pressure to respond. I would wait until the day after, even if you don’t have anything going on. You don’t have to lie to her, but you not responding to her on V-Day could give her the impression that you’re with someone else, which heightens your value in her eyes.
You might also be wondering, why is she reaching out on Valentine’s Day? Does that mean she wants you back?
Not necessarily.
Breakups are hard – and she may be having a tough time too. Old habits die hard, and the chances that she still cares about you as a person are good – even if she doesn’t want to get back together with you.
What Should You Do If She’s Spending Valentines Day With A New Guy?
If you are freaking out because she has a new guy in her life, freaking out about Valentine’s Day is one of the worst things you can do.
Why? Because all the smiling pictures aside, you may be missing out on the truth about what’s going on behind the scenes.
Read More: Why Your Ex Seems So Happy In Her Rebound Relationship
So what should you do if she’s shacked up with another guy?
Wish them all the best, and let him waste his money on her instead.
Also: how the fuck do you know what she’s up to? You’re supposed to be following no-contact.
Part of no-contact includes not stalking her life, which is exactly what it sounds like you’re doing. You shouldn’t give a flying fuck what she’s up to.
Use your money on a six-pack and some beer. At least you don’t have to pretend like you actually enjoy watching The Notebook or Dear John.
Sucker.
TLDR: When It Comes To Valentine’s Day, The Answer Is No – Unless It’s Your Boy Asking If You Want Another Brew
Hopefully, that clears things up for you fuckers.
Don’t text her. Don’t meet up with her. Don’t send her flowers, and don’t get her chocolate.
Going out of your way to do these things for her when you’re not together? That makes you look weak.
Don’t be one of those guys that get all worked up because it’s Valentine’s day. Treat it like you’d treat any other day, and skip the flowers.
Put yourself, and your happiness first because you are the only one who is going to.
With love,
Coach Jack