It’s okay to want revenge on your ex-girlfriend, but it is never okay to take revenge on her.
Getting revenge will not make you feel better. It won’t take away the anger, nor will it take away the pain. If anything, it will make you feel worse long-term. As you probably know, that’s the opposite of what we want here, as Men’s Breakup is about long-term happiness.
There is only one way to get revenge that does not involve taking revenge on her. It’s the only way you can avenge yourself, AND make yourself feel better in the long term.
I’ll show you exactly what it is, and why you need to do it in this article.
So lace up your walking boots, because we’re going hiking motherfucker.
Is It Bad To Want Revenge On Her?
Look, I want a lot of crazy shit. The other day, I found out I can buy a retired T58 tank for £94,000. Is it bad that I want a tank considering I can afford it? Put yourself in my shoes. Think about all the cool things you could do with a tank. Things like…
Invade Minnesota:
Or use the flying cheat code in real life (but only if you live in Russia):
Now snap back to reality for a second. Should you actually buy a tank?
Fuck no!
First of all, where the hell are you going to park one? Your average T58 is about 25 times heavier than a Toyota Corolla as well as twice as long and wide.
Can you afford the copious amounts of diesel fuel you’ll need to drive one, as well as all the patience you’ll need to handle the angry Karens?
Do you even have a place to drive one, considering they aren’t street-legal (at least in the US).
What are you really going to do with it? Storm the Capitol?
Owning that tank SEEMS cool, but in reality, nothing good is going to come out of it. It’s just going negatively impact your life.
Revenge works the same way. Just like it’s normal to want to own a freaking tank, it’s normal to want to take revenge. You’re not a bad person if you’re feeling vengeful, especially if you feel your ex-girlfriend did you wrong.
While it’s normal to fantasize about taking revenge, making that fantasy a reality is a terrible fucking idea. Taking revenge will make you even less happy than you are right now.
If you’re are currently feeling vengeful, it’s important that you understand the reasons why, so you can get to the bottom of the problem and fix it.
Because until you fix it, she’s living rent-free in your head. She’s keeping you from being as happy as you deserve. Do you really want to give her that power over you?
You probably have your reasons for wanting revenge, after all. But what are they?
Here’s Why You Want Revenge On Her
The desire for revenge is the desire to inflict equal physical or emotional suffering on her because you think it will help you manage your negative emotions.
That’s what your big, stupid, caveman brain wants – at least – as it’s wired to enjoy revenge. A study conducted by Tania Singer and others found that your brain loves a bit of well-earned vengeance.
Men and women reacted to the punishment of the fair player in the same way, with the parts of the brain associated with empathy being activated. But—and it’s a big but—when the bad guy was shocked, even though the women disliked and disapproved of him, nonetheless the empathy centers in their brains lit up. Not so for the dudes, in whom the reward-centers of the brain were activated big-time.
Revenge comes from hurt, anger, entitlement, and an inability to forgive. It comes from different places for each guy, but the need always comes back to one or more of these 4 themes. What revenge really is, is an inability to manage your negative emotions, especially your anger.
So let me ask you…
Did she:
- Make a fool out of you in front of your friends, family, coworkers, or all of the above?
- Leave for another guy?
- Rub him in your face?
- Kick you out of the place you shared?
- Cheat on you and then leave?
- Refuse to give you back your stuff?
- Cause major damage to your personal life?
Did you:
- Treat her like a queen only to be rejected?
- Feel like you “deserve” her or are “entitled” to her?
- Feel like you were the “better” partner?
- Love her more than she loved you?
- Feel like she took away everything you ever loved?
If you identify with anything I just mentioned, be it personally or situationally, you’re likely to be more predisposed to seek revenge because these things HURT.
Now, I want you to try and think about the specific thoughts or memories that cause you to feel angry or hurt.
Ask yourself why were you unable to find it in your heart to forgive her for what happened? Why does it still hurt so much? Why does it still make you angry?
If you don’t understand why then you might just assume you’re an angry or vengeful guy which is exactly the opposite of what you want if you want to be long-term happy.
50,000 years ago, when your big, dumb ancestors were done wrong, they needed to take revenge otherwise they’d end up dead. Today, your biggest problem is figuring out what shirt you’re going to wear in the morning. You don’t need to take revenge. Your life isn’t in danger.
I understand that you’re hurting and you want to see her feel the same pain. Unfortunately, the only thing you will accomplish by getting revenge is more pain for you.
Why Trying To Get Revenge Is A Bad Idea
It doesn’t matter what she did to you. If you think you’re going to feel better after you get revenge, you’re dead fucking wrong.
Studies have shown you’re likely to get no joy from taking revenge. While you might feel a quick jolt, punishing her won’t provide a release and instead can cause you to ruminate about her more often, especially if you are the one who takes revenge directly.
As I talk about in my article about beating your ex-girlfriend addiction, chasing a spike of dopamine feels good in the moment, but it doesn’t lead to long-term happiness.
Revenge works the same way – you get a temporary hit of dopamine that quickly fades, leaving you wanting more.
When you try to get revenge, all you’re doing is telling yourself that you can’t live your life until she’s punished for “what she did”.
Does that sound like a guy who has really moved on with his life? Does that sound like the type of man you want to be?
Do you think women will want to date a guy who’s angry all the time, and can’t move on from a woman who hurt his feelings?
If you want to be an angry, vengeful old man who dies alone without friends and family, be my guest. For those of you who want to be happy, you need to get good at catching yourself when you start taking vengeful behavior.
“Stealthy” Vengeful Behaviors To Avoid
Some guys take “soft” revenge such as rubbing a hotter chick in her face as a “fuck you, I can do better”. I remember in one case, I had a guy immediately hook up with a girl his ex-girlfriend was envious of.
Other guys want harder revenge such as want her to burn completely and totally in the fires of hel – of sitting in LA traffic for 3 hours.
We’re all gentlemen here on Men’s Breakup. You wouldn’t really wish that on her, would you?
But really, anything you do with the intent to cause her distress is vengeful behavior. Even if that’s wishing her nothing but traffic and people tailgating her ass.
Here are just a few of the common ones I see, especially with you younger guys;
- Spreading rumors about her;
- Telling other people her secrets;
- Revenge porn (this can get you locked up, don’t fucking do it dude);
- Indirectly “shit talking” her on Facebook or any other social media platform;
- Deliberately trying to sleep with her friends;
- Posting pictures of you with other chicks to cause her pain (but feel free to do it if you’re doing it for you)
- Trying to make her life difficult if you work / live together still.
- Not giving all of her things back right away
- Voodoo (I wish I were kidding)
You get the idea. If you catch yourself doing any of these things, pay close attention how you feel immediately afterward. You’ll notice that while you initially feel satisfied, that satisfaction fades rather quickly and you’re just as unhappy as when you started.
The Right Way To Get Revenge
The best revenge is a life well-lived.
For one reason or another, she dumped you because you weren’t good enough for her.
If you really want revenge on your ex-girlfriend, the best way to do that is twofold:
- Move on – become a man worthy of someone better for him.
- Live a fucking awesome life – you deserve to be happy.
So why should you be getting “revenge” this way? Because living well is literally the only way you can get revenge that aligns with the one key principle of everything I teach:
FOCUS ON YOU.
Every other form of revenge is taking your valuable energy and your time and directing it at her.
I want you to take your time and energy and direct it at you – because that makes you happier, and it makes your life better.
Think about what you are doing. Are you really doing it for yourself? Or are you doing it because of her?
This is a woman who rejected you, yet you are still letting her control your life.
Let go of her and let her watch you thrive as a bachelor. Watch as your happiness shoots up to a 10. Watch as you become a guy that’s completely out of her league.
If you’re one of those guys who wants to take revenge on his ex-girlfriend, this is the only way you can.
Change who you focus on, and let her go for good.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack
PS: Need help processing the breakup so you can get back to feeling like yourself again? Click here to learn how I can help you.