Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way early today.
Your ex is not special.
After you’ve gone no-contact and undertaken the process to find your masculine center, it becomes necessary to reconcile your feelings in order to move forward with your life. It’s been said before, “you’ve gotta feel it to heal it”.
These days, we’ve all been pressured to be in touch with our emotions as men. Call it a result of cultural training or a shift in our masculine nature, but I’m willing to bet you’ve encountered the strong, sensitive man stereotype. Inherently, there’s nothing wrong with this character, however it’s important to understand that the machismo current running in parallel to the sensitive man leaves a lot of us confused about where we’re supposed to stand.
Again, nothing wrong with that. Confusion is good as it gives you a reason to seek out an answer.
However, this narrative also promotes a heightened degree of emotional investment in your woman – which again, at face value can be a good thing when harnessed correctly. Even the best of intentions can lead us astray however. The problem, is when your girlfriend becomes your emotional nexus. She becomes your source of emotional control and stability which is dangerous.
You become all wrapped up in your girl, vent your emotions and channel your frustrations to her. She sees the private you, the real you, while you put on a mask for everyone else.
Now that it’s all over, I know you’re wondering if you’ll ever find anyone else as special. You worry that she is the best you’ll ever have. Dark thoughts creep into your head that you may have missed out on “the one”.
The good news is of course, that this is just your brain in all its irrationality repeating the buzzwords that society has beaten into your head. It can be conquered, and even better yet, statistically speaking there are thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of women within an 100 mile radius of you that can and will be a better fit.
To get there, you’re just going to have to clear some negative social programming out of your head and I’m going to show you how to do that.
The first step is in conscientiously acknowledging the irrational thought process you’re having. There’s a couple good ways to go about this, but the best one I’ve found is to make a list. Sit down, and clear your mind. Write down everything down you’re thinking about your ex. List all of the fears, the doubts, and the insecurities on one piece of paper. The act of writing them down alone is bound to make you feel silly, and as soon as they’re all on paper you’ll likely feel even more irrational. That feeling is your logical man brain kicking into gear, and shutting down the emotional side of you.
Now that you have a list, really look at it. You’ll probably have a list that looks something like the following:
- I’m convinced that she’s the only girl for me.
- I’m never going to find anyone better than her (looks, personality, etc)
- I’m not capable of having functional relationships.
- She’s my best friend!
Of course, your list may vary but chances are they’ll be variations of these 4 themes. Basically, when we break each of these down there is what’s called a limiting belief attached to each one. A limiting belief is essentially an unfounded fear about yourself or the world you live in that holds you back from success.
Now that you have your list, take a second and review each item with blunt honesty and emotional indifference. Ask yourself if each statement is objectively true, and when you conclude that it isn’t, write down why. Our example list above could look as follows:
- It isn’t true. There are millions of single women around me, and many of them could prove to be a better fit for my personality and lifestyle.
- It isn’t true. I saw a girl that was better looking at the gym last night, and there were so many things about her personality that I didn’t like.
- It isn’t true. Everyone is capable of having a functional relationship if they are willing to put in the work. If I’m not capable of it yet, I’m only a good plan away from growing and increasing my emotional intelligence to the point where I am capable and deserving of a great relationship.
- It isn’t true. Not only would she be here if she were my best friend, but I only put her in a place of such great importance because I haven’t been working to foster the proper relationship with my real friends.
Once you have your list and your rebuttals, hold on to it. Any time you feel yourself starting to get a little irrational, you can refer to your cheat sheet to keep you grounded.
That’s step one.
The second step is taking your ex off the pedestal. Having your cheat sheet is a good start, but it’s time to go even deeper.
Your brain likes to play tricks on you. It’ll catch you off-guard here, and unaware there. Before long, the bitch that was tormenting your life and ruining your vibe has transformed into a perfect angel to your mind. Such is the power of memory, and it’s uninhibited capacity to white wash the truth. We tend to remember the most positive memories over the most negative.
Guys, be aware of when your brain starts doing this to you. The only way to combat it is to consciously choose to remember all the negatives. Remember her as she was, not as the ideal being your mind wants to mold her into.
Again, use a list. Write down all the things about her you didn’t like.
Keep that list! You’ll miss her a lot less when you read about that time she threw a fit and ruined your guys night out before it even started.
Which brings me back around to the topic of the article: Your EX is NOT special.
She’s a normal and flawed human being, and the two of you are no longer together because she is normal and flawed, as you are. However, you’ve made a decision to be better and to address your flaws. I already know that because you’re reading these words. Can you say the same of your ex?
Was your ex always perfectly sensitive when you needed her to be?
I doubt it.
The truth is, that fantasy chick you want your ex to be does exist, but it sure as hell isn’t her. It’s the thousands of other women whose imperfections line up more closely with yours.
If you want to land that fantasy chick, you have to be the man she’s fantasizing about.
Do you think that man is sitting around moping because his ex was the best girl in the entire world?
I think not.
Talk soon my friend,
Coach Jack